readings
all too seriously or not. To me a journal is where I like to keep a record
of the thoughts and emotions I feel and see at any given time. I would also
like to believe that these entries here are somewhat like windows, peering
into the deep sub-psyche within me. The only problem is that I am not as articulated
as my thoughts would like to be. I'm sure some of these entries would freak
out some of you, and possibly even confuse the rest. But that's what I'm all
about, freaking you out and making you wonder. So be apathetic, be tentative,
be whatever you like when you read these; that's all I ask before you go on.
MM-DD-YY = online journal entries Journal Entry N = entries from my offline journal I Remember When = Things I remember on whim I Have Noticed = Random thoughts on things
4-28-00
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i saw a hat on Newbury's Diesel, so i bought it. i forgot how much i liked the simple things from diesel's parachutech line.
in worcester, sometimes i enjoy being alone. maybe a little more than sometimes. it is in my solitude that i feel able to function undisturbed to do whatever that I please to do.
today i was returning videos and as i was coming out, i noticed a lady with bandaged fingers, tattered by the threading, smoking a cigarette. she asked for change, and i said i had none. she whimpered that she was sick. my insides turned knots...i stopped giving to the poor as soon as i realized they buy scratch tickets, drugs, or alcohol. and i'm conflicted each time they ask for money, for I have to wonder which of the three they're going to buy, if not food. But i just realized that they do whatever it takes for them to feel less miserable.
4.29.00
today yet once again was not all that special. work in the morning, home at night. But i was exceptionally tired working today. maybe it was the damned shoes. ð몤ª¿ª¤£¡
to be chased physically is a frightful concept. to be chased mentally and from other immaterial objects, from the moment one opens their eyes til the moment they fall asleep is even more frightening. it's like a nightmare, only while awake, and instead of wanting to wake up to it, i wish to hurry and fall asleep.
5.04.00
it is days like this that makes me regret working. not a cloud in the sky, temperature in my favorite 22 degrees celcius, and no wind. but since i have to make ends meet, i had no choice but to work. *sigh*
i just read the japanese i had written on this page. wow, i myself can point out and see the grammar and spelling mistakes. i should fix it but then again, i'm not fluent in japanese, so i'm thinking that i am allowed to make such mistakes.
i just woke up from a nap. it's 1 am in the morning. waking up to solitude, to the empty streets outside, and the silence of the dead of night. i feel lonely. nothing worse than waking up with a sad frown on your face with the feeling of emptiness inside. it felt as if i was the only one in the world alive tonight.
another thing on my mind is what i am going through these days. HR from dk called regarding the issue/investigation with 127. i do not know any longer if i have done the right thing. at one point it's most certain that she is unfit, and resentment resides. on the other hand, who am i to change such things? i picture her being tormented, lost and confused, scared, because of what i have done. i want to cry. i want to just go up to her and apologize unconditionally, make amends completely and just take all fault and blame to myself. and it eats me up inside knowing that it is something which is never to be reversed, cannot be undone. i've completely torn a nice sincere person's life. and it's only just begun, it's only to be worsened from this point on. *sigh* ãýª¬ªâª¦ìéÓøª¤ª¿ª¤¡£¡£¡£¡£
today was very very strange. the weather was pefect, a perfect day with the perfect humidity, the perfect sun, and perfect amounts of cloud. the only thing that was not perfect was my day. woke up as usual, got out a little early, did some errands, and worked. but the very strange thing that happened was, a gay friend of mine took me by complete surprise, becuz he mentioned something about me being all too versed and charming. He told me that i would make anyone happy with my wit and realisitc optimism. I thought that was really odd, because true that I know a lot of gay people, and i think that gay people for the most part are genuine and funny. but, i have never had a gay man hint to me that he was indeed very fond of me out of the blue. i consider him as a really good friend, and he teaches me a lot of things, but this by far was the biggest lesson of all. i wondered what i had done to make this man harbor such strong feelings, and i had wondered if i had provoked it. i just did not expect some response like that for my actions of being nice and myself to him. i had to play it off by saying, "wow, i must be real good if i can make a gay man like me." And with that laughter i backed off a little. i do not know how to handle this situation. the girls i have dated in the past, if i had no interest, i would just give the cold shoulder, and move on with my life. but how do i give the cold shoulder to a friend, much less to a guy? Worcester is too fuct up i think now. get me out of here. i want to lead a normal life, is that so hard to ask? ãêsama¡¢ªªªÍª¬ª¤ª·ªÞª¹¡¢åïªÎìÑßæ¡¢Ùí×⪷ªÊª¤ªÇ~~~!
Oo oo, another thing i want to point out is that today, during work, a friend complimented on my style. she sed, "wow, i dunno how you do it." "do what?" "you pull off things so well on things other people can't." "i don't follow." "your taste in clothing and style on how you present yourself. it's not very common, and would look very bad on other people, but every style you have, like that messy look, or the drawstring linen and sandals look, you still can pull it off. only you." i was so very happy to hear that, because i try different things and i live on input, and want to know if my attempts are successful. she is my new best friend.
05.07.00
james and i were drinking last night, and i realized how weird he can be. We were drinking tequila, and this time we did not have any lime on us. so, i decided to use milk as my chaser, and he brought out a jar of pickles. i thought it was funny, cuz i considered it a kind of western "dohng chi mi." i like drinking with james. with him i can talk about anything and everything, and i get an equal amount of feedback. i especially enjoy talking to him about current events, and sometimes we have our different views, but other times i get amazed at how similar our standpoints are. one time he completely blew me away with his thoughts on the trinity, for that has been a subject troubling me for years. i just left it as a subject where it needs no questioning, leaving it on complete faith in my christian beliefs. but when he related it to the father the son and the holy spirit as the mind, body, and soul, it completely took me off guard. he had put into better terms for me to understand the concept of the trinity which i have been struggling for years. it was god's miracle in making me understand him more through james, an atheist. i think james is a closet christian. =)
(note: i brainstormed this while in my slumps and thinking about death. it's called word association or freewriting or something like that) silence, solitude, pain, hunger, being alone, pain, empty laughter, meaningles associations. friends i miss, hee jeong, hiori, marion, being wanted. to ffit in, to stick out. to be able to look anger and problem right straight in the fucking eye. to be able to be mad more often. die, death, serenity, eternal silence, neverending moments of light to reflect on life. to float freely, cold, warm, be one with god. tears of relief, serenity, aptitude, infinite knowlege, freedom from the chains life defines. to die, painlessly, or with severe pain. the greater the pain, the greater the rewards of afterlife. the more it hurts the more serene it'll be. to be blinded by inginite knowledge, no pain, no sorrow. death, a haven, where i'd fit in, death, right as rain, to cry laugh, all at the same moment of passing. to detach from human petty emotions. to belong once again. the pleasureful release of pain; feeling the gaping, sliding slittings of the wrists, feel the deadening release of life from hanging, the impactful release of pain through collision death. to witness the elysium-like sweet drunken stupor of being poisoned. to feel the tingling giggles of GRIM through electrocution. guns are stupid. i think there are eons of better ways of taking my own life to tell the Lord. i have failed him. but he keeps saying i am not failing. that through each accomplishment from the great slumps just make him more proud of me. love by death. smile. the greater the the satisfaction from overcoming them.
today is mother's day and something isn't right. i forget whether korean mother's day is different from the us one. well, i haven't seen my mother, my korean mother, for more than two years so naturally i miss her a lot. i have only spoken to her a total of like 4 times so far on the phone.
a good friend of mine told me in his email that he was going to go see his mother for mother's day in rhode island. that really got me down in my own ways because it made me realize how lucky some people have it to have their parents just a drive away. and some people still live with their parents, and complain to me about how liberating it must be that i am away from mine. well i wonder if they'd realize how foolish they sound when they become estranged away from home and from their family entirely, as i have. maybe then they would understand and share with me the feeling of being completely left alone. lliberating maybe, but definately not a good feeling at times.
05.23.00
i was at the korean market on sunday by the railroad tracks in worcester waiting for my roommate. i decided to step down to the tracks, seeming how it looked like a scene from the movies. as i stood on the tracks, i looked out one way. the railroad tracks would swing a hard left hiding into the woods underneath a bridge. it was nice to look at, but, a sense/feeling of frustration/irritation set in me, because i wanted to see all of the tracks. i was not content with the tracks' disappearance, as i got confused. so i turned the other direction. it was really a scene to be admired. the tracks continued uncurved, straight, and disappeared over a hill after a few miles of stretchin. the silver rail, the grey pebbles surrounding the tracks, and the dark green foliage on either sides managed to create the perfect picture. over the hill, the light green (probably from slight fog that day) hill on the horizon complimented well to complete the scenery. i felt liberated, open, free and even a brief unconditional "relief."
so i turned around. i felt again suffocated, irritated, and uneasy.
and then i applied it to my life. my past was an open, free liberating, and troublefree, much like the straight "favorable" tracks. and now, i view my futre and feel trapped, just like the tracks that swerved to nothingness.
and i turned around. again and again, comparing my life's past and present, as i was doing the 2 different track "views."
and so i realized it. it's not whether or not your past/present should be set, or view concrete/set. just like the way i physically turned to see the different views of the same track, so is life. it's how you want to see it. if you feel your future as a trapped and lost track, then so be it. it is how you are wanting to see it. if you would like to see it as an open and liberating potential, then just turn around. i'm sure one's more favorable than the other.
6.15.00
i'm now home in seoul korea and it's been two weeks since i have come back to my home. i love korea and the technology has changed so much and almost uselessly, but i think i have seen enough but still not enough, i feel as if i still have so much more to do but i am waiting. i come home, and since my parents have moved while i was gone, this home does not feel like a home, i feel as if i'm only staying here temporarily. i know when i go back, it's going to add my sense of having no home. yesterday i was with marion and we talked a lot, and through all these years she was someone i have seen as a friend, but for the first time, i looked at her and thought how pretty she looked yesterday. i think it's funny. my being here. i love it. yah, i definately love it here.
7.01.00
i think i have had enough of korea in a way, because things seem so repetitive. but then again i know i will miss it so much more when i leave. now the question is where to go from here, my future holds a new direction and a new light, but where that light leads, i hvae absolutely no idea. i think i love to just carpe diem, but that in itself is only a theory and cannot be actualized, and if someone does that, then they're incredibly amazing or just incredibly crazy, maybe both. i have to plan, such is human destiny. to plan, to plan and then to plan yet another day, until we plan our final crossover into death.
07.06.00
today i didn't do much but just work my ass off translating for Arirang TV. my god, can korean people be a little bit less procrastinating? i think now i know where i get my procrastination. i mean these people had to go into recording in like 4 hours and they didn't finish the script i had to translate. so i had to clean that mess and finished in like ultra mega fast speed. and finished it with five minutes before recording. anyway. yesterday i went to go calculate the costs of the things i have to get and it's well over a thousand dollars, but i'm so very excited to go shopping. little life's miseries consoled by my impulsive shopping habits. i'm just a shopping whore when it comes to material posessions. maybe it makes up for the deep deep mind and spirit i have. *grin* anyhow i'm kooky right now, and feeling all icky, so i'm heading out.
12.30.00
Snow. I miss Snow. It is a symbol of our memories. all the moments in snow, espescially when we were children, they're all only of happy memories. for me it was my childhood and clark. I remember when I was in Clark. The happiest days of my life were at Clark. I had just started school. i was finally alone for the first time in my life completely. At the age of 18, i had found what i believe was truly myself. in a quiet neighborhood of worcester, where nobody knew me, i was left to snail my way around a new life.being completely alone for the first time where the closest family member was 300 miles away...I was scared, but determined to love a private life of independence, to do what i liked where i liked when i liked. the season was winter. and by that time, there was a lot of snow there. i don't think i've seen that much snow. but as i saw it, i quickly embraced by brother and father who came to see me off, and sent them on their way back down to New York. When he left, i felt sad, very empty. and that was when it snowed. so to me snow represents liberty, the moment of being freed, to fly, and to be left alone. but with a price......you have to give up something very dear to you to trade off. that is what snow means to me, i hope you guys get it. WHEN i was in clark, i remember coming back to my dorm after a class. the night before hailed a blizzard-like snowstorm, so there was a lot of snow on the ground, about up to my thighs. BUt the snow was so much more memorable cuz the sun in the afternoon blazed the entire campus glowing. The main campus yard was brightly blazed on fire by the white lights of the snow. that scene was something to remember. it was way too picturesque. and i would coe back to my dorm. with the window open, the room is chilly, but i'm sweating from the jacket i wore. and breathe in the fresh cold icy air. i had not one problem in the world, i was studying. and alone.
in my wonderful world a continent away from parents and three states away from my brother. but then....at the same time, snow also means smiles. whenever it snowed in korea, i'd get all bright eyed, and happy and just simply look at the snow and smile. i was
01.23.01
ok. i just read what i wrote right above, and it's quite amazing how much horseshit comes out of my mouth when i'm uplifted with the spontaneous enlightenment brought to me by Siddartha from the banks of the Ganges (if you haven't figured out that continuous analogy by now, then my friend, it is YOU who needs to lighten up a bit). It's not that i do it a lot. i honestly don't like it, but once in a while, you just have to see things in a different light. and u kno, that horseshit up there was pretty intensive shit at the time i wrote it. but i think that it's now okay for an individual to dabble with a little bit of drugs, because it gives you a different perspective on things. i mean, only like 2 years ago, i was the most anti druggie you could ever meet. but now, i can see some things they see, their reasoning, and such. i'm not saying that i'm for druggies, but i'm just saying it's understandable to a point. Ricky and I were talking about it the other night and he shared with me a very interesting point. when the pleasure in using drugs is high and the down is low, as are many first times, it's seemingly not a problem to want to do illicit drugs, and the dangers are low. whereas, as time progresses for an addict, the pleasure is increasingly lowered while the down rises inversely. that is when drugs become a dangerous problem. i thought that was pretty insightful. another interesting point that he shared was that mankind likes to throw money at their problems. that was a very witty and funny remark, and i think it's completely true. you have a dumb kid? throw some money at him, take him to a tutor, make it go away. you got car problems? throw some money at it. u got issues? throw some money on yourself and get a shrink. u get the idea.... it was funny to think that money is the medium in which people use to make their problems go away.
07.01.01
i know i haven't been able to update these pages much, but i'm in the process! it's just that my life has seemingly become much more complex. Just to give you a low down. i have been broke to the point where i had starved myself for days. and through all this i had no home. i found a job as a server at a korean restaurant. i have made new friends. i met someone, i went to boston, i found a place to live again. LA people have hurt me. i met someone. this person is always good to me, making sacrifices, and teaching me to do the same. i have been helped. my life is beginning to pick up a bit, slowly, but surely. that is why i couldn't finish this homepage sooner. i apologize to all those around me. in the end, i will not fail you. my life has been hell in the past few months, but i assure you my friends, i will not disappoint you. thank you all for your support.