"Unrefined" American Ditzoid "Soils Ranks" of "Traditional" Japanese Bimbos

by Tim Young

J-pop purists are complaining bitterly since Mika, the American member of the Mini Moni singing group, is being considered for promotion to membership in Morning Musume, the pinnacle of Japanese "aidoru" singing success. Critics say she lacks the "hinkaku", or "dignity", necessary for Morning Musume membership.

"Morning Musume is a Japanese institution," said music critic Kenji Watanabe, one of the harshest critics of the promotion. "I don't believe that a foreigner can understand what it means to be Japanese, and thus participate in such a Japanese activity as performing with Morning Musume."

"You'll notice that, when the Mini Moni girls wear midriffs, Mika's isn't as revealing as the others'," Watanabe continued. "Like in the video for 'Crazy About You,' where her navel is just barely exposed, and besides that she's wearing a long coat, unlike the other girls. This is because navel-baring is a particular skill which only Japanese have perfected. You get some foreigner up there gyrating around with her navel showing, it just looks lewd. Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, they just look like hookers. But when a Japanese woman dances with her navel exposed, she does it with dignity. It's completely different."

Some diehards, unable to even consider the end of the Japanese monopoly on Morning Musume membership, contend that Mika should remain in the Mini Moni minor leagues regardless of how good she is at navel-exposed dancing.

Under the headline "We Don't Need Foreign MooMusu Members," Hiraki Akita wrote in an October magazine that Morning Musume has its roots in the spiritual and cultural soil of the Japanese people.

Morning Musume members, Akita argued, must equip themselves with Japanese grace, "overflowing with self-confidence, self-awareness, and self-restraint from top to toe," a state unobtainable by non-Japanese.

Since Akita is part of the promotion council at Up-Front Agency, which handles both Morning Musume and Mini Moni, his pronouncements are not taken lightly.

Despite performing admirably in the "Crazy for You" video, Mika was informed that she would have to wait and see how she performed in upcoming appearances on TV programs Music Station and Pop Jam. "We want to make doubly sure that Mika is really worthy to join Morning Musume, so we decided to wait," said Baka Yaro, head of Up-Front Agency.

"The way she bared her navel in the video did not look good," explained Yaro.

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