Countries disagree about things from time to time and sometimes there doesn’t seem to be any way to settle arguments. When that happens, the countries go to war with each other. They fight for many reasons. Sometimes they fight because one country wants another country’s land. Sometimes they fight because one country wants another country’s natural resources like water or oil. The way it works is that each country puts together an army, which contains lots of men. They give each man weapons such as guns, and grenades, and flame throwers, and knives. Each man is then told to start walking towards the other country. The rules are simple. If you see a person from the other country, you are supposed to kill them. You don’t ask them any questions, such as whether they like poetry or music or dogs. You don’t ask if they have children or grandparents or brothers and sisters. You just kill them. And after they’re dead, you just leave them where they drop. You don’t have to bury them or anything because they are the enemy. After your army is done killing everybody, bulldozers are sent to push all the dead people from the other country into ditches, and then dirt is pushed on top of them. But if anybody from your army is killed, you put them in shiny caskets and fold a flag and say prayers. You also get madder at your enemy because they killed your friend. So then it’s OK to go and kill more people from your enemy’s country. This system of fighting war has always been done this way and works very well.
Even when there is no war, everybody is expecting one. For that reason, all the countries decide in advance who will be friends and who will be enemies. That way, if a war breaks out, each country knows who to fight. When another country fights with us, they are always wrong. We are always right. Some bad countries fight for the wrong reasons. For example, some countries fight because they are greedy or mean. But we always fight wars for noble reasons. Sometimes we fight to protect our friends, who might be willing to sell us something we need. Sometimes we fight because we know that the bad people are getting stronger and so we have to attack them first before they can attack us. When that happens, we talk to all our friends first and try to get them to fight with us. That way, we can keep track of who is bad and who is good. For example, sometimes one of our friends decides they don’t want to help us attack the bad countries. When that happens, we know that they have become bad people too. Of course then we try to get our friends to attack them too.
Long ago, people fought wars in unfair ways. They used horrible weapons that killed too many people. And they killed people like moms and babies in the enemy country who weren’t in the army. We don’t do that anymore. Our army only kills people who are in the other army. Except sometimes the people in the other army hide in cities and in houses where there are moms and babies. Then we have no choice but to kill everybody in those cities and in those houses. But we don’t want to do that. The bad people in the other army make us do that by hiding where they’re not supposed to be. In fact, their willingness to put their moms and babies in danger by hiding among them just goes to show how bad our enemies are.
And as for horrible weapons, we don’t use them anymore. We only keep the horrible weapons around in case another country decides to use them. If another country decides to use the horrible weapons, then of course we would have to use them too. But we don’t want to do that. If only the bad countries would get rid of all their horrible weapons, we could too. But as usual, the bad countries are selfish and mean and put us all in great danger. My country only uses good weapons that kill people quickly and don’t leave a big mess. Except for flame throwers and incendiary bombs and land mines. They make a mess. But we have to use them to make sure we always win.
Another thing the bad countries do is to torture our people when they catch them during a war. They torture them to make them talk. They ignore the fact that our people are good decent people and our enemies hurt them when they are helpless to fight back. Our enemies are cowards who hurt defenseless people. We never hurt defenseless people because we are a good country. If we want someone to talk, we never torture anybody. We just lower the thermostat and freeze them a little bit or maybe tie them up so that it’s a little hard for them to move or breathe. And if we really do need to torture somebody, we never do it ourselves. We send them to one of our friend countries who don’t mind torturing people when it’s being done for good reasons. That way we never have to torture anybody.
My country is a wonderful country and God is on our side whenever we fight a war. God knows that we are not bad or selfish or mean and always makes sure we win.
On Protesting
Being different makes no sense at all. It’s pretty clear how things ought to be done, and it’s impossible to understand those people who insist on doing things differently. For example, every good person who is not twisted in the head wants to live the type of life that is best for everybody. We need to get past school somehow and then grow up and get a job and then get married and have kids. Normal people want to get a big house with air conditioning and some cars with air conditioning and a big screen TV and some cell phones and maybe even a boat. Some boats are even air conditioned. Not only is that a wholesome way to live, but it’s good for the economy too. If you buy lots of things, then there are jobs for everybody. It’s true that most things are not made in this country anymore, but buying things still provides jobs because our country has lots of stores and services that support the economy. It’s our economy that makes this the best place in the world to live. We are a rich country and don’t have to live in little houses with a lot of other people. And if we want something, we just buy it. And if we don’t have the money right when we want to buy something, we can use our credit cards. I have no idea why countries that are full of poor people don’t just start using credit cards so that everybody can buy the things they want.
Here’s another thing about people who insist on being different. There’s no reason why people should cause trouble all the time by complaining about the way things are. First of all, things are great and there’s no reason to complain. But on top of that, if people would spend their time having barbecues in their back yards and tailgate parties for their teams then the place would be friendly and fun and people wouldn’t need to complain.