As we open, another unexpecting victim enters the late night hours of the Quick Stop, Leonardo New Jersey's premiere source for price gouging and immature customer harassment. In less than the time it takes me to drain Lil' Anubis before bedtime, the man is soon sent screaming into the darkness, crashing his car and spontaneously combusting as he runs down the street. What could cause a normal, everyday Joe looking to purchase a pack o' cancer to suddenly go out of his head and on a crash course with disaster? Well, thanks to Randall Graves and Dante Hicks (but mostly Randall), the guy thought a voice in his head was continuously asking if everything was "safe"... Ah, the wonders you can do from behind a convenience store counter with a rolled up magazine and a mind for torture.

The following day it's business as usual as Dante emerges from a pile of dirty clothes (no doubt reeking of burrito meat and porno magazines from the prior day's business) to a ringing phone and a call from his boss, calling him into work to open the Mart, putting up the typical 5 year old worthy, "But it's my day off!" defense before giving up any and all sense of self worth and heading in for yet another day serving the huddled masses who want ice for their coffee, a "perfect" dozen of eggs and a gallon of milk that will never expire. Yep, it's all business as usual, until a group of local kids starts launching bottle rockets in the store. One short, but well eloquted summary of Dante's worthless life by some kid named Silas later and thus enters Jersey's premier wasters of time and corrupters of the youth: Jay & Silent Bob.

Due to "the network"'s dislike for all things criminal, Jay & Bob are no longer allowed to peddle their sweet leaf in this family friendly neighborhood, so instead they've resorted to setting up a small entreaprenurialship out front of their favorite haunt, selling M-80s to the poor and unfortunate souls who are currently too young to purchase their own weapons of hand exploding goodness. This of course leads to the unfortunate conclusion for the "Is it safe?" guy's story, as he picks this time to leave the hospital under doctor's order that "it's safe", only to find a Jay batted quarter stick has chosen his feet to land at... Piss on a biscuit! Random and pointless exclamations of astonishment aside, if Jason Mewes could knock a ball like his cartoon counterpart can crack a 'cracker, I think Barry Bonds has new competition! But, he can't, so that's just not important right now.

"6 Hours Later", Dennis The Menace's delinquent big brother (that would be Randall, in case my lame descriptive gag was more lame than descriptive for you guys) finally shows up for his shift at RST, claiming his kidnapping at the hands of a madman and following time spent trapped in a subterranean cell as the reason for his tardiness. "I can describe the dank cage for police artists! There were walls... there were doors... I can't relive it!". It also turns out that, as always, Randall's the reason for Dante's impromptu lack-of-day-off, telling the boss Dante needed to work more hours for college credit... yeah, I've pulled that one before, heh heh. Things go all mad and upside down and shit from here though, as "He" has returned! No, not Jesus... not that that overblown hippy has what it takes for his long foretold "Judgment Day resurrection", but don't let him know I said that. Them hippies got strange powers, LCD powers, flower powers...

No, "He" is Leonardo Leonardo, the multi-million dollar industrialist great grandson of Bernardo Leonardo, founder of Leonardo New Jersey following it's purchase by Native Americans for 4 1/2 million samoleons. Not to be outdone by great grandpappy Bernard though, LL would be the great pioneer to explore the black corners of deepest Canada, conquering it's Neanderthal inhabitants and taking all of their vast mineral wealth in exchange for Polio... and if you think that's bad, I once saw a guy lick another guy's armpit in exchange for two girls kissing each other... and they were lesbians anyway... and the guy got Mono... or was that the script for American Pie V: Dude, Where's My Pie?!?

Well, having studied the wonders of the world (and New Jersey), Leo has returned to his roots (or, "am come to stay") to establish Leonardo "Hey! That Looks Like A Big Bong!" Towers, home base for all future plans to menace the people of New Jersey and, to speak in typical super villain rhetoric, through them... dramatic pause... THE WORLD! First step to world destruction/domination? Leonardo builds the ultimate end all, be all of Convenience stores. This Quicker Stop is a place where you can get anything and everything for the lowest prices anywhere and everywhere, as sold to you by kind, courteous, professional clerks, not like Dante and Handle ("That's 'Randall'!"). This of course spells t-r-o-u-b-l-e with a capital pink slip for our two anti-heroes, unless they can come up with some kind of zany get-rich-quick scheme you'd only find on an animated sitcom. Randall's brilliant idea? "Pay as you exit"... looks like this series is doomed before it's even began... which is funny since, though this was meant to be the pilot episode, it of course was NOT one of the two episodes aired on television...

Determined to wipe out every blemish of competition against his new megalopolis Wal*Martian Romanesque Empire (which really doesn't offer much other than coffee bars, nudie mags and the hall of mirrors), LL orders his brickhouse sidekick Plug to, quote, "Bring this 'Quick Stop' to me!". But, since the 'Stop is just a store, he'll settle for a sidebar with Dante and Randall... for now... as soon as he's done assembling his new $79 Ikia™ desk...

The villain offers the duo jobs in his new store, complete with medical, stock options and a full college education upon enrollment in his management program. But, Randall becomes greatly offended when Leo takes a phone call from the tribes of Canada (who have become afraid of the "evil spirits" we brothers from across the border call rain and have decided to attempt to kill it...), so the answer to Leo's generous offer is a fat "no". LL responds in Near James Bondian fashion, revealing his until-then-secret plot to take over New Jersey and turn it into one huge North Of The Border gift shop, bringing Canadian goods to the landfills of Jersey for the first time ever! What's so sinister about that? Well, once the NotB store's been established, it will be torn down and turned into some kind of pleasure dome, where the filthy rich will live in self indulgence while the pawns of New Jersey are put to work in slave labor camps to keep the dome running! Well, it might not be so bad after all though, as this plan could actually improve the country's opinion of New York's toilet...

Determined to save their jobs and their town, D & R sneak into Leonardo Tower using the old Adam West "Batman and the Boy Wonder scale the side of a building" routine to enter from the roof, braving "the Maze of Death" and it's Minotaur and Billy Crystal-Robin Williams movie to make it into LL's office, where they find Jay & Bob "looking for M-80s", which consists of laying around and reading porn... Propping up Leo's ramshackle desk, the duo discover a pop-up book outlining every aspect of LL's evil plan, from the construction of the pleasure dome to the drowning of the slave laborers to the quelling of the robot uprisings with super intelligent pacifist apes to the use of robot chickens to the complete nuking of the Earth. Bringing this news to the people of Leonardo results in absolutely no help, so Randall and Dante have no recourse but to sit back and enjoy their last night on the job with a viewing of UPN's top-rated show, "The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeifer", in which President Abe "The Stove Top Stuffer" Lincoln takes a minute out of wrestling slave owners and kodiak bears to fight the evils deeds of Jefferson Jefferson along with his liberated black sidekick Desmond Pfeifer! Taking a cue from the episode, Randall dresses up like a rich widow and the rest is history. Leonardo Leonardo winds up in handcuffs, his "confederate plans thwarted" and Quicker Stop™ left in flaming rubble at the incompetent stoner hands of Jay, Bob and their exploding little pals... which only last for this episode anyway...

Things turn back to normal and the world's a better place. Jay & Bob return to their place in front of the 'Stop, Dante and Randall are back to tormenting their source of income with slacker guerrilla tactics and Leonardo Leonardo is left to hatch a plot so devious, it will leave our clerk friends' lives in tatters for years to come... or he'll just go about his business of ruling Canada and trying in abject futility to find himself a place in the business world's upper elite, settling for interviews with "Access Hollywood", when it's "Entertainment Tonight" that he really wants...

The perfect start to what could've been a hilarious series... which wasn't even technically the "start" of the series anyway, since it never aired... I hate ABC. As if Drew Carey wasn't reason enough, this clinches it. Sure, Jay selling M-80s instead of drugs makes little sense, and it may be a long stretch from Kevin Smith's original formula for Dante and Randall (vulgarity + witty repartee = indy comic hilarity), I think Smith more than makes up for the lack of (im)mature content with his own lampoons of popular culture icons and twists on classic cartoon formulas. The animation style is perfect, with heavy character outlines and an incredibly cartoony style that makes even the bland lives of two Joe Schmo register jockeys a work of living art... and Alec Baldwin gives himself a cache of Kool-Aid™ points as Leonardo Leonardo! Along with "Mission Hill", "Clerks" stands as one of the most sorely abused works of modern American animation, and that revelation makes my black heart cry tears of pepperminty agony...