| How to Get People to Tell You That You Look Just Like Michelle Kwan and Lucy Liu: As long as you're Asian, there'll be people who think you look like every Asian celebrity ever. Except maybe Bruce Lee. I'm surprised no one has yet told me I look like Zhang Ziyi. On that note, how come she and Jiang Zemin (and other Chinese leaders) get their names in the proper order (ie. surname first), instead of like the regular Chinese people who have to Westernize 'em, or have 'em Westernized for them? Take the figure skater Chen Lu, for example, or is it Lu Chen? No one knows!! But never mind, that was a tangent, not advice. How to Identify Transportation from Hell: 1) If its name is 'Metra' keep away! As far as I know, being the highly knowledgeable Chicago-ite that I've recently become (*hack*), it's a train system that goes out to the more suburban areas of this city, except your only directions are 'To Chicago' and 'From Chicago' and you have to wait upwards of half an hour in a meat locker of a warming house for a train that takes you where you didn't want to go. Ryan, if you end up going to UOC, I'm never visiting you. Get a car. 2) If it's headed to Norman, OK and has forensics coaches in it who play nothing on the TVs except musicals, including Oklahoma! which is the longest and most painful movie/musical on the face of the earth. Also known as the casket on wheels and may induce riders to write songs about it. 3) If it's headed to Portland, OR and has no climate control, a forensics coach(?) lying in the aisle with no problems having people step on him, a competitor with loose bowels, a witch who refuses to die, and a neverending route through the entire state of Montana, including a pit stop at the Cracker Barrel. I wasn't there, but believe you me, I heard about it 500 billion times each from 4 people. It's just like I really was there! Only not, so stop telling me about it. Still bitter two years later about not qualifying? Nooooooo! Oops, that turned into a rant. How did that happen? How to Say "NO MORE!" to Schoolhouse Violence: 48 fl. oz. hydrogen peroxide 3 cups snips 1.5 cups snails 2 cups puppy dog tails 1,200mg Prozac 1 beached whale 1 leopard skin print outfit Mix ingredients in a large bowl. Chill. Serve. Makes 1 unbearable serving. Webperson's Note: Webperson is a bitter old coot and will forever hold other people responsible for webperson's own failures. Remember to take those grains of salt, kids. I am done. Go home or revisit Page One because you found it so inspiring. Or maybe, just maybe, you want more wisdom from Page Three. |
| Yet MOre UnNecEssARY ImPArtAtiON of WEbPerSOn's QueSTioNaBLe WIsdOM |