In reply to many a question this week I have decided top writ a rant upon the habitual and fashionable task‚ renovating. Renovation is bunk. And no amount of lifestyle shoes‚ strangely overweight builders‚ gay men ‚ or uselessly stupid women on such shoes will convince me over-wise. Now not to say that I don’t feel pity for these sell outs. They are only doing what the network pays them for. And of course apparently 2.3 million souls in my country watch this crap every week. These people are either‚ crazy‚ brainless‚ or genuinely like watching people do very little work to a poor saps previously wonderful home. These shows are very droll and always contain more picture of the shows hosts mucking about then any actual work being done. Wether or not they actually do the work is left for the view to think about (here is a hint‚ NO!). Almost all of the gardens eventually end up having lilly pilies in them (they have a nice edible fruit and smell great‚ but they do make a mess on a lawn‚ although I hate lawns so its just as well). Now these shows are also stereotyped to the hilt‚ the women do the house stuff‚ men do the building‚ and the gay guys do anything arty farty. This stereotypical view insults the men‚ the gay guys and the women. I hate it and it has to stop‚ I will kill someone if (program directors look out) it doesn’t. Not all gay men do arty farty things‚ they don’t all dress in bright colors or behave in the way they do on these shows‚ not all women like doing things indoors‚ or happen to like laying carpets and not all straight men build things (I don’t for one so there goes the for all statement by logic alone). I sure hate stereotypes and these shows. However to counter such a powerful foe darakat has decided to plan HIS perfect house and compare it to what they think is the perfect house. This will never happen on 7:30 slot TV. The Backyard: Should be Medium sized. It should have a small orchard on the down sloap with as many apples‚ pears‚ cherries and big fruit trees as possible. A small brick path should lead through to the veggie garden which should be 6 separate areas with the path giving good access to the rotation planting. Also there should be smaller fruit bering things‚ like raspberries‚ cumquats‚ limes‚ oranges‚ lemons‚ quinces‚ persimmons and lilly pillies if ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY the main garden should be rustic and have a native feel. Wattles‚ eucalyptus and kurrrajongs are the order of the day with native grass‚ banksia’s and other small natives making up the undergrowth with a few bottle brushes. I love natives and fruit trees. Also a small pond as a water feature. How many acres is that? only 2 we have all this in our garden right now on a pretty big block. Next door has a bigger yard and all there stuff was non native and died. Hah! For flowers‚ orchids‚ tulips‚ red and yellow roses‚ and my favorite flower happy wanderer should grow anywhere else. The House. Floors of colored and graded fiberglass. Yes you heard me. NO CARPET. NO LINYL. FIBERGLASS OR BUST! or wood‚ or tile. Ceilings: Should be shaded in blue and pastille whites to look like real sky. The light fittings: Sorry‚ there lights‚ I have no fing idea. Walls: Colors‚ lots of green‚ creme‚ blue‚ gray and browns. Furniture: Whatever goes‚ I like chairs with no nobly bits‚ lounge chair should on no account come from Ikea or have a trendy name. Curtains: They keep out the light‚ as long as they do that and are not pink‚ I am okay with it. TV‚ computers and other things in the house: MY CURRENT SET UP IS FINE DO NOT MESS WITH IT OR I WILL HURT YOU BEYOND THE PAIN THRESHOLD OF MEER MORTALS‚ IF YOU HAVE TO DO ANYTHING GIVE ME A GIFT VOUCER AND I WILL BUY THE DECENT STUFF! Now you know what I want in my house when I have the 3 million or so it will cost me to build‚ you can have a general appreciation of why I hate renovation shoes. Some explanation is necessary for the floors however. I hate carpet. Well not hate it so much as dislike it. Its nice to have feet in long pile of carpet‚ but dogs also like to tear it up and piss on it‚ since I plan to have at least 2 of the lovely creatures bounding about carpet is a no go. I also think wood is vulgar‚ being somewhat of green wood is very nice yes‚ but leave the forrest where it is‚ it looks nicer that way‚ and lasts for another 300 years at least. However wood that re-used or recycled is better. Also Lynal looks horrid. Tile is nice‚ but not for the whole house. Fiberglass is however relatively cheep (as cheep as the others anyway) and comes in colors‚ grades‚ with or without grip added‚ smokey bacon flavored or sour creme and chives. So that is the rant on renovations. It was requested by Taysca and written with the aid of 2 pots of coffee and small brown creature named Ada.