Who here loves Mad Max, more specifically The Road Warrior? Raise your hands. Yeah, I figured as much. What’s not to love about violence, pillaging, raging S&M gangs and high octane car chases that last 25 minutes? Exactly, there’s nothing not to love here. This might explain why this small trilogy of films from the wastelands of Australia (a nation that started as a prison colony no less) has managed to barrel it’s way through the hearts of cult movie lovers worldwide. But, the problem with a movie like this is that sometimes too many people have gotten wind of it, like the kind of people who think that working elements of the movies into their cartoon scripts will serve not only as a whimsical little spoof, but as an homage to their beloved inspirations…
Writers for a cartoon show based around sports idols who use high tech gym equipment to save children though, should just leave well enough alone. But, of course they can’t and the delicate balances of the cosmos are thrown all outta whack as a result. Thus we have “ProStars: Gargantus and the Highway of Doom”…
The title alone serves as a lighthouse for good taste, trying to warn weary ‘toon watchers to stay away, ‘lest they be dashed to death on the jagged rocky reefs of Dic™’s early-‘90s Saturday morning cartoon death trap, but like a modern day Magellan I fought onward, driven by determination (and a possible case of brain syphilis) to see my visions through. Those visions never included giant flying sneaker planes, boomerang spy cameras, or people riding a giant basketball, but by the wrath of Isis’s menstruations, I kept going anyway.
After a half-hearted intro to the episode by Bo and Wayne (Michael is often absent from these little studio sessions, obviously with better things to do than put on his “ProStars” varsity jacket and talk to a TV camera about the virtues of not littering) in which the sports world’s oddest odd couple tell us why gangs are “bad news” and about how “Bo knows gangbustin’”, we jump feet first into our cartoon. Good thing too, all those AV Club style visual effects, highlight reel montages, and flying buzz words were making me dizzy.
The ‘Stars get a video distress signal from an Aussie lass named Sheilah about a recent invasion of her beloved hometown of Wallaby (I really hope such a place doesn’t exist on any maps but those of the damned and tormented). The invaders aren’t of the “little green men” kind, but of the “big sweaty guys with Mohawks and shoulder pads driving death rigs” kind. Seems Sheilah’s older brother Keith has apparently gone “bonkers” and wants to join the miscreants in their plundering of Wallaby (ewwww, wallaby plundering, sounds like something from an illegal Aussie beastiality site…) and she needs the help that only three American athletes and their extensive experience with public service announcements can provide. Gimme a second here, that “Bonkers” reference has thrown me into a sugary flashback of childhood snacks…
Okay, having just finished up reading this article, I can now go on with my work. Thank you X-Entertainment.
Anyway, Sheilah has managed to evade Gargantus’s work camps long enough to somehow videotape her story and send it to the ProStar’s base-of-operation at Mom’s Gym in the US. Before the trio can go about liberating the town (something I would’ve thought the local police force or military better prepared for…), Mom and Denise roll out this episode’s sports themed high-tech devices:
A remote control boomerang with a surveillance camera and video receiver in the control unit.
A remote control unit for ProStar1, which will allow the boys to fly their big shoe plane without actually being in it.
A giant inflatable basketball.
Cream pie hockey pucks.
Metal restraining hoops.
And lastly, a mysterious metal cylinder that not even Bo “knows” how to work.
Upon arrival in the down under, Michael “surmises” that the girl that’s so happy to see them in Sheilah and Wayne finds himself ravenous with hunger. A quick re-con with the boomerang camera uncovers Gargantus’s work camp, where he’s forcing the citizens of Wallaby to work under his yoke and build him a castle, seeing as how he’s the king of Wallaby… hmmm, a wallaby king eh? I’m not even bothering with the jokes here.
After blowing up the bad guy’s laser fence defenses, the ProStars start up to Gargy’s mountain fortress with the intentions of do-gooding. Not exactly the sneakiest of heroes though, as Gargantus is tipped off by Sheilah’s brother Keith as to the oncoming athlete attack. In order to prove himself worthy of the big grunt’s affections, Keith’s gotta roll a boulder down the path (by hitting it with a car that looks like a big purple dildo on wheels) and get rid of the ProStars… along with his own sister… that’s kinda heavy for a kid’s show, but nobody watched it anyway, so there’s really no harm I guess.
Thanks to Mike’s quick thinking (and $4 words), the Stars deflect the boulder with one of Michael’s giant inflatable basketballs, sending it all the way to the top of the mountain and into Gargantus’s fortress. Where big rocks fail, the thug’s gang of Gargantuans succeed and the heroes are taken down thanks to the numbers game. To paraphrase the Doors: “They got the exploding cream pie hockey pucks, but we got the numbers”. Sheilah is captured as well and reunited with her father in a holding cell, while Keith is accepted into the gang. His first official duty as low man on the post-apocalyptic totem pole: trick out ProStar1 and make it a suitable as Gargantus’s new “ride”. Welcome to slave labor kid, you get used to it after a while…
Fortune smiles on the good guys though (as it tends to do in cartoon land), when Sheilah’s pet kangaroo somehow manages to get past the bad guys’ defenses (a part of the cartoon conveniently left unanimated…) and brings with him the remote control to the ShoePlane ProStar1. Amazingly brilliant marsupials those kangaroos… excellent boxers too… kinda like Mike Tyson crossbreeding with a textbook and a backpack…
Using the remote controlled sneaker-mobile, the group break from their cell and make their escape, slowing down the Gargantuans with metal hula-hoops, until they can ride into town on a second giant basketball, this one pulled from thin-air by Michael and carrying a convenient ring around it (not unlike those found orbiting Saturn or the big brown one around Uranus… hawhaw), which makes my head hurt trying to figure out how it’s (A) possible for Jordan to pull such a thing from nowhere and (B) how the ring seems to be made of something solid enough for the people to stand on, yet malleable enough that it can be broken down to a size small enough to pass between molecules. My teeth jaw hurts from trying to reach up and devour my brain…
In the final “dramatic” chase scene, thanks to Keith’s decision to reform, a thermos full of chocolate milkshake (yep, the mysterious metal cylinder that continually changed it’s size, shape and general proportions!!!!), and a conveniently placed tanker truck (complete with full tank of gas and keys in the ignition), the ProStars out maneuver and out drive the villainous punk rocker pro-wrestlers, then end the day by pinning Gargantus under their giant deflating basketball thing. Okay, so earlier on Gargy’s toady was crushed under a boulder, only to appear seconds later free and unharmed, while Gargy gets stuck under an oversized basketball and is let completely helpless?! There are no physics or logic of any kind in cartoons. People can walk on air, tiny guns can cause massive explosions, and people trying to sort it all out are left broken and alone afterwards.
Anyway, Mom and Denise show up to bring Wayne another thermos of milkshake (seeing as how his last was used to blind a man) and help wrap things up. And when Mom asks about why her precious jet propelled sneaker plane (why don’t they just call it “Air Jordan” and be done with it?!) now looks like one of the Iron Sheik’s boots mated with the Legion of Doom’s shoulder pads, Mike and Bo slink off into the background and leave Wayne with his pants ‘round his ankles and his shrinking masculinity in his hands. THAT’s for centuries of white oppression, bitch! Huh? I don’t care if you are from Canada motha’fuckah, black power!
The Q&A session afterwards involves Bo and Wayne discussing how they got into the big leagues. *YAWN*. I’d rather see an episode where special guest Lawrence Taylor tells kids about the NFL’s problems with drugs and hookers…
All in all, I guess it’s mandatory that cartoons from the ‘90s suck on a roll with mustard, lettuce and a side of cottage cheese. Everybody was so busy trying to get their stupid little “messages” across that nobody focused on the reason cartoons in the ‘80s flourished so well: massive commercialism and merchandising tie-ins. Ask anyone with a sliver of wit and they’ll tell ya: Cartoons from the ‘80s were little more than 30 minutes action figure commercials. I’ve heard it said a million times and ya know what, it’s true. But, on the other hand, I’d rather watch a 30 minute commercial for He-Man or Ninja Turtles toys than I would a 30 minute bore about pro athletes plagiarizing “parodying” movies in an effort to “better the lives of children”. Blah. For a show that was so ripe with marketing potential (popular athletic figures wielding way-out gadgets with a quaint unifying theme!), it’s sad to see how it somehow got messed up so badly. Uggh. I feel like a German porn star. “ProStars” – straight from some hack writing staff’s ass to your waiting mouth.
Followed by “Hammerman” Saturday mornings this fall on ABC™!
Oh, and ‘lest I forget, one of the reasons I endure these shows:
The Bo Chronicles - A Record of exactly what it is that “Bo knows”.
As per “Gargantus and the Highway of Doom”, we now know that Bo knows the following:
Cartoons.
Gangbusting
Bad guys.
When it’s safe to proceed.
And, given almost an entire episode’s worth of time, he also managed to somehow “know” thermoses…
The Moral of this Episode: Even video nasty stuff like
Mad Max isn't immune to the sterilizations of American childrens' programming.
Screen Shots______________
If You Liked This Toon, Check Out...
- "Wish Kid" -
- "C.O.P.S." -
- "Ulysses" -
- "Hammerman" -
-----------------------------------------------------------------
