| Once upon a time, there lived two ambitious spies named Frivolous Trendy and Blue Velvet. Young, impressionable sophomores in high school, they had just read Alexandre Dumas' The Count of Monte Cristo, which they both enjoyed very much. It is the story of a young man called Edmond Dantes who is framed for something or another, and when he gets out of jail embittered and rich, he goes seeking revenge on his foes and ruins their lives. No, Blue Velvet doesn't remember very much of the book, but she sure did like it when she read it. You're damn right it's a story that extols the virtues of revenge and its subsequent sweetness, and it's great. So anyway, Liz and Tiffy (names no longer changed to protect the innocent) decided that since the 1974(?) version of the movie sucked, they'd become the next Matt Damon and Ben Affleck -- sans their turbulent Hollywood love lives -- and write a great, earth-shattering movie script -- sans tiresome swear words every 0.05 seconds. They made an exhaustive cast list of which they remain proud to this very day (although Tiffy doesn't know who the heck some of these people are that they cast, like Stuart Wilson? Wha? Nor does she remember half of the characters) but unfortunately, someone beat them to the punch by making probably an equally crappy 21st century movie starring Jim Caviezel and Guy Pearce (well, okay, its reviews weren't terrible). Now, Tiffy thinks Guy Pearce is a fine actor (Memento = excellent), but CMC? No. And not Time Machine either. What were you thinking, Guy? -- This Tiffy says without having seen either movie. Liz and Tiffy also toyed with the idea of turning CMC into a Broadway musical, but then they discovered that besides having no idea how to write a screenplay, they had even less clue how to write music. Liz: "If I could sing, I'd be in the musical." Rose/Laura: "You can sing!" Liz: "Well... not out loud!" The musical idea was soon shelved. Due to the bear market and increasing political pressures, Liz and Tiffy were also forced to put the movie idea aside for a while. In other words, the novelty kind of wore off and they had other stuff to do, like win forensics state titles and whatnot. During that time, a certain Kevin Reynolds directed and released the movie that Liz and Tiffy were supposed to make. Sources say Liz freaked out in the theatre when she saw the movie trailer, and her mother had to shush her and calm her down. Nevertheless, Liz and Tiffy still believe that one day they'll make the best CMC movie ever, with the best and most unbelievably star-studded cast ever (though heavily influenced by the emergence of Titanic), despite the fact that they're all aging and some will probably be dead by the time the movie comes around. |
| Dantes............................................................................................Edward Norton Mercedes...............................................................................Catherine Zeta Jones Abbe Faria.........................................................................................Sean Connery Noirtier......................................................................................Anthony Hopkins Villefort...........................................................................................Rupert Everett Danglars............................................................................................Stuart Wilson Fernand..................................................................................................Billy Zane Caderousse..................................................................Jack Nicholson/Gary Sinise Mme. Danglars...........................................................................Frances Fisher (?) Mme. Villefort................................................................................Nicole Kidman Albert................................................................Danny Nucci/Antonio Sabato, Jr. Valentine........................................................................................Katherine Heigl Maximillien....................................................................................James Marsden Haydee.............................................................................................Leonor Varela Benedetto...................................................................................Antonio Banderas M. Morrel.........................................................................................Victor Garber Eugenie...........................................................................................Neve Campbell M. Dantes........................................................................................James Coburn Calvacanti............................................................................................Bernard Hill M. Saint de Meran..........................................................................Geoffrey Rush Mme. Saint de Meran.......................................................................Lauren Bacall |
| See, you can't go wrong with Edward Norton (except maybe Death to Smoochy, a movie which I guess no one really adores). And with such an A-list cast, people would see the movie regardless of its quality, or maybe the hype would just carry the whole thing, drunken swashbucklers and all. Just like Titanic! With swashbucklers. In related news, Tiffy also would like to see a movie of Orwell's 1984 made, with Edward Norton as Winston. Huzzah for Edward Norton! He so should've won in The Score. He deserved it, that good old Edward Norton. Take me home, oh mother, father, take me home. |
| The Impossible Dream |