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These are mainly one liners I've collected over the years.  There are also several specific topics below, linked here:

General THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK, BUT CAN'T! 101 Things One Should Never Say During Sex Porn Movie Titles Useful Phrases Ways to say "dumb" Actual Performance Reports Confucius Say At that sweet, passionate moment, you say... Top Ten E-mail Addresses Rejected Dr. Seuss Books Riddles Greeting Cards Pickup Lines The Top 20 ways to tell someone his fly is unzipped Cynic's Dictionary Cop humor Definitions

Other fun and interesting stuff: (hey, if "MTV" can show music only 20 minutes a day, I can post other stuff)

Trivia: Some interesting Facts???

General

God always did like you best.
Save the world too often, it begins to expect it.
Warning: dates on calendar are closer than they appear!
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
It was all so different before everything changed.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted before!
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four....  Unless there are three other  people with me.
I went to the race track and bet on a horse that was so good that it took seven others to beat him!
Sex is not only good for your heart,... but if you do it right, it can also add a healthy luster to her hair.
Support your local police force: Break a few laws today!
"They laughed at Einstein. They laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown"  - Carl Sagan
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
If you can�t read this, you�re illiterate
Feel disillusioned? I've got some great new illusions!
If we can put a man on the Moon, then why can't we put a man on the Moon?
Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context.
I just need enough to tide me over until I need more!
A woman's definition of the perfect husband: A man who is convinced he has the perfect  wife.
Wow, I wonder how long I would be on hold if my call wasn't important to them.
Tomorrow is the second day of the rest of your life
It's o.k. to laugh during sex... just don't point!
"Love" is staying up all night with a sick child, or with a healthy adult
In God we trust, all others are suspects
Save the whales.  Collect the whole set.
Work hard, millions of people on welfare are depending on you
"It depends on what the meaning of the word is is."  Slick Willie Clinton
There are 10 kinds of people in the world; those who understand binary, and those who don't
A day without sunshine is like -- night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I just got lost in thought.  It was unfamiliar territory.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
You have the right to remain silent.  Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
If at first you don't succeed keep sucking till you do succeed
If God had intended for man to use the metric system, Jesus would have only had ten disciples
I just need enough to tide me over until I need more!
Computer Programmer's Credo #73:  Documentation is like sex: When it is good, it is very good; and when it's bad, it's still better than nothing at all.
Support wildlife: Vote for an orgy!
We were happily married for eight months. Unfortunately, we were married for five years
This universe shipped by weight, not by volume.   Some expansion of the contents may have occurred during shipment.
Does this condom make me look fat?
Snatch a kiss...  or vice-versa
Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease
My home church welcomes all denominations, but mainly they prefer tens and twenties.
Despite their other contributions to our society, lawyers can still be a great source of protein.
Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes a free annual trip around the sun!
There is nothing wrong with abstinence, in moderation.
Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
I told her that she was like a fine wine... and I am like a corkscrew.
If today is the first day of the rest of your life, then what the hell was yesterday?
"If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning."   A. Onassis
Everybody complains about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.
The average income of the modern teenager is about 2 a.m.
Home is where the hurt is.
If you have to ask why it's great, it isn't.
Workers at the Federal Mint went on strike today.  They are demanding to make less money.
A fool and his honey are soon parted.
I am not "going bald", I'm "getting more head."
Will you loan me $20 and only give me ten of it? That way, you will owe me ten, and I'll owe you ten,  and we'll be even!
Remember: No tree is too big for a short dog to lift his leg on.
Did you hear that two rabbits escaped from the zoo and so far they have only been able to recaptured 116 of them?
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.  In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.  In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
My husband bought me a mood ring the other day.  When I'm in a good mood, it turns orange....   When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead!
I don't have any body piercings, but I feel like I'm getting two every time my girlfriend looks at me.
When my wife says, "Do you know what we need to do?" it's a pretty safe bet that she doesn't really mean "we."
Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
Which came first, the liar or the politician?
My body is a temple.  Do you want to come over for midnight mass?
Save the trees ... Wipe your butt with an owl.
I'm going to live forever, or die trying.
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
Stupidity got us into this mess, why can't it get us out?
The meek shall inherit the earth, if that's OK with you
No one under 17 admitted without a keyboard.
If you had everything, where would you keep it?
My wife made me join a bridge club.  I jump off next Saturday.
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
If a gay man marries a lesbian, is the marriage legal?
Sterility is hereditary
If you don't like oral sex, keep your mouth shut.
Two Wrongs Don't Make A Right, But Three Lefts Do.
Constipated people don't give a shit.
A man was admitted to the hospital suffering from premature ejaculation. The doctors said it was touch and go.
Vote Democratic... It's easier than getting a job.
Practice safe sex, go fuck yourself.
My doctor was on vacation, but the wait to see him was no longer than usual.
When men send flowers for no reason, there's a reason.
If it happens, it must be possible.
Smile... people will wonder what you've been up to.
Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
Rose's are red, Violet's are blue, and mine are white.
Middle age is when broadness of mind and narrowness of waist exchange places.
Opportunities always look greater when lost than when found.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Experience is a wonderful thing.  It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it  again.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
That that is is not that that is not.
"Atlee is a very modest man.  And with reason."  - Winston Churchill
Racial prejudice is a pigment of the imagination.
Some things have got to be believed to be seen.
I put the "fun" in dysfunctional.
The cause of problems are solutions!
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away and barefoot.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.
The days of the digital watch are numbered.
The Vatican Express Card. Don't leave Rome without it.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
People who live in glass houses shouldn't
Patience is a virtue that carries a lot of wait
People say I'm apathetic, but I don't care.
Your call is important to us, but not important enough for us to hire enough people to answer the phone.
I'd consider taking up cross-country skiing if it was a very small country.
My last girlfriend was such a liar she faked orgasms when she masturbated.
Never mind the facts - I know what I know.
Did you hear that Captain Hook died from jock itch?
The Cuban national anthem? "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying, "Yo"
I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget.
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Never say, "Oops!"; always say, "Ah, interesting!"
Three men walk into a bar....  the fourth guy ducks...........
If a man says something in the forest, and there is no woman around to hear him, is he  still wrong?
Let's conserve water the French way: Stop bathing.
I have plenty of respect for the Lord; it's his fan club that I can't stand.
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
Don't get old, you will live to regret it.
Xerox never comes up with anything original.
It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.
Send more tourists..... the last ones were delicious!
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
Life would be easier if I had the source code.
According to my dogs, the devil is alive and well and living in my vacuum cleaner.
My reality check bounced.
Quasimodo is a dead ringer.
Men often make passes at girls who drain glasses.
Plagiarism is the sincerest form of flattery.
Psychoceramics: The study of crackpots.
Life is tough. It's tougher when you're stupid.
Life is only as long as you live it.
My bathroom scales are also beginning to show signs of inflation.
Make like a banana and split.
Make like a drum and beat it!
Pobody's Nerfect!
Red ship crashes into blue ship - sailors marooned.
Tact: knowing how far to go too far.
Simon says: don't be so suggestible
Pi R squared. Nooo! Pie R round, cornbread R square!
Poets go from bad to verse.
Home is where you hang your @.
This is the Honor System Virus. Please forward this to everybody you know and then  delete some critical files from your computer. Thank you.
Quick!!  Act as is nothing happened.
If money won't make you happy, you won't like poverty either.
I, too, got too big for my britches, so I bought bigger britches.
Justice: A decision in your favor.
Junk: stuff we throw away. Stuff: junk we keep.
Money won't buy you happiness but it does let you choose your form of misery.
You have just reached the last page of the Internet.  Now turn off you computer and go  outside and play!
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places
Now that I've given up hope I feel much better...
All I want is a little more than I can spend!
Girlfriends are like credit cards, you can't get one unless you already have one.
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
Neurotic: Self-taut person.
My dog can lick anyone
It's not the principle of the thing, it's the money.
It's not pretty being easy
The most popular labor saving device today is still a husband with money.
Is it my imagination, or do most people meet the right one after they've married the  wrong one?
Windows is not a virus. Viruses do something!
I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a good one.
The young know the rules, the old know the exceptions.
The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.
Tact: making a point without making an enemy.
Not many people realize just how well known I am.
Never use a preposition to end a sentence with.
Who's the cruel person that put the "s" in the word "lisp?"
Nothing is ever so bad that it can't get worse.
90% of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
A yeer ago I kudnt spel jeanyus now I are won.
It's hard to be serious when you're naked.
Buy your lottery tickets the day after the drawing for half price. You have just as much  chance of winning.
The more I learn about women the more I love them. I think I will keep studying.
Why do you get paid more for sperm than blood? Sperm is handmade.
How do pigs talk? Swine language
What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner? The cold shoulder.
Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!
What's the definition of a vagina? The box a penis comes in.
What do you call a truckload of vibrators? Toys for Twats.
What's "68"? You do me and I owe you one.
Smoking is a leading cause of statistics.
Of all the people I've met you're certainly one of them.
Out to Lunch - If not back at five, Out to Dinner!
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most
It's easy to be brave from a safe distance.
It's hard to RTFM when you can't find the FM
Some weeks you really need Saturday on a Wednesday
I don't know where beer fits into the food pyramid, but I have always considered my  glass of wine to be a fruit.
It's not what you wear, it's how you take it off
tis better to have loved and lost than to have stayed married to a jerk for the rest of yr life
A job is nice but it interferes with my life.
It said "Insert disk #3", but only two will fit!
It really bothers me when people cut me o.�.
It is much easier to be critical than to be correct.
Hi there! My name is Tony. But my friends call me Tony.
It compiled, first screen came up?? Ship it!    --Bill Gates
It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
It did what? Well, it's not supposed to do that.
The worst thing about censorship is ********
Ham and Eggs.  Just a day's work for a chicken but a lifetime commitment for a pig.
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
He was a very clumsy lover, so the girl had to put him in her place.
Everyone brings joy to this world - some by arriving, most by leaving.
I found the perfect law firm to handle my divorce.  Doberman, Pincher, & Rottweiler.
This is a Tagline mirror ][ rorrim enilgaT a si sihT
George Washington's brother was the uncle of our country.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else!
Meditation is not what you think.
I keep adjusting the brightness control on my TV but it's still as stupid as ever.
How do I feel?  Great!  And I kiss pretty good, too!
Inferiority complex: conviction by a jury of your fears.
April showers bring May flowers, and Mayflowers bring Pilgrims.
Inertia makes the world go round.
It matters not whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win  or lose.
Should I or shouldn't I?... Too late, I did!
Shoot your program and put it out of its memory!
Streetwalkers slogan: It's a business to do pleasure with you.
Shareware author dies: .GIF at eleven!
If my computer performs one more illegal operation, I'm going to report it to the  authorities.
TriEthyl TriMary TriEthylagain
In case of emergency, break glass. Scream. Bleed to death.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar.
Now is not a good time to annoy me.
If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.
Why did you read this?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need, a man wants every woman to satisfy  his one need.
Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it.
The box said 'Requires Windows 98, or better.'  So I bought a Macintosh.
A seminar on time travel will be held in two weeks ago.
The reason people ask questions is because you can't ask answers.
Life sucks, but Death swallows!
I've been too fucking busy, and vice versa.
Women are nothing but sex objects, whenever I mention sex, they object.
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
Is this a rhetorical question, or is this a rhetorical question ...
Everything can be filed under "Miscellaneous."
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the  rest of the day.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Old MacDonald had a computer with an EIE I/O.
Ok, I pulled the pin. Now what?  Where are you going?
Every time someone predicts the date of the end of the world, God pushes the date back a  little, just to be funny.
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
"I don't question YOUR existence." � God
If God is inside us, then I hope he likes fajita's, cause that's what he's getting tonight.
Jesus Saves! By using double coupons and shopping wisely.
Confession without repentance is just bragging.
Do I believe in the Bible? Hell, man, I've seen one!
Heck is a place for people who don't believe in Gosh.
Go thou and sin more creatively next time.
Sorry I missed church, I've been busy practicing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
Give me some of that old-time Religion...Hail Zeus!
In a crisis call for Isis!
In the name of the Old Man, The Kid, and the Spook, Amen.
Heavenly Basketball:  Jesus Saves... Passes to Moses. Shoots........He SCORES!
That was Zen. this is Tao.
Sects, sects, sects. Is that all you monks ever think about?
The Bible tells us to love our neighbours, and also to love our enemies, probably because  they are generally the same people
Birth, life, death. Repeat as necessary.
I disbelieved in reincarnation in my last life, too.
Adam to Eve: I'll wear the plants in this family!
I am an agnostic pagan. I doubt the existence of many gods.
Why settle for the lesser of two evils?
Photons have mass!?  I didn't even know they were Catholic...
A diagnostic is someone who doesn't know whether there are two gods.
I don't care WHO you are, quit walking on the water while I'm fishing!
A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as  close together as possible.
I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet!
Oh no, not another learning experience!
One man's upload is another man's download
Did you hear about the two gay irishmen, Patrick Fitsgerald and Gerald FitsPatrick?
There's nothing wrong with my wife that a miracle won't cure.
What can 4 women do better than 3 women? Me.
i'M NEW TO THIS. wHAT IS THIS "cAPS lOCK" BUTTON FOR?
Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?
If marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.
�, and I said to him, "Be fruitful and multiply," but not in those words.
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...
Who is Mike Rosoft and why does the Justice Department want to break him up?
If it's stupid and works, then it isn't stupid.
I xeroxed a mirror.  Now I have an extra xerox machine.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
It isn't that life is short. It's that death is so long.
In case of fire, yell "FIRE!"
The main cause of men's lying is the fact that women insist on asking too many questions
Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.
The world is coming to an end.  Please log off and save your work.
Whether you believe you can do a thing or not, you are right.
Where am I going, and what am I doing in this handbasket?
The early bird still has to eat worms.
If it's not broke, let me take a crack at it.
It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
When potatos are outlawed, only outlaws will have potatos.
I locked my coat-hanger in the car. Good thing I had a key.
Having a vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If it works, tear it apart and find out why!
I tried to get a life once, but they were out of stock
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser
If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.
All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
A wife is a woman who is a husband's bitter half.
Don't worry about avoiding temptation.  As you grow older, it will avoid you.
Don't take life so seriously ... it's not permanent.
Know yourself; if you need help, call the FBI
If money could talk, it would say goodbye.
Beer isn't just for breakfast any more.
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
If I can be of any help . . . you're in worse shape than I thought.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
You can observe a lot just by watching
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name
"Conscience" is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left
It takes many nails to build a crib but one screw to fill it
People who lives in glass houses should change clothes in the basement
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
A woman's favorite position is CEO.
thou shalt not admit adultery
Still crazy after all these beers
Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Do I look like a fucking people person?
I have a bottomless pit of needs & wants.
You have the time of your life because you never know, you really may only live once.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
Better living through denial.
I give advice worth the price....free!
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
This message transmitted on 100% recycled electrons.
Do you realize that the average American has one breast and one testicle?
Wine me, Dine me, 69 me!
Sex is one of the most beautiful and natural things that money can buy
It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
The problem with all the Born-Again�s is that they usually come back as themselves
Graffiti found in universities and colleges: Someday, I will get smart and leave this place.
Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
don't worry about dying, it's the last thing you're going to do �
I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful gal enters the room.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
An orgasm is a gland finale.
If tomorrow never comes, then, you're dead.
Did you know that "verb" is a noun?
Being healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown, & fewer still to ignore someone completely
I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone.
It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbour's newspaper,  that's the time to do it.
This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your  land.
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot,  and a great big bag of money.
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour,  imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.
you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
Allow me to introduce my selves.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
So many freaks, so few circuses.
Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
And just how may I screw you over today?
It is hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.
The main cause of divorce is marriage.
The future is not what it used to be.
I started out with nothing...and I still have most of it left.
Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse?
If money is the root of all evil, why do churches want it so badly?
Every time I find the meaning of life, they change it.
I fear that one day I'll meet God, he'll sneeze, and I won't know what to say.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
Remember, the lesser of two evils is still evil.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
If women knew what men were thinking, they'd never stop slapping us.
Good Girls Go To Heaven. Bad Girls Go Everywhere.
Nonconformists are all alike.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
A Zen master once said to me "Do the opposite of whatever I tell you." So I didn't.
Life is a sexually transmitted disease.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Sign at church: "Come early to get a back seat."
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every bit of it.
I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With Assholes!
A gentleman always remembers a lady's birthday, but never her age.
Learn from the mistakes of others.  You don't have time to make them all yourself.
Firms keep going out of their way to give me credit. For that, I'm deeply indebted.
It's too bad that stupidity isn't painful.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Have you ever noticed how nothing is impossible for those who don't have to do it?
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Inflation is when the buck doesn't stop anywhere.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves,
after marriage, the 'y' becomes silent
I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
I'm objective; I object to everything.
Have a nice day... somewhere else.
It's been Monday all week.
They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.
Drilling for oil is boring.
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.
I'm back by popular demand.
My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories ...
I love oral sex; it's the phone bill I hate.
Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody.
Ask me about my vow of silence.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Today's subliminal message is: (                )
Take my advice, I'm not using it.
A fool and his money are a girl's best friend.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We're OK Now
IRS -- Be Audit You Can Be
Wanted:  Meaningful Overnight Relationship
If At First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't For You
The short answer is no, the long answer is yes.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
I spend a lot of money on booze, babes and fast cars....The rest, I just squander.
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Bumper Sticker: Warning! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.
You Have The Right To Remain Silent, So Please Shut The Fuck Up!
I'm weird but around here, it's not noticeable.
Thank you for pot smoking.
Please tell your pants its not polite to point.
Remember folks: stop lights timed for 35mph are also timed for 70mph
Ax Me About Ebonics
Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.
Scientists have discovered a food to diminish a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called  wedding cake.
Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
I've had a wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
Don't piss me off!  I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
next mood swing: 6 minutes
I hate everybody, and you're next
please don't make me kill you
and your point is?
I'm busy, you're ugly, have a nice day
rememeber my name � you'll be screaming it later
you know you want me
don't worry � it'll only seem kinky the first time
why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
I'm multitalented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time
you, me, whipped crream, handcuffs, any questions?
you have the right to remain silent, so please shut up
all stressed out and no one to choke
I'm one of those bad things that happen to good poeple
how can I miss you if you won't go away?
sorry if I look interested, I'm not
if we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap , and easy
Just because I don't care, doesn't mean I don't understand.
My girlfriend said I needed to be more affectionate so I've got two girlfriends now.
Palindromes date all the way back to Eve.
What's this string on my finger for?
Save your breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date!
Have you seen Quasimodo? I have a hunch he's back!
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.
A woman's place is in the home... And she should go directly there, right after work.
Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
If God had meant for us to (walk around) naked, we'd have been born that way.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
The best place to find happiness is in the mirror!
He ran the gamut from A to B
I worship the quicksand he walks in.
Meet me under the mistletoe
When a girl says "No" she really means "Yes"; but not with you.
Money is the stuff you use when all of your credit cards are maxed-out.
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
I hate to be the one to break the news, but the 90's don't end until 2001 either.
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
Women! First they marry you for your money....  then they divorce you for it!
The good old days are in the future!
Why do vegetarians murder innocent, defenseless plants? They can't even run away...
Older people who read the bible a great deal aren't cramming for finals, they are looking for loopholes.
When my husband and I went to get our marriage license, the clerk asked if my previous  marriage ended in DEATH or DIVORCE. I didn't know I had a choice.
Despite the continued high cost of living, it remains more popular than the alternative.
Hi! I can't remember your name either.
Religious freedom, also means freedom FROM religion!
I can't be overdrawn, I still have plenty of checks left!
Experience is a wonderful thing.
It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
I didn't cheat, I just changed the rules!
Guests who kill their talk show hosts. On the last Donahue.
I doubt therefore I might be.
I distinctly remember forgetting that.
I don't care if I'm apathetic.
I had amnesia once or twice.
How come people who want to share their religious views with you never want you to  share yours with them?
Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do on a rainy afternoon.
Girls get minks the same way minks get minks.
I just do what the voices inside my head tell me to do
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now
It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.
I am reading a very interesting book about anti-gravity.  I just can't put it down.
My designated driver drove me to drink
I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
Two people in every one is a schizophrenic.
I went on a 30-day diet - and lost 30 days!
I wouldn't touch the Metric System with a 3.048m pole!
I'm in shape ... Rounds a shape isn't it?
I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
I'm not loafing. I work so fast I'm always finished.
The closest thing he had to a brainstorm was a slow drizzle.
Do me, or not do me.  That is the question.
I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this?
Give a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day.   Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for  the rest of his life.
I'm so broke, I can't even pay attention.
Write your questions down on the back of $20 dollar bill and send them to me.
I've told you a million times not to exaggerate.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
I don't have an attitude problem.  You have a perception problem.
Aromatherapy makes scents.
Why can't life have an "undo" button?
I've got Parkinson's disease. And he's got mine.
I've got a mind like a.. a.. what's that thing called?
I called the TV lawyer to talk about my pain and suffering because his commercials are  killing me.
Toilet seats should be returned to their upright and locked positions.
'Veni, Vidi, Velcro' - I came, I saw, I stuck around.
I had no shoes � man no feet, so I said, "Hey, you got any shoes you're not using?"
Half this game is 90% mental
driver's license: she got an F in sex
25% of married men kiss their wife good-bye when they leave the house;
of these, 90% will kiss their house good-bye when their wife leaves.
I've had fun before. This isn't it.
My microwave dinner tastes like the picture on the box.
Quadruplets: Four crying out loud.
The International Alzheimer's Association is publishing a newsletter.
It doesn't cost much;  they send out the same issue every month.
Socialism is the equal distribution of poverty.
The government banned pyramid schemes so that the Social Security system would have  a monopoly on them.
Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.
Diplomacy gets you out of what tact would have kept you out of.
If you see an onion ring, answer it!
I believe some people should mistake glue sticks for chapstick.
Rehab Is for quitters
Stupidity should hurt.
So a dyslexic walks into a bra . . .
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?  It changes their blood type.
How can you tell if your wife is dead?  The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?  Money
What's the definition of oral sex?  The taste of things to come.
My wife's measurements are small, medium, and large and in that order.
It is nice to be important, but it is more important to be nice.
If at first you don't succeed, call it v1.0!
It is bad luck to be superstitious.
You see smart guys with dumb women, but never a smart woman with a dumb guy.
Every time I try to make my marriage more exciting, my wife finds out about it right  away.
Bill and Hillary: 100% fact free.
How do you get a nun pregnant?  Dress her up as an alter boy.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you  criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes
If you drink don't park. Accidents cause people.
Clones are people two.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
Ground Beef: A Cow With No Legs!
A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!
COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Editing is a rewording activity.
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
Gene Police: YOU!! Out of the pool!
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.
My reality check just bounced.
Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery.
No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.
Boycott shampoo!!! Demand REAL poo!
My other wife is beautiful.

THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK, BUT CAN'T!

1.   And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be..?
2.   Do I look like a people person?
3.   This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
4.   I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
5.   Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
6.   If I throw a stick, will you leave?
7.   You!... Off my planet!
8.   Does your train of thought have a caboose?
9.    Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
10.  Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
11.  A PBS mind in an MTV world.
12.  Allow me to introduce my selves.
13.  Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
14.  Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
15.  See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
16.  Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
17.  Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
18.  I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
19.  A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
20. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
21. Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?
22. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
23. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
24. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
25. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
26. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

101 Things One Should Never Say During Sex

1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
6. Try breathing through your nose.
7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!
8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by  the Hour!
13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
14. Do you accept Visa?
15. ZZZZZZZZZZ
16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the  zoo!
22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
25. Got any penicillin?
26. But I just brushed my teeth...
27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29. I want a baby!
30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34. I think you have it on backwards.
35. When is this supposed to feel good?
36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37. You're good enough to do this for a living!
38. Is that blood on the headboard?
39. Did I remember to take my pill?
40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...
42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..
47. No, really... I do this part better myself!
48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
49. This would be more fun with a few more people..
50. You're almost as good as my ex!
51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with  rotten potatoes?
53. You look younger than you feel.
54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...
58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is  overrated.
60. What tampon?
61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64. I have a confession...
65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?
70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
71. I really hate women who actually think sex means  something!
72. Did you come yet, dear?
73. I'll tell you who I'm fantasizing about if you tell me  who you're fantasizing about...
74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
75. Does this count as a date?
76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
78. I think biting is romantic- don't you?
79. Q: You can cook, too right?     A: (Whaddaya think I'm doin'?)
80. When would you like to meet my parents?
81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I  really like...
       Woman: ....       Er...  Yourself?
82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer."
93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash!
94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
95. Is this a sin, too?
96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...
99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
101. You mean you're NOT my blind date?

Porn Movie Titles

As Good as Head Gets
A cock on my lips now
A Rear and Pleasent Danger
Bone Mama On The Train
Done In 60 seconds
Doctor Screwlittle
Edward Busy Hands
E.T. - The Extra-Testicle
Free My Willy
Fast Times Between My Thighs
Forskin Gump
Field of Wet Dreams
Gonad the Barbarian
Great Ejaculations
how stella got her tube packed
In and Out of Africa
In Diana Jones and the Temple of Poon
I Know What You Did With The Plumber
Inspect Her Gadget
The Joy Suck Club
Jacking The Beanstalk
Little Sperm Maid
Last Anal Hero
Lawrence of A Labia
Leave It In Beaver
Malcolm XXX
Mikeys Python and the Meaning of Length
Missionary Position: Impossible
Mission Phenomenal
Night of the Giving Head
O fist her and gentle ram
Ordinary PeepHoles
On Goldie Hawn
Pocahotass
Porn on the Fouth of July
The Postman Always Bangs Twice
Raging Tool
Romancing the Stones
romancing the bone
Robocock
The Rodfather
robin head
Revenge of the Nads
regarding hiney
Saturday Night Beaver
Six Degrees of Penetration
Spearms of Endearment
Slutty Professor
Sex Toy Story
Some Like It Big
Stiff Magnolias

some more....

All That Jizz
American Booty
American Hair Pie
Annie's Fall
Ass Ventura II - Pet the Detective
Anal Bud - Golden Receiver
The Anus Family
All Cum on Wilmas Front
Asswoman In Wonderland
Austin Prowler
Analyze These
Anne Marie got fisted in Baja
Above the rim job
Austin Golden Showers
analdeus
Ass a Blanca
Austin Powerballs the spy spanked me
A Clear and Pleasant Stranger
A Time To Kneel
Ally McFeel
An Apt Poophole
Badman and Throbbin
Ben-Hur Over
Bi-tanic
Boldfinger
Boobarella
Barberella
Buck Naked in the 25th Century
Beaver & Buttface
Beaverjuice
Bonfire Of The Panties
The Booby Guard
Beauty And The Bitch
Bambi--The Return of Thumper
The Bare Bitch Project
Buck Hard with a Vengeance
behind enema lines
Bitch Black
Bare Wench Project
Beetlejism
BADD Girls
Buffy the Vampire Layer
Booty And The Beast
Bright Lights Big Titties
backside to the future
Black to the Future
Bare Bitch Project
Beauty and Beastilaity
black jack city
Black Meat Rising
Boy Story
Black Cock Down
Black Draft
Boobies
Boomerwang
blackdraft
Black Chick Down
Brotherhood of the Gulp
bang the bum slowly
A Clockwork Orgy
Carlito's Back Way
Chestworld
Children of the Porn
Cocky
Cummandgo
Chris Kattan is Cuntchy Retardo
Cape Rear
Clitbanger
Cumming in America
The Cunt for Red October
cum and cummer
Clitty Clitty Bang Bang
Clone a Bone 2 - Duplicating Pork
Cast a Gay
cock and balls run
Clear and Present Dangler
Cock Star
Crocodile Blondee
Cockateer
Citizen Came
Dr. Ho
Desperately Seeking Shay
Dangerous Behinds
Done her
Desperately Spanking Susan
Die With A Hard On
Dr. Do me a little
Dominatrix
Driving Miss Daisy Crazy
Dickman & Throbbin
E.T. Me (Asian fave)
Edward Penishands
Earth Girls Are Sleazy
Eyes Wide Slut
enter the vagina
edward penis hands
Enema At the Gates
Forrest Hump
Foreskin Gump
Fur Burger
Fast Times At Deep Crack High
Field of Reams
forest hump
full rubber jacket
Faecal Attraction
Face Jam
Flesh Gordon
For Your Thighs Only
Fisting Mrs. Daisy
Fist Club
Fatliners
Field of Creams
Fisting By The Pool
forest humps
Gashville
Gigantic
Guess Who's Coming on Dinner?
The Good the Bad and the Wicked
Good Will Shunting
Glad He Ate Her
Girls In The Nude
Good Will Humping
G.I. Came
Ghostlusters
Gosford Pork
Bad Boys
Geriatric Park
Hannah Does Her Sisters
High Poon
Honey, I Blew Everyone
Humping Iron
Hi Infidelity
Homocop
Hard On Copy
Hinefeld
Hard Wars: The Phantom Penis
howards end
Hair (symbol for pi -3.14-)
how stella got her back grooved
IR4: Inrearendence Day
i humped an axe murderer
Indiana Bones and the Temple of Boom
Intercourse With A Vampire
Interview With A Vibrator
in Depends and gay
In & Out & In Again
Juranal Park
Joannie Pneumatic
Jungle Beaver
Jewel Raider
jailhouse cock
King Dong
License to Thrill
Life in the Fat Lane
La Boomba
Lord of the Cock Rings
Last Action Whore
Lust At First Bite
Loin King
Long dong silver
Little Shop of Whores
La Bumba
Mary's Boppins
Mighty Hermaphrodite
Mission: Impenetrable
Mr. Holland's Orgy
Muffy The Vampire Layer
Mrs. Assfire
Men In Back
Mickey Blue Balls
Mighty Dicks
Mighty Joe Hung
Miami Spice
married with hormones
Muffy Rider
Night of the living Bed
Natural Born Thrillers
Not Without My Dildo
Nightmare on Dyke Street
On Golden Blond
on golden showers
Pulp Friction
Planet Of The Babes
Plumb And Dumber
Pleasureville
Persistant Wanka
pervirella
penetrator
pooninator
The Quick And The Hard
Quigley Down On Her
Rebel Without A Condom
raiders of the lost ass
Rear And Pleasant Danger
Runny Face
Rumble in my Palms
Rumble in my Bronx
Rambone
Rainwoman
rambooohhh
Satisfaction Jackson
Sex Trek
Sex Wars
Shaving Private Ryan
Sinderella
Sliding Whores
Sometimes a Great Lotion
Sperminator II - Jerk-off Day
Star Prick - The Next Ejaculation
Star Whores
The Sexorcist
Snatch Adams
Staff
Spew Kids
The Screwman Show
Shag High Noon
shaving ryans privates
South Pork
summer snatch
Sopornos
Splendor in the ass
Sexless In Seattle
The Silence of the Tramps
Single White SheMale
Sleeping Booty
Startrek Deep Sex 9"
Splatman
S. Bowditch Blows Everyone
Titty-Titty Bang Bang
Thanks for the Mammaries
Thunderboobs
Twat Bandits
Thighs Wide Open
The Rear Arrangers
The Flintbones
touched by an anal
the maddams family
the usual suckspects
threes a humpin me
The Sperminator
The Penetrator
titty slickers
The Good Suck
The Cock
Tit-tanic
The Bare Wench Project
The Three Musket Queers
Titty in Pink
Titty Lickers
Top Buns
The Postman Always Rims Nice
The Loin King
The bitches of Madison County
The Wizard of Jizz
The GoodFather
Trixxx
The Ass and the Curious
The Bi Chill
Titty (S)lickers
Tight Rear on Elm Street 3: Cream Warriors
The Poonies
Vanilla Guy
White Men Can Hump
Womb Raider
White Girls Can't Funk
Weepy Hollow
Wet Harry Wet Sally
Who Reamed Rosie Rabbit
When Harry Ate Sally
Wizard of Ahhs
Wet Side Story
WillBlow
Wizard of Odds
X-Girls
You Have Male
Your Ass in a Park

Useful Phrases

We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
I have plenty of talent and vision.  I just don't give a damn.
I like you.  You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
What am I?  Flypaper for freaks!?
I'm not being rude.  You're just insignificant.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
No, my powers can only be used for good.
How about never?  Is never good for you?
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
You sound reasonable... Time to up my medication.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
I don't work here.  I'm a consultant.
Who, me?  I just wander from room to room.
It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
I'm sorry, you must have took me for someone who gives a shit.

Ways to say "dumb"

The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead
 Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
A room temperature IQ.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together.
A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.
A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
Bright as Alaska in December.
One celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.
Fell out of the family tree.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
One neuron short of a synapse.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
Takes him 1.5 hours to watch "60 Minutes".
About as sharp as a marble.
A few clowns short of a circus.
Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas Tree.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
I wish I had a blueprint for his brain; I'm trying to build an idiot.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
He only has one oar in the water.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesn't have all her Cornflakes in one box.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off her cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay her brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slinky's kinked.
Surfing in Nebraska.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
The lights are on, but nobody's home.
24 cents short of a quarter.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

Actual Performance Reports

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
3. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
4. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
5. "Works well when under constant supervision when cornered like a rat in a trap."
6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
8. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
9. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
10. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
11. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
12. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."
13. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
14. "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."
15. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
16. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
17. "He's been working with glue too much."
18. "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."
19. "He would argue with a signpost."
20. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
21. "When his IQ. reaches 50, he should sell."
22. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
23. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
24. "A prime candidate for natural deselection."
25. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
26. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
27. "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
28. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
29. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
30. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
31. "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
32. "One neuron short of a synapse."
33. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled."
34. "Takes him 1 1/2 hrs to watch 60 Minutes."
35. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

Confucius Say

Confucius Say Man who jumps through screen door likely to strain himself.
Confucius Say:  To make egg roll, push it.
man who run in front of car get tired.
man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who screw on ground have piece on earth.
Confucius say "Kotex not best thing on earth, NEXT to best thing on earth"
it takes many nails to build a crib, and one screw to fill it
man who bounce woman on bedspring thois spring have offspring next spring
Confucius Says: Man who masturbate only screwing himself.
Virginity like bubble.  One prick-all gone!
Confucius say that man in bathroom with tool in hand is not necessarily a plumber.
Secretary not permanent until screwed on desk.
Man who let woman on top is fucking up.
Man who stand on toilet get high on pot.
Woman who spend much time on bedspring may get offspring.
Sex on beach is like American beer - fucking near water.
Man like baby - want to suck tit all day.
Naked man fears no pick pocket.
Man who masturbate only screwing himself.
Man who sleeps with old hen finds it's better than pullet.
He who outruns the cheetah is fucking fast on his feet.
Even the greatest of whales is helpless in the desert.
The hand that turneth the knob opens the door.
Schoolboy OK to masturbate as long as it's not against Principal.
Schoolboy who mess around with school girl during wrong period get caught red-handed.
He who eats too many jelly beans, farts in living colour!!
Best way to prevent hangover is to stay drunk.
Hockey player on ice have big stick.
Man trapped in sewer eat shit and die.
Man who fuck ugly dog get howled at.
Girls should not marry basketball players because they always dribble before they shoot.
It take square ass to shit brick.
Woman who dance while wearing a jock strap have make believe ballroom.
He who eats crackers in bed get crummy sleep.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.
A girls best asset is her lie ability.
Man who sneezes without tissue takes matters into his own hands.
He who chases cars will soon get exhausted.
Wash your face in morning neck at night.
Man who kiss girl's behind get crack in face.
Man who gets kicked in testicles left holding the bag.
Woman who fly air plane up-side down, have big crack up!
Man who take woman on camping trip have one intent.
He who refuses to listen is lying.
When lady says no, she mean maybe. When lady say maybe, she mean yes.
When lady say yes, she no lady
Wise man never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
He who sniffs coke drowns.
Man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead.
Man who piss into wind get wet.
Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
Man who pull out too soon get hit in rear end.
Man who eat pussy do lip service.
Man with tool in woman's mouth, not necessarily a dentist.
Woman who bake beans and pees in same pot very unsanitary.
Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss balloons
Never eat yellow snow.
Boy who plays with himself pulls boner.
Woman who wears padded bra, makes mountains out of molehills.
Girl who marry detective must kiss dick.
Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand.
War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left
Virginity is like a balloon, one prick all gone.
Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.
Confucius say too fucking much!!!
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man who fart in Church sit in own pew.
Man who masturbate into cash register, soon come into money.
Man have more hair on chest than woman, but on the whole woman have more!
Man who put head on Rail Road track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache.
Rape impossible. Woman run faster with skirt up than man run with pants down.
Woman who wear G-string, high on crack!
Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
Is good to learn how to masturbate, may come in handy.
He who lives in glass house dresses in basement.
Passionate kiss like spider's web - soon lead to undoing of fly.
Virgin with thimble on finger never feel prick.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who date flat-chested girl have good reason to feel low-down.
Man who lifts stones off woman get rocks off.
Man who go to bed with diarrhea wake up in deep shit.
Boy who diddle little girl do diddly squat.
Man who pulls on woman's bra-strap may get bust in mouth.
Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock
When in doubt, whip it out.
Man who lay maiden in pantry get ass in jam.
Girl who go to bachelor pad for snack get tit-bit
A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.
Girl who is wallflower at party is dandelion in bed.

At that sweet, passionate moment, you say...

 -- Cool, I've never been to the Grand Canyon.
 -- How many storage boxes can you fit in there?!
 -- You must be very experienced.
 -- Remember, you said this was a freebie...right?
 -- Wait, let me get a board and rope so I don't fall in.
 -- I gotta take off my watch, wouldn't wanna lose it.
 -- Why do you wear a bra when you've already got a belt?
 -- Would you mind rolling around in this flour?
 -- I heard carpenters dream about you.
 -- So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
 -- Look....I can get my whole arm in.
 -- It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
 -- Is that an optical illusion?
 -- If I look right at it, I feel like I'm falling in.
 -- Would you mind wearing a paper sack on your head?
 -- Do you mind if I wear one too...in case yours falls off?
 -- Jeez...What ya got up there, dead fish?
 -- I heard you could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.
 -- Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
 -- I've been wondering all night what that smell was.
 -- Maybe if I get really wasted I won't mind your body.
 -- You know they have surgery to fix that.
 -- Everybody down at the bar said you were good.
 -- Oh, that's why they call it a Wonderbra, it makes those lines go away.
 -- Huh? They told me your name was Jezebel.
 -- I expect a good time... at least, the bathroom wall said so.
 -- You're not as ugly as people claim, not quite anyway.
 -- You're not *that* fat.
 -- I see why everyone said, with you, it's better with the lights out.
 -- Wow, you like it the same way your little sister does.

TOP TEN E-mail Addresses

10. Hellen Thomas Eatons
 (Duke University)
 * eatonsht@dku.edu
 9. Martha Elizibeth Cummins
 (Fresno University)
 * cumminme@fu.edu
 8. George David Blowmer
 (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.)
 * blowmegd@dropdrawers.com
 7. Mary Ellen Dickinson
 (Indiana University of Pennsylvania)
 * dickinme@iup.edu
 6. Francis Kevin Kissinger
 (Las Verdes University)
 * kissinfk@lvu.edu
 5. Barbara Joan Beeranger
 (Myplace Home Decorating)
 * beeranbj@myplace.com
 4. Amanda Sue Pickering
 (Purdue University)
 * aspicker@pu.edu
 3. Ida Beatrice Ballinger
 (Ball State University)
 * ibballin@bsu.edu
 2. Bradley Thomas Kisserring
 (Brady Electrical, Northern Division, Overton     Canada)
 * btkisser@bendover.com
 1. Isabelle Haydon Adcock
 (Toys "R" Us)
 * ihadcock@tru.com

Rejected Dr. Seuss Books

1.  The Cat in the Blender
2.  Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
3.  Fox in Detox
4.  Who Shat in the Hat?
5.  Horton Hires a Ho
6.  The Flesh-Eating Lorax
7.  How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
8.  My Colon Can Moo-Can You?
9.  Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
10.  One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
11.  Are You My Proctologist?
12.  Yentl the Lentil
13.  My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket
14.  Aunts in My Pants
15.  Oh, the Places You'll scratch and Sniff!
16.  Horton Fakes an Orgasm
17.  The Grinch's Ten Inches

Riddles

Q. Why do Yugo�s have rear window defrosters?
A. To keep your hands warm while you�re pushing the piece of shit to the service station.

Q: What did the zero say to the eight?
A: Nice belt

Q: What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic?
A: Halfway.

Q. Hear about the new gay sitcom?
A. Leave it, it's Beaver.

Q. Do you know the difference in sugar and Sweet-n-Low?
A. Sugar is when you kiss her on the lips!

Q: What do you call bears with no ears?
A: B.

Q: What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A: Piiig

Q: What's got four legs and an arm?
A: A rottweiler

Q: What's got two legs and bleeds?
A: Half a dog

Q: How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to change the bulb and one to hold the penis, I mean ladder.

Q: How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, but it takes 15 to write a paper entitled "coping with darkness"

Q: Why didn't Hitler drink?
A: Because it made him mean.

Greeting Cards

"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met  you,     I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell 'til I met you."
"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the  fuck was I thinking?"
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for  therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!I never knew what evil was before this!"
"Congratulations on your promotion.  Before you go, would you like to take this knife out  of my back? You'll probably need  it again."
"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
"Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than  mine."
"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.  Now that we've broke up, I  think it's time you kept your promise."
"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend.
So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
"We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."
"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life  jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday---so we're having  you put to sleep."
"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Arkansas, Kentucky & Tennesee)

Pickup Lines

I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long.
Nice legs...what time do they open?
You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
Do you work for UPS? I could have sworn I saw you checking out my package.
Lets play Titanic, when I say iceberg, you go down.
You must be high jumper, because you make my bar rise.
Call me Fred Flintstone, because I'll make your Bedrock.
If we were both squirrels, would you play with my nuts?
Would you wear shoes if you didn't have any feet? Then why are you wearing a bra?
Do you believe in love at first sight? Or do I have to walk by again?
You must have a mirror in your pocket because I can easily see myself in your pants.
What time do you have to be back in heaven?
I seem to have lost my phone number, can I have yours?
If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
How about you sit on my lap and we can talk about the first thing that pops up.
I lost my teddy bear. Will you sleep with me?
Sex is a killer. Wanna die happy?
Do you sleep on your stomach? "no?." Can I?
Playing doctor is for kids. How about me and you play gynecologist.
If you were a tear in my eye, I would not cry for fear of losing you.
Excuse me, do you give head to strangers? Well then, allow me to introduce myself.
The word for the day is legs. Lets go back to my place and spread the word.
Do you have some Irish in you? Would you like a piece of Irish in you?
The last time I saw you, I was dreaming.
Hi, my name is Tony. Don't forget it because you'll be screaming it later on tonight.
I'm new in town, could you give the directions to your apartment.
I love every bone in your body. Especially mine!
That's a nice smile, its just too bad thats not the only thing you're wearing.
All those curves, and me with no brakes.
I'm a milkman. Want it in the front or the back?
My friends call me Booger. Wanna eat me?
My friends call me scab. You should pick me.
I'm a pilot. Can I see your cockpit?
My name is butthole. Whats up yours?
My name is richard, but my friends call me dick. Wanna know why?
You're legs are like peanut butter. Smooth and creamy and easy to spread.
(leaning over to whisper) I think about you when I masturbate.
Your boobees are almost as big as my moms.
(While in the country) You're car break down here often?
You smell just like the lady at the retirement home.
You know, my mother has that same dress.
Lets eat Spam.
Can I look up your dress?
I work at a condom factory, wanna test my product?
Wanna know why my friends call me Donut Boy?
Didn't I see you on a street corner?
Ever think of involving a cat?
Is that tuna I smell?
Wanna watch a porno?
I once won a belching contest. I can prove it.
I'll take you to McDonalds on prom night.
Have I ever used a cheesy pick up line?
Can you spell ICUP. I-C-U-P. You saw meee. (laugh profusely)
Can you say constantinople backwards? Me neither, but I just wanted to ask
Have you ever been caught masturbating?
I wanted to play games with your esophagus.
What tastes bad, is white and sticky? Mayonnaise dumbass.
My penis was blown off in `nam.
When you told me to fuck off was that a no?
Would you consider dating a child molester?
My name is Todd, and Todd is a gay name.
Please excuse me if I appear erect. I am.
Elvis is my father. Who's yo daddy?
Have you ever lit your farts on fire? You want to?
What color are your pubic hairs?
Have you ever played nintendo for 72 hours straight?
You are a red red rose, and I'm a little thorny.
I'm not wearing any underwear.
Lets go bowling.
Wanna go for a drive on RUDE 69?
Do you have poopies?
Lets play bowling. I can shove my fingers in you, then throw you in the gutter.
Hey, I know a guy named Robb.
I am your puppet.
You know how they say skin is the largest organ? Not in my case.
Want to see who can pee the farthest?
I like to read the comics. How about you?
Your the one for me fatty!
I'm an Indian. See my totem pole.
Whats your sign?
Come here often?
My name is Mr. Kernaghan. Let me touch your butt.
I once went through 4 condoms in one night of masturbating.
Lets make a hot dog.
Hey! Is that a wig?
Are those real?
Pardon me, but how much do you weigh.
Good lord those are big feet.
If you had six nipples and a wet nose you'd be as good as my dog.
You remind me of my first grade teacher!
Wait a minute! You are my first grade teacher.
Is that your bellybutton, or were you hit by a meteor?
Do you want extra sour cream on that?
Hi! I support shareware.
Hi, are you a butt pirate?
Yippee, I'm wet.
May I offer you some cheese nips.
Your like Radio Shack, everything I want is too expensive.
Look! That guys a penis head.
I haven't gotten any in 2 years, what about you?
Wanna go play twister naked?
When I was little I had an erecter set.
Ever heard the song Detachable Penis?
I'm a pyro, and my fire burns only for you.
I wanna put my thingy into your thingy.
I work the fries at McDonald's and I save the grease too.
Have you ever used spam in bed?
Baby...You're Elite.
If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?
I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.
If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!
How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?
I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.
Roses are red.  Violets are blue.  I like spaghetti.  Let's go fuck.
Is that a keg in your pants?  'Cause I would love to tap that ass!
If your right leg was Thanksgiving and your left leg was Christmas, could I meet you between the holidays?
You remind me of a Championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you
Your parents must be retarded, because you are special.
Could I touch your belly button. . . . from the inside?
I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I=3D 69?
How about we play lion and lion tamer?  You hold your mouth open, and I'll put my head in.

The Top 20 ways to tell someone his fly is unzipped

20) The cucumber has left the salad.
19) I can see the gun of Navarone.
18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17) You've got Windows on your laptop.
16) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15) Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14)Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
13) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
12) Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9) Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6) Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5) You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2) I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
1) I thought you were crazy, now I see your nuts.??????

Cynic's Dictionary

ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION: Procreation without recreation.
BOOKCASE: A piece of furniture used in America to house bowling trophies and Elvis collectibles.
BULIMIA: Retched excess.
CHIC: Considered smart without the deadening implication of intelligence.
CLIQUE: A group of insiders who greet outsiders with their backsides; a closed circle of asses.
CONSULTANT: A jobless person who shows executives how to work.
DENTURES: Two rows of artificial ivories that may be removed periodically to frighten one's grandchildren or provide accompaniment to Spanish music.
DNA: A complex organic molecule characterized as the building block of life and appropriately shaped like a spiral staircase to nowhere.
ERUDITE: Exhibiting a degree of book learning fatal to success in any business or romantic enterprise.
FIBER: Edible wood-pulp said to aid digestion and prolong life, so that we might enjoy another six or eight years in which to consume wood-pulp.
FUNERAL HOME: A stately manse occupied by transients who continually receive visitors but lack the energy and inclination to entertain them.
GENETIC ENGINEERING: Tampering with chromosomes so that science might develop a new miracle cure or a rabbit that plays the banjo.
HIP: Smartly attuned to the latest cutting-edge clichés.
JOB: A state of employment everyone wants but few look forward to on a Monday morning.
LAWYER: A professional advocate hired to bend the law on behalf of a paying client; for this reason considered the most suitable background for entry into politics.
LECHER: A stud with liver spots.
LOOTING: A public shopping spree generously sponsored by local merchants in the wake of a riot.
LOTTERY: The equivalent of betting that the next pope will be from Duluth, or that the parrot in the pet store window speaks Flemish.
MATH ANXIETY: An intense lifelong fear of two trains approaching each other at speeds of 60 and 80 mph.
MUGGER: A benevolent citizen of the streets who frequently spares the lives of total strangers in exchange for any cash and valuables in their possession.
NEGOTIATING: The art of persuading your opponent to take the nice shiny copper penny and give you the wrinkled old paper money.
NEUROTIC: Sane but unhappy about it.
OBITUARY: A final summation of our lives that, for most of us, occupies about three inches of space in what will shortly become cage liner for your neighbor's parakeet.
POSITIVE THINKING: Self-improvement through self-deception.
QUALITY OF LIFE: What an industrialized nation is said to offer when enough of its citizens are suffering from terminal stress.
REVOLUTIONARY: An oppressed person waiting for the opportunity to become an oppressor.
SHALLOWNESS: The root cause of chronic good health, high school popularity, appearance on the fiction bestseller lists, and gainful employment on local TV news broadcasts.
STAR: A performer who makes more than his or her agent. Also
SUPERSTAR: A performer who makes more than Guatemala.
STATE-OF-THE-ART: Soon-to-be-obsolete.
TABOO: Any strict cultural prohibition that, when breached, causes everyone in the group to gasp; e.g., cannibalism, public nudity, serving fried pork rinds at a Hasidic wedding, or answering the question "How are you?" in the negative.
UNEMPLOYMENT: The usual alternative to overwork.
URINAL: The one place where all men are peers.
VIRGIN: A young innocent who in former times was sacrificed to the gods but who now merely lives in disgrace.
WAKE: 1. A convivial soiree with a preserved corpse in the room.
2. What the mourners would be visibly startled to see the corpse do, especially those expecting a sizable inheritance.
X-CHROMOSOME: A genetic double-cross that empowers women with the ability to bear children and reserves for men the right to be color-blind hemophiliacs.
ZOMBIE: A mirthless creature beloved by teenage horror movie fans and
those in charge of the hiring at accounting firms.

Cop humor

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new.  They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"So, you don't know how fast you were going.  I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Warning!  You want a warning?  O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"In God we trust, all others are suspects."
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore.  We used to have quotas, but now  we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"Just how big were those two beers?

Definitions

Hormone...The sounds a prostitute makes so you will thing that  you are a real good lay.
Seersucker...A person who blows clairvoyants.
Cotton Balls...The final stage of beer nuts.
Trampoline...A sexual lubricant popular with sluts.
Octopus...An eight?sided vagina.
Douche...A female duke.
Drug Traffic...Driving to your connection's house.
Woodpecker...A 17th century prosthetic device.
Cowhand...An occupational disability common among dairy farmers.
Anticlimax...What my uncle was good at.

Some interesting Facts???
Did you know .........

It is impossible to lick your elbow.
A crocodile can't stick it's tongue out.
A shrimp's heart is in their head.
People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heart stops for a mili-second.
In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the
sand (or attempted to do so).
It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit
Between 1937 and 1945 Heinz produced a version of Alphabetti Spaghetti especially for the German market that consisted
solely of little pasta swastikas.
In average, a human being will have sex more than 3,000 times and spend two weeks kissing in their lifetime.
More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.
Rats and horses can't vomit.
The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. If you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out.
Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants.
Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?
In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their buttocks.
In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders.
Most lipstick contains fish scales.
Cat's urine glows under a black-light.
Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
Over 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.
Oct 5 is the most common US birthday
Recently, the global average age of first sex moved down slightly to 18.0 years from 18.1, while the number of partners dropped to 7.7 from 8.2.
Rats don't have bones. They're made up of cartilage, which is very flexible.
The hyoid bone, in the throat, is the only bone in the human body that does not connect to other bones. Its job is to support the tongue and its muscles.
Aldous Huxley, author of Brave New World, learned Braille so that he could rest his eyes and still read. Huxley's eyes pained him when he read too much and his eyesight was failing. One of the benefits of learning Braille, Huxley said, was being able to read in the bed in the dark.
Skin does not wrinkle from seawater because seawater is so similar to the fluids in our body
Cats, like camels and giraffes, walk by moving their front and hind legs on one side, then the front and hind legs on the other side. When most other animals move, the front leg on one side and the hind leg on the other move together.
The famous Impressionist painter Claude Monet won 100,000 francs in the state lottery. The money made him financially independent.
GDP ranking: USA, Japan, Germany, Britain, France, Italy, China, Brazil, Canada (Russia 14)
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, and purple.
Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them use to burn their houses down - hence the expression 'to get fired.'
Canada is an Indian word meaning 'Big Village'.
There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
'I am.' is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
The word 'samba' means 'to rub navels together.'
The international telephone dialing code for Antarctica is 672.
The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
Until 1965, driving was done on the left-hand side on roads in Sweden. The conversion to right-hand was done on a weekday at 5pm. All traffic stopped as people switched sides. This time and day were chosen to prevent accidents where drivers would have gotten up in the morning and been too sleepy to realize that *this* was the day of the changeover.
The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
Dr. Seuss pronounced 'Seuss' such that it rhymed with 'rejoice.'
More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes.
The term, 'It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye' is from Ancient Rome. The only rule during wrestling matches was, 'No eye gouging.'  Everything else was allowed, but the only way to bedisqualified was to poke someone's eye out.
A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined.
On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
A snail can sleep for three years.
No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH".
Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
All polar bears are left handed.
In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
"Go." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

• Microsoft Word: Next time you need some dummy text--to test a font or a layout, for example--you'll love this baby. Type '=rand(8,10)' into your document (without the quotes). Word instantly fills the screen with 'The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog,' over and over again. The first number specifies the number of paragraphs, and the second tells word how many sentences to put in each paragraph.

• How long did it take Leonardo da Vinci to paint the 'Mona Lisa?'  Da Vinci took his time with the painting. According to legend, he spent four years on the portrait of Francesco del Giocondo's third wife, Lisa Gherardini, and still wasn't done. Supposedly, Giocondo was so sick of waiting (or another version -- didn't like the painting) that he refused to pay for the work and da Vinci sold it to the king of France. In 1962, the portrait was assessed for insurance purposes at $100 million.

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Last update: 16 May 2002
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