advice

How to Get a Job That Makes People Want to Strangle the
Very Life Out of You And Then Some:
Behold the Almighty Telemarketer

This, of course, is based on personal experience; success rates and reactions may vary. Anyway, it's my very first job, on campus, no less, but I think I have the routine down.

First, call the powers that be, asking to fill one of their open spaces, and they will arrange a phone interview with you. Call again at the appointed time and fake-smile your way through the conversation, think up bogus reasons about your favourite aspects of your school (of course, if you really do like your school, you can skip this part), and list off a bunch of strengths you may or may not have.

If all goes well, you'll be offered a wholly unnecessary face-to-face interview, where you're asked the same damn questions, and you give the same responses, with perhaps a little more embellishment. It's good to look and feel maniacally cheerful and friendly, too.

Huzzah! They've offered you the $7.50/hr job! Now all you have to do is go through a 4-day training session with a guy who's made training people to be telemarketers (oh, I'm sorry, "telefundraiser") his day job. Give up 12 hours of your weekend to sit around a table and read off the hellishly long script (note: if you did this in a real call, any person in their right mind would hang up on you. I know I'd hang up on me) and make like you're building rapport with the person you're pretending to call. Some people hate certain words or phrases for their own reasons, and I now loathe the word 'rapport'.

On the upside, you get paid for being trained. It's all good... except for the fact that you have to get up at 7am on Sunday to go read a script asking for money in your best oratory voice (just when you thought it was all over...) under the close scrutiny of the training guy and 9 supervisors.

When making a pretend call, don't go down that well-trodden path of asking for 'John Smith' at 'your own address'. Ask for Homer Simpson instead, and demonstrate your unbelievably nerdy knowledge of all things Simpsons. It makes them laugh at first, and then they're just weirded out.

Nevertheless, congratulations! You're now an official solicitor of alumni donations. People are going to pretend not to hear you, hang up on you, and yell at you. And if you're lucky, you get to work on Superbowl Sunday too!

How to Lose a Good Amount of Self-Respect:

Win a hokey National Speech event talking about retirement planning. And then have your parents show the video to all your relatives.

How to Screw Up a Prank:

Bring an asinine associate and get the police called on you.

(Webperson's note: Take 3-5 grains of iodized salt for everything I say, and call me in the morning.)

Had enough enlightenment? Of course you haven't, and that's why there's more advice awaiting you on Page Two. If you think you already know everything, then head on home, but you're missing out. Or... are you??