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The Famous Rant on Relationships

Warning... This rant contains HARSH language not unlike that of the sailor dialect. If you are offended by anything in the rant, go cry somewhere where I won't be bothered as I will NOT CARE.

Page One- What the fuck is up with relationships? Why does everything have to be so damn complicated? Why is someone you happen to like able to turn on you in a matter of seconds? Well, gentlemen, here's a couple of things to remember. To get it right, check her out. Do some background checks, ask around, talk to her friends, etc. Let's start with that, her friends. Now you had better like her friends. If you don't like her friends, tell her, "It was nice, but I gotta bail out now before something happens." 'Cause girls will pick their friends over you in a heartbeat. And rightly so. Friendships are built upon years of sharing experiences, similarities, and getting to know one another. Relationships can happen as fast as a guy looking across the room and having little Richard stand up at attention. There are those who argue that relationships are built upon the same principles of friendships, but who are they kidding? Now myself, I've had to deal with some of the most annoying people I've ever met. It seemed like all her friends were assembled because of their hatred of me and everything I stand for and vice versa. I hated her friends. They were like a bunch of big-mouth chatterboxes looking to be beat. I couldn't tell the boys from the girls. Of course, in a relationship, all I could do was grin and bear it. It came to point, though, where I just said, "Fuck this. You go off and have a great time with your friends and I'll wander off somewhere to shoot myself." They were that annoying. Gentlemen, don't make the same mistakes I made. Perhaps you can find a way to get along with her friends, but me, no. They all thought her crazy to be going out with me, she being the cherubic angel-like presence and me being the Lord Or Darkness. There is never a problem with the females not liking the male's friends, however. This is because the females simply say, "Don't talk to them. In fact, they're not your friends anymore. Here. These are your new friends. Shake hands and have a couple drinks with them. I'm going to the john and when I'm back, you don't remember the dolts you used to hang out with, got it?" And like some obedient pet, we nod our heads. "Hey, man! How's it going?" No answer. "What's wrong?" "I'm not allowed to talk to you anymore." "What?" "I'm not allowed to talk to you anymore. Shit. My girlfriend's coming back, hide." Same thing when prom comes around. My girlfriend comes up to me, "So who're we going to prom with?" "Uh, my friend Rex invited us along to go with him, so I guess we'll going with him." "The fuck we will. Here. My friends are going to so we'll go with them. By the way. You shell out $80-$90 of your own cash for tickets yet?" Had men the wisdom that I possessed soon after prom, they'd go, "Fuck this noise. You pay and I decide who we go with. You like that?"Now how come the female always chooses how the male dresses? That's just part of their dominance and we males let it happen, too. I'm a jeans and T-shirt kinda guy. I like wearing my jeans a little baggy, a little sagged, and my T-shirt will not be tucked in. Ever. Then a week after I started going out with my girl, I was tucking in my T-shirt and there was a belt on my jeans, which, by the way, were hiked up to my fuckin' chest. Why do we let them do this? Because they're the females. For some reason, females were sculpted very finely and curveous for the male eye to slobber over. Males, however, come out chisled (if you're lucky) and bulky, or maybe a walking rib cage with skin tightly plastered over. And as long as women continue to look good to men, we do what the fuck they tell us to. The way we think it, we're fuckin' lucky to even be dating, right? If there's a semblance of attractiveness in our male bodies, we're lucky that the females have found it, locked onto it, and we better become their slaves. That's bullshit, I know, but that's how we think. I know a couple where the guy's completely and totally whipped because his girlfriend chooses the right moments to ignore him. That's what women do if they're pissed. They ignore you. That's their big honkin' secret. And us men, we're like, "Oh shit. What can I do to get her to talk to me again?" We do stupid shit like spend our own cash to appease them. Then, you know what? They find it insulting that you buy them something. They find it revolting that you could stoop so low as to try to buy their love. You ask what do they want you to do? They say, "I want you to talk to me." A man with my astute view on the world, would then counter with, "FUCK YOU, SKANK!! You're the one who ignored me in the first place!! So I say FUCK YOU!!" You're then down a girlfriend, but she was a bitch anyway. Back to this couple. The guy can't say anything without the girl becoming mega pissed. He says, "It's not like we're going to be together forever." *click* "Hello?" I know, even I know not to say something that fuckin' retarded. But still, the girl overreacts, tellin' her friends, here we go with her friends again, "That rat-bastard! He said we weren't going to be together forever! I could never imagine us being apart! Ever!" Except for right now while you're ignoring him, you self-contradicting ogre. Unfortunately this is a repeating occurrance so my friend, who was once a proud, proud man, is now his girlfriend's bitch on a leash. He's not the same person he used to be. All of this can be credited to his boyfri-- er, girlfriend. There's something that has to be said about dating hard working, seemingly nice, secretly ego-maniacal Asian girls... as in don't do it. I made that mistake, but the side effects still linger. Strange how they can be working on oh, I don't know, an art project or something, striving to get that A, get that A, get that A. You mention some funny little anecdote you remembered to tell her and what happens? She swings towards you and start screaming, "WHAT? WHAT? WHAT DO YOU WANT? WHAT? CAN'T YOU SEE I'M WORKING? HUH? CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT? WHAT'S SO DAMN IMPORTANT?" By now, you're mouth's agape and you're sitting there, "duh... uh.. uh.. nothing." But then one of her FRIENDS comes and she's all hunky-dorey. "Hi, oh this? Just something I'm working on, nothing important. How are you? I'm so freakin' interested in your life but my boyfriend can take the next train straight to hell." Thank you so much. Next part.