The Cross We Must Bear
~by Hotaru/Amber~
Monolouge - Shouzo
I stand here, looking at the freshly-cut grey stone before me. Part of me feels like I've failed... part of me feels something else. It's not just that there was nothing I could do... it's as if Magdaria-sama was still here, holding me once again, whispering to me that everything is okay.
Sanosuke's standing to my side - I turn and glance at him. The ex-yakuza (although I can hardly believe him to be that... he seems more like a street-brawler than a gangster, and his schemes tend to be restricted to periodic surprise tactics in a fight) has a sad, but piercing look on his face.
Both of us have been brought here by the memory of one person...
Magdaria-sama.
As if he could hear my thoughts, Sanosuke whispers "Sayo..."
***
I met Magdaria fifteen years ago, when I was just eight. My family was Shinobi, although one of the lesser-known groups in Edo. It was five years before the Meiji Era would begin, and the laws against fighting would become predominant in people's minds. In the mornings, I practiced the martial arts with my father and older brother, Kurin, while in the afternoons I was free to do as I wished, which for the most part meant playing by the docks.
It was an afternoon in late autumn when I was down at the docks, watching the boats come in, when I noticed a tiny fishing-boat I had never seen before, bobbing lightly in the harbor. Curious, I had run up to it... to find a little girl sitting there, reading a book.
"Hello," I said quietly. Because we lived fairly far out of the Edo core, I rarely had people to talk to. Not to mention the fact that my family discouraged it.
She looked up at me, startled. "I..." she seemed unable to finish her sentence.
She had brown-green eyes, and hair a soft shade of brown. The book in her hands was a language I couldn't understand, but I guessed that she could. I looked around the harbour. There was no sign of anyone else.
"What are you doing here?" I asked her.
"I..."
"Yes?"
"I'm waiting for someone."
"Who's that?" I smiled.
"My older brother and my uncle," she replied softly. "We're leaving tonight."
I blinked. "Leaving? Where to?"
She pointed to the water. "That way - Denmark."
I blinked again. "Denmark? Why would you want to go there?"
"It'll be safe," she whispered softly.
"Are you in danger here?"
She nodded.
I grinned. "Okay, then. How about I protect you, just for today?"
She looked up at me, surprised. "Why?"
"Well, you said you were in danger, right?" I smiled widely. "My family's Shinobi. I promise I'll watch out for you."
"My family's Christian," she whispered. "So your family probably wouldn't want you to look after me."
"Christian?" I asked. "What's that?"
I never did get to find out what my family would have done to her. We spent the afternoon by the docks, sitting and talking. She told me a lot about what it was to be Christian. I must admit, it was a bit much for an eight-year old to take, but I did my best. It must have been about five in the afternoon before I remembered to ask her for her name.
We had just been looking over her book, while she explained that it was in Porteuguse. To me, it looked like a whole bunch of silly scribbles, but who was I to argue?
"By the way... My name's Tokinawa Shouzo. What's yours?"
"Sayo," she said in her quiet voice, "But my brother says my name's going to be Magdaria."
I shook my head. "Sayo's a good name - why does he want to change it?"
"He wants me to be Mary. I have to be... for our people."
This was too much for me to understand, so I stood up, wiping off my hands. "Your brother and uncle still haven't come back, and it's getting late... why don't we stop by my house for a bit, and have a meal? I promise, my mom and dad won't hurt you."
"But I'm..."
"We don't have to tell them you're Christian or whatever. You must be hungry - come one!"
Sayo looked worried for a moment, but then looked up at the sky, where light was falling down from the clouds. (Magdaria would tell me when I was older that they were known as "Jacob's Ladders") "Alright," she said quietly. She then smiled.
I'd never forget that smile. And to this day, I'm convinced that she was asking our Lord whether she could go or not when I invited her to eat. But she never told me... I never knew for sure.
It took us about ten minutes to reach my family's training grounds. Sayo didn't say much on the way, but she smiled a lot. About halfway there, I tried to strike up some sort of conversation.
"Are you looking forward to going to Denmark?"
She looked at the ground, frowning. "It's better than being here."
I looked around, up at the trees and the sky. "What's so bad about being here?"
"They kill people here."
"And they don't in Denmark?"
She shook her head. "They killed my mom and my dad."
"Oh."
I was silent for what seemed like an eternity. "Well... I promise, I'll make sure you get safe to Denmark, okay? Right after dinner - I'll walk you back to your boat and wait for your Uncle and brother to come back. Where'd they go, anyways?"
"Nikko," she answered.
Nikko was a town a few hours walk outside of Edo, popular for temple-hopping. I had onylbeen once myself, at new years with my mother.
"Why'd they go there?"
"To get Hokai-san and Namuri-san. They're friends of my uncle, and Christians too. He thinks they might want to go with us."
"So they just left you in the boat?"
She shook her head. "No... my brother was going to stay with me. But I told him to go... he has a lot to learn from my Uncle. And I wasn't feeling well, so..."
I stopped. "You're sick?"
"Sometimes," she whispered. "Sometimes."
"Oh. I'm sorry, Sayo..."
"Please," she said, looking up at me with her green-brown eyes, "Call me Magdaria."
"Uh... okay?" I replied, still somewhat confused.
"Thank you." she smiled. I felt myself blush.
That was when I began to fall for Magdaria-sama. I now only regret that I never told her in her life how I felt. But she was always out of my reach, seeing a world I only tried to imagine. Her life gave my faith in God - because she could believe in something, I knew I could too. I knew that if someone like Magdaria-sama would believe in Him, I should too. No matter how much her brother and I loved her, Magdaria-sama looked to the Lord first. Always.
I still remember the scene that greeted Magdaria-sama and I when I arrived back at the house.
Gold.
It's strange how the first things we connect with images are sometimes too good or too dark for them.
My mind snapped and registered "golden" when I looked at the fire, leaping from the woods around our home.
"Golden."
"Oka-san!!! Otou-san!!!" I screamed as I ran up the little dirt path to my home. Flames licked up and down the vine-covered walls, and sure enough, an inferno had formed on the center of the grounds, where I house had stood. "Mother! Father!!!"
I ran through the thin flames, rushing towards the empty grounds where the fire could not reach. In the center of them stood my mother, father, and older brother, each with a weapon. I could not make out the faces of the men who surrounded them.
"Dare da, temee?!" My father barked out.
The man looked at him with contempt. "We are the Jinpu Tai. We've been ordered to destroy this band of Shinobi on behalf of the Meiji government."
"'Jinpu Tai'?" my mother asked. "You're... the assasins that have been attacking politicians in Edo! Why do you want us?"
"All obstacles to the new government must be removed. This is our duty, as the Jinpu Tai."
"Self-proclaimed..." My father drew out his pair of subasa, while Kurin withdrew a set of sais. My mother procurred a set of shuriken from her kimono.
I heard a loud crack above me, and looked up... only to see our old climbing-tree falling down in flames.
"Abunai!" A girl-ish voice shrieked.
I felt a body push me out of the way, and we fell to the ground together.
When I looked up, Sayo was beside me. "Are you okay?" she asked.
I clenched my forehead. "My family..."
She looked worriedly over. "They're on the other side of the fire... we can't reach them."
"I have to...!"
I stared at the golden flames, cascading over the forest in waves. Sayo and I were between a large bolder and some clear soil, so with any luck, we wouldn't get caught in it. "There must be a way... I'm Shinobi..."
I stood up. "Sayo... iya, Magdaria-san, stay here. I'll be back as soon as I can help my family... I promise. I'll get you back to your brother and uncle, okay?"
"You can't possibly...!" Her voice rose in worry.
"I'll be fine. Just fine..." I looked at the rock. It was fairly high... I could use it to make the jump over our wall into the yard. I knew I could.
The rock was warm to the touch, already heated by the fires around us. I had never been able to best my father or Kurin in combat, but that didn't mean I couldn't do it. I had trained my whole (albeit short,) life, and now was when it counted. I opted for a running jump, so I took the little space I had to work with and made a dash.
First my foot, throwing me up the side of the rock, closer to the top, then my right hand hit the rock hard, and I used it as a spring to fly into the air, throwing my feet in front of me as I soared towards the wall. So close... Another few feet... I forced myself into a flying side kick.
I could see the grounds ahead of me.
My father was standing in front of my mother. There was one of the Jinpu Tai behind her... when had he gotten there?
My brother was fighting one of them... A katana was drawn...
KURIN!!! my mind screamed.
Tears rushed from my eyes.
My father was facing one of them head on... the Jinpu Tai was using a forward piercing thrust...
He swings the scythe-like subasa and the man's throat, but ever so slightly the man changes his angle, switching to a horizontal cut towards my father's stomach.
Blood in the light of the fire.
I hear two grotesque thumps on the ground...
And throw up.
Something hard hits my head... And the light of the fire somehow begins to fade.
When I woke up that evening, it was Magdaria-sama who was with me. Pain shot through my head... my only comfort had been that I was not alone. The first thing I did... I cried.
"I failed them..." I whispered, "I failed them!"
I let out a childish wail.
Magdaria-sama had given me a hug. "It's okay, it's not your fault.... there was nothing you could do."
"No... I could have made that jump. If I hadn't... if I hadn't...!" I began to sob.
And there was Magdaria-sama, only a child, holding me in her arms. "God will forgive you. Cry as much as you need, Shouzo-san..."
And I did.
After that, I didn't know where to go. Magdaria-sama and I sat by the boulder for a good couple of hours, until the moon began to rise. I remember her looking at me...
"What are you going to do now?" she asked.
I shook my head. "I don't know..." I looked over at my burned home. "We don't have any relatives near here." Then I turned to her. "You're family," I choked, "They're going to be waiting for you."
She nodded. "Why don't you come with us?"
"Me?" I looked at her with surprise. "But I'm not..."
"That doesn't matter. I think that's why I met you today. Please, if you have no where else to go, you are welcome with us."
"T... thank you," I stuttered. I felt my eyes begin to sting again. "I have to go say goodbye. I'll be back in a minute..." I stood up and began walking towards the burnt ruins of my home.
There wasn't much left of what had been our home. The wall had been brought down in several places from falling trees. Our house, once three levels, had been burnt more-or-less to the ground. I could see my family where they lay. I felt nauseauted, but refused to dishonor them anymore.
"Oka-san, Otou-san. Oni-san. I'm sorry I've failed you..." Despite my efforts, I still ended up on my knees. "Forgive me!"
I cried for a while.
Finally, I brushed my tears away with my sleeve. "But I can't do anything more here, Otou-san."
I stood up. "I'm going to go away, for now," I whispered. "And I'll be back, soon. I promise." I wanted to bury them, but I had no means to do so, and I had to make sure Sayo got back soon. Looking desperately around for something to do for their remains, I spotted a single lily, growing in our rock garden. It had grown there every year that I could remember, and while my father had always wanted it removed, my mother had convinced him that it had added something to the garden. With a child's sense of ceremony, I walked slowly over the white flower, rubbing its delicate bloom with my thumb.
"I know you loved this flower, mother," I said, resting against her burned body with closed eyes. "But it doesn't belong in the garden anymore."
Sayo approached me. "The Lord will keep their souls safe."
I turned to her, feeling tears stream from my eyes. "Do you really believe that?"
She nodded solemnly.
With her looking at me with those eyes... It was the first moment in my life I could say I really, really believed there was a God. Although my faith wavered from time to time over the first few years, nothing could change the power of that moment... One child with unshakable faith leading another onto a path yet unseen.
Shougo, Magdaria-sama's older brother, wasn't what I had expected. I had thought that any relation to a child as kind as Sayo must surely be equally quiet and calm. Instead, a dynamic, forceful youth, with strength and power radiating off him like light shining from the sun. However, I did not take nearly as well to Magdaria-sama's brother as I did to Magdaria-sama herself. I think that I felt almost threatened by Shougo. Although he would later become my master, this man who thought he was the son of God, (now I look back on my own folly... I have surely been a fool. Forgive me, Magdaria-sama.) I can't help but think that I may have been jealous of Shougo's relationship with Magdaria-sama. I remember when I met him...
"Sayo!!!" A boy came running at us from the road up ahead. "Sayo!!!" he shouted.
He was slightly taller than I, with long black hair tied up in samurai style. I guessed that he was maybe ten, but he wore a small katana at his side. I could guess that he wanted to be a swordsmaster.
While my family had never dealt with swordsmen personally, my father had warned me a few years back that Shinobi and Samurai rarely got along well. As it turned out, Shougo and I weren't much of an exception, at first.
He grabbed her hand. "Where have you been?! And with this... boy?!"
I blinked. "Hey!!!" I placed myself between him and Sayo as best I could. "Who are you, to run up to us like this? Leave her be!"
"I'm her brother," he said icily, in an adult tone.
"Yeah? Well I promised to protect her, so...!"
He turned to glance at Sayo. "What are you doing with this boy?"
"He's a friend," she replied softly, "And I want him to come with us to Denmark."
He turned back to me and gave me a "hn - bug" look. "Where's his family?"
I scowled. "Either get out of my way, or..." I pulled out three shuriken.
He blinked. "Ninja?"
My scowl stayed firmly in place.
Sayo put her hand on his sleeve. "They were killed, Oni-chan. The Jinpu-Tai..."
"Why do you want to come with us?"
I looked at the ground. "I promised to protect your sister. Those are the only words I have left with any meaning."
He looked at me with a slightly more accepting expression. "If you want to protect her, Shinobi, then you can come with us. I'm Shougo."
"Shouzo," I replied, offering my hand.
He didn't take it, but turned back towards the docks. "We'd better get going. You shouldn't worry Uncle like that, Magdaria-sama."
With that, the three of us walked towards the ocean and our next destination.
One thing I must give Shougo credit for was his dedication to Magdaria-sama. I'm sure that if I hadn't offered to protect her, he never would have let me come. He put aside his own feelings for the safety of his sister. But he never called her Sayo again in my presence, and I never called her it, either. I grew to respect Shougo more and more as I grew older - perhaps because Magdaria-sama respected him, or maybe it was because of his unyielding dedication to his religion and the Christians he called "His People".
Denmark... It wasn't really the country I remember, but instead the time I spent with Magdaria-sama and Shougo. But on arriving there, I remember the feeling of freedom. Even though I wasn't a devout Christian as I am now, I knew that this was a place where people weren't prosecuted for being what they were. Like my family... Shinobi always considered Shinobi noble. But samurai and governments rarely did. It may have been this bond that drew me to Magdaria-sama, but I believe it was more so her compassion and faith in God.
I spent years training in Denmark. I devoted myself completely to protecting Magdaria-sama, so I continued my Shinobi training on my own. Eventually I adopted a style of Kenpo mixed with our traditional styles. I have kept my pride at being Shinobi.
Yes. I was proud of what I am.
And that was what gave me strength to stand. Our people... trodden under foot. If we couldn't believe in ourselves, in our right to be ourselves, those heavy feet would have pushed us through the Earth long ago.
My life became utterly dedicated to Magdaria-sama. I wanted to understand her, but could never bring myself to tell her how I felt. I was a shy boy about my emotions, and I think that may be a fault I've carried over into my adult-hood. I was always by her side... I couldn't let anything happen to her. The girl I met on the day my family died was the only person I had left.
I became a devout Christian within a year of living with Magdaria-sama and her family. Even if Shougo and she found out they were human after all, that can't dim the memories of her preachings, of her words, of her kindness. Yes, she was only a human, and a martyr, perhaps, but that only sweetness the memory - instead of being someone just blessed at random, it continues to hold promise to Christians everywhere... we can be what our Lord wants us to be. We can... we will be. We are all equals in the eyes of our Lord.
I remember the last time I had a chance to talk to Magdaria-sama in private, before... before. Just before.
We had been travelling on the road all day, trying to reach our new church in the mountains of Osaka, where Magdaria-sama and Shougo-sama were going to preach. (Although I always, always, had found Magdaria-sama's speechs more provocative.) We had stopped for lunch, and I had been about to eat, when Magdaria-sama had another one of her coughing fits. I offered her my scarf to use, but she shook her head.
"No, I'm alright, kind Shozo." she smiled meekly. "We have to go on, don't we?"
I shook my head, offering her the scarf again. "Please, Magdaria-sama... your hands..."
She looked down at them, reddened with blood.
My eyes were near tears in concern. "My Lord will save me. I am in his hands, and shall do as he wishes. 'Let not your heart be troubled - if you believe in me, believe also in my Father.'" she coughed again, violently.
"Magdaria-sama!"
She looked up, smiling again. "Please don't be so worried for me, Shozo."
Her voice was so kind, it was like the feather of the dove, stroking warmly against your ears. "You should find a doctor." I said with obvious concern.
She shook her head. "I am doing the work of my Lord." She straightened her back. "For his sake, if no other in my life, I will have strength."
I could do no more for her, and even as I went into down among the trees of the valley to walk, Shougo sat by her, comforting her. I often felt envious of Shougo and his relationship with Magdaria-sama. Still, I walked silently, my feet making no sound greater than those of a bird's. It was then, in that dark and shadowy valley, that I spotted a single ray of light, breaking through the trees. I paused, feeling as if I was being watched. I spun around - but could see no one. My eyes narrowed, and I stood still for a good three minutes. Still, no sound. If someone was there, this shinobi had obviously failed in his training. Just in case, I took to the trees, darting silently from branch to branch as I made my way towards the ray of light.
There, growing in thin, thin ground, was a lily, pure white. I blinked, and looked around - it seemed like an almost sacred grove. But no one appeared, so I lept silently down, like a cat, by the flower. Plucked it, feeling the weight of its stem between my fingers. Beautiful.
Shougo-sama was already packing up when I returned, the lily hidden behind my back. Magdaria-sama was sitting on a log, alone. Shougo turned to me.
"You're back, Shozo-san?"
I nodded.
He gave something akin to a smile. "My sister thought you had gotten lost. I'm going to see the road ahead - please, stay here for a minute."
I nodded again.
When we were alone, I turned to her, silent, and procurred the lily.
She accepted it gratefully, with a smile that spoke of an eternal sunshine in a safe world.
***
"Integrity," I whisper, as I pace a lily upon her grave. "You taught me, Magdaria-sama... the meaning of that word."
I feel the tears spill all over again, flowing out of the past in a ferocious storm of painful memories, of the loss of the ones I've loved.