Anything I've ever written and have managed — through luck, blackmail, or horrific beatings — to get published somewhere is reproduced here. Read, enjoy, just don't sue me for libel ... it's all in good fun.

Unwanted Guests
Why USAPATRIOT is a BAD IDEA. Oops, I just tripled the size of my FBI file again ... This one got picked up by Yahoo!News.

Being an Asshole Isn't Racially Exclusive
The lighter side of racism.

When Shaqs Attack
Shaq disses Yao Ming and accidentally insults the entire Asian American community. He's obviously never read my column on racism.

Stupid is as Stupid Does
Why Jerry Bruckheimer should be tried as a war criminal for producing Pearl Harbor.

World Peace One Valentine at a Time
A cynical guide to Valentine's Day. Is there any other kind worth reading?

Becoming a Sniper in Three Easy Steps
Guns don't kill people — video games do.

All I Want for X-Mas is World Peace
A bleeding-heart liberal's Christmas list.

The Rising Cost of Internet Porn
I bet this is the only column you'll read.

American Gladiator
Political stuff about why war in the Middle East is bad — I was protesting the War on Iraq before it was fashionable. Has a funny picture for people who don't like to read.

Virtual Imagination
CGI graphics are be a beautiful thing ... but not as beautiful as Alyssa Milano.

Cartoon Crisis
Our nation's future is at stake. We need to act now!

All images and articles found on this site are property of me. Please don't steal. It makes little baby seals sad. More importantly, it makes my lawyer angry.