...which was actually born from MTV's original crazy cartoon menagerie "Liquid Television".

...a program which MTV would later rip itself off with with another such show entitled "Cartoon Sushi".

...from whose rice blanketed, wasabi smattered, ginger garnished, soy sauce drippin', served with a California Roll-in-your-hole madness was delivered a short called "Celebrity Deathmatch", which featured a stop-motion duel-on-the-mat between Charles Manson and Marilyn Manson that ended when Chuck's skeleton was torn from his body (diaper and all).

...and from this short came MTV's "Celebrity Deathmatch" series, which featured stop-motion dopplegangers of the most prominent figures in Tinsletown doing severe harm to each other with weapons, acid, farts, various projectile spews of a veritable cocktail of bodily fluids and... where was I going with this?

Oh yeah. Anyway, the people who brought "Celebrity Deathmatch" to one of cable's most non-music related music video channels for something like 3 seasons got around to making a second series all about stop-motion celebrities, this one called "The Wrong Coast".

Never heard of it? Not a surprise, it hasn't exactly aired. How'd I get my grubby talons on a copy? Two answers for ya:
(1) shaddup
(2) shaddup

Like some kind of synthetic "Entertainment Tonight" (which would make it just another "Access Hollywood"), "The Wrong Coast" is hosted by two people who wish they could be celebrities but instead have to settle for leaching off the blood of the real things. These hosts Reid Sincerely (voiced by Mark "my only source of income is charging $10 for autographs at sci-fi conventions" Hamill) and Angela Arbuckle-Valentino (voiced by Lori Alan, whose voice-over credits span from such personal favorites as “Swat Kats: The Radical Squadron” to the 1990s “Fantastic Four” series to the much loved “Spongebob Squarepants” and the Simpsons-killer “Family Guy”), who are just as pretentious and transparent as the clowns they were made to parody.

The first segment is a preview for the commercial for the trailer for Quentin Tarantino's Snow White where, as one of Mark Hamill's other voices ominously tells us, "Quentin Tarantino puts the 'grim' back in fairy tales"... oye, I've heard funnier things rumble from my canine companion's spastic colon. It's basically what you'd expect, as Tarantino's two big pre-Kill Bill flicks (Pulp Fiction and Reservoir Dogs, duh) have their most notable scenes ripped from them and transplanted into a Snow White donor ala The Thing With Two Heads. Haven't I seen enough crappy parodies of Pulp Fiction and Reservoir Dogs without "The Wrong Coast" injecting another into my blood stream like some fatal air bubble?! Apparently not. I'll stick with "SNL"'s "Quentin Tarantino's Welcome Back, Kotter" thanx. "Shugah, UHN! Shugah shugah, UHN UHN!". Best Travolta skit evah!

The next unfunny stop-motion skit is "Celebrity Lawsuit", a kinda-combo of "Celebrity Justice", "Judge Judy" and "Bossom Buddies" where Tom Hanks and Tom Cruise dispute which is the Nicest Guy in Hollywood, as officiated over by TV judge Judy Shine... land... ling... loaf... errr, yeah. Okay, if nobody cared about this shit when it was on "Celebrity Deathmatch", what makes these guys think anyone would want to watch it without cartoon violence?! For anyone interested, the entire thing consists of Cruise and Hanks both spouting on about the praise the celeb rags have heaped on them as well as bowing out to each other constantly, as they're both "nice guys" and insist that the other talk before them while the plastic Judge Judy spouts out generic one-liner after generic one-liner... when the guy who gave this to me told me I had to be really drunk before watching it, I didn't believe him. I'm a fool and now I'm suffering for it.

A waste of 47 seconds of my life follows with a "Tom Cruise as Wilson™ the volleyball" clip before Reed takes us to commercial, wearing his improv lyricism on his sleeve. I would like to promptly remove that sleeve and strangle this moron with it, but considering the sleeve in question is only proverbial and the moron I'm referring to is made of clay, that statement carries little weight. I could be watching lucha libre right now, but for some crazy reason I'm not...

Upon return from our commercials (you're kidding, there are actually people willing to back this tripe financially?!), we pay witness to the neurotic adopted-daughter marrying dork Woody Allen in "Woody Allen's Spider-Man". As you can guess, it's the Tobey Maguire blockbuster with the hero whining and trying to be funny with "humorous" insights on his crappy personal life. Not great, but amidst the crap "Coast" has been rubbing on my leg so far, this is definitely the least rancid piece of meat on a rapidly decaying bovine corpse.

"T-Rex and the City" follows, as extinct reptiles in wigs carrying purses and wearing necklaces sit around a table drinking, eating mammals and discussing their crappy, cry-baby little relationships. On the plus side, at least in this version Big dies horribly, engulfed by a tar pit. I'll refrain from all "sticky situation" jokes so as to help move this crap along. Just call me Exlax™.

The next commercial break comes after the promise of "Mud Wrestling for UNICEF", but returns instead with a preview of "60 Minutes: the Movie". This is of course marketed as a summer clockbuster (ouch on my part) starring the same old pale caricatures of Cameron Diaz, Samuel L. Jackson, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Keanu Reeves as they take investigative reporting to the Nth level of kung-fu and explosions, opening up avenues for the sequel "60 More Minutes" and "Larry King: First Blood".

And thankfully, that's the end of that chapter. I no longer need to be funny. I no longer need to comment on this pig shit intestinal blockage. I figured it'd suck from the start, but even the worst of "Celebrity Deathmatch" wasn't as bad as this. The animation itself is fine. I give the puppeteers/animators/sculptors/whomever responsible their credit whereas credit is due. The figures look like the celebrities they're modeled after, things run smoothly, yadda yadda yadda. My harshness is born from the bubbling tar pits of monster goo that manifests itself in the shape of "Wrong Coast"'s atrociously unfunny jokes and the limited range of believable voice acting, both supplied by Luke fucking Skywalker. I enjoyed your work on “Batman and Robin” and “Spider-Man”, but Mark Hamill, you suck. Do everyone a favor and put yourself into the self-imposed exile you so richly deserve. Find a nice abandoned cave somewhere, wall yourself up in it and eat bugs and slime the rest of your mercifully short lifespan.

On the plus side, I could always strap this onto the end of a stick and point it at people who piss me off on the street, forever plaguing them with genital warts or whatever kind of damage that only close contact with this type of tempered turd will bring to a person. Twice as effective as dog shit with none of the messy clean up! Will this show ever see the light of day on an American television network? I don't think even UPN would pony up the $40 to buy the rights to this monster. Let Canada have it.