MASQUERADE

MASQUERADE

ACT ONE

Scene One

Argon's nicely appointed living room in the style of 1673. Downstage right is a door leading to the street outside. Next to it are two large windows. Downstage left is an alcove leading to the rest of the house. There is a sofa, three chairs, a large cabinet, a mantelpiece with various figurines and a small harpsichord upstage left. At rise, the stage is flooded with twilight. TOINETTE, the maid of the domicile, appears with a feather duster in her right hand and dreamily begins to straighten the room. She is in her early 30s and somewhat attractive. TOINETTE

It's twilight time in Gay Paree
And the setting sun casts its spell---
It's twilight time in Gay Paree,
And isn't it dull as hell?
I wish
That I were prettier
And owned a velvet dress;
I wish
That I were wittier
And talked a good deal less.
I wish
I had a caller now,
My passion to recharge;
I wish
My hips grew smaller now
And my bosom would enlarge.
I wish I drank the finest wine
And danced on gilded floors;
I wish I were a concubine
To someone rich
Like Louis Quatorze.
I wish
I heard my name each night
While in a warm embrace;
I wish
A brownie came each night
And cleaned this whole damned place.
I wish
I'd give up starches now
(I wish to God I could),
I wish
That both my arches now
Still arched like arches should.
I wish
That I could stay outside
And hear the robins sing;
I wish
It weren't May outside
So I could wish for spring.
I wish that I were much more frail
And looked naïve somehow;
I wish
That I'd been born a male
Just so's that I'd be courting me now.
I wish
I could accrue much less
And get along with naught;
I wish
I liked to screw much less
Or at least discard the thought.

(SHE hums softly to herself and continues to dust the room. The doorbell rings. Hopefully, SHE goes to answer it. A very large NUN stands there. TOINETTE turns and regards the audience.) TOINETTE This wasn't quite what I had in mind. (NUN resembles a man in drag. As a matter of fact, she IS a man in drag, and she speaks in a falsetto voice.) NUN Please. Something for the poor.

ARGON (o.s.)

Toinette, who is that at the door? Is it my doctor?

TOINETTE

A Sister of Charity collecting for the poor.

ARGON (o.s.)

How can I think of the poor when I'm dying? Tell her to come back when I've had the proper elimination.

TOINETTE

(calling)
By that time the monarchy might have collapsed.
(to Nun)
Excuse me. (SHE moves through the alcove. NUN looks around at every objet d'art, hurries to the mantelpiece and grabs a shepherdess and is about to place it into her robes when TOINETTE reappears and, seeing what the Nun is doing, stops suspiciously. NUN now looks at the shepherdess as though only admiring it.) NUN Lovely. Looks exactly like one I saw at the Duchess de Marnay's.

TOINETTE

Is that right?

NUN

The Duchess de Marnay has such beautiful things.

TOINETTE

The Duke de Marnay isn't one of them.

NUN

(with a high-pitched laugh)
Oh, you know the Duchess and the Duke!

ARGON (o.s.)

Toinette! Come back here.
(TOINETTE places some coins in the Nun's palm, glancing at the size of it suspiciously. NUN grasps her hand a bit too strongly and a bit too long.) NUN How can I ever thank you?

TOINETTE

You can give me back my hand.

ARGON (o.s.)

Toinette! (NUN passes this off with a gay laugh. ANGELIQUE rushes onstage through the front door. She is very young and very lovely.) ANGELIQUE Toinette! Toinette!
(stopping suddenly)
Oh, I'm sorry.

NUN

It's all right, my dear. I was just going. May God go with you. And you, too. I'll be back! (SHE retreats through the front door. TOINETTE closes it after her.) TOINETTE Something very strange about that nun.

ANGELIQUE

Oh, Toinette! I've just come from him!

TOINETTE

I suspected as much.

ANGELIQUE

There is no one like him in the entire world, Toinette! He is so charming, so considerate.

(Enter ARGON, middle-aged, nervous and leaning upon a cane.)

ARGON

(to Angelique)
Ah, daughter! Just the one I want to see. But first things first.
(to Toinette)
Didn't you hear me calling you?

TOINETTE

No, master. Of course not, master. If I had, I would have been right by your side, master.

ARGON

Are you mocking me?

TOINETTE

What makes you say a thing like that, master?

ARGON

Did my injection work well today?

TOINETTE

Your injection?

ARGON

Yes, my injection. Did I pass much bile?

TOINETTE

Goodness! Don't ask me. Let M. Diaforous nose into that. He gets the profit from it.

ARGON

It is Dr. Diaforous, and don't you forget that. And make sure the hot water's ready for the one I'm due to have shortly.

TOINETTE

They're having fine games with your carcass, those so-called doctors. I'd like to ask them what's wrong with you that you need all these medicines.

ARGON

Hold your tongue, you ignorant creature! Who are you to question the doctors' orders? Now, Angelique, to another matter. Uh-oh! That purgative is finally working. I'll be right back!

(HE hurries off through the alcove.)

ANGELIQUE

Oh, Toinette. Don't you think he's magnificent?

TOINETTE

Your father or the purgative?

ANGELIQUE

Stop that! Cleante, of course!

TOINETTE

He is most pleasant to look at.

ANGELIQUE

Pleasant! Is that all you can say?

TOINETTE

You just met him.

ANGELIQUE

But it's like we've known each other all our lives.

TOINETTE

Listen to me, Angelique.

The moon can masquerade as love,
It wears a cloak of dreams,
But one night when the cloak's removed,
How empty moonlight seems!
Then you sit and you wonder
What caused it to grow so cold?
What you thought was a treasure
Has only been fairy gold.
A rose can masquerade as love---
It tells you love is all---
But somehow when the morning comes
The petals wilt and fall.
You must try to evade
Roses and moons and such----
They're often a masquerade
And they hurt much too much.

ANGELIQUE                                         You may be right, Toinette.
                                        This may be something I shall regret.
                                        And yet,
                                        I still recall
                                        A little tale my Mother told
                                        When I was four or five years old. A donkey fell in love
In Lyonnais,
And morning, noon and night,
He'd sit and bray,
"Ha-he-ha-hon,
"Ha-he-ha-hon,
"Hon-ha-he-hay."

He sat and sang his song
As spring passed by,
But never did he hear
His love reply,
"Ha-he-ha-hon,
"Ha-he-ha-hon,
"Hon-ha-he-hay."

He never stopped to think:
What does this silence mean?
For love seemed simply grand,
And he didn't understand
He'd fallen for a lima bean.

TOINETTE A lima bean?

ANGELIQUE

A little lima bean hanging on a green vine. The lima bean was his,
And how he'd glow---
He could have sworn she smiled
When he would go,
"Ha-he-ha-hon,
"Ha-he-ha-hon,
"Hon-ha-he-hay."

The other donkeys laughed
In Lyonnais
At this poor little ass
Who sang away:
"Ha-he-ha-hon,
"Ha-he-ha-hon,
"Hon-ha-he-hay."

He never stopped to ask:
What are they thinking of?
Because he'd never seen
Or heard that a lima bean
Was meant to eat
And not to love.

And then one day…
There came a drought and thus
His true love died,
And where she once had grown,
He sat and cried,
"Ha-he-ha-hon,
"Ha-he-ha-hon,
"Hon-ha-he-hay."

A wise old llama passed
And heard his tale
And said, "Oh, little friend,
"You mustn't wail:
"Ha-he-ha-hon,
"Ha-he-ha-hon,
"Hon-ha-he-hay."

"Come let us build a shrine
"Upon this tiny plot,
"And though the others chide,
"You'll hold up your head with pride,
"For you have found
"What they have not."

And since the donkey's known
What love can be,
He works out in the sun
And sings with glee:
"Ha-he-ha-hon,
"Ha-he-ha-hon,
"Hon-ha-he-hay."

TOINETTE I think you made that up. You'll soon find out anyway. He told you yesterday he’s decided to ask for your hand and that's a pretty good way of letting you know whether he's in earnest or not.

(ARGON re-enters looking very relieved.)

ARGON

Now where was I?

TOINETTE

The last I heard it was your bile.

ARGON

No, not my bile! My daughter!

TOINETTE

So like him to put his bile before his daughter.

ARGON

Sit here, my child. I've some news, something you were probably not expecting. I have received an offer of marriage for you. Ah, you are smiling! The word marriage tickles your fancy, does it? From what I can see there's no need to ask if you want to be married.

ANGELIQUE

It's my duty to obey you in everything, father.

ARGON

Your stepmother wanted me to put you into a convent.

TOINETTE

(aside)
The old cat has her reasons.

ARGON

She wouldn't agree to the marriage, but I carried my point and I have given my word.

ANGELIQUE

Ah, father, how grateful I am for your goodness!

ARGON

I haven't seen the young man myself, but they tell me I shall be pleased with him, and you shall, also.

ANGELIQUE

You may be sure of it, father.

ARGON

Why? Have you seen him?

ANGELIQUE

Now that your consent permits to confess it, I won't hesitate to tell you we have already made each other's acquaintance a week ago, and you have been asked for my hand because we fell in love at first sight.

ARGON

I wasn't told that, but I'm very pleased to hear it. If that's how things are so much the better. They say he's a fine, handsome fellow.

ANGELIQUE

Yes, father.

ARGON

And likeable.

ANGELIQUE

Very likeable.

ARGON

Steady---and comes of a good family.

ANGELIQUE

Absolutely.

ARGON

A most trustworthy young man.

ANGELIQUE

Utterly trustworthy.

ARGON

And he speaks good Greek and Latin.

ANGELIQUE

I don't know about that.

ARGON

He's taking his degree as a doctor in three days.

ANGELIQUE

Is he, father?

ARGON

Hasn't he told you that?

ANGELIQUE

No. Who was it who told you?

ARGON

Dr. Diaforous.

ANGELIQUE

Does Dr. Diaforous know him?

ARGON

What a question to ask! Of course he knows him, since he's his father.

ANGELIQUE

Cleante is Dr. Diaforous' son?

ARGON

Cleante! What Cleante? We're talking about the young man who wants to marry you.

ANGELIQUE

Yes, of course, we are.

ARGON

Very well then. He's Dr. Diaforous' son. His name is Thomas, not Cleante, and we arranged the marriage this morning. His father is bringing him to see me tomorrow. What's the matter? You seem quite dumbfounded.

ANGELIQUE

Because I realize you've been talking about one person, father, and I thought you meant someone else.

(SHE rushes from the room almost in tears.)

TOINETTE

However could you think of such a ridiculous scheme? With all the money you have you aren't going to marry your daughter to a doctor?

ARGON

Yes, I am. And what has this to do with you, you impudent wench?

TOINETTE

What are your reasons, if I may ask, for a marriage like this?

ARGON

You may not ask. But I shall tell you anyway. In view of the feeble state I'm in, I want to marry my daughter into the medical profession so I can assure myself of help in my illness and be in a position to have consultations and prescriptions whenever I want them.

TOINETTE

Well, that's certainly a reason and might actually apply if you were really ill.

ARGON

What? You impudent jade! What do you think these palpitations of the heart are? These pains in my kidneys? My intestines and my difficulty in elimination! The cramps in my legs, the headaches, the nausea…

TOINETTE

All right then, you are ill. Very ill. More ill than you think. But your daughter should marry to suit herself. She isn't ill so there's no need to give her a doctor.

ARGON

A daughter with any proper feeling ought to be only too pleased to marry someone who will be of service to her father's health.

TOINETTE

Master, will you let me offer you some friendly advice?

ARGON

Advice from you, you wench, is never friendly.

TOINETTE

Think no more of this marriage.

ARGON

And why not may I ask?

TOINETTE

She'll never consent. She'll have nothing to do with Mr. Diaforous or his son Thomas nor a whole pack of Diaforouses.

ARGON

Doctor Diaforous' son is the sole heir to Doctor Diaforous' wealth. And Doctor Diaforous is a man with ten thousand a year!

TOINETTE

He must have killed a lot of patients to have made all that.

ARGON

And she either consents to this marriage or it's the convent for her!

TOINETTE

Over my dead body.

ARGON

What are things coming to? A slut of a servant talking like this to her master!

TOINETTE

When a master doesn't know what he's doing, a sensible servant does right to correct him.

ARGON

You insolent creature! I'll murder you!

                                  (HE begins to chase her about the room with his cane.
                                   BELINE enters. She is most attractive and considerably
                                   younger than her husband.)

BELINE

Oh, my dear husband! What is going on?

ARGON

It’s that horrible Toinette. She’s getting more impertinent than ever.

BELINE

Toinette, if you ever annoy my husband again I’ll sack you.

TOINETTE

I, Madam? Dear me! I don’t know what you mean! I always try to please the master in everything.

ARGON

Oh! The deceitful creature!

BELINE

There, give me his fur cloak and his pillows and I’ll make him comfortable in his chair. Let me pull your night cap over your ears. There’s nothing like letting the air in your ears for giving you a cold.

( SHE arranges the pillows around him.)

ARGON

Oh, my dear, how grateful I am to you for taking such care of me.

BELINE

Let me put this one to support you and this one at the other side, another one at your back and this one here to keep your head up.

TOINETTE

And this one here…
(dropping a pillow on his head and running off)
…to keep the dew off you.

ARGON

You wretch! Do you want to smother me? You see what she did! No wonder my bile is in the condition it’s in!

BELINE

There, there, my poor darling. Close your eyes, my love.

(SHE goes to the sideboard, opens the lower cabinets and extracts a small mandolin.)

BELINE                                         Any true woman will worship her master
                                        And when he’s in pain with his bile,
                                        She’ll hold his hand through each bilious disaster
                                        Waiting for one simple smile.
                                        That’s all that I want from my Argon,
                                        Just one gay and genial grin---
                                        Though his diseases are far gone,
                                        Let’s cheer him, little mandolin. Oh, little mandolin, come let us sing
Songs of love and songs of spring,
Songs of all the reasons Argon’s king,
Waiting for my husband to smile.

Oh, little mandolin, let’s make up chants,
Chants of youth and sweet romance,
Chants of how I love his form and stance,
Waiting for my husband to smile.

Shall we sing songs how my day is grim
Whenever I learn of the chills he’s had?
And how I long to be kissed by him
Just so I can share all the pills he’s had.

Oh, little mandolin, come sing with pride,
Songs of plains and countryside,
Songs of how I love his manly stride,
Waiting for my husband to smile.

(During the last part of the song, we hear the doorbell ring. TOINETTE goes to answer it. MAN appears. SHE places a finger to her lips and leads him across the stage and into the alcove where THEY exit. Both Argon and Beline are oblivious to this. Then, when the song is finished, TOINETTE reappears.) TOINETTE Excuse me, master. But your lawyer is waiting in the library.

ARGON

What? Why didn’t you show him in here?

TOINETTE

I didn’t want to disturb true love.

(SHE exits.)

ARGON

Come, dear. I am making my will.

BELINE

Please don’t talk about that. I can’t bear the idea. The very word ‘will’ sets me trembling.

ARGON

But I want you to see I am leaving you practically everything.

BELINE

Oh, my dearest, what do I care? Don’t you realize if anything happened to you, life would not be worth living?

ARGON

My angel! My love! (HE embraces her and almost dances off toward the library. BELINE sits for a moment brushing away an imaginary tear. Then SHE strums her mandolin.) BELINE All of us people with special ambitions
Often must sit back and wait;
What does a warrior do between missions
Other than gamble and mate?
I don’t have a penchant for gambling,
I don’t have the freedom for sin.
So while the hours are ambling,
God bless my little mandolin.

Oh, little mandolin, come let us sing
Songs of love and songs of spring,
Songs of all the joy investments bring
Waiting for my husband to croak.

Oh, little mandolin, let’s make up chants,
Chants of youth and sweet romance,
Chants of all the coins in Argon’s pants,
Waiting for my husband to croak.

Yes, little mandolin, there’s no doubt
That it pays to be wily and wilier,
We can look forward to ague and gout
And when his piles become pilier.

Oh, little mandolin, come sing with pride
Songs of plains and countryside,
Songs of when Argon is mummified,
Waiting for my husband to croak.

Oh, little mandolin, let music flow,
Sing a song that’s apropos
Of how high I’ll be when he’s below,
Waiting for my husband to croak.

Oh, little mandolin, come let us make
Songs about what I shall bake,
All that I shall bake for Argon’s wake,
Waiting for my husband to croak.

Shall we sing songs of the Good Lord's jokes
(You can't tell them from ditties demonical)?
Or shall we sing songs about sudden strokes
And maybe a plague that's bubonical?

Oh, little mandolin, we’re all abuzz
Thinking what no doctor does
Like putting cyanide in his enemas,
Waiting for my husband to cro-o-ok---
Waiting for my husband to croak.

LIGHTS SLOWLY DIM