| YOuR OnE-StOP SHoP fOR tOTallY WoRThLesS AdVicE |
| How to Wreck a Home: And I don't mean taking a sledgehammer to it or dousing it with gasoline and lighting a match. I mean the kind where the wreckage is bitter, angry divorce with lots of big shouty lawyers and alimony. However, I actually have no clue how to wreck a home in that way, so someone gimme pointers so I can try them out on AJ Pierzynski when I meet him never. Yoink, just kidding. I can tell you, however, how to wreck a Bud Selig or Carl Pohlad. A candlestick in the conservatory would work just fine. Evil laugh optional. How to Maintain the Little Sanity You Have Left: 1) Quit being a telemar-- fundraiser. That way you don't have to repeat the whole tiresome process of making pretend calls to the grating "I'm going to make you a good caller if it kills you" man. And no more irate alumni yelling at you. But that's their prerogative after all; I wouldn't want some snot-nosed college kid calling me at suppertime or during the SuperBowl asking for money for a crapped-out school only known for its basketball championship in 1963. Why do I go here?? 2) As Homer Simpson once said, "You tried your best and failed miserably. The lesson is: never try." And so, if you register yourself for 6 classes in one semester and find yourself in one too many writing intensive classes, one of which is taught by an obnoxious professor who can't stop clearing his throat so loudly that it makes an echo, quit! Drop the damn class and be on your merry way, return your books and get the $100 back, and never go near the Sociology Department again. Unless it's with a flaming bag of poop. 3) Wreck a Bud Selig or Carl Pohlad with a spanner in the billiard room. It works wonders for a case of the nerves! Even if it is only imaginary. Even so, cackle loudly and evilly. And then envision a maimed Bud Selig giving the Twins the World Series trophy. Ah... serenity. How to Waste Your Precious Summer Moments Away: Watch Horse Sense on Disney, starring Joey and Andy Lawrence. Twice. How to Identify an Ex-Debate/Speech Nerd in Denial: 1) When a year out of forensics he or she still uses clauses like "At the point when... I would contend that..." in everyday speech. 2) When a year out of forensics he or she wanders now and again into Casual Corner (Petite Sophisticates) and tries on a fabulous suit ensemble even though he or she has no more practical or intimidating use for suits. 3) When a year out of forensics he or she still refers to him or herself as the National Champion of retiring. How to Piss Off Your Entire Apartment Building Without Them (or You!) Knowing It: Register a complaint with Maintenance at the beginning of the school year about not having enough water pressure in your shower. 7 weeks later, hear them announce that they are shutting off the water for the whole building for 5 hours the day after fall break ends. Find out that they have to shut off the building's water supply just to fix your shower that was working just fine in the first place. (Webperson's Note: Though many of my advices are based on personal experience, this was a thing my roommate did. She's very sorry but no one will know she did it because we're all sworn to secrecy. You too.) Home Page 1 Page 2 |