Contest

(revised....GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!)

Yo. Read about my contest and view the entries.

Hello.

Have you ever looked at the name of a government agency, for instance the National Archives, and thought about all the movie potential inherent in the agency (or maybe just the name)? If not, you’re obviously having a better summer than I am. I came across this when I was looking up the Department of the Interior’s website at work, and I saw that the second site of the National Archives is called National Archive II. And it made me laugh, because I’m corny. Anyway, to make a long story short (too late), I’ve concocted a contest, which you are all inevitably too busy for, so I shouldn’t bother, but I’m going to anyway. Using the following government agencies, make up movie titles, reviews, and/or plot summaries based on the agency title. For instance “The Department of the Interior: The Birch Is Back” or something stupid like that. Be more clever (cleverer?) than that, though. The winner gets some money, an amount to be determined at a later date when I am not broke. The person with the most good entries wins. It’s a totally subjective process, and I am the one and only judge. Efforts to appeal to me, for instance, by having the film star Chris Cornell, or including a plot twist where the heroine skins her ex-boyfriend alive, will be much appreciated. I have no shame.

Here is a list of government agencies to choose from. If you can think of others, good for you; but you get more “points” if you use these:

Department of Health and Human Services
Department of the Interior
National Archives
Tax Court
United States Department of Agriculture
Food and Drug Administration
Internal Revenue Service
United States Postal Service
National Institutes of Health
Immigration and Naturalization Services
Department of Defense
Department of Energy
Department of Justice
Bureau of Labor Statistics
National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration
Commodity Futures Trading Commission
Consumer Product Safety Commission
Federal Bureau of Prisons
Fish and Wildlife Service
Drug Enforcement Agency
Federal mine Safety and Health Review Commission
Securities and Exchange Commission
*Maryland-National Capital Park and Planning Commission (my current employer, on who’s dime I am creating this awful contest)

Entry #1: Beth Gingold; July 18, 2002

Title: SExC

When the girls down at the Securities and Exchange Commission heard about the latest issue of Playboy, they knew that it was time to

take action. Apparently, a few of ex-Enron employees had, true to that American entrepreneurial spirit, cashed in on the great publicity

associated with their former company and had posed nude for America's most popular literary magazine.* Outraged that such a cultural

icon would be tarnished by even the mention of any words associated with bad business dealings and unfair trade, the babes at SEC

were spurred into action. Only by proving the babeliciousness of the members of the government agency in charge of regulating business

practices would the damage be undone.

Watch out for the sequel, titled Very SExC, and the uncut version, SExxxC

Entry #3: Dan Zak, July 12, 2002

*** Press Release ***

Columbia TriStar Pictures announces its release of the Special Anniversary Collector's Edition Box DVD Set of "The National Institute of Health" trilogy, featuring "The National Institute of Health: Die Hard," "The National Institute of Health 2: Die Hard with a Vengeance," and "The National Institute of Health 3: Die Harder."

Own the Special Anniversary Collector's Edition Box DVD Set that A.O. Scott of The New York Times calls, "Simply revolutionary."

The National Institute of Health trilogy stars Keanu Reeves as controversial rookie Chairman Edward E. Coli, a rebellious bureaucrat who likes to cut corners. Kate Beckinsale plays his love interest, Rep. Irene Strep-Throat, a woman who wants to win his heart as well as a seat on the House Security Council. When a epidemic of heartburn ravages Washington, D.C., Chairman Coli must choose between his job and Irene, whose family has a history of gastro-intestinal disorder and is at greater risk.

Each installment in the series is directed by Michael Bay from a script by Akiva Goldsman. "The National Institute of Health" trilogy costars Liza Minelli as Reeves' embattled and alcoholic mother, Michael Jackson as a D.C. homeless man with a past, and international star of stage and screen Joel Grey as the President of the United States.

David Ansen of Newsweek calls "The National Institute of Health" Special Anniversary Collector's Edition DVD Box Set a "groundbreaking assembly of spectacular filmmaking, which teaches us more about our government, our health, and our humanity."

Own it today for $65. A dollar of each purchase goes to the Save the Kitties and Other Small Felines Fund.

# # #

Entry #4: Alanna Schubach, July 23, 2002

Plot summary for the Lifetime made-for-TV film Swapping Fates: The Commodity Futures Trading Commission Story
by Alanna Schubach

      In the year 2146, the purpose of the government agency known as Commodity Futures Trading Commission has changed dramatically. In this dystopian future, envisioned by master storyteller Joss Whedon, the agency is capable of predicting an individual's destiny from their birth. This is accomplished with cremazonian injections to the brain, then monitored by a Predictomatic computer program that can narrow down possibilities for one's future through studying genetic personality characteristics.
     Naturally, many difficulties arise for humans when discovering their own fate. For Neisha Cunningham, portrayed by Lucy Liu, her destiny is one riddled by drug addiction, an abusive boyfriend (a stunning turn by Kobe Bryant) and a job as a cashier in the women's shoe department of Nordstrom. To Neisha, there is only one option, and it is not to fulfill this existence. It is to trade futures with a more fortunate woman.
     Neisha consults the Commodity Futures Trading Commission (CFTC), a super-secretive organization based in Ibiza, with the help of a street-smart guide named Lorenzo (Jude Law). The CFTC promises to swap Neisha's future with that of the unsuspecting Geraldine (Angie Harmon), bound for a future as a prominent litigator, wife, and mother to a violin prodigy (Haley Joel Osment).
     However, Neisha discovers that there comes with the swapping a dangerous procedure, crushing guilt, and the wrath of denying one's destiny. As she must learn, some futures cannot be prevented, but only made more bearable through opening one's heart to love and compassion.
     Directed magnificently by Jon Favreau, with music by Henry Rollins and cinematography by Vincent Van Gogh's great-great-great-great-great-granddaughter Hortense, Swapping Fates is a haunting vision of where our desires can lead us, and a lasting legacy for the Lifetime movie series.

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