First off, one of the crazy things about this slideshow pretending to be animation is that it takes it's images exactly from the very first issue of The Incredible Hulk. Though this means that Jack Kirby fans will get a giddy thrill (as will lovers of cheesy '60s comic dialogue [thank you Stan Lee], since that too is replicated), it also means that those who have grown used to the fluid animations of your favorite Saturday waste-of-a-morning programming are likely to laugh uncontrollably at the most minimal movement of pictures you'll see this side of a still life. Kirby's art is actually reproduced to cel, then a piece or pieces of each still is animated while the rest of the image remains still. In other words, pretty much every character in the show stands perfectly still through out, unless their mouth moves, their eyes blink, their arm or hands moves, or their entire body is slide across the screen, as if everyone was sitting on a conveyor belt. Like I said, it's definitely not for everybody, and even the people who can get over it (i.e. myself), won't be able to get over it to the point that it doesn't constantly make you stop and groan a little that what they considered "animation" was really no more technically advanced than a pop-up book.

Since the toon follows the comic pretty much panel-for-panel, anyone who has read the Hulk's origin before will know everything I'm about to review to you. For those who are new to the jolly green goliath's backstory, this is as good a starting point as any and you should feel free to read on... you guys who already know what's gonna happen can go ahead and read too, you might find the material humorous... or your eyeballs could just use the workout, cuz fuck knows you don't use 'em to read anything worthwhile if you're here.

Part one of our tale opens with the brilliant young scientist Bruce Banner, about to witness the first test of his military creation the Gamma Bomb... if his commie lab assistant Igor would stop bitching about Bruce not giving him access to the Bomb's secret files. Whoa, put the president on hold and speed dial 1-800-WHAT-THE-FUCK. First off, in an age of Cold War, nuclear secrets, and wanna-be James Bonds falling out of the sky, somebody clue me in on the military intelligence that lives up to it's oxymoron by putting a Red on a top secret project to create a superweapon for the U.S. Army?! Was this one of those "don't look for the differences in people, but embrace the similarities" bunks to help promote a peaceful "leave Communism and join Capitalism, because we're just plain nice people to know" end to The War That Wasn't A War? When you try to keep from stepping on the toes of others, you're too busy looking down to notice the statue of Buddha being used to collapse your skull. Buddha? Yes, Buddha. That fat fuck's got everybody fooled, but I've seen what he's packing under that mumu and it's not pacifistic in the least...

Secondly (yes, two gripes and I just started this french fries fiasco... pardon me, "freedom fries fiasco"... morons), am I the only one who picks up on the allusions to Mary Shelley's own monster tale here? Aside from Banner turning into a misunderstood brute who just wants to be left alone to live his life (a green monster not unlike Karloff's portrayal no less), he's got an assistant named Igor, only this Igor's given up his hump in favor of a hammer and sickle... metaphorically of course. Why is this a gripe? Who knows, I just like to bitch from time to time. Granted, it's far more a comparison than any kind of disdain, but is it necessary to beat us over the head with the obvious parallels between the two tales? As if the misdeeds of science, the creation of a monster from the hands of a man and the blind fear that leads to "the pursuit of that monster by those that can't understand it" aren't Windex™ clear enough, enter Igor.

That out of the way, it looks like Dr. B, for a scientist, lacks the common sense of a man trying to keep his work secret, as he sternly refuses to tell Igor the secrets of harnessing Gamma radiation, only to tell Igor that his secrets are locked away in his room... durh... before the bomb can be tested though Bruce spies a teen on the testing field, reclined in his jalopy and hummin' on a harmonica, completely ignorant to the fact he's about to have his insides on his outside and he's gonna be a walking nightlight the rest of his short, irradiated young life. Not wanting to be responsible for the loss of anyone's life as a result of his work, Bruce orders Igor to halt the test while he goes out to save the lad. Igor, now knowing where he can find Banner's G-Bomb research, finds his best option to be letting Banner make his big rescue and letting the test go off as planned. Goodbye Bruce, hello Commie weapons of mass destruction. We'll all be swillin' vodka in the breadlines by Thanksgiving. In Russia, Thanksgiving turkey eats you! I'm not even gonna bother attempting to reproduce Jack-Off's kooky laugh, so don't ask.

Bruce gets the kid to a safety trench, leaving the boy unaffected while he alone is illuminated violently (and ironically) by his own loveable giant phallis-shaped explosive device. Remember, this is before the days of "fallout", when radiation only went straight up and outward, defying the laws o' gravity and not allowing itself to be pulled downward... at least not till the great gravity labor strike of '73. Ah, my days as a Strikebreaker. I cracked many a greedy gravity skull that year... End senseless rambling, return to review. Though Rick (the teenager) was left without an ounce of genetic poisoning, the side effects of the blast are enough to force Bruce to blackout, waking up later in the military base's infirmary thanks to Rick... who feels the need to introduce himself and continue introducing himself through the repeated mentioning of his name... maybe he did get a little dose of the ol' Gamma lovin' after all...

It's not long before the seemingly spineless Dr. Banner starts getting green around the gills though, as the coming of nightfall brings about a transformation in the young genius. He doesn't grow pointy ears, drooly fangs or patches of shag carpeting glued to his chest though, as he instead becomes a hulking brute, ill in pigment and unhappy in demeanor. Bruce's beastly alter-eog isn't a fan of being caged like an animal, so he pounds his big lumpy fists on the walls and makes an exit stage left with Rick in tow, dedicated to helping Banner in any way he can as consideration for the doc's selfless act of saving Jones from his own ignorance. After playing World's Biggest Speed Bump to an army jeep and earning himself the moniker of "Hulk" by the grunts on his tail, the brute and his sidekick instinctively make their way to the onbase bungalow, somehow managing to sneak a 7 foot tall ogre past U.S. military trained soldiers... oh wait, having said it outloud, that sounds about right.

In Bruce's meager shelter, we find a familiar just-because-he's-Russian-doesn't-mean-he's-a-spy rifling through the personal effects of the irradiated Banner. Startled by the appearance of the Hulk and his sidekick, Igor pulls out his Luger and prepares to bust a cap into the green goliath's atomic ass. With that ends part one and in we go to part two, also known as....

Okay, we know where we left off, so let's just pick right up on it. This isn't Dallas, we don't need to pad on the overdramatized suspense to fill time. I shot J.R., so get over it. Igor tries to pump a few rounds into the beast, but to no avail, as Hulk crushes the Luger in his bare hands, then proceeds to toss the little weasel around, using his head to remodel the furniture. After nearly killing him, the Hulk turns his attention to another "puny human", poor Rick Jones, who reminds Hulk that he's really a puny human himself inside. Before he can treat Rick to some of the same, up comes the sun and down goes the monster, giving way to the return of Bruce Banner, one set of clothes lighter, one set of rags richer. In bust the military, joined by General Thuderbolt Ross and his daughter Betty... who apparently does a lot of celebrity impersonator work as Jackie O. Unaware that Banner himself is the Hulk, the grunts take Igor into custody and are on their way, as Betty and Rick stay behind to console Bruce and patch up the shoulder wound he received when the Hulk stopped an army jeep with a shoulder block.

While Bruce begins what will become decades of self-loathing and whimpering, Igor sits in his cell, practicing his rectal exercises so make his sphincter hard as steel. Think hot dog in a guillotine... Using a "sub-miniature, shortwave transmitter" in his thumbnail, Igor relays a message ACROSS THOUSANDS OF MILES TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE PLANET (!??!?!?!) to his cohorts about the Gamma Bomb and this new kink in their plans known as the Hulk. Since when is "across the planet" considered "short"?! If they can invent a tiny transmitter small enough to fit in a guy's fingernail and still send messages across the globe, why do they need to know the secret of Gamma radiation? Just send a barrage of nerve gas bombs locked onto Igor's transmission signal and there ya go, everybody's dead. Hell, Igor's probably got micro filters in his nose to filter out the gasses anyway, and some kind of high-tech, collapsible lock disengaging mechanism stored in a fake molar to get him out of his cell.

So, who exactly is on the receiving end of these thumb sized signals? The evil empire Igor subscribes to is run by a little orange creature by the name of Gorgon, who is apparently so feared by his own subserviants that they slip important files to him under the door of his office. I have no idea what's supposed to be so intimating about this mook, I mean he's a midget with Elephantitis all over his body and a citrusy complextion. Granted, that's not normal, but he doesn't exactly strike fear into my heart... provided I hadn't sold it to the scientific community to pay my cable bill. It's gotta be something good this orange imp has up his sleeve, because the message says that the Hulk's power is almost a match for his own... Whatever the terror that's linked with this pint-sized despot, his curiosity's been peaked and it's time to pack the nuclear sub for a vacation to Capitalismland! Pack the voddy, get grandma's babushka off the clothesline and put on your big wooly cylinderical hat, cuz Uncle Sam, here come the Ruskies!

When Gorgon arrives, he finds Bruce has once again become the Hulk with the fall of night, wrecking another military piece of transport in the process. Betty witnesses the Hulk's appearance and runs to daddy Thunderbolt for comfort, while the "all powerful and terrifying" creature that is the Gorgon shoots the jade giant and his sidekick Ricky with some brainwash bullets that make them subservient to his whims. After boarding a sub-sonic jet, he takes his two mind slaves back to his Soviet stronghold, only to find that Banner's returned to his human form. The news that the Hulk is actually a man cursed to become a monster, Gorgy breaks into tears and sobs like a little boy who lost his ice cream cone to a giant sewer rat. Seems that the Gorgon too was a man once, before his own exposer to radiation mutated him into his current state. Lucky for him though, he happened to kidnap one of the world's foremost experts in radiation science, so Bruce offers up a solution to return the little ghoul back to normal: a good sized second blast of radiaion... yeah, that's how you cure EVERYTHING! Got the flu? Have some more injected into you. First degree burns all over your body? Set yourself on fire and burn it all off. Got the AIDS? Head down to the clinic and open wide. See? The world's one big cycle, fight fire with fire.

The doc's theory proves sound and the mangled little creature known as the Gorgon has been replaced by a jaded blad Russian. Enraged that it was an American who cured him while his communist pals couldn't do shit for him, 'Gon sends his new capitalist amigos on the first return rocket home, while he faces treason by his own lackeys. But, happy to be human again, Gorgon has no qualms with his actions, instead wiring his office to explode, thus taking his incompitent goons with him... okay, after all this pissing and moaning about how he wanted to be human again, and the guy just offs himself?! Though I can see how death by explosion would be preferable to the torture and torment that comes with doing treason time in a Russian prison (or the no doubt painful execution otherwise), it just all seems kinda pointless. If you were one of the most powerful and fearless terrorists in the world, but you had to be a freakish little demon as a sort of ironic penance, would you rather live out the high life and be fugly, or give it all up to be normal for an hour only to go kamikaze and turn your back on your country? Though turning my back on my country is as common a thing to me as tea time for the Limeys, I know I'd be sticking with the beautiful life as a poweful and feared troll.

Like I said before, this type of animation is far from universal. Not everybody's going to be able to get into it, in fact, nobody I know has been able to watch it without laughing or groaning, often times doing both within the 20 minute time span. I however loved it. It was crazy. It was surreal. It was taken from the actual comicbook. Jack Kirby fans take note. I did have a huge problem with the dialogue though. Not only because it was so damn cheesy (albeit normal for the distorted time it was born from), but why did Rick have to repeat his name when he introduced himself?! Read what I mean below in the "CHEESY ASS, makes me want to die-alogue" section. Same goes for the opening theme. Granted, UPN's '90s Incredible Hulk toon was just dramatic music with someone grunting out "Hulk... Incredible... Hulk..." with Fox's Spider-Man theme equally as non-creative, but what the fuck was the deal with "Ain't he un-glamor-ace"?! Okay, I can see the predicament the writers must've had trying to find something to rhyme with "Gamma rays", but THAT was the best they could come up with?! And no, don't ask me to come up with something better.

And people wonder why comicbooks are socially labeled as "kid stuff"...