I know I went once to the auto salvage lot
and stared at the car that my wife had picked out
because she said it looked heavy and safe.
It looked so peaceful lying there.
All was still and motionless
belying the fury that had played itself out
in just a few savage instants.
I remember trying to open the door on the driver’s side
but it would open only a few inches or so
before it fought back, stubborn,
reluctant to yield its secrets.
The other door wouldn’t open at all.
Finally I crawled through the window
careful not to cut myself on the jagged edges
and sat on the broken glass
in the seat where she had sat.
I held the steering wheel that she had held
in the car that we had bought because it looked heavy and safe.
I wondered what she had thought of
as she last held the wheel I was holding.
I wondered if she had thought of me.
Between the seats I found a tube of lip gloss
and a scrap of paper with a grocery list on it.
Apparently we needed more of the oatmeal that we ate each morning,
a loaf of potato bread,
light bulbs,
and some paper towels.
I put the lip gloss in my pocket
but I left the grocery list in the shattered car.
I haven’t eaten oatmeal since.
Usually I just have toast and some coffee.
On a Sunday morning I sometimes put on one of her shirts,
one of the old beat up shirts she gardened in,
and I sit in her chair at the kitchen table
while I eat my toast and drink my coffee.
After the accident I didn’t really know what to do
I know I spent a lot of time wandering around the site of the crash.
Mostly I sat across the road and stared at the spot,
thinking that I had driven past this place a thousand times before the wreck
but had never really seen it.
I found some small pieces of red plastic.
I think they must have been from the lens of the turn signal lights.
Other than that all I found was a dark stain on the gravel
and the stub of a burned out flare.
I think the stain must have been motor oil
or maybe antifreeze.
Its shape on the ground looked a little bit like Mickey Mouse’s head
except that one ear was bigger than the other.
After the accident I didn’t really know what to do with myself
so I didn’t do anything for a while.
In fact, to tell you the truth,
I’m still not doing much of anything now.
I just brew up a pot of coffee every once in a while,
and maybe cook up a couple of slices of toast.