A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta
send help! My wife's going into labor!" The nurse says,
"Calm down. Is this her first child?" He says, "No!
This is her husband!"
--------------------------------
You know how to make holy water? You take some regular water and
you boil the hell out of it.
--------------------------------
Two guys are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing
them. They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree
after them. The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack
and starts putting them on. The second guy says, "What are
you doing? He says, "I figure when the bear gets close to us,
we'll jump down and make a run for it." The second guy says,
"Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear." The first guy
says, "I don't have to outrun the *bear*... I only have to
outrun *you.*"
--------------------------------
Airhead Airlines, Flight 101, is coming in for a landing, and the
pilot is freaking out. The sweat is jumping off his brow. (Planelanding
and screeching to a halt.) RRRtttt! He turns to the co-pilot, and
he says, "Man, that is the *shortest* runway I ever landed
on." The co-pilot says, "Yeah, and so *wide*."
--------------------------------
Did you hear about the idiot who walked around the world? He
drowned.
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A little kid's in school, taking a true-false test and he's
flipping a coin. At the end of the test he's flipping the coin
again. The teacher says, "What are you doing?" He says,
"Checking my answers."
--------------------------------
A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that
was likely to stretch over several months. He approached the
owner of the property and held up the check he'd been given.
"This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on,"
he said.
"I know," the owner said, "But last week I
overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained."
The contractor said, "Well, I don't mind an occasional
mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it
to your attention."
--------------------------------
So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like
a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes
straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns
him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is
driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the
throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!"
But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks
the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird
and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out,
the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make
a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the
freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The
bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets *very*
quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think
that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence,
he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says,
"Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best
to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that
has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way,
what did the chicken do?"