Chapter 30
Dear Mark,
I’ve written you about a hundred letters already. Letters like this one that I have no intention of giving to you at all. I wonder why I keep doing this. It’s pointless. You’ll never get to read them anyway. No one will. Maybe I’m using it as a way of telling you how I feel without letting you know the truth. I don’t know. Maybe it’s a stupid form of therapy or something.
It’s been such a crazy week. You’re suddenly back in my life, ruining everything when everything is going fine. Living without you is much better than living and seeing you and Alessia together. I have to admit that, living life isn’t living at all when living is without you.
It’s really so hard. I know we’ve talked about this before. We’ve agreed to be friends even after all the things we’ve been through. Verbally, I said yes but my heart was screaming for me to disagree. I can’t live being just your friend. It isn’t right. I still love you. It’s so unfair. I blame myself every night for loving you. It’s just so unfair. Why can’t I move on like everyone else can? Why can’t I get you out of my head and my heart when you’ve already gotten me out of your life?
I’ve written a poem last night. I don’t know if it sucks but it’s exactly how I feel. I don’t know how much more I can take of this, Mark. It just isn’t right…
Untitled
I see you standing in a corner,
And I wonder if you see me looking.
I wish time would just freeze forever,
‘cause I can’t get over this feeling.
I recall the times you’ve made me cry,
Because of the pain I feel inside
I sometimes feel like my heart would die
As you come and sit right by my side
It hurts me when I see you with her
But I just smile and keep it all inside
You’re so happy each time you’re together
I wish someday I’ll be the one that’s at your side.
If only you feel what I’m feeling
You’ll know how hard it is to love you
And you’ll know how much I’m suffering
‘cause I know I can again never have you.
Mark folded the letter and placed it in his pocket. Tears were running down his face but he was smiling. The letter made him cry because it was so sad. He wiped his tears away as he headed back inside the hotel. People might think he was crazy if they saw him like that.
The letter gave him hope. He knew Toni was lying when she told him that she didn’t love him. She wasn’t a good liar and she was a very transparent person. You’ll find out straight away if she wants something or hates it. She didn’t need to tell you what she wanted to say. Even if she said another thing you’d know she meant the other. Her emotions are quickly read through her face.
He went to his room and plopped himself on the bed. He looked around him, noticing something was different. Alessia’s things were nowhere to be found. He smiled, kicking off his shoes. He didn’t even see her for the whole day. He was quite worried though as well as curious as to where she was. After all, she is his girlfriend and he did love her. He rolled to his side, reaching for the phone. He suddenly realized he didn’t know the room number of Alessia’s band mates. Too tired to think and to get up, he placed the phone down on the receiver and fell asleep on the soft, fluffy pillows.
Toni knocked on the door, suddenly regretting that she did. It was already dawn, and she still hadn’t slept yet. She stayed up in her hotel room, playing the events that happened over and over in her head. She kept on thinking if she did the right thing. She broker her own heart as well as Mark’s in order not to get Alessia hurt. No matter what happened between them, Alessia was still her friend and Toni didn’t want to hurt her more than she did before. Toni felt quite proud of herself. She unselfishly gave up being with Mark who she really loves just to make someone else happy. But was it right for her to do so? A nagging voice was telling her it wasn’t. What she did was also selfish in a way, because she didn’t give Mark a chance to be truly happy. She took away from him his happiness by taking her love away from him for her own personal purpose and that is, not to make Alessia unhappy. It wasn’t Alessia’s fault really. A lot of people thought she was the reason why Mark and Toni couldn’t get back together. Partly, yes, she was the reason but if you look at is closely, it’s Mark and Toni’s fault. They were both too filled with pride to say they’re sorry and too afraid to admit that they still love each other.
Toni was about to turn around and leave when the door opened. “Hi.” he said as he turned his back toward her and gestured for her to come in. “I’m really so sorry for barging in on you like this at such an early hour.” she said as they headed for the balcony. The room was huge, just exactly like hers. It had peach colored wallpapers that almost looked cream colored. There was a rich mahogany desk at the right far side of the room and a huge mirror was mounted in front of it. There was a small couch and a television at the other side. Clothes, bags, magazines and all sorts of other things were strewn everywhere and all over the floor, making Toni quite curious. She knew he could be quite messy but not this messy. “I’ll be with you in a sec. I just need to check on something.” he said as he disappeared into a corner where the bed was located. Toni proceeded into the lobby, not daring to look at the bed. “It would be quite embarrassing if she was there.” she thought, breathing in the fresh morning air. She could almost see the sun as it began to rise from its deep sleep, touching the grim night sky with it’s red orange finger tips.