Voices in my head
Clifford speaks out and tells of how he sees the world through his eyes...
Everytime I pick up a pen to write, or sit in front of the iMac trying to think of something to write, to pen the lyrics of the new song that I intend to write over the weekend, it is never easy.
Not that I have no inspiration, nothing of that sort. In fact, there is never a time when I am out of things that can inspire a song. Nope. I am a lucky composer, I guess.
The real struggle comes from the fact that I am fighting with myself to control the emotions that wells up from within me.
For many who have heard of my songs, you will know that everyone of them has a story behind them. Call them musical journals, sonic storybook, or anything you want. Every song has a story behind them, and they are normally sad stories of someone's life.
THIS, is the concept of Pure Stain. To write music inspired from everyday life. May not sound so new, but try taking these things and then look at them through my eyes, when elements of morality comes into play, trying not to continue to live my life and NOT get affected by what I hear and eventually write...
Trying not to become one with the role I am trying to create in my head, trying to stay afloat and not plunge into depression everytime I get into the song, trying to hold the tears back while writing and performing, trying to turn them into abstract pictures and imagery in my head so that I can write them.... it becomes a hell of a task.
This is why when some of the stories that comes to me never got completed into a song, well, it is not because I am not touched by them. But it is because I could not hold back the emotions, and I know, if I were to force myself to complete the song, or to perform them, I will break... emotionally, I will turn into a wreck. The last time it happened, I sank into depression, and anger.
Angry that life has got to be so harsh on people, and it is so unfair, so cruel. Quote from Ship of Fools, one of my favourite songs from Erasure : "Why is life so precious but seems so cruel". I only hope that the older I get, the nearer I will be to the answer to this question.
Pain. This is what that fuels my creativity. "Every artist needs pain, so feed me."
This used to be my motto, and I painted it on a piece of canvas and hung it on the wall in my homes studio. I don't know, if this is the right thing to do. Should I continue to wallow in mire so that I can continue to write songs that touches people, inspired by the dark side of life?
I am more in control of my emotions these days, but am I really feeling better?
My family suffers, my best friend suffers, my lover suffers, people around me suffers when I am in depression. I turn into a monster, after taking in someone else's pain. Am I fair? Am I doing the right thing? I don't know sometimes.
But when I see the eyes of the one whom the song is about light up after I have played the song for them, it makes it all worthwhile. Maybe this is my destiny, to write music to touch other's souls. But I have to control myself, and keep the emotions in control. To learn how and when to hold back and build a defensive wall to protect myself when emotional invasion creeps in.
I have tried to be a sensitive and loving person, but it only happens during a period of time when I do not touch anything regarding music, when my heart settles down.
But when I hear of someone's sad story and wants to write a song about them, the whole emotional roller coaster ride start. Help. I am sinking in too deep. But deep inside, there is this happiness, knowing that when the song is completed, it will bring a smile to someone else's face. Lighting up someone else's eyes, bringing light to the darkness of someone else's heart. Maybe this is the right thing to do, to being comfort to others. I can take that pain. I can bear it. Because God helps me take the pain away. I will learn to be stronger. That is why I love you, Jesus.
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