I hate
this.
I must
live a lie every time I return to this place; a masquerade that
hurts more than anything else that has ever been done to me.
But I have no
other choice.
She is everything
good and innocent in my world; if I made my presence more
obvious in her life, I would begin to contaminate her, until that purity
-
that all-accepting love of everything around her - would be soiled
beyond
redemption.
And I won't
allow that.
She is a part
of me, both in heart and soul. It is heartening, to see how
someone as evil as I can still have some shard of good left in me;
*she* is
the embodiment of it all - the living evidence that maybe, just maybe,
I
really do have a soul.
And that,
maybe, I'm truly worth something.
She gives
me hope by her mere presence; the fact that she is still so open
to affection, and to caring for others, even after suffering for so
long
under the control of that fucking *bastard*, Tarukane -
I admire
her so much.
Despite the
power I have, and how feared my name is throughout the Makai,
she is so much stronger. She has passed through trials that would have
broken me long ago, and has emerged virtually unscathed. There are
physical
scars, yes - it took a while before I noticed them, but I can see them:
faint, white, and nearly invisible against the pale skin of her face
and
arms - but there are no shadows in her eyes, no hesitance when she
speaks or
moves.
I'm so
proud of her.
But I
can't tell her that. I never will be able to, either.
As much
as I love to be around her, to bask in the warmth she casts into my
existence, it also hurts, like the dull grinding of a knife in my entire
being.
The promise
I made to Shigure is not an obstacle. It never has been.
It's just
that she frightens me, plain and simple.
How can
I ever live up to what she expects of me - of the phantom brother
she hopes to one day meet?
There's
no way I can become what she wants; the value of my soul is a
paltry thing, barely worthy of even being in her presence. I've been
used
and broken far too many times to ever be anything like her, or her
dreams.
Yet, the
faith she has, both in me, and the man that she imagines her
brother to be, is unwavering - and utterly terrifying.
How can I fail that sort of complete trust?
What kind
of bastard would that make me?
I can't let that happen. Not to her, or to myself.
Telling
her would destroy her.
And breaking
her would mean breaking *me*, finally, beyond repair.
It is
my trust in her ability to see everything as good that keeps me from
going insane, or succumbing to the darkness that beckons to me, every
day of
my life.
She is
my anchor in this wretched life, the reason I keep fighting, and
coming back to this damned place.
She is
the reason why I why I have not killed a certain brash oaf years
ago, the reason I did not leave the Urameshi Team, once my sentence
was
completed.
Otherwise,
I would have left years ago. Left without ever looking back; I
have connections in the Makai, where I could find decent work, and
now that
I serve under Mukuro, I could spend the rest of my life in my homeworld,
and
never have to set foot in this dirty, ugly, noisy world of humans ever
again.
But *she*
is here.
And nothing
in my life has ever held me as strongly as she does.
Without her,
there is nothing for me, in the Ningenkai. Not even the
tenative friendships I have made with the others are strong enough
- or
lasting enough - to keep me returning, like she does.
Little
sister, there's so much I want to tell you, so much I'd love to know
about you.
I hope
you understand that, even if I cannot ever tell you so.
You can't
ever know how much it hurts me, to look into your eyes and lie to
you.
No, I
still haven't found your brother, I have to keep saying, whenever you
ask. No, I don't know where he is, or where he might be.
But I
promise to keep looking, until I find him, for you.
I promise.
Only for you.
I'll always
be there.
Look for
me, in the shadows.
I'll watch
over you forever, little sister.
Remember
that.
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