And now, a story that had to be told . . . <sigh>. I'm
sorry about this, dear readers. I really, truly am . . .
Occurs the day of Episode 110-111 (the Talisman episodes).
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind
is being very wasteful. How true that is."
"I was cured all right."
[ 7:31 am ]
"You know, Mimete, sometimes I get the distinct impression
that you don't like me."
The other three witches of the Witches 5 at the Witches 5
pentagon breakfast table, who had been slurping their soup in eerie
synchronization, stopped to hear the orange one's response.
A rather pathetic tension mounted as she prepared to speak
by slowly and methodically wiping her eyeglasses clean. Oh, that
squeaky, squeaky wiping sound -- a harbinger of all things ill.
Squeak. Squeak. Squeak. Squeak. Squeak. Stop that
wiping you labcoated banshee! They're clean!
"Euuuuuuuudial . . ," she began, combining her most
seductive voice with a less-than-perfect impersonation of Tomoe's
drawl, "we all know that I love you at least if not as much and
probably more than any of us loves the other. And if we don't know
that, then how do we know that we know each other at all?"
The first witch gave a misted look to her ever-eloquent
junior. How much more deliciously perverse can our little club get?
"And besides, if I didn't love you, would I have fixed this
lovely meal for you this morning? I worked on this for hours. Why
don't you thank me Eudial? Just one 'Arigato' from the redhead would
put me in heaven. Nay, a level of being *above* heaven, call it
'Eudialia' if you will. Would it be so hard? You know I do it *all*
for you, Eudial. You're my hero."
Okay, now she's just getting just a little too uppity for
her own good. I ought to wipe that excruciatingly stupid smile off
her unbearable little . . .
"Mimete," Viluy interrupted Eudial's plotting, "this soup
is rather . . . different. What exactly did you put in it?"
"Oh, nothing special," she smiled to Viluy. "Just my own
unique mix of herbs and spices," slowly sliding her ravenous gaze
across the table to the oldest one, "and Achatina fulica."
"Eh . . .?"
"It's a species of giant African snail. I raised her, um,
I guess it's not *really* a her -- hemaphroditic, you know -- by
myself. Yumiko was almost nine years old and 30 centimeters long
when she became . . . well, breakfast!"
"Don't drool, Eudial, dear. It's unbecoming."
Mimete Steps Out !
(or: A Counterclockwork Orange, being the story of a day in the
life of a professional agent of pure otherworldly evil and her
complete and utter lack of interpersonal skills.)
[ 7:42 am ]
Mimete smiled as she cleaned the remnants of this morning's
breakfast treat along with the broken pieces of several bowls and
twisted spoons from the table. It was worth it; it had to be. The
contorted look on Eudial's face was definitely an oh-so-sweet sight.
New silverware can be bought anytime on the Witches 5 revolving
credit account, but that look was priceless.
"You know, Mimete, you could have informed the rest of us
of your little scheme before you actually carried it through."
Mimete turned to face the voice that had surreptitiously
approached behind her. She gave her a half smile and returned to her
"I'm sorry, Cyprine. I really thought Eudial might like
"IT'S PTILOL YOU LITTLE . . . okay, okay, I'm not going to
lose it because of you, I'm not going to lose it, regardless of the
fact that YOU KNOW GOOD AND WELL THAT SHE'S ON ASSIGNMENT, okay,
okay, I'm okay, not going to lose it, got to remember that I am just
as good as my sister, I am just as good as my sister."
"Why Ptilol, do we have a little bit of an inferiority
"Listen you. I don't think you realize the gravity of this
situation. We are working toward the ascension of the Death Busters'
Galaxy, and you're sitting around playing sophomoric tricks. I don't
need to remind you that you are not the most popular one in this
group. You had better watch yourself."
"Oh, it's nice to be watched, luv, but perhaps not as fun
as watching the watchers doing the watching. Now why don't you be a
good witch and go scare some children or something?"
[ 8:34 am ]
Envelopes, paper clips, and floppy discs flew out of the
Witches 5 office supply closet at an extraordinary rate. The person
digging through the stacks of materials was not frantic, although it
might have appeared as such to an outsider.
"Tacks! Tacks! Where are the tacks? Why are we always
out of what we need around here?" She stormed out of the room, angry
at not finding what she had sought. She marched toward one desk in
"Tellu! We're out of tacks! I thought when we put you in
charge of requisitions things like this wouldn't happen. You've
spent that part of our budget on plant food for your twisted
botanical experiments, haven't you?"
"How dare you!" she replied indignantly. "You little tart,
I haven't been embezzling! The new box of tacks came in last week.
It's in the garage, I just haven't had the time to move it up here
yet. Go down there and get your own tacks, Mimete!"
"Hmmmph! If we weren't all so irredeemably evil, I might
be offended," Mimete sobbed completely insincerely in response.
"What's so important that you needed the tacks so much
Mimete smiled as she began her trek to the garage: "I
guess you could say that I have a problem that needs . . .
[ 8:45 am ]
"Hello, what's this? Why it's Eudial's car! All alone and
by itself! Uh-oh, she left it unlocked. I wonder what I'm going to
do? I wonder what I'm going to do."
The orange spectre descended upon the vehicle.
[ 8:49 am ]
"VROOM, VROOM! Check me out! I'm ugly Eudial! I can't
drive and don't have a license and lost my insurance five years ago,
but it doesn't matter cause I'm a Death Buster, although I'm not a
very good one! VROOM, VROOM!"
Mimete was so enjoying her playtime in the driver's seat,
violently turning the wheel and pushing buttons, that she didn't
notice the shadow approaching from behind.
"VROOM, VROOM! I really should just give this piece of
junk to Mimete because she needs some wheels to go pick up all of the
movie and pop stars that love her. I wouldn't have any use for that
because I'm so outstanding ugly and stupid. I'm so ug . . .
Mimete groaned as she felt Eudial yank her from the seat
and throw her against the nearest wall. She thought about something
to say but realized that this might not be the most strategic moment
to do so.
As she sank to the floor, Eudial stood over her and slowly
lowered herself to her level. And with a truly evil hiss, she spoke
her mind into her ear:
"Now you listen to me. You can put snails in my breakfast.
You can make fun of my Death Busters success rate. You can even
call me ugly. But there's just one thing I want to make perfectly
"NO ONE TOUCHES EUDIAL'S RIDE!"
"Not Tellu. Not Viluy. Not Cyprine or that other one.
Not Kaolinite if she's still around. Not Tomoe. Not Tomoe's psycho
daughter. And especially, and I do mean especially, NOT YOU!"
"Are we clear on this?"
"Laugh it up while you can, Mimete. As soon as I can prove
you've been disrupting our mission with things like your little tack
tricks, I am going to be personally present when Tomoe ejects you out
the nearest daimon turret. We're going to see who's in charge of
this operation when I bring in the talismans to the Professor."
"You know, Eudial, maybe if you started looking for them in
cereal boxes . . ."
"Just remember what I told you, just remember. Touch the
car, and even Tomoe won't be able to find you." And then, as almost
an afterthought: "You really are pathetic, you know that don't
She adjusted her glasses as she began laughing:
"Gyuubi to naru yori keitou to nare." Eudial's eyes merely
became slits upon hearing this.
Mimete giggled as she rose to her feet and ran over to the
"Eudial, I was planning on giving this to you later, but I
think I should now," she said lightly as she reached into her
labcoat. She produced a translucent container, perhaps a third of a
litre in size. Within was a dark liquid which she jiggled back and
forth. The bottle was perhaps a quarter full.
"What is *that*?"
"Oh, you don't like my gift? Why, you've hurt my feelings
again, Eudial. Such manners. But you'll probably want it later . .
." She placed the container back in her coat.
"Just get out. I want to be alone with my ride for a
"Fine, but don't say I didn't try to do anything for you."
Mimete hummed an oddly butchered version of "Singin' in the Rain" as
she left. "And one more thing, Eudial. For God's sake, show a
little pride and clean up your car; all those post-it notes make it
look like you just don't care any more. Maintenance, that's the
She continued the humming upon her egress. Yeah, Witches 5
karaoke night's tonight. Twister just gets old after a while.
[ 9:32 am ]
"Hello. Witches 5, Mimete speaking."
"Ahhhh, Mimete. Goooood. I was wanting to speak to
Mimete straightened herself in her seat as she recognized
the voice on the other end of the line. "Professor. An honor to
hear from you."
"Yes. I was half-expecting Eudial to answer, but it's good
that you did. I have a little job for you."
"I won't disappoint you Professor. I'm glad you came to me
instead of . . . well, let's just say Eudial's been having certain,
ahem . . . difficulties lately."
"Is that so?"
"Yes. Oh, Professor, I probably shouldn't be telling you
this, but I just find it hard to stand by and let things like this
"Well, I mean it's not really her drinking problem so much;
we try to overlook that. It's not even her moonlighting as an exotic
dancer -- I mean she does have to figure out some way to finance
those gambling trips to that casino in Bangkok. I suppose what's
really getting me worried is her driving . . . did you know I had to
go downtown last week to bail her out for going 180 kph in a 50 zone?
I'm just afraid that she's going to hurt herself and threaten our
"Hmmmm. I hadn't heard of any of this. I suppose I am
happy that I got you then, because the task I have for you today is
"Oh, I'll find the talismans before you know it!"
"No, that's not quite it, although if you can successfully
complete this, you may be in line for that mission as well. I have
important work for you Mimete, important work!"
She licked her lips in anticipation. "Yes, yes?"
"I am scheduled to deliver a guest lecture at Mugen Gakuen
in about an hour and I want you to fill in for me."
"Uh . . ."
"Yes, with Mimete as my proxy I will finally defeat the
stifling bureaucracy of that accursed place. Making daimon eggs all
the time is a full-time job. Tomoe needs some sleepy time too.
"But *you're* the one who runs that bureaucracy . . ."
"Ironic, is it not?
Mimete suddenly fell back to earth from whatever demented
cloud she was resting upon. Obviously disappointed, she continued:
"Yeah, sure. Whatever. I'll do it. Where's it supposed to be
[ 10:45 am ]
"I'm sorry Tomoe-sensei could not make it today. I am his
trusted advisor, Mimete, and have come in his place to deliver his
lecture on, let's see . . ." she shuffled the papers that she had
found in Tomoe's desk. "Synthetic zona pellu--, pellu--, pellucida
in human cloning. All right then, let's begin."
[ 10:45:37 am ]
" . . . which is why the Mimete who stands before you today
is nothing more than A VICTIM OF THE MODERN AGE!"
"Are there any questions?"
The lecture room was completely silent. It was only forty
seconds of their lives she had wasted, but somehow it seemed like
each moment had been removed surgically, in some sort of torture
reminiscent of a Hieronymus Bosch painting. *That's* the kind of
silence it was.
"Surely there must be at least one. I admit, I didn't talk
too long on the subject, for it would have been altogether too
stimulating, especially since this is a holiday. You there, young
man, in the back, what did you think of the lecture?"
The person in question straightened from an annoyed
position of sarcastic commentary that had been delivered to the girl
in the adjacent seat.
"It was . . . a unique viewpoint."
"Ah, you see things well, cutie. Your name?"
"Tenou. Tenou Haruka."
"And your girlfriend there, is she now equally enlightened
on the intricacies of human cloning?"
"I think I just became aware of one large reason why it
should never be attempted," the green-haired girl beside said with a
totally straight face. Her companion had to cover her mouth to
conceal the slight laughing that her sharp-tongued "girlfriend" had
"Yes, well, I'm sure you enjoyed my company, but if you'll
excuse me, I have a little business to attend to," she said lightly
as she stroked the large pile of cardboard beside her. "Yes, a
little business. Dismissed."
The class cleared in record time. After things quietened
down a bit, only two students remained, one of them intently rubbing
"Would you *please* tell me again why we do this?"
"Perseverance, Haruka. Perseverance."
[ 1:14 pm ]
"I'm wasting my talents here. Look at my artistic ability.
It's exquisite. Mimete the artiste," she complimented herself as
she painted the lines on the cardboard. Again, she did not hear the
figure approaching from behind.
"Don't oversell yourself, imbecile. That looks like some
sort of kindergarten project to me."
Mimete refused to turn this time, and continued her work:
"Jealousy doesn't become you, Eudial. You should be watching and
taking notes rather than trying to boost your own fragile ego."
"Taking notes?" Eudial laughed. "All you've done is
painted a big black "4" on a piece of cardboard. Am I supposed to be
impressed with that?"
"You would be if you knew my plans for it. I know of at
least one part of this complex that needs redecorating."
A finger shot up almost instinctively: "Just remember what
I said about my ride, Mimete. Just remember." Eudial turned to
"Yeah, right. Oh, and Eudial?" Mimete reached into her
labcoat and brought out the container from before. The liquid within
now reached to almost the halfway point. She still had not turned,
but held the bottle to her side to that Eudial could see it.
"What *is* that?" Eudial screamed.
"The stuff that dreams are made of."
"Just remember, Mimete," she warned as she left the
"Oh, Euuuudial . . ." Mimete called to the witch's back.
"What does a snail say when he rides a turtle?"
Eudial froze at the doorway, seething in a palpable
"Wheeeee!" Mimete ripped a piece of cardboard slowly as
she delivered the joke's punchline.
Mimete smirked as Eudial exited, hands clenched. "Well,
should I go ahead and put this on the door now, or should I wait a
little while? It really will look good. Ah, choices, choices. The
life of a Witches 5, er, 4, member is so thankless."
[ 2:35 pm ]
"Bored, bored, bored. This has to be the most boringestly
boring part of the day. What to do, what to do?"
She flipped through several of the folders on her desk,
casually stopping at a few, and then throwing the entire stack
"Why does being evil take so much paperwork?!? This wasn't
what I signed up for. I should have listened to mother. She always
said, 'Mimete, remember, if you're going to sign up to be a witch in
a legion of fiends trying to destroy the world, you'll never be free
of the paperwork,' but did I listen to her? Nooooo. I've got to do
something! This is starting to wear on my oh-so-delicate psyche."
She stared at her computer screen, now in screen saver
mode, for a couple of minutes. And then it hit her: "That's it!"
She reached for the mouse and opened her Witches 5 word processing
[ 3:10 pm ]
Mimete sat, intently typing away at the keyboard. And as
several times earlier, she did not detect the outline hovering over
"Now I didn't expect *this*." Mimete jumped upon hearing
"What are you doing spying on me? How long have you been
here?" Mimete scornfully looked upward.
"Long enough. Why Mimete, I didn't think you had it in
you. Why didn't you share this drivel with the rest of us?" Mimete
ground her teeth, resisting the urge to respond as the redhead
laughed with spite.
"Would you mind if I had a look? Let's see . . ." She
cleared her throat before beginning to read from the computer
"Akane and Shampoo knew that Ranma was
a bold youth, bold with a passion that
only the divine Orange-Haired Angel could
fill, for today, and all eternity . . ."
"What *is* this? Wait! This is based on one of those
manga you read or shows you watch, isn't it?" she burst into
realization. Mimete simply averted her eyes.
"What delightful rubbish!" Eudial squealed. "I hope you're
not planning on posting that tripe anywhere. This is laughable.
Especially this little self-insertion fantasy of yours. It's hard to
make Cyprine laugh, but when I bring this up at the next meeting,
she'll lose it for sure. I'll say it again, Mimete, *you are
Mimete began to remove the container from her jacket when
Eudial turned around and began to walk away. "That's right, Mimete.
Don't bother bringing your little liquid play toy out again. I
frankly don't care anymore. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a
strong lead on the talismans. Perhaps I'll let you see them when I
bring them in tonight. I'll leave you with your electronic boyfriend
now. Unlike your other bishounen prettyboy crushes, you might be
able to hold onto this one." Eudial's sarcastic laughing faded as she
sauntered into the hall.
All right, that's it. Eudial Rubiconem transit. You can
only squeeze an orange so far.
[ 4:58 pm ]
Mimete watched as Eudial's car shot out of the compound.
Hmmm, she thinks she knows something, Mimete thought. Too bad she
doesn't know what she needs to.
It's tough being the youngest. Everybody makes fun of you
and no one takes you seriously. But there is one advantage to that:
no one takes you seriously. Their loss.
I've heard that initiative comes to thems who wait, but I
think I've waited just a little too sillillily long.
She looked down to her hands, now cradling a container of
liquid that was nearly full. She shook it for a moment like a baby
and slowly raised it to her face. She carefully removed the lid and
wafted a bit of the fumes toward her nose.
"Ah, the gentle aroma of brake fluid. Is there no sweeter
ambrosia? Goodbye snail lady, and if this doesn't get you, I have a
feeling that the casing itself is about to experience a unique case
of metal fatigue. Too bad you didn't practice better maintenance.
It's the key, you know. Even Tellu can figure that one out. This
sweet fragrance shall serve as an everlasting monument of your
passing, as it catches the wind and harkens your belated end to the
"Yes, goodbye snail lady. You won't be missed. For now, I
believe, is the time to celebrate; tonight, Mimete steps out, and the
world will never be the same. It's time to finally have some fun.
Life wasted on the living? I think not, although I predict you might
have a differing opinion soon. Farewell and adieu snail lady."
"Oh, and Eudial?"
"Atatte kudakero, baka."
- - - - x - - - -
Sailor Moon and associated characters are the intellectual
property of Takeuchi Naoko and/or Toei, DiC, Bandai, Kodansha and a
host of other ethereal corporate entities.
I also apologize to Mr. Burgess, Mr. Kubrick and Warner Brothers
for certain . . . allusions. Consider it my homage.
I normally don't use Japanese in the stories, but two phrases in
particular I thought would be appropriate are included:
"Gyuubi to naru yori keitou to nare" - sometimes translated as
"rather than be a cow-tail, better to be a chicken-head," which an
American would understand as "better to be a big fish in a small pond
than a small fish in a big pond."
"Atatte kudakero" - colloquially this can be best understood to
mean "go for it," although the literal translation is "go crash and
smash into pieces." Thus, we have a double entendre by Mimete,
although I would guess that she was implying the less altruistic
version. And "baka" is, of course, "fool" or "idiot."
"Eudial Rubiconem transit." - (Latin) Eudial crosses the Rubicon.
A reference to the point of no return.
I decided to use Doi's spelling of the names simply because I
liked them better.
I'd been waiting on something starring the Orange-Haired Angel,
but since all those fanfics focus on those darned Senshi for some
reason, I decided to finally write one myself. Plus, I believe this
story might also hold the record for the shortest piece of Ranma
fanfiction ever, although this technically might only be considered a
crossover. Yeah, right.
All comments, questions, anecdotes, stock tips, can be sent
or visit my homepage to see my theory about Sailor Moon:
Thank you for your time.
"Mimete Steps Out! (or: A Counterclockwork Orange)"
+Gradient August 1998
"All you women have ever done is, what? Some French chick
invented kryptonite, or something."
"Cannibal Women in the
Avocado Jungle of Death"
"Crime crazy girl gangs, lusting, lying, living only for thrills!"
Ad line for the 1958 B-Movie
"Girls on the Loose"
(Witches 5 Unofficial
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