Part Nineteen: Shame

The waves rolled gracefully toward shore, their high, aquamarine curls broken by red-brown seaweed covered rocks, and the sky was so blue it hurt Rahab's eyes. She stood on the beach, just at the point where the sand was damp from the surf, and watched the sea otters floating in the great raft of kelp offshore, looking like upturned telephone receivers as they floated on their backs and munched on shrimp and abalone. They would stop to stare at her with little button-black eyes, and then roll under to get another helping. A baby otter clung to his mother's belly, and every time she submerged, he would cry piteously, alone at the surface until she returned.

Rahab felt sorry for him, but she realized he was in no danger, and after all, mom had to eat, too. When does that otter mom ever get a break, she thought. In the wild, iguanas and turtles just lay their eggs in the sand somewhere and leave them to their fate. If and when the babies hatch, they have to rely on their own wits and plain good fortune to reach adulthood... She turned to look at her youngest, Seth, who was curled up peacefully on his blanket, asleep. His skin reflected the sunlight in a way that caused Rahab to squint.

"Little Sun Child," said a familiar voice behind her. She turned to see Leo approaching at a leisurely pace across the white expanse of sand, smiling that transparent little smile of his, when he was up to something.

"Leo, I thought you left," Rahab said in surprise.

Leo stopped in front of her, and gave her a little shrug of nonchalance. "I forgot something." He turned and knelt by the baby, and caressed his head.

"What do you mean, you forgot something?"

Leo quietly spoke to the baby, the words drowned out by the sound of a crashing wave. The baby opened his eyes and whimpered.

"What did you say?" Rahab felt uneasy, as the baby began to fuss. Leo’s voice was not his, but deeper, more guttural.

Leo stood up, and looked at her in a way that made her stand back from him, and he laughed a little. "What is the matter, Rahab?"

She didn't answer, but tried to step in between him and Seth.

"What is the matter, hmm?"

As she bent to reach for the baby she felt his hand close firmly on her forearm. "Hey," she protested. "What do you think you're-- OW!"

He spun her around to face him, and she struggled a little, but stopped when she looked into his pale eyes. She was close enough to see the tiny capillaries in them, turning them a delicate shade of... pink?

"Pink?" He laughed cruelly. "Can one truly choose his parents? Poor little Sun-Child, he doesn't know."

"Wh-what?" Rahab gasped, barely able to breathe as she looked into those colorless eyes. A sudden chill swept through her, and she tried to break and run from him, but he had not loosened his grip on her arm. She turned at slashed at him with her free arm, but he caught it easily, laughing as though they were playing a game.

"You cannot escape from me. I know who you are, now. No matter where you go, I will FIND you," he said in her ear.

Her tail lashed him, but she suddenly lost her footing, and fell backward into the sand. As Leo roughly pinned her down, she felt as though she were choking, her eyes and nose filling with sand...


She writhed and sat up suddenly, and saw she was alone, and lying on the floor of her bedroom, beside her denuded bed. The beach was gone, the sand turned out to be her comforter, wrapped around her neck. She pulled it off and threw it away from her, and slowly stood. Her shoulder ached where she had hit the floor, apparently she'd rolled out of bed. She vaguely heard the surf still humming in her ears, and a baby's cries of complaint.

There was a knock on the door.

"Who," she called, nervously pulling her robe on.

"Rahab, everything okay? I heard something..." It was Leo's concerned voice, coming from the other side of the door.

"I'm okay, Leo." She went and opened it, still tying the sash on her robe.

Leo looked past her, and then smiled at her. "Sounded like you were having some trouble, I heard you all the way downstairs."

"I'm okay," she said again. She tried to smile in return, but shuddered.

Leo frowned a little. "Did you have a bad dream?"

"Maybe, I mean, sort- sort of," Rahab said, suddenly feeling embarrassed.

"Sort of?"

She tried to look away, but she couldn't help looking into his eyes. They were large and luminous, like silver dollars. "I'd rather not talk about it," she said to those eyes.

"Oh," Leo said, then sighed. "I understand."

There was something about him that she found reassuring, his look was warm, and gentle. He stood very close to her. "May I come in?"

"You already are in."

"Not yet..." The tone in his voice caused her to catch her breath. He lightly lay his hands on her back, then gradually drew her nearer. She felt a warmth, almost an ache crawling through her, as his mouth touched her cheek, then slid up her jaw to her mouth. Her knees buckled, and he firmly held her up against him, and they kissed hungrily.

He said something breathy that tickled in her ear, so quiet she missed the meaning...

Rahab withdrew with a start, and she could see his eyes again, this time so closely, she could see the tiny capillaries in his irises, turning them a delicate shade of pink... the realization of what he said struck her, and she tore herself out of his grasp in horror. "What did you just say?"

He stared at her with a strange, fixated expression, his eyes flat and cold. "I... am... death..."

"NO!" She slapped him as hard as she could.

He turned his head with the force of the strike, and then slowly turned back to face her again. He grinned a slow grin, showing the edges of his straight, white teeth.

She leaped away from him.

"Why are you running away, Rahab?" His soft voice now chilled her to the marrow. "I won't hurt you."

She backed away, farther and farther, impossibly far now, there seemed to be no end to the room, as she looked around, the realization dawned on her, she wasn't in any room, she wasn't anywhere at all. She looked back at Leo, who continued his advance on her, his weight on the balls of his feet, like a stalking cat. His eyes filled her with such terror, she couldn't draw breath. The shriveled bodies of small animals covered the floor, feathers, fur, tiny white splinters dug into the soles of her feet. Splinters...

"Splinter?"

"He can't help you now. You are alone," Leo snapped.

She gaped and hissed at him, the spikes on the back of her neck bristling. She lashed her tail at him, and held her claws out in front of her.

Leo laughed in scorn, and continued his agonizingly slow stalk, eyes lit with an unholy glow. She lunged at him and slashed, and struck him repeatedly, making him bleed profusely, but none of her blows seemed to slow him down, he seemed to gain strength from her fear. She trembled violently, and clenched her teeth against the panic that threatened to drive her to insanity, she tried to cry out for help, but she couldn't seem to connect... then a faint ray of light filtered into her mind, a small, still voice said... Rahab, look at your hands. She looked down and saw them, and then she remembered, she was in control, after all. This was...

"A dream," she said aloud. "You're just a dream!" She laughed in relief. "I'm the one who's in control, here, not you!"

Leo hesitated, his belligerent expression fading in confusion. Seeing her advantage, she savagely shoved the palm of her hand into his chest, making him fall back so hard, he skidded backward across the shining, hardwood floor. Before he could get up, she jumped on him and put her long fingers around his throat, and squeezed as hard as she could. She was surprised how easily she could do this, and Leo opened his mouth and tried to speak, but she dug her claws into his flesh.

"Shut up, shut up!" She tried to tear the soft, pliant skin of his throat open. It gave like dough, but would not tear. She tried harder, tears of frustration rolling off her jaws. "You little bastard... why won't you die?"

Leo seemed to dissipate like fog, and turned into a quilt, his soft throat the folds of the covers that she was trying so hard to tear. She looked around, and saw she was alone once again. The bones were gone, the hardwood floor was that of her bedroom floor. The blue light of dawn was seeping through the curtains, and she got off the bed, to look out the window. The sky was overcast. Her breath steamed the window, and she wondered if she really was awake. She pinched a fold of skin on her arm and jumped at the resulting pain. She sighed with relief. I'm awake, she thought, thank all the gods. I'm really awake...

A knock on the door startled her.

"What?"

"Rahab? Everything okay?"

"Who is that?" She scrambled to get her robe. "What do you want?"

"Rahab, it's Leo. I just wanted to--"

Her heart leaped. "I'm- I'm all right, now go away."

"Rahab-"

"Get lost," she yelled, throwing a sandal at the door. "What am I now, public property?"

After a long silence, she heard a familiar little voice making plaintive, catlike noises. Leo spoke again. "Rahab, please, Seth is hungry."

Rahab sat heavily on the bed, suddenly feeling deflated. She wanted to cry, but she took several breaths to calm herself, then she slowly got up and unlocked the door.

Leo stood in the hallway, holding Seth, who squirmed and rolled his pinkish eyes at her. He opened his mouth and let out another loud, petulant squawk.

"Take his word for it," Leo said, watching her closely, as he carefully handed the bundle over.

Rahab stood back as soon as she was able, and closed the bedroom door and locked it again. Seth stared up at her with his unsettling eyes, and then squinted in preparation for another protest.

"Oh, I'm sorry," Rahab said, sitting in a nearby recliner. She settled the baby into a comfortable position, and watched him nurse, his eyes round with hunger. "Such a good little boy you are, so patient..."

At the sound of her voice, Seth ceased his feeding, his little brows creased as he focused on her, then he continued with renewed vigor.

As she relaxed, her mind settled into its usual mode of thought, and she mulled over the meaning of the dreams. It might be a good idea to talk about those dreams, explain to Leo why she was feeling so defensive, but she no longer trusted him. The disturbing images of him didn't help matters any. She sighed deeply. Another baby... and another father. Great. Now the question was, what's the best solution to this mess? It had taken more than five years to work things out with Mike as far as Gaele was concerned, how far was Leo willing to go, to accommodate her? Leo was not anything like Mike.

When Seth was satisfied, and fell asleep, she shifted him to her shoulder, to bring up the air. He belched in contentment, and settled again. "Such a sweetheart," she murmured, kissing his closed eyes.

She lay him on the bed and dressed, and then went out of the room, looking cautiously around the hallway. Leo was nowhere in sight. She took Seth to his room and bathed and changed him, and put him back in his hammock.

The sun was already hot, even at that early hour. The clouds had moved on. There was no breeze to stir the wind chimes that usually punctuated the silence with their exotic tune. She saw Leo nearby, sitting so still, she hadn't noticed him in her first scan of the garden. His back was to her, and though she was sure he was aware of her presence, he didn't acknowledge her. He was on a mat laid on the broad wall overlooking the hills, facing the rising sun. As she approached, she could see him from the side, now. He was sitting in that curious lotus position, his hands resting upturned in his lap. He looked asleep.

Feeling out of place, she left him there, and headed for the kitchen. As she was getting something to eat, the phone chirped. She promptly answered, hoping it was Raphael. She hadn't heard from him in a few days... "Hello?"

"Hello?" An unfamiliar male voice.

"Yes?"

She heard someone snigger quietly.

"Who is this?"

"Does your boyfriend drive a crappy looking, orange Ferrari?"

"What?"

"Is your boyfriend that big, green, sleazebag that drives around thinking he's--"

She promptly hung up. Great, all I need now, another nutty phone call. The phone chirped again. She waited a moment, then answered it. "Hello?"

"I hope that was accidental," the voice said coldly. "You tell that frog-faced freak on steroids to keep his slimy hands off my girl, got it?"

"Listen, how did you get this number?" She stopped when she heard the dial tone. "Nuts," she muttered, as she set the phone down.

Just as she turned away, it chirped again. She clenched her fists, as it continued to ring. Finally she snatched the phone up.

"Listen, you big jerkoff, you'd better stop calling here, or you're gonna be sorry!"

"Whoa," the voice on the other end protested. "Take it easy, Rahab! What did I do now?"

"Oh, Mike. Sorry," Rahab said, feeling embarrassed. "It's just that there was this crank caller, and he said you have to-- oh, never mind..."

"Yeah, I know, I get those sometimes. Hey, Rahab, I was calling to tell you I'm in the city, and Gaele and Raph and Devon are with me. In case you didn't know."

"I knew Devon was with Raph, Mike. He left a note."

"Oh, okay. Well, he told me to tell you that he's with me, that's all."

"Okay."

There was a silence.

"Uhm..." Mike sounded distracted. "Are you still mad at him?"

"Me? Mad at him?" Rahab said, astonished. "I thought he was mad at me."

"Well-- I dunno... anyway, he told me to tell you--"

"What is this, how come he can't tell me himself?"

"Cause he's gone over to the uh, hospital."

"Is he okay? I mean, did he have another bad episode?"

"No. He went to an appointment with a neuro-psycho-something or other..." The was a noise in the background. "Hey, knock it off," Mike yelled to somebody in the background. He came back to the receiver. "Anyway, he's gonna be over there for a while, they want to do some tests, and they decided to keep him, so he just called me and I'm calling you, okay?"

"Okay." She heard more noises, and caught Mike's sigh of frustration. "Are you watching both of the kids?"

"Yeah... the lady who's supposed to supposed to watch Devon didn't show, and Raph had to leave, and, well, yours truly got the job." As if on cue, there was another crash, and a familiar chorus of giggling squeals. Mike muttered something under his breath.

"Mike. I'll come down, okay?"

"Well--" Mike sounded reluctant. "But you uh, you're kinda busy with the other one, aren'tcha?"

"Leo can take care of Seth, Mike."

"But don't you have to feed him?"

"Don't worry about it, I have extra milk in the freezer. Leo can do that. I'll come right down, be there in a couple of hours, okay?"

"Okay," Mike said in mock resignation. There was the sound of something breaking. "Ah, shh... Rahab, I gotta go, see you later, uh?" He promptly hung up.

She put the phone down, and went over to turn on the voicemail recorder. "If that nut calls again, he can just talk to a tape," she said half to herself.

She looked up to see Leo standing there, and it made her jump. He cocked his head at her in mild curiosity.

"Everything all right?" he asked in his usual, non intrusive manner.

"Yeah, everything is fine... uh, I guess I have to go into L.A., Mike needs me to help him out. Raph's checked himself into a hospital, and Devon--"

"Ah," Leo nodded an acknowledgement. "I overheard your end of the conversation."

Rahab glanced up at his eyes, then looked away nervously when she saw they were on hers. She was suddenly afraid to look into them, the images of the dream came back to her, and she carefully took a step back from him. "Ah, Leo," she said, trying to sound bright, "You wouldn't mind watching Seth, would you? For a couple of days, while I went-"

"A couple of days?"

"I know it sounds awful, Leo, but Mike needs me to help him with Devon, who's probably trashing the place... and Raph, I need to see him, talk to him-"

"You and I need to talk, first." Leo said, cutting her off. He looked flustered. "May we talk?"

She took a deep, careful breath. "Okay," she said at length. "If you promise you won't... pull anything."

"Pull anything?" His hands went to his hips. "What are you talking about?"

"I'm sorry," Rahab said, still looking at his hands. "I don't know, I've been feeling a little nervous lately. I didn't get much sleep..."

"Bad dreams?"

She looked up at him, startled, and saw his eyes were only a very light gray, not like Seth's, after all.

"Yeah, they were bad dreams," she finally said, and sat wearily in the nearest chair at the kitchen table. "They were all about you."

"Oh." The word was small, but it was filled with sympathy.

She laughed a little, feeling self conscious. "Um, I don't know if it would be very good if I told you."

He shrugged a little, and turned to sit in the next chair. "I suppose it would depend on what I did, wouldn't it?"

Rahab didn't answer, she thought about their sordid embrace in her dream.

"Wouldn't it?" His voice was insistent, though tempered with politeness.

"Oh! Yes, it would." She swallowed hard. "But... in the end I gained control. I destroyed the demon."

"Demon?"

She gave him a narrow look. "Yes, it was a demon, wasn't it?"

He pulled thoughtfully at his lower lip, then looked directly at her. "And... where was I?"

Rahab got up suddenly, biting back a sob. "I have to go, Leo," she managed to say.

"Wait!" Leo got up to face her. "Rahab..." he closed his eyes a moment as though fighting to keep his composure, then looked at her again. "I wouldn't do anything to hurt you, surely you know that."

"Surely I'd know? Surely I'd trust you, right?" Rahab trembled with pent up emotion. "I did trust you once, Leo, I believed everything you told me, but-- I’m not sure about this any more..." she couldn't finish, her throat ached too much. She blinked back the tears, and saw he was no longer looking directly at her, but was staring into space.

She started to walk away, but he spoke again. "Rahab... I know there is not any way I can make it up to you, and I'm terribly sorry." He had a look of fatigue on his face.

"When are you going to go back to Japan?" Rahab asked, after an uncomfortable silence.

He swallowed. "I don't know. I have no need to, at the moment. Don has taken over my duties."

Rahab stared at him, forgetting her apprehension. "What did you mean by that, Leo?"

"What?" He looked confused, as though he had just awakened from a trance.

"You don't know when you are going back?"

He gave her a long, blank stare, and absently shook his head.

She watched him, puzzled. "Why not?"

It seemed to be his turn to be apprehensive. He fingered a dish on the table. "Because I felt compelled to leave, Rahab."

"Compelled to leave?" Rahab echoed, aghast. "What do you mean, was Splinter angry with you?"

He sighed. "It was more pity than anger. No, I just can't face him, right now. I just feel so bad..."

Rahab laughed a little, in spite of the ache in her throat. "More pity than anger... how like him to react that way."

"Why not? He knows I have to pay the consequences. Don't you agree?" He then got up suddenly and paced the flagstone floor.

"I suppose," she said, as she watched him. "What ARE the consequences, Leo?"

He stopped and stared at her as though she had said something rude, then lowered his eyes. "How well do you know me, Rahab?"

"Not very," she answered.

He gave her a grim smile. "It is well that you should say that. Not many know me. Except Splinter, and maybe Don. The others..." He frowned. "I have deceived them before, and probably will again. They call me perfect, and seem to hate me for it. Little do they know, I am no closer to perfection than they are, I'm just better at hiding it."

"I can vouch for that," Rahab muttered. She didn't like Leo's tone of voice when he referred to Mike and Raph as 'the others'.

Leo said nothing.

"Maybe you should be talking to them instead of me," she said, suddenly getting up. "You can come with me, and bring-"

"No." His answer was abrupt.

She folded her arms. "Why not?"

"I have my reasons."

She watched him, but his face seemed to close up. "Pride," she said.

He glared at her as though stung, then looked away. "You're right, Rahab," he said at length. "It is pride... and shame. When Raphael came back to get Devon, he refused to speak to me. Mike stood waiting in the foyer and gave me this... accusing look." Leo's mouth twisted a little. "They left without saying a word."

Rahab watched him until he looked up at her. "What are you going to do now," she asked.

"I don't know."

After another long silence, she sighed and wearily rubbed her eyes. "Leo, I have to go. Maybe... maybe I should take Seth with me, then."

"Whatever."

"All right," she said, and gathered up the dishes from the table, and put them in the sink for the housekeeper to do. A disturbing thought slowed her actions. She walked to where he was slumped at the kitchen table, head resting on his forearms. "Leo?"

He didn't respond.

"You aren't-" She swallowed to ease the tightness in her throat. "You aren't... going to hurt yourself or anything, are you?"

He raised his head to stare up at her. "Hurt myself? You mean commit seppuku? Don’t be ridiculous."

Rahab stepped back, stung by the sarcasm in his voice.

"I'm sorry," his voice softened. "I meant no offense, none to you. I meant... because of my brothers, my life isn't over. Splinter hasn't thrown me out of the clan, or anything like that. I feel very ashamed. Yet I do not regret it, either. It is both bad, and good."

"This wasn’t supposed to be a bad thing," Rahab said. "You said you had a specific plan in place. You were guided by the Cheppu in your dreams. "

"I don’t know, any more, what the plan is. Now that it has all taken place, the focus is gone, and I don’t know what to do next. Cheppu are guardians of the wind. Doesn't that tell you anything?"

"The wind..." Rahab frowned. "It blows, it--"

"It's only air," Leo cut in. "It has no substance. You don't know where it comes from, or where it is going. It can't be relied on for anything. I should have known better than to listen to a Cheppu."

"Well, now we have Seth," Rahab added firmly. "What about him?"

"Go ahead and take him with you, I need time to think." Leo then got up and left the room.

Rahab watched him go, and sighed heavily. She stood for a thoughtful moment, and then went upstairs to pack.

Next section... Rahab 20