Spend all your money as soon as possible. That way if you die suddenly, you won’t lose anything. Similarly, never buy a birthday gift for somebody too early in the year. They might die before their birthday.
Never buy life insurance. When you collect it, you will be dead, and the insurance money will do you no good.
Never wash your towels. The only time you use them, you are clean, so they never get dirty.
During the winter, run your furnace at a very high heat. If you keep your house warm enough, no cold will be able to get in and you’ll save money.
Never change the oil in your car. If you change the oil and then total the car in a wreck, all that new oil will go to waste.
If you live in an apartment where utilities are included, always use as much water, electricity, heat and air conditioning as you can, even if it makes you too warm or too cold. Otherwise, you won’t get your share.
Common Sense When Driving
If you see a speed trap up ahead and you’re speeding, then speed up more. If you’re going very fast the police will decide it’s too much trouble to chase you down. And besides, if you’re going fast enough, they might not even see you, especially if they’re busy writing a ticket for someone else.
If you pull up to railroad gates that are just closing, you have at least a minute before the train will come. The people who designed the gates made sure there is a hefty delay. The first two cars in line can safely pull around the gates.
Dealing with People
If you hurt somebody’s feelings, avoid them for a few months. If you wait long enough, they’ll forget what happened.
If you borrow something and it breaks, pretend it was broken when you received it. That way, you’ll not only be able to avoid fixing it, but you’ll avoid putting your friend in the embarrassing position of having to be gracious about it. Alternatively, just pretend you never borrowed it.
If you swing your car door open too forcefully and dent the car next to you, back out and park in another space. If there is no other space, at least pull forward a foot or two so that your door won’t align with the dent.
If a cashier mistakenly undercharges you, just walk away. They’ll probably overcharge you next time anyway.
If someone drops some money and doesn’t realize they dropped it, wait until they leave and then pick it up. The person who lost it doesn’t know the value of money and doesn’t deserve to keep it. If someone else makes a move to pick it up, pick it up quickly and tell them you dropped it.
Lines
If a lane is going to disappear up ahead and all the other lanes are bumper to bumper, zoom to the end of the lane that will be closing. The people you squeeze in front of will probably think you’re from out of town and will think that you didn’t know the lane was going to disappear. If they won’t let you in, inch forward while slowly cutting them off and never look at them. You’ll never see them again anyway.
If you’re at the end of a long line at the grocery store and a new line opens up, rush forward to get in the front of the new line and don’t look back. The people in front of you are daydreaming and if you hesitate, someone will jump ahead of you who probably wasn’t even in line in the first place.