Biozombie, The Blob, Bride of Re-Animator, Bubba Ho Tep, Beast of Blood, Brain of Blood, Brides of Blood, Beast from 20,000 Fathoms. Just a few of the titles on my shelf beginning with the letter “B” that I could have used to review for my alphabet project. But now and again I get this feeling that between all the horror, kung-fu, exploitation and sci-fi, I tend to neglect crappy action movies. Last time I got this feeling, we wound up with the surprisingly entertaining Shaker Run. This time we’re not so lucky.
Some dickweed boat racer named Frank and his new bride take designer Jed’s experimental racing prototype out for a spin. In the middle of the fucking Bermuda Triangle, ‘cause that’s the name of the movie. Guess who disappears?
So Claudia has to watch after their daughter Wendy while Jed tries to figure out what went wrong with the boat and Harry explores the possibility that they were taken by the most famous phenomenon the sea has to offer. No, I’m not talking about scurvy, I meant the Triangle. Pay attention here. It makes my job so much easier. And stop snapping that gum in the back! Spit it out unless you brought enough for everyone! Damn kids.
Anyway, where was I? Oh, right. The little girl starts hearing her mom’s voice talking to her, telling her to come out onto the water to join her and Frank. Wendy steals a boat and takes off into the everglades (psst, the Bermuda Triangle is on the open ocean, you’re goin’ the wrong way!). Harry finds her with the help of a coastguard chopper, and has to explain that her mom is probably dead and never coming back, and that the voices aren’t real.
While Jed refuses to believe the Triangle took his friends, Harry is convinced that it did. So is Jill, Harry’s girlfriend, who is retarded enough to take a sailboat into the Triangle alone. I think you can probably figure out what happens next. Desperate to get her back, Harry goes to see some old kook professor who tells him that there are metaphysical doors floating around all over that part of the ocean. The prof’s wife found one and was taken in, but he was too afraid to follow.
Mind made up, Harry sets out to sea with Claudia to find the door that Jill fell through so they can be together for eternity. Jed races after them, getting Claudia off the boat just in time. Harry tells them to go back to shore and be happy together, and he stays out to find his door. A coastguard cutter intercepts his boat the next day, and there’s no one aboard.
The first of many problems that this movie has, is that it was filmed in Florida, America’s schlong. The result of shooting your movie in Florida is that a) your movie will look just like Devilfish, and b) that your movie will look like it was shot in a retirement community. Because old people seem to like hanging out in our country’s genitalia.
The second problem is that it was executive produced by Hugh Hefner, and even has the Playboy logo in the end credits, but there’s no damn titties! What the hell good is a Playboy movie with no titties? And furthermore, what inspired Hef to invest in this piece of crap? He sure as shit didn’t make any money off it. I can’t imagine anyone was dumb enough to actually pay to see it. Oh, shut up.
The final problem, and one could argue the biggest one (although no titties is a pretty big problem), is that NOTHING FUCKING HAPPENS THE ENTIRE MOVIE. The movie promises to take us beyond the Bermuda Triangle, to reveal the mystical secrets of the forces behind the Triangle, and nothing! No aliens, no ancient power crystals, no bubble bursts, no sea monsters, nothing! We see a couple of compasses going wonky. That’s it. That’s the extent of our investigation of the powers of the Bermuda Triangle. Wonky compasses.
Now to be honest, I wasn’t expecting an epic. I wasn’t even expecting anything much more than a feature-length episode of that god-awful warm-n-fuzzy Twilight Zone ripoff that Spielberg used to make. I didn’t even get that. What I got was a bunch of poorly rehearsed and clumsily blocked two-shots of people having conversations that suggest something cool might happen with the Bermuda Triangle. What I got was 70 minutes of the most stiflingly boring not-even-good-enough-for-a-TV-movie crap that anyone has ever put on film.
What I got was what I damn well deserved for eeny meeny miney moe-ing it at the video store and deciding on this stupid movie over a movie called Black Ninja. Granted, the ninja in question was neither black, nor even oriental. It would have been one of those Godfrey Ho specials with ninjas who look like Doug Henning. But hell, at least that would have been fun to watch. Tell you what, how ‘bout I just go back to the store and trade Beyond the Bermuda Triangle for Black Ninja, and we’ll swap reviews. We don’t have to tell Anubis. Sssssshhhh. Wait, no, I said don’t tell! Dammit, come back here! I promise Black Ninja will be better! I promise I’ll actually have something funny to say about it! Damn you kids, you get…oh. Hey boss. Heh. Uh, no, no I wasn’t trying to get out of this review. I’d never do that. Everything’s fine here. I don’t know what they were talking about.
Ooh, as soon as he gets drunk and falls asleep with his dick in that watermelon tonight, you are gonna get the beating of your life. And then I’m going to tie you to a chair and force you to watch Beyond the Bermuda Triangle.
The Moral of the Story: : Remember, if you re-arrange the letters in “democrat”, it spells “rat demon”.
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