By Todd Fan
Disclaimer: "I hate your guitar. If I'd wanted to share a room with an irritating lump of wood I'd have moved in with an Australian soap star".
Chapter 1 - The great guitar fiasco
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The Enchanted Land was, as usual, sunny and bright. Birds twittered in the trees, fish swam in the stream
"LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!!!"
....A certain cow was singing.
"Simply marvelous, Ermintrude", said Brian with a love-struck sigh as Ermintrude made her big finish, "you sound like an angel"
"A fallen angel, you mean", muttered Dylan, resting his guitar against the side of the podieum.
"What was THAT?", asked Ermintrude, rounding on him.
"Nothing", said Dylan, "look, I've got to go err...stuff. Can you watch my guitar until..."
"Yes, yes, fine, just go", said Ermintrude irritably, warming up her voice again, "I do not always need music anyway".
"I bet he's going to steal mushrooms again", muttered Brian as the rabbit left.
"That or sleep", said Ermintrude, "lazy good-for-nothing"
With that, she launched into a new number, with her one and only fan watching happily. During the preformance, Dougal walked up, wincing at the volume.
"Hey, Ermintrude!", he shouted up at her, "will you quit it? You'll make it monsoon!".
Ermintrude stopped her singing, looking at the dog angrily.
"Don't be foolish, Dougal, it never rains here" (1)
"I'm sure you could manage to make it happen", muttered Dougal under his breath.
"Ummmm...Ermintrude", said Brain with a cough, "where has Dylan's guitar gone?"
Ermintrude blinked, turing to where the rabbit had left his beloved instrument.
"It isn't there", she said, then wimpered, "IT ISN'T THERE!!!'
"What isn't there?", asked Florence, walking up.
"Dylan's guitar!!!", sobbed Emirntrude.
"I saw a big piece of wood floating down the river as I walked here", mused Dougal, then grinned wickedly, "oh no, it must have been the guitar".
"I lost Dylan's guitar!!!", squealed Ermintrude, "I was supposed to take care of ti and now it's...it's...IN A RIVER!!!".
She looked deperately at the group.
"You think he might forgive me?"
Everyone was silent for a long, long time.
"You hope Dylan will forgive you for losing the only item he brought with him from....wherether the heck he came from?", asked Dougal, arching a furry eyebrow, "someone's a little optimistic aren't they?".
"He does have a point, Ermintrude", said Florence, then added, "but I'm sure if you just explain to him...."
"I don't think explainations will work", said Brian, "that rabbit treats that hunk of malformed wood like he would his own child".
Ermintrude sighed, hanging her head.
"Let's face it, I am a dead cow", she said, "oh, the agony, the sheer depravity of it all!"
"See, now we've got her going on one of her drama acts", grumbled Dougal, "Ermintrude, you're BIGGER than Dylan, I doubt he could do you much harm".
"Dylan has mastered almost every martial art known to man!", wailed Ermintrude, "he'd have SOME way to kill me!!".
"I doubt Dylan will 'kill' anything", said Brian, trying to reasure her, "I mean..he IS a hippie, after all. Isn't that against their laws?".
"I thought hippies didn't agree with laws", mused Dougal.
"OH WOE, OH WOE!!", sobbed Ermintrude, putting a hoof to her head.
"Ermintrude, will you STOP whining?", snapped Dougal, then smirked, "besides, there IS a way out of all this, you know"
Ermintrude paused in her self-pitty display to blink at him.
"There...is?".
"Of course", said Dougal, then grinned, "all you have to do is make a new guitar".
"Make a new guitar?", asked Ermintrude, "....wouldn't he notice?"
"Well...Dylan's guitar WAS a skanky piece of wood", said Brian, "I mean, it looked like he'd stuck it together in his sleep"
"Knowing Dylan, he probably had", muttered Dougal.
"You know...that may just work", said Ermintrude, "now...we need someone with hands to help with the construction".
Everyone turned as one to Florence.
"Oh no, not me", said Florence, stepping away, "I'll have no part in this. Losing Dylan's guitar is bad enough, but LYING to him as well?"
"Come on, Florence", said Dougal, giving her his best puppy face, "won't it be better than Dylan being hurt over his lost guitar? That would be like tearing a piece of his soul away, wouldn't you think it would be better to not let him go through that pain?"
Florence sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. She hated the thought of any of her friends being upset.
"You're good", she said to Dougal, "okay, fine, I'll help, but I don't like it".
"Right", said Dougal with a nod, "let's get to work, remember, people, we don't want perfection, the crappier it looks, the better!"
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A few hours later and their creation did, indeed, look crappy. Actually, their guitar could have won the crappiest guitar contest on the crappiest day of the year, playing the crappiest song know to man or beast.
"It's perfect!", grinned Ermintrude, looking at the misshapen object, "thank you, everyone, you've saved me, I am eternally gratefull"
"If you're offering rewards, you can give me a packed of bon-bons", said Dougal, before being poked by Florence, "what?"
"We did it to help a friend", said Florence, then smiled, "and to stop Dylan having some sort of breakdown"
"What sort of breakdown?"
Everyone turned around sharply, looking at the rabbit standing behind them.
"How long have you been there?", asked Brian with a nervous laugh.
Dylan blinked confusedly at them.
"I've only just arrived", he arched a brow, "are you guys, like, okay? You're acting all..clenchy".
"We're fine, just fine!!!", laughed Ermintrude, "not doing anything suspicious, THAT'S for sure!".
"....Okay then", said Dylan, "hey, have you seen Mr R? I, like, gave him my guitar to fix a broken string on it".
Ermintrude blinked.
"Pardon?", she said, "you mean to tell me your guitar has been with Mr Rusty all this time?!!!".
"Err....yeah", said Dylan, "I told you to look after it until he came".
"Wait...if your guitar was with Mr Rusty...what was it that Dougal saw floating down the river?", asked Brian.
"You mean the little boat that Basil made?", asked Dylan, then blinked, "you thought my guitar was floating down the river?"
"NO!", said Ermintrude quickly, "not at all...hahahahaha, that was just a joke, wasn't it Brian?"
Brian glanced over at the bovine, who gave him a glare.
"Yes, Dear, just a joke", he said, "..heh heh".
Dylan shook his head, walking past them.
"You guys need to, like, seek professional help".
"That from the narcoleptic hippie!!", Dougal retorted at the rabbit's back as he left, "So...what do we do with this hunk of crap?"
He gave the guitar a nudge.
"Considering most of us lack fingers, I really doubt we can use it", said Ermintrude.
"Oh, I'LL keep it", sighed Florence, picking it up, "you never know, we might just need it one day".
"Time for bed", said Zebedee, once again appearing from nowhere.
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(1) - I vaugely remember it being stated in one episode that it never rains in the Enchanted Land....even if everything grows just fine without it...it's an odd thing, but there you go.
By Todd Fan
Disclaimer: "The remorse of the sugar junkie"
Chapter 2 - Sweet like Chocolate
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Easter-time. No doubt, the chocolate lovers most favorite holiday. A time where the brown, sweet stuff is in abundance, promising sugar rushes and headaches for many hours. Oh yes, chocolate lovers waited all year for this holiday. One certain sugar-loving Maltese Terrier was no exception.
"Sugar! Do de do de do do. Oh yummy yummy", sang Dougal as he trotted along the lane, "it is the caaandy tiiime, can't wait 'till it's all miiine!" (1)
Florence was sitting on her swing, and chuckled to herself as she heard her dog singing happily.
"Hello, Dear Florence", grinned Dougal, pattering over to her, "isn't it a WONDERFULL day?"
"Sure is", said Florence, starting to swing, smiling to herself.
Dougal sat in silence, watching her for a few minutes. Sadly, Dougal was not known for his patience....he was more well known for his lack of it.
"Well?"
"Well what?", asked Florence inocently.
Dougal groaned frustratedly.
"Where's my chocolate?", he asked, "I can't believe I've been sitting here for five minutes already and you haven't given me any chocolate"
"I don't have it", said Florence, then added with a giggle, "the Easter Bunny has it".
Dougal blinked.
"I wasn't born yesterday, you know!", he snapped, then paused, "...where does this rabbit live?"
"I don't know", said Florence, continuing to swing.
Dougal narrowed his eyes.
"Fine, be that way, then", he said, "I'll go find my chocolate myself, but don't think you're getting any!".
With a snort, he walked off, his head in the air. Florence carried on swinging until her was out of sight, then grinned, jumping off her swing and heading in the oposite direction. She finally made it to the large field with served as Ermintrude's home.
"Ermintrude", she called, clambering over the fence.
Why on earth Ermintrude HAD a fence surrounding her field, no one was really all that sure of. She didn't keep herself in, that was for sure, she used the gate to enter and exit as she pleased. And not many people came to visit the field, for fear that she'd start singing at them. Upon hearing Florence's voice, Ermintrude stepped out of her cow shed. It was called a cowshed just becasue a cow happened to live in it and it was shed-shaped. Otherwise, it could have easily been mistaken for a Las Vegas showhouse. Flashy lights included.
"Hello, Dear!", said Erimtrude happily, making her way over, "I trust Dougal is none the wiser?"
"Is he ever?", asked Florence, then smiled, "so, all his chocolate is still hidden away?"
"Of course", said Ermintude, "I don't want to eat the stuff".
She dropped her voice in a low, suspicious voice.
"It's made from milk, you know"
Florence attempted to look shocked.
"It IS?", she asked.
Ermintrude nodded.
"Yes, so I don't eat it out of courtesy", she said, "someone must stand up for the bovines".
Florence cleared her throat, shuffling her feet, deciding not to comment, luckily, she didn't have to. There was a scuffling sound above them, followed by a squeak. A few moments later, Dylan fell out of the tree he'd been hiding in.
"Oww", said Dylan from where he lay in a heap of oversized feet and big ears on the floor.
"Dylan!", snapped Ermintrude, "what are you doing in MY tree?"
"I WAS sleeping", said Dylan sitting up, rubbing the back of his head, then squinted, trying to remember, "now...why was I there in the first place?"
"Don't hold your breath, Florence, we may be here for a considerable amount of time", said Ermintrude in a not-very-quiet voice.
"Oh, I remember!", said Dylan, "I was hiding from Doogie".
Ermintrude arched a brow.
"Why, exactly, were you hiding from Dougal?".
Dylan sighed.
"It's the trippiest thing", he said, "there I was, like, just dozing under my favorite tree, like, when Doogie came up and started shouting about the Easter Rabbit"
"Uh oh", said Florence.
"I told him, like 'I don't know what you're talking about, Dooug, man'", said Dylan, "and then he said, 'Aren't you his cousin?'. I, like, said I wasn't, and he pushed me into a rose bush and, like, said 'I'm watching you, Rabbit', and walked off"
Dylan shook his head.
"Trippy, man"
"Much like listening to you speak", muttered Ermintrude under her breath.
"Dylan", said Florence slowly, knowign it took a while for most things to register with the stoned bunny, "where is Dougal now?"
Dylan shrugged.
"I don't know", he said, "I fell asleep in Ermintrude's tree".
"No way!", said Ermintrude, "YOU DID? WOW! I think I may DIE of shock"
Dylan frowned at her.
"What's that supposed to...", he trailed off, his head slumping forwards as he began to snore.
"You know, I still say we shoudl trade him in for Bugs Bunny", said Emrintrude.
"No, that wouldn't do", said Zebedee, bouncing up, "I quite like Dylan. He doesn't dig the place up as much"
"That's because he's always asleep!", snapped Ermintrude.
"You know, you don't appreciate him as much as you should", smiled Zebedee, "he saved your lives numerous times, if I recall..."
"Okay, okay, I get it!", said Ermintrude.
Zebedee nodded, then looked at Florence.
"Dougal is on his way here", he told her, "he was muttering something about chocolate".
Florence nodded.
"Good, he's just in time, then", she said, "Ermintrude, will you help me get it out?"
Ermintrude gave a dignified sniff.
"I am a LADY", she said, then cleared her throat, "BRIAN!!!".
"I'm coming, I'm coming!", came a voice withing the shed.
A few moments later, Brian slid out, a rope attached to his shell, which in turn was attached to a small cart, laden with chocolate.
"You people always take advantage of me", grumbled Brian, "I'm not a slave, you know".
"Of course you're not", smiled Ermintrude, "but you wouldn't let me carry them all by myself, WOULD you?"
Brian blinked at her. Despite the fact a cow would be much better at pulling a cart than a snail, he really didn't see it.
"No, no, I wouldn't", he admited.
"WOW!!!!!".
Everyone jumped at the loud sound. It even caused Dylan to wake with a start.
"I wasn't sleeping!", he shouted, "I was wide awake!!!".
Dougal ignored the rabbit as he raced over to the cart at breakneck speed.
"Argggh!!", screamed Brian, vanishing into his shell for protection before the dog could mow him over.
"Sweet, sweet CHOCOLATE", shouted Dougal, diving into the pile.
"....You're welcome, Dougal", said Ermintrude sarcastically.
"Hmmm, um?", replied Dougal his mouth full of chocolate
"We thought you deserved a treat", smiled Florence.
Dougal jumped out of the pile sheepishly.
"Err..yeah, thank you", he said, then paused, "hey, wow, easter eggs!!!".
He dragged out a few more pieces of chocolate, before grinning as he picked out a chocolate bunny.
"This is my chocolate bunny", said Dougal, then gave an evil grin, "I've named him Dylan. Say hello to Dylan, everyone"
The gang blinked once at Dougal, then at the chocolate bunny.
"Hello Dylan!", grinned Ermintrude, then coughed as the real Dylan glared at her, "sorry...I got caught up in the moment"
Dougal pattered around his chocolate bunny.
"First, I'm going to eat his long, bunny ears, then, I'm going to chomp off the rest of the head", the dog whimpered happily, wagging his tail, "and then I'm going to go NUTS and eat the rest WHOLE"
Dylan paled slightly.
"...Did I do something to, like, upset you, Doogie?"
Dougal ignored him, going about mauling the poor chocolate bunny.
"Errr...Zeb?", asked Dylan, trying to ignore the dog.
"Oh yes, sorry", said Zebedee, deciding to put an end to the carnage, "time for bed"
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(1) - Sugar Sugar, by the Archies, heavily changed. This was used in the movie as the jingle for the Roundabout. But I'm sticking to the familiar 'De de da de de' for MY Roundabout. So this song was up for grabs ;D