Mimete Steps Out!

or,

A Counterclockwork Orange

by Gradient

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G


And now, a story that had to be told . . . <sigh>. I'm sorry about this, dear readers. I really, truly am . . .

Occurs the day of Episode 110-111 (the Talisman episodes).

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"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."

-Dan Quayle

U.S. Vice-President

1989-1993

"I was cured all right."

-Malcolm McDowell

A Clockwork Orange

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[ 7:31 am ]

"You know, Mimete, sometimes I get the distinct impression that you don't like me."

The other three witches of the Witches 5 at the Witches 5 pentagon breakfast table, who had been slurping their soup in eerie synchronization, stopped to hear the orange one's response.

A rather pathetic tension mounted as she prepared to speak by slowly and methodically wiping her eyeglasses clean. Oh, that squeaky, squeaky wiping sound -- a harbinger of all things ill.

Squeak. Squeak. Squeak. Squeak. Squeak. Stop that wiping you labcoated banshee! They're clean!

"Euuuuuuuudial . . ," she began, combining her most seductive voice with a less-than-perfect impersonation of Tomoe's drawl, "we all know that I love you at least if not as much and probably more than any of us loves the other. And if we don't know that, then how do we know that we know each other at all?"

The first witch gave a misted look to her ever-eloquent junior. How much more deliciously perverse can our little club get?

"And besides, if I didn't love you, would I have fixed this lovely meal for you this morning? I worked on this for hours. Why don't you thank me Eudial? Just one 'Arigato' from the redhead would put me in heaven. Nay, a level of being *above* heaven, call it 'Eudialia' if you will. Would it be so hard? You know I do it *all* for you, Eudial. You're my hero."

Okay, now she's just getting just a little too uppity for her own good. I ought to wipe that excruciatingly stupid smile off her unbearable little . . .

"Mimete," Viluy interrupted Eudial's plotting, "this soup is rather . . . different. What exactly did you put in it?"

"Oh, nothing special," she smiled to Viluy. "Just my own unique mix of herbs and spices," slowly sliding her ravenous gaze across the table to the oldest one, "and Achatina fulica."

"Eh . . .?"

"It's a species of giant African snail. I raised her, um, I guess it's not *really* a her -- hemaphroditic, you know -- by myself. Yumiko was almost nine years old and 30 centimeters long when she became . . . well, breakfast!"

"*Excuse me?*"

"Don't drool, Eudial, dear. It's unbecoming."

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Mimete Steps Out !

(or: A Counterclockwork Orange, being the story of a day in the life of a professional agent of pure otherworldly evil and her complete and utter lack of interpersonal skills.)

by

+Gradient

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[ 7:42 am ]

Mimete smiled as she cleaned the remnants of this morning's breakfast treat along with the broken pieces of several bowls and twisted spoons from the table. It was worth it; it had to be. The contorted look on Eudial's face was definitely an oh-so-sweet sight. New silverware can be bought anytime on the Witches 5 revolving credit account, but that look was priceless.

"You know, Mimete, you could have informed the rest of us of your little scheme before you actually carried it through."

Mimete turned to face the voice that had surreptitiously approached behind her. She gave her a half smile and returned to her work.

"I'm sorry, Cyprine. I really thought Eudial might like it."

"IT'S PTILOL YOU LITTLE . . . okay, okay, I'm not going to lose it because of you, I'm not going to lose it, regardless of the fact that YOU KNOW GOOD AND WELL THAT SHE'S ON ASSIGNMENT, okay, okay, I'm okay, not going to lose it, got to remember that I am just as good as my sister, I am just as good as my sister."

"Why Ptilol, do we have a little bit of an inferiority complex?"

"Listen you. I don't think you realize the gravity of this situation. We are working toward the ascension of the Death Busters' Galaxy, and you're sitting around playing sophomoric tricks. I don't need to remind you that you are not the most popular one in this group. You had better watch yourself."

"Oh, it's nice to be watched, luv, but perhaps not as fun as watching the watchers doing the watching. Now why don't you be a good witch and go scare some children or something?"

[ 8:34 am ]

Envelopes, paper clips, and floppy discs flew out of the Witches 5 office supply closet at an extraordinary rate. The person digging through the stacks of materials was not frantic, although it might have appeared as such to an outsider.

"Tacks! Tacks! Where are the tacks? Why are we always out of what we need around here?" She stormed out of the room, angry at not finding what she had sought. She marched toward one desk in particular.

"Tellu! We're out of tacks! I thought when we put you in charge of requisitions things like this wouldn't happen. You've spent that part of our budget on plant food for your twisted botanical experiments, haven't you?"

"How dare you!" she replied indignantly. "You little tart, I haven't been embezzling! The new box of tacks came in last week. It's in the garage, I just haven't had the time to move it up here yet. Go down there and get your own tacks, Mimete!"

"Hmmmph! If we weren't all so irredeemably evil, I might be offended," Mimete sobbed completely insincerely in response.

"What's so important that you needed the tacks so much anyway?"

Mimete smiled as she began her trek to the garage: "I guess you could say that I have a problem that needs . . . posting."

[ 8:45 am ]

"Hello, what's this? Why it's Eudial's car! All alone and by itself! Uh-oh, she left it unlocked. I wonder what I'm going to do? I wonder what I'm going to do."

The orange spectre descended upon the vehicle.

[ 8:49 am ]

"VROOM, VROOM! Check me out! I'm ugly Eudial! I can't drive and don't have a license and lost my insurance five years ago, but it doesn't matter cause I'm a Death Buster, although I'm not a very good one! VROOM, VROOM!"

Mimete was so enjoying her playtime in the driver's seat, violently turning the wheel and pushing buttons, that she didn't notice the shadow approaching from behind.

"VROOM, VROOM! I really should just give this piece of junk to Mimete because she needs some wheels to go pick up all of the movie and pop stars that love her. I wouldn't have any use for that because I'm so outstanding ugly and stupid. I'm so ug . . . AHHHHHHHH!"

Mimete groaned as she felt Eudial yank her from the seat and throw her against the nearest wall. She thought about something to say but realized that this might not be the most strategic moment to do so.

As she sank to the floor, Eudial stood over her and slowly lowered herself to her level. And with a truly evil hiss, she spoke her mind into her ear:

"Now you listen to me. You can put snails in my breakfast. You can make fun of my Death Busters success rate. You can even call me ugly. But there's just one thing I want to make perfectly clear:"

"NO ONE TOUCHES EUDIAL'S RIDE!"

"Not Tellu. Not Viluy. Not Cyprine or that other one. Not Kaolinite if she's still around. Not Tomoe. Not Tomoe's psycho daughter. And especially, and I do mean especially, NOT YOU!"

"Are we clear on this?"

"Sure, grandma."

"Laugh it up while you can, Mimete. As soon as I can prove you've been disrupting our mission with things like your little tack tricks, I am going to be personally present when Tomoe ejects you out the nearest daimon turret. We're going to see who's in charge of this operation when I bring in the talismans to the Professor."

"You know, Eudial, maybe if you started looking for them in cereal boxes . . ."

"Just remember what I told you, just remember. Touch the car, and even Tomoe won't be able to find you." And then, as almost an afterthought: "You really are pathetic, you know that don't you?"

She adjusted her glasses as she began laughing:

"Gyuubi to naru yori keitou to nare." Eudial's eyes merely became slits upon hearing this.

Mimete giggled as she rose to her feet and ran over to the garage's exit:

"Eudial, I was planning on giving this to you later, but I think I should now," she said lightly as she reached into her labcoat. She produced a translucent container, perhaps a third of a litre in size. Within was a dark liquid which she jiggled back and forth. The bottle was perhaps a quarter full.

"What is *that*?"

"Oh, you don't like my gift? Why, you've hurt my feelings again, Eudial. Such manners. But you'll probably want it later . . ." She placed the container back in her coat.

"Just get out. I want to be alone with my ride for a while."

"Fine, but don't say I didn't try to do anything for you." Mimete hummed an oddly butchered version of "Singin' in the Rain" as she left. "And one more thing, Eudial. For God's sake, show a little pride and clean up your car; all those post-it notes make it look like you just don't care any more. Maintenance, that's the key."

"GET OUT!"

She continued the humming upon her egress. Yeah, Witches 5 karaoke night's tonight. Twister just gets old after a while.

[ 9:32 am ]

"Hello. Witches 5, Mimete speaking."

"Ahhhh, Mimete. Goooood. I was wanting to speak to you."

Mimete straightened herself in her seat as she recognized the voice on the other end of the line. "Professor. An honor to hear from you."

"Yes. I was half-expecting Eudial to answer, but it's good that you did. I have a little job for you."

"I won't disappoint you Professor. I'm glad you came to me instead of . . . well, let's just say Eudial's been having certain, ahem . . . difficulties lately."

"Is that so?"

"Yes. Oh, Professor, I probably shouldn't be telling you this, but I just find it hard to stand by and let things like this happen."

"Eh?"

"Well, I mean it's not really her drinking problem so much; we try to overlook that. It's not even her moonlighting as an exotic dancer -- I mean she does have to figure out some way to finance those gambling trips to that casino in Bangkok. I suppose what's really getting me worried is her driving . . . did you know I had to go downtown last week to bail her out for going 180 kph in a 50 zone? I'm just afraid that she's going to hurt herself and threaten our work."

"Hmmmm. I hadn't heard of any of this. I suppose I am happy that I got you then, because the task I have for you today is particularly vital."

"Oh, I'll find the talismans before you know it!"

"No, that's not quite it, although if you can successfully complete this, you may be in line for that mission as well. I have important work for you Mimete, important work!"

She licked her lips in anticipation. "Yes, yes?"

"I am scheduled to deliver a guest lecture at Mugen Gakuen in about an hour and I want you to fill in for me."

"Uh . . ."

"Yes, with Mimete as my proxy I will finally defeat the stifling bureaucracy of that accursed place. Making daimon eggs all the time is a full-time job. Tomoe needs some sleepy time too. HBWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"But *you're* the one who runs that bureaucracy . . ."

"Ironic, is it not? HBWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH*cough*HAHAHAHA HAHAHAHA!"

Mimete suddenly fell back to earth from whatever demented cloud she was resting upon. Obviously disappointed, she continued: "Yeah, sure. Whatever. I'll do it. Where's it supposed to be held?"

[ 10:45 am ]

"I'm sorry Tomoe-sensei could not make it today. I am his trusted advisor, Mimete, and have come in his place to deliver his lecture on, let's see . . ." she shuffled the papers that she had found in Tomoe's desk. "Synthetic zona pellu--, pellu--, pellucida in human cloning. All right then, let's begin."

[ 10:45:37 am ]

" . . . which is why the Mimete who stands before you today is nothing more than A VICTIM OF THE MODERN AGE!"

"Are there any questions?"

The lecture room was completely silent. It was only forty seconds of their lives she had wasted, but somehow it seemed like each moment had been removed surgically, in some sort of torture reminiscent of a Hieronymus Bosch painting. *That's* the kind of silence it was.

"Surely there must be at least one. I admit, I didn't talk too long on the subject, for it would have been altogether too stimulating, especially since this is a holiday. You there, young man, in the back, what did you think of the lecture?"

The person in question straightened from an annoyed position of sarcastic commentary that had been delivered to the girl in the adjacent seat.

"It was . . . a unique viewpoint."

"Ah, you see things well, cutie. Your name?"

"Tenou. Tenou Haruka."

"And your girlfriend there, is she now equally enlightened on the intricacies of human cloning?"

"I think I just became aware of one large reason why it should never be attempted," the green-haired girl beside said with a totally straight face. Her companion had to cover her mouth to conceal the slight laughing that her sharp-tongued "girlfriend" had provoked.

"Yes, well, I'm sure you enjoyed my company, but if you'll excuse me, I have a little business to attend to," she said lightly as she stroked the large pile of cardboard beside her. "Yes, a little business. Dismissed."

The class cleared in record time. After things quietened down a bit, only two students remained, one of them intently rubbing her brow:

"Would you *please* tell me again why we do this?"

"Perseverance, Haruka. Perseverance."

[ 1:14 pm ]

"I'm wasting my talents here. Look at my artistic ability. It's exquisite. Mimete the artiste," she complimented herself as she painted the lines on the cardboard. Again, she did not hear the figure approaching from behind.

"Don't oversell yourself, imbecile. That looks like some sort of kindergarten project to me."

Mimete refused to turn this time, and continued her work: "Jealousy doesn't become you, Eudial. You should be watching and taking notes rather than trying to boost your own fragile ego."

"Taking notes?" Eudial laughed. "All you've done is painted a big black "4" on a piece of cardboard. Am I supposed to be impressed with that?"

"You would be if you knew my plans for it. I know of at least one part of this complex that needs redecorating."

A finger shot up almost instinctively: "Just remember what I said about my ride, Mimete. Just remember." Eudial turned to leave.

"Yeah, right. Oh, and Eudial?" Mimete reached into her labcoat and brought out the container from before. The liquid within now reached to almost the halfway point. She still had not turned, but held the bottle to her side to that Eudial could see it.

"What *is* that?" Eudial screamed.

"The stuff that dreams are made of."

"Just remember, Mimete," she warned as she left the room.

"Oh, Euuuudial . . ." Mimete called to the witch's back. "What does a snail say when he rides a turtle?"

Eudial froze at the doorway, seething in a palpable anger.

"Wheeeee!" Mimete ripped a piece of cardboard slowly as she delivered the joke's punchline.

Mimete smirked as Eudial exited, hands clenched. "Well, should I go ahead and put this on the door now, or should I wait a little while? It really will look good. Ah, choices, choices. The life of a Witches 5, er, 4, member is so thankless."

[ 2:35 pm ]

"Bored, bored, bored. This has to be the most boringestly boring part of the day. What to do, what to do?"

She flipped through several of the folders on her desk, casually stopping at a few, and then throwing the entire stack down:

"Why does being evil take so much paperwork?!? This wasn't what I signed up for. I should have listened to mother. She always said, 'Mimete, remember, if you're going to sign up to be a witch in a legion of fiends trying to destroy the world, you'll never be free of the paperwork,' but did I listen to her? Nooooo. I've got to do something! This is starting to wear on my oh-so-delicate psyche."

She stared at her computer screen, now in screen saver mode, for a couple of minutes. And then it hit her: "That's it!" She reached for the mouse and opened her Witches 5 word processing program.

[ 3:10 pm ]

Mimete sat, intently typing away at the keyboard. And as several times earlier, she did not detect the outline hovering over her shoulder.

"Now I didn't expect *this*." Mimete jumped upon hearing Eudial's voice.

"What are you doing spying on me? How long have you been here?" Mimete scornfully looked upward.

"Long enough. Why Mimete, I didn't think you had it in you. Why didn't you share this drivel with the rest of us?" Mimete ground her teeth, resisting the urge to respond as the redhead laughed with spite.

"Would you mind if I had a look? Let's see . . ." She cleared her throat before beginning to read from the computer screen:

 

"Akane and Shampoo knew that Ranma was

a bold youth, bold with a passion that

only the divine Orange-Haired Angel could

fill, for today, and all eternity . . ."

 

"What *is* this? Wait! This is based on one of those manga you read or shows you watch, isn't it?" she burst into realization. Mimete simply averted her eyes.

"What delightful rubbish!" Eudial squealed. "I hope you're not planning on posting that tripe anywhere. This is laughable. Especially this little self-insertion fantasy of yours. It's hard to make Cyprine laugh, but when I bring this up at the next meeting, she'll lose it for sure. I'll say it again, Mimete, *you are pathetic.*"

Mimete began to remove the container from her jacket when Eudial turned around and began to walk away. "That's right, Mimete. Don't bother bringing your little liquid play toy out again. I frankly don't care anymore. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a strong lead on the talismans. Perhaps I'll let you see them when I bring them in tonight. I'll leave you with your electronic boyfriend now. Unlike your other bishounen prettyboy crushes, you might be able to hold onto this one." Eudial's sarcastic laughing faded as she sauntered into the hall.

All right, that's it. Eudial Rubiconem transit. You can only squeeze an orange so far.

[ 4:58 pm ]

Mimete watched as Eudial's car shot out of the compound. Hmmm, she thinks she knows something, Mimete thought. Too bad she doesn't know what she needs to.

It's tough being the youngest. Everybody makes fun of you and no one takes you seriously. But there is one advantage to that: no one takes you seriously. Their loss.

I've heard that initiative comes to thems who wait, but I think I've waited just a little too sillillily long.

She looked down to her hands, now cradling a container of liquid that was nearly full. She shook it for a moment like a baby and slowly raised it to her face. She carefully removed the lid and wafted a bit of the fumes toward her nose.

"Ah, the gentle aroma of brake fluid. Is there no sweeter ambrosia? Goodbye snail lady, and if this doesn't get you, I have a feeling that the casing itself is about to experience a unique case of metal fatigue. Too bad you didn't practice better maintenance. It's the key, you know. Even Tellu can figure that one out. This sweet fragrance shall serve as an everlasting monument of your passing, as it catches the wind and harkens your belated end to the world."

"Yes, goodbye snail lady. You won't be missed. For now, I believe, is the time to celebrate; tonight, Mimete steps out, and the world will never be the same. It's time to finally have some fun. Life wasted on the living? I think not, although I predict you might have a differing opinion soon. Farewell and adieu snail lady."

"Oh, and Eudial?"

"Atatte kudakero, baka."

- - - - x - - - -

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Author's Notes:

Sailor Moon and associated characters are the intellectual property of Takeuchi Naoko and/or Toei, DiC, Bandai, Kodansha and a host of other ethereal corporate entities.

I also apologize to Mr. Burgess, Mr. Kubrick and Warner Brothers for certain . . . allusions. Consider it my homage.

I normally don't use Japanese in the stories, but two phrases in particular I thought would be appropriate are included:

"Gyuubi to naru yori keitou to nare" - sometimes translated as "rather than be a cow-tail, better to be a chicken-head," which an American would understand as "better to be a big fish in a small pond than a small fish in a big pond."

"Atatte kudakero" - colloquially this can be best understood to mean "go for it," although the literal translation is "go crash and smash into pieces." Thus, we have a double entendre by Mimete, although I would guess that she was implying the less altruistic version. And "baka" is, of course, "fool" or "idiot."

"Eudial Rubiconem transit." - (Latin) Eudial crosses the Rubicon. A reference to the point of no return.

I decided to use Doi's spelling of the names simply because I liked them better.

I'd been waiting on something starring the Orange-Haired Angel, but since all those fanfics focus on those darned Senshi for some reason, I decided to finally write one myself. Plus, I believe this story might also hold the record for the shortest piece of Ranma fanfiction ever, although this technically might only be considered a crossover. Yeah, right.

All comments, questions, anecdotes, stock tips, can be sent to:

gradient@thedoghousemail.com

or visit my homepage to see my theory about Sailor Moon:

http://members.tripod.com/gradient

Thank you for your time.

"Mimete Steps Out! (or: A Counterclockwork Orange)"

+Gradient August 1998

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"All you women have ever done is, what? Some French chick invented kryptonite, or something."

Bill Maher

"Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death"

 

"Crime crazy girl gangs, lusting, lying, living only for thrills!"

Ad line for the 1958 B-Movie "Girls on the Loose"

(Witches 5 Unofficial Motto)

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