Jumper

by: Lauren

February 1999

Duo stood on near the edge of the roof of the boarding school he and Heero were currently enrolled in. He held his cross in his hand, fingers brushing along its surface in a soft caress. His lips were turned down in his contemplation, eyes dark with worry and fear.

" Forgive me father for I have sinned," his mind went threw the ritual of confession, only this wasn't a confession to a priest, but to the sky above and whatever Gods it may hold.

" I killed them father. I killed your people. I'm the reason Father Maxwell and Sister Helen died. It was my carelessness that got them killed."

Images of the Maxwell Church massacre flashed through his mind. The smell of blood, death, decay, smoke, and ashes all filled his mind and clogged his breathing.

" I've destroyed families. I know I'm supposed to be fighting for peace, but how can killing people solve anything?"

He saw himself in Shinigami, swinging his scythe and destroying three mobile suits at once. He laughed as he heard the terrified screams of the other pilots as their machines exploded.

And forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors.

" Father, I am lost. I'm death. If killing for peace isn't evil, loving another boy certainly is."

And lead us not into temptation.

" Duo…" a voice called to him in its soft flat tone.

I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend

Duo turned and looked at the quiet boy that interrupted his thoughts.

" What do you want?"

" Come inside. It's getting cold."

Duo laughed, a sound bordering on hysteria, " It's cold he says, come inside he says. Heero, go away."

Heero's blue eyes darkened in concern and annoyance, " No. Come inside. You're not yourself."

You could cut ties with all the lies that you've been living in

" I'm not myself? How do you know anything about who I am? Who says this isn't my normal self? How dare you judge me!"

" Duo…"

" You think you're the perfect soldier! Well, I see through your mask, even if you can't see through mine! I'm sick of this!"

" Sick of what?" Heero asked, by now thoroughly confused by his roommate.

" I'm sick of all of this…" Duo whispered as his eyes began to gloss over with unshed tears. " I'm tired of killing. I'm tired of pretending to be happy. I'm tired of being alive. Maybe you had the right idea all along. Killing yourself is much easier than living with the pain."

" Duo. Killing yourself is not the answer. It won't end the pain."

" Ha! Like hell it's not! And what would you know about pain, mister perfect soldier! You've never felt anything!" He screamed, tears streaming down his cheeks.

" I feel things. I just deal with them."

" OOP… great way to deal with things! Shut everyone out and become a machine! No thank you, but I rather prefer death to being a machine. I like people, and I need them around me."

" You've got people around you. I'm right here. There are lots of people in our classes."

" That's not enough! I want friends! And who would understand a friend that says, 'I'm sorry, but I can't play today; I've gotta go blow up an OZ base! Oh, and by the way, sorry that I've gotta kill your DAD!'" Duo screamed.

" I'm here."

" Oh great. Now I don't have to worry about killing myself, you'll do it for me!"

" Duo…"

" Just leave, Heero! You're not wanted here!"

And if you do not want to see me again I would understand

" I can't leave you until I know that you're going to be okay."

" I'll never be okay."

" Then I'll never leave you," Heero smiled slightly at the shocked look on Duo's face.

" What if I want you to leave."

" As soon as I know you're not going to kill yourself. I will if that's what you want."

I would understand

Duo lost himself in thought again, while Heero stood there watching him. Heero's own mind was racing to assimilate this change in Duo's personality.

" He's not really happy. He just pretends to be. He's upset. He doesn't like killing. He's angry at the world, at himself, at his God."

The angry boy a bit too insane

" Forgive me father for I have sinned… I want to believe in Heero, I do want to live, but I don't want to live with the pain. Tell me how to deal with it? How can anyone live like this? I hurt Father…"

Silent tears slid down Duo's face. He was a monster. Did he deserve to die? Maybe living in pain was his punishment.

Icing over a secret pain

" Heero…"

Heero looked up at Duo, eyes wide and expectant, " Yes?"

" How do you deal with the pain?"

" Forget that who you're killing is a person. They're machines, the people aren't people, but just the enemy. Find something that keeps you from really thinking about it."

" How can you not EVER think about it? What about the people you kill whom aren't faceless? What about those you know…"

Heero saw the little girl on the hill with her puppy. Her big blue eyes looked up at him and she asked, 'Are you lost niisan?'

' I've been lost all my life.'

He looked at his hands and saw her blood on them.

" You don't ever deal with those. You realize you made a mistake, and you live with the pain of it."

" Oh! That's really comforting!"

" It's the only way. Duo, you're a good pilot, don't throw it away."

" You know you don't really want me around! Wufei would love to see me dead, Quatre's too nice to admit how weird he thinks I am, and Trowa couldn't give a damn about anything! You threaten to KILL ME on a daily basis! I don't think anyone will mind me being gone! Hell, I doubt anyone would have noticed I was missing!"

You know you don't belong

You're the first to fight

You're way too loud

" Duo, just because you see yourself as death doesn't mean you should die."

" I am death! I kill everything I love! I bring death with me everywhere I go! I mean, even you tried to kill yourself the first time we met! With a track record like mine, I'd be better of being dead. I'm just a jinx to everyone else!"

You're the flash of light on a burial shroud

I know something's wrong

" Duo, everyone of us has the same problems. Come on inside and we'll talk about it. I'll listen. I'll even talk back."

" Oh! The great Heero Yuy is going to speak to me! The war machine is going to give death advice on how to be more human! What a joke."

" Duo, even I've had pain in my life. We all have our secrets. You've just got to learn to leave the past in the past and focus on today."

" Wow, aren't you in the philosophical mood! Move over Freud, here comes Yuy!"

" If it helps, make all the sarcastic comments you want, just come inside."

Well everyone I know has got a reason

To say put the past away

I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend

Duo walked over to stand face to face toe to toe with Heero.

" You wanna talk. Fine. We talk, but we do it here."

" Duo, it's okay to be angry, but you've got to get past it. We have to fight. If not us, who?"

" Is this the real Heero talking, or the perfect soldier?"

" Are you the real Duo, or just a clown?"

Duo smiled, " Sa, I see. So we'll both be ourselves for a bit."

You could cut ties with all the lies that you've been living in

And if you do not want to see me again I would understand

I would understand

" Why are you fighting? What are we fighting for?" Duo asked Heero in a small voice.

" We're here to bring peace. I'm fighting to make peace for the future. I'm redeeming myself. I'm saving others because I killed that little girl and her dog," Heero delivered his answer in a monotone voice.

" You killed a little girl?" Duo asked stunned.

" I destroyed an OZ base. It was my first assignment. One of the mobile suits crashed into the housing development near by. It exploded."

" Heero…" Duo said with sympathy in his voice.

" I saw her playing the day before. She asked me if I was lost."

' I've been lost all my life.'

" We're all lost. Lost in this war torn world, childhood stripped away, humanity forsaken to become soldiers," Duo reflected.

Well he's on the table and he's gone to code

And I do not think anyone knows

What they're doing here

" What about you?"

" I'm a war orphan. Solo was my first and only real friend. Father Maxwell and Sister Helen, they took care of us. I didn't really believe much of that God crap, I'd only seen the God of death at work, no forgiving and kind God of light. I broke into a Federation base, stole a mobile suit. I can back to find the church was a pile of rubble. Father Maxwell, Sister Helen, Solo, all the orphans were dead. The Federation destroyed the church. I'm sure they were hoping to kill me."

' In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.'

" I'm all alone now. Duo doesn't really fit me anymore."

And your friends have left you

You've been dismissed

I never thought it would come to this

" You're not alone. I'm here. We're partners."

" We're partners in death. We kill. We're not human. No one human could kill as many as we do."

" Maybe between the two of us, we can find away to live. I'll be your friend."

" Sure, and everything will be okay."

" No, I mean it. Today, we'll put the past behind us, and we'll build the future."

' Are you lost niisan? I've been lost all my life.'

' And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever, Amen.'

And I, I want you to know

Everyone's got to face down the demons

Maybe today

You could put the past away

Duo smiled and took Heero's hand and pulled him up from where he'd been sitting.

" Let's go inside and talk. It's warmer in there."

Heero smiled, " I'd like that."

I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend

You could cut ties with all the lies that you've been living in

And if you do not want to see me again I would understand

Duo giggled, " And by the way, while we're being honest, Heero…"

" Yeah?"

" Has anyone ever told you what nice butt you have?"

Heero snorted and lightly punched Duo's shoulder.

" What??"

I would understand…