Standard Disclaimers Start Applying Now
Authored by Godsend777
All Situations Just Happen


"Klaxons scream throughout NERV. The siren alerts people of what's going
on. The klaxons are red. Red, the color I hate. The color of blood. The
scent of a woman who does not bleed..." 

"Rei, we're on full alert here, so could you stop zoning off?" Misato's
voice came through the mini-viewscreen. 

"Sorry." 

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				EVANGELION - STRANGELY DARKFIC
					   PART 1
			     "I LOVE YOU.  I WOULD DATE WITH YOU."

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"What's the status of this new angel?" Asuka asks, very annoyed. 

"Why are you so pissed off? I thought you liked fighting Angels?" Ritsuko
says. 

"Not when it infringes upon me and Shinji's 'quality time.'" Asuka responds
with a hmmph. 

"Maybe you and Shinji should spend less 'quality time' together, and more
time with his dear, dear mother." Yui interjects. 

At this, Asuka blushes. "Uh-umm, W-where is that baka, anyways?" 

"He said he'd be late." Misato says. "Something about being tied up at the
moment." 

Asuka's face deepens to the same color as her plug-suit. "Oops." 

"Are you guys ready to fight?" 

"Yes, Misato." 

"Yes." 

"Good. Now the target is in sub-orbit over Tokyo-3. Your job is to provide
as convenient cannon-fodder until it comes down here. But be warned!" 

"Of what?" 

"Aside from its horny appearance, it's also carrying a bokken." 

"A bokken?" Asuka asks. 

"Yes." 

"..." 

"Captain! I've just received word that Touji is on his way down, and Shinji
is following bare-assed behind him!" 

"Quick! Switch to external feed!" Asuka demands. Hyuuga, not really wanting
to get into an argument with a forty-story giant red robot, and remembering
the previous installment's ATFielding, obeys. 

The Command Center's Video Display shows Touji running through NERV gates,
followed by a kinkily dressed Shinji. Several females drool over Shinji's
'Tree of Life.' Some of his relatives, too, though I ain't sayin' which
ones. 

"I wish I could start the Third Impact with that..." Aoba sighs. 

Everyone stares at him in disbelief. 

"Sorry, I had to say something reminiscent of 'Is Nothing Sacred?' Lord
knows the only reason this is getting written was because people actually
liked that piece of shit." 

"Piece of what?" The writer asks. 

"Magnificence, my-one-and-only-God-next-to-Anno. Absolute magnificence." 

"Is 'magnificence' a real word?" 

"You're writing this." 

"True. Back to work all." 

"I'm really getting sick of him." Yui states. 

"Ummm...Back to the situation at hand." The angel pleads. 

"Oh, Right! Evas 00 and 02, sortie!" 

The release bolts on the catapults blow, sending Evas 00 and 02 flying
upward. The shutter doors open automatically, and guide rails pop out of
one of them. Eva-00 safely arrives to the surface. Eva-02, however,
skyrockets into the air like a firecracker lit from a toad's ass. 







Uhh...disregard that. 

Eva-02 flies into the air like a graceful eagle without wings. Soaring
higher, it grabs a progressive lance from a shoulder compartment and brings
it up in a position to strike the angel. It seems it's about to be a
perfect strike when Asuka's luck suddenly changes. 

"STRIKESTRIKESTRIKESTRIKESTRIKESTRIKE!!!" The angel yells. 

'AAAHHHHHHHH!!" Asuka screams, and Eva-02 is suddenly thrown backwards by
thousands of blows at its most vital spots. It plummets towards the Earth,
the grim realization of its fate at hand, when it is suddenly caught by
Eva-01 flying with its kick-ass energy wings. 

"Shinji!" Asuka screams happily. 

"Asuka! Are you okay!?" Shinji yells back. 

"I am now that you're here..." Eva-02 leans into Eva-01's embrace, its head
on Unit 01's shoulder. Cherry blossoms fall in the background. 


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	NERV Command

"I wonder how Eva-01 can function without you in it, Yui." Misato states,
looking up at Eva-01 and Eva-02 in the sky. 

"Uhhh...Ritsuko?" Yui asks, sweatdropping heavily. 


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"AAAHHHHHHHH!!" Shinji and Asuka scream as they fall to the ground. Misato
had unfortunately stated a fact the writer overlooked earlier, and now they
are paying the price. Thus, they kept falling until Unit-01 grabbed ahold
of Unit-02 and positioned itself under it, taking the full brunt of the
impact. 

"Shinji!?" Asuka turned on her viewscreen and looked at him. He was
apparently unconscious from taking the fall. Since she had landed on him,
she was fine. Seeing he was okay, she pulled out a pallet gun from a nearby
storage building and waited for the angel to descend further. Eva-00 and 03
follow suit. 

The angel sees this and decides to change its tactics. Shining its light on
Eva-02, it begins to pierce Asuka's mind. 


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The angel that had the unfortunate destiny of hosting Tatewaki Kuno's mind
smiles. Before SEELE had sent him to Tokyo-3, they gave him the 'Light of
Judgement.' They added, 'Take care of NERV, then you can settle up with
Ranma Saotome.' Yes, the 'Light of Judgement' would be a useful tool in
smiting the foul sorcerer. HAHAHAHA! Now, with the click of a switch, this
first one would fall to his mighty prowess. 

Flicking the switch on the flashlight, he feels connected to the pilot's
mind for three seconds. Then the batteries give out, leaving its moronic
owner vulnerable. He bangs the flashlight against one of his horny
protrusions, but it still doesn't turn on. 

'That normally works.' The Shooting Star of Heaven thinks. Opening his
mouth, he lets out a mighty roar. "SASUKE!" While screaming his servants'
name, he becomes aware of three positron rifles clicking into position. 

"Oy Vey." The sound of an explosion fills the sky as Kuno is blown to
several small bits of Angel Dust. Hyuuga and Aoba quickly run outside to
gather up some the substance, since the raw stuff is worth three times
normal street value. The city of Tokyo-3 was quite happy for the following
week. 


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	Misato's Apartment

"Alright!" the purple-hued vixen screams. "Another angel dead, another
party about to START!" She does a few Slayer symbols and shakes some
boo-tay. 

"Misato, please," Shinji begs, leaning on Asuka. "I've got a terrible
headache from the battle, and I just want it to be quiet for a bit." Behind
him, Touji and Hikari nod in assent. Kensuke just stands there. 

"Wow, Ikari! You're so lucky you pilot an Eva!" 

"Shuttup, Kensuke." 

"I'll get an icepack." Asuka offers, disengaging from her boyfriend. After
her and Hikari disappear into the kitchen, Touji pulls Shinji aside. 

"So what's going on between you, her and Rei?" 

"Yeah, Shinji, when we pick you up in the morning, sometimes Rei is here."
Kensuke joins in. 

"And on those mornings, you all have this weird, satisfied smile on your
faces. Normally it's just you and the beast, but it's been all three kinda
recently." Shinji begins to shrink under the attack. 

"And," Kensuke adds, "Isn't there a restraining order on Rei?" Shinji
gulps, cracking even further under their pressure. 

"So tell us, Ikari," The two chime in unison. "Just what is going on
between the three of you?" 

"Nothing you and Hikari don't do!" Asuka jumps in, scaring the fool trio. 

"Asuka, you said you wouldn't tell anyone..." Hikari says, blushing. But
the redhead continues her assault. 

"Or Kensuke and his Sailor Moon standup." Then walking over to Shinji, puts
an icepack on his head. "There, there, let's get you to bed." They
disappear into Shinji's room. 

"As for you, Suzuhara, time for a lecture on how boys should act!" Hikari
speaks, reverting back to her bossy tone. Grabbing him by the ear, she
leads him out the door. 

"But what am I supposed to do?" Kensuke asks himself. 

"Here, have a beer." 

"Thanks, Misato! You wanna get drunk and have sex?" 

"Sorry, Kensuke, but this isn't Garden of Eva. Why don't you try asking Rei
out?" 

"Hmmm..." The young poster child for military boys promptly gets lost in
thought. 

After a while of listening to Pen-Pen play Shinji's cello (an amazing feat,
I might add), Kensuke finally asks the question this scene was written for.

"So where is Rei anyways?" 

"I don't know. Ritsuko said she had to talk with her..." 

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Ritsuko, Yui, and Fuuyutsuki stand before Rei in one of the many science
labs sitting around NERV headquarters. 

"So, Rei, do you know what I called you here for?" 

"This is about Maya, isn't it?" Rei responds. 

"Yes, this is my revenge on you, you little slu-" 

"RITSUKO!" Yui yells. "I will not have you calling my 'daughter' names!" 

"DAUGHTER!?!" Rei blurts out. 

"Yes, Rei," Ritsuko grins. "You are a clone of Yui, and -" 

"I know I'm a clone, get to the point." The girl huffs out. 

"Well, genetically speaking, and taking your age into effect, you are
SHINJI'S SISTER!!" Ritsuko cackles maniacally and points her finger at the
young eva pilot. 

Rei's face turns, um, whiter than usual. (Is that possible?) 

"Then all the stuff we've done together..." 

"Is considered extraordinarily disgusting in many cultures, except those of
Jurai and England." Ritsuko adds. 

"What stuff?" Yui and Fuuyutsuki ask. 

"Well..." As Rei goes into great detail about menage a trois', bondage
fairies, and one of the three known copies of the German Kama Sutra, the
others listen. Fuuyutsuki nearly dies of a nose bleed, Yui alternates
between shock and note-taking, and Ritsuko grins proudly at her handiwork.
At the end of the tale, Rei breaks down, swearing never again to touch
Shinji in a sexual manner. Several miles away, Asuka starts to feel really
happy. 


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Reaching into the dimensional portal that stayed in her apartment since the
end of the last series, Misato grabs another six-pack of beer. 

"So you have a means of traveling to other dimensions, being able to bring
stuff back, even to a certain extent control those dimensions, and you're
using it as an unlimited beer supply?" Kensuke asks. 

"Yup, pretty cool, huh?" Misato beams back to him. That 'are you an
idiot!?' look appears across Kensuke face. Then, shrugging it away,
finishes off his beer. He writes down a tally of what's been drunk thus
far. 

Kensuke: 1 

Misato: 1,087 

"You can really put it away, can't you Misato?" 

"Yeah, but it's all Kaji's fault. If he hadn't gotten me drunk that night,
this would never have happened." 

"Gotten you drunk? Then you don't mean-" 

"Yep. My virginity was lost to Kaji after twenty-two beers and a bottle of
Zima." 

"Misato, don't use product placement in a fanfic, it's bad taste." Kensuke
lectured. 

"Sorry. Well, since nothing else is going on, I'll relate to you every
intimate detail starting with how he slowly slipped off my-" 

The door to Shinji's room opened as Asuka walked out of it. This snapped
Kensuke back to reality, as he was listening very intently to Misato's
story. 

"Get back to Shinji's room!" He screamed. Unfortunately, no one pisses off
the redhead, and he was booted from the apartment via Takahashi Throw - The
Fastest Way to Travel. 

"So how's Shinji?" Misato asked, popping her 1,088th beer. 

"He's fine. Sometimes this seems like it's all a dream..." Asuka talked
about how 'lovey' and 'peachy' everything was in a tone that would have
given even Hikari diabetes. 

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The writer stared hard at Eva-01. He wondered how he had lost his ability
to write even a halfway decent pile of humorous crap. He realized it had
been sucked into Eva-01 along with Shinji in both 'Dead Children' and 'The
Death of One.' He sighed. 

"I've been writing too much serious stuff lately. Can't make fun of
anything anymore." He said. Pausing, he thought of an idea. Perhaps if he
went into Eva-01 and got it back. Nah, there was no way in hell he was
going inside. They had Eva pilots for that sort of thing. Of course, he
didn't have Eva pilots. He had Annogelion and a cute pre-reader. "And I
can't lose the pre-reader...Hmmm..." Finally arriving on some coherent
thought, he summoned the comatose being known as Annogelion. 

Annogelion flopped down before him. He would have stood, but he's comatose.
So he hefted the small, fat, purple Eva over his shoulder (hey, it's Kubo
in an Eva costume, alright?) and pulled the switch on the entry plug.
Tossing him in like yesterday's dirty laundry, he hit the rinse cycle and
awaited the 400% synch ratio. After the loud buzzing noise that signaled
the 400% synch ratio, as well as his laundry being done, he plucked out
watever writing talent he could find and his Ghost in the Shell T-shirt,
and left. 

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	SEELE Chamber's

Kihl Lorenz propped his feet up on the table before. Pulling out a pair of
toe-nail clippers, he began trimming away all sorts of nasty foot-fungus. 

To his right, the French representative painted his fingernails, and
generally put on some make-up. 

Going even further around the table, one would see the Russian rep drinking
vodka and watching porn with the American rep, while the English rep drank
some tea with his pinky extended. 

"Frenchie." He called out to the French rep. 

"Biscuit-Biter." The French rep replied. 

"Breadstuffer." 

"Anal Reaver." 

"Bonesmoker." 

"Pillow-biter." 

"Gerbil-lover." 

"Felching Fiend." 

"Candy-ass Pu-" 

"Oh, for the love of Yahweh, cut it out!" Kihl screamed. "Our scene starts
in two minutes, and I have to get my toenails clipped!" 

"Actually," the Russian rep called out. "It started a few seconds ago." He
swigged some vodka, then handed it to the American rep. 

"Shit!" Kihl swore. "Damn! Salvage this scene as best as possible, and
everyone get new names so we're not insulting any more nationalities!" 

As SEELE scrambles to get into place, the writer takes a minute to wonder
where the hell this is going. 

"Ahem! We're in place." Kihl begins. 

"Oh, go ahead." The writer says. 

"Damn NERV!" Kihl states. "They've defeated all the angels we've sent and
depleted our funds!" 

"Yes," The French rep says while drumming his fingers together, "We must
find a way to make them pay." 

"Wait, wait, wait! Let's get some names here." Kihl points at The French
rep. "You're Mr. Burns. The Russian rep, Boris; American rep, George Lucas;
and wussy English guy, Lyn Anouihl." 

"Excellent." The French rep states. 

Boris takes a swig of vodka. 

George Lucas pulls out a lightsaber. 

Lyn wonders if Aoi is busy. 

"Now, what is the first order of business." 

"Well, we should send one more angel to allow the Eva series time to be
complete." Mr. Burns says. 

"Good idea. Any nominees?" 

"Yes. We fished this thing out of the ruins of Old Hollywood." George Lucas
flops a giant anaconda onto the table. 

"What the hell!?" Kihl shouts. 

"Look," Lyn begins, "The budget is shot. We're down to this anaconda, our
choices of three mind implants, and five buckets of Glow in the Dark paint.
We have little choice at this point." 

"Fine. What are the choices for the mind implants?" 

"A snake, a garden hose, and Pauly Shore." Boris slurs. 

"Gah! We'll go with the smartest one. Put in the Garden Hose!" 

"Fine, just give us a hand with this paint!" Mr. Burns screams. 

"We'll get you for this, NERV!!!" 

Soon, all the members of SEELE paint the snake Glowey-White(tm). 


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Meanwhile, Rei was stalking the streets, trying to find a way to tell
Shinji this disturbing news. As luck and convenient self-insertion fanfic
writer placement would have it, she bumps into the writer, who is currently
coming out of a 'Star Wars: Episode One' showing. 

"Glk....too...much...JarJar...." 

"Hey, what are you doing here!" Rei asks. 

"Feel sick...need...good fanfic..." 

"Oh, alright, here." Pulling out her internet printed copy of 'The Saga
Continues', she hands it to the writer. 

The writer reads the fanfic, and barfs all over the pages. 

"I said a GOOD fanfic!" 

"Sorry, but Shinji and I get together in that one." 

"Nevermind, I keep a copy of HERZ on me for such an emergency." The writer
quickly pulls out a page, then sighs in relief as good characterization and
plot fill his head. 

"That's better." He lets out. 

"So what are you doing here? I thought you hated gratuitous
self-insertion?" 

"I do, but only when you insert yourself, or a character based off yourself
to score with the Eva chick of your dreams." 

"Which is why you barfed on 'The Saga Continues.'" 

"Exactly." 

"You're not getting any." 

"I don't want any." The writer dusts off his Ghost in the Shell T-shirt. "I
just wanna tell cheap jokes and make your lives a living hell." 

"Gee, thanks." The blue-haired girl says sarcastically. 

"So, how would you like Shinji back?" 

Rei stops to think about the situation a little, eyes wide with hope. But
luckily (for her) she has a good, cautious side to her. 

(Author's Note: DAMN HER CAUTIOUS SIDE!!!) 

"What do you mean?" 

"Well, I've been thinking about a little continuity restructuring for the
third and final story arc, 'Shinji Ikari in Love,' and I was wondering if
you would like to go back to how it was last episode? You can't have him
totally, I am a Shinji/Asuka fan after all." 

"I'll give you forty bucks." Rei says. 

"Deal! Although I'm not sure if accepting money from fanfic characters is
more pathetic than trying to score with them, but deal! But are you sure
you want to do this?" 

"Hmmm..." Rei's thought processes flare up, her lustful, Shinji-craving
side starting off the arguments inside her head via 'Neon Genesis
Evanjellydonut's' Rei Council. Eventually, Rei's scream for Ikari's cream,
and she gladly accepts. 

They walk away, plotting nasty things for our favorite couple. 

Somewhere in the distance, Asuka frowns mightily. 


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Ritsuko works on phase two of her plan. Since Rei had her way with Maya, it
was only fitting that she had her way with Rei's beloved. 

She silently thanks her cousin Sophia for her S&M battle gear and whip, but
still wonders why she competes in that silly Toshinden tournament... 

Oh, well, time for action. 

Slithering in her target's room, she sees him lying on his bed. Since Asuka
didn't want to make Shinji's headache worse, she had left to go shopping
with Misato. That was an hour ago, and they should be back in the next
fifteen, but that was normally plenty of time with your average Ikari. But
remembering today's earlier battle, or more appropriately, Shinji running
to it, she wondered if he was really your typical Ikari. 

Time to find out. 

Pulling out Misato's Keg-o-matic 5000 (guaranteed to make the object of
your desire drunk in fifteen seconds or less) she hooked it up to Shinji's
mouth. 

Shinji opened his eyes to see the scantily clad doctor do her deed, using
Misato's Keg-o-matic to get him drunk. 

'No!' He thought to himself. 'I musn't betray Asuka! I musn't...' 

Unfortunately, his fifteen seconds were up, and all coherent thought was
thrown into Eva-01 along with Annogelion. 

In short, Ritsuko had her way with him. 

But what repercussions will this have on our Eva-verse? We'll see soon... 

"WHAT!?! THAT BITCH DID WHAT TO MY SHINJI!?!?!?!?!?" 

"Oh, shuttup Rei, and get back on that wall scroll!!" 

"Piss off, you Jesus look-alike!" 

"Dammit Rei! Another word and our alliance is dissolved!!" 

"D'oh!" 


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Next Up: Another angel attacks, Rei and the Writer's plans start to come
together, and SEELE acts gayer than usual. It's all next on "All of you!
Mosh like you want to win!!" 

Author's Notes: I like 'Garden of Eva.' Really. And Jim Lazar, if you're
reading this, Put out the next part. That cliffhanger ending did a fine job
making me impatient. 

And Orbit productions, I like Eva:R, too. So I don't want any people
flaming me about those two fics. 

But 'The Saga Continues...' 

Maybe I'll bring it up later. 

Maybe. 


Extra Special Thanks goes out to my three pre-readers:

Mirei Ikari - Kawaii Extraordanaire.
Greg Thomas - Owner of the 'Everything Anime' webpage, as well as an
Evangelion Fanfic Archive.
A1-1-Bus - Writer of Imagine Normality and numerous other works. Go Read
Them!!! I COMMAND THEE!!! 

And everyone else out there who read this fic.  Thank You!



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