"I love you" "I know, baby, I love you too" he kissed me softly and went back to sleep. I stayed like that, looking at him, thinking how lucky I was. He was everything I'd ever asked for and I can't stop thinking about that. In front of me laid my husband, Shane Steven Filan, the man I'd loved for all these times. But something was missing. something wasn't right. there's a hole inside my heart. I got up and dressed before proceeding into the living room. I sat in the sofa and looked around the room. This little room had been the witness of my happiness, my pain, my love, my tears and soon I was going to leave this place for a better place. That place is going to be better, bigger, cleaner, but emptier. it won't have all the memories like what this room had shared with me. My mind started going back into the memories I had in this room. how I laughed out of joy when Shane proposed me. how I cried in fear when I found out I was pregnant. how this room was filled with joy when we brought home Sarah-Jayne, our little baby. and how much pain I have to go through when Sarah-Jayne was taken from us. Sarah-Jayne. our little baby. our little gem. our little bundle of joy. she was such a strong bond between Shane and me. She was what makes me and Shane bond stronger, even stronger from the strong bond we've shared earlier. our precious love. our love that had been taken away at such young age. I took a little framed picture from the fireplace. It was a picture of a beautiful baby girl. Sarah-Jayne Louise Filan. My baby, Shane's baby, our love. How beautiful she was. how small and fragile she was. how we had her future mapped in front of us. and how the cruel fate took her away from us. I started to sob. slowly it turned into a cry. why must fate be that cruel? Why must they take her away from us? Why? Why can't it take someone else's baby? Why Sarah-Jayne? MY Sarah-Jayne??? We were so happy together. just the three of us. Until Shane decided it was time to introduce us to the press. He wanted to go honest to his fans. He didn't want to hide Sarah-Jayne and me after the 3 years we spent together. He wanted the world to know that he loves me and our baby. how happy I was on his decision. how I didn't know that it would lead to such thing. losing my Sarah-Jayne It was all right at first, but then it started to go mad. Everything I do was as if everybody was watching me. Everybody was watching me, everybody was looking at me. I had to be calm, I had to be strong. It was all for Shane, for the father of my Sarah-Jayne. I love Shane, he loves me, and we love Sarah-Jayne. We must stand tough together in whatever happens. Little by little the pressure grows stronger and stronger. I couldn't help it anymore. I was breaking down, I was losing it. I feared all things for myself, for Sarah-Jayne, for Shane. I started to lock myself inside the flat. I wouldn't go out. and it wasn't long before I locked Sarah-Jayne in with me. penetrating all our problems and sent Shane into his explosion of anger. He was mad at me for being like that. I was scared of everything. Everything. I just wanted Sarah-Jayne and Shane. I didn't want anything else. I didn't want all the photographers following me. I didn't want any newspaper phoning me saying that Shane had affairs with girls on tours. I didn't want magazines offering money to take pictures of Sarah-Jayne. I didn 't want fans to see Sarah-Jayne and me as Shane Westlife's family. I didn't want to any of that, but they were all inevitable. I couldn't let go any of those with this life Shane led. Until one day when I really couldn't stand it anymore. I locked Sarah-Jayne and myself in our room, refusing to go out even for a single second. Shane begged us to come out. My parents came to help Shane. Shane's band mates came to help him. Even my friends came too. Everybody tried to get me out of the room, but none of them succeed. I was scared, and their shouts and yells scared me even more. Shane couldn't stand any little more when Sarah-Jayne started crying and screaming. I tried to comfort her, but nothing seemed to work. It was as if she knew that her dad was outside, wanting her and me to come out. I tried and tried to calm her down, comfort her, but she kept screaming and crying. I lost my temper and screamed, yelled, shouted at her. my baby, my little Sarah-Jayne. Eventually, at that time, Shane barged in, not caring if he'd kicked down the door. He went in to see me screaming at a baby, yelling at an innocent crying baby, shouting at Sarah-Jayne. He snatched her and took her into his arms, and it sent me in hysterics. I didn't recognise Shane anymore. I was in hysterics, screaming to Shane who I said was going to kidnap my baby. Mark and Bryan had to hold me from attacking Shane, and that was when everybody in the room realised that I've lost it. I've lost the battle with all the pressure. and that I was no more of what I used to be. Shane gave Sarah-Jayne to my parents to be taken care of while he was handling me. I was still in hysterics but I somehow managed to calm down once Shane hand me Sarah-Jayne's teddy bear. I rocked it slowly, sang lullaby and kissed it softly, "look at Sarah-Jayne. She's beautiful, isn't she, Shane?" Shane cried in despair and everybody left. Leaving me and Shane to spend time on our own. Shane knew what he should do and that this was going to be our last night together. He led me slowly into our bedroom and tucked me into bed, whispering that everything will be all right. And here I am now. sitting in the middle of the living room. going to leave everything for a new home. "Sweetie, go back to bed, Sarah-Jayne is waiting for you" Shane suddenly showed up from nowhere behind me. "Sarah-Jayne? Is she OK?" I stood up, concerned, walking briskly into the bedroom, not looking at Shane. I picked the little teddy bear in the bed, "Oh baby, don't worry. Mummy's here, sweetie. Nobody's going to hurt you. You're safe, baby, safe." I rocked it gently. I put it in Sarah-Jayne's crib and once I was sure it was safe, I went back to bed, slipping under the blanket beside Shane and went back to sleep. Nothing is going to take Sarah-Jayne away from me. nothing.
***
Shane looked at her wife as she was being shown what was to be her room for the rest of her life. He was nearly in tears. How they've had their future planned for him, for her, and for Sarah-Jayne. And how everything is ruined by this. this. Never has he realised that Natasha was being pressured by the press' hassle. Sure, he knows that it would hassle her in a way. But he'd never thought that it would be this bad. That it would make her scared of the world, that it would finally made her lose her mind. He felt a hand on his shoulder and saw Emily, Natasha's twin-sister, holding Sarah-Jayne in her arms. "I'm sorry Shane. But she had really lost it. You wouldn't be able to take care of her and Sarah-Jayne with the life you're leading. If you let her, she can harm Sarah-Jayne. You wouldn't want that. Never" Shane nodded, "But I love her, Em, I love her so much. Where's the Natasha I used to love? The one who's going to spend the rest of her lifetime with me and Sarah-Jayne?" he bit his lip. "What am I going to tell Sarah-Jayne when she asks about her mum?" "Shane, you're a nice guy. I'm sure you will find someone else who can love you and Sarah-Jayne the way Natasha used to love you both. Someone who'll be stronger to face everything in the life you're living in. Someone who you're going to spend the rest of your lifetime with. You will, Shane, you will." she smiled at him, trying to assure him as much as she tried to assure herself. "Thank you, Emily. Thanks" he hugged her. Emily and Sarah-Jayne soon disappeared as a nurse led Natasha back to Shane for a final goodbye. "Shane, look at Sarah-Jayne, she's sleeping beautifully," she said referring to the teddy bear in her arms. Shane smiled bitterly, "I know, sweetie. She' s as beautiful as you." He kissed the teddy's head. "I have to go now sweetie. I will see you again next week" he kissed her forehead. Natasha didn't budge, she kept looking at her teddy bear and singing lullaby. The nurse slowly led her back into her room and Shane sighed as they walked away. Just before she entered her room, she turned to look at him and crooked a smiled. A smile that used to mean all the love and care for Shane. a smile that he used to beg for. a smile that used to send shivers down his spine. a smile that used to mean the world to him. and now the smile was empty. as empty as her eyes and her mind. her heart.
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