I am happy to be able to tell you that my days are no longer spent thinking of nothing but you. I have allowed other things to distract me, so that I think of you now only hundreds of times each day rather than the thousands of before. I have settled into a simple routine that you would not recognize. I watch soaps in the afternoon and our game shows in the evening, after which I count out my next day’s pills before going to bed. You would probably be surprised to see how many pills I now take. The pill bottles were always yours when you were here, but mine have gradually replaced them. I’m not complaining though because I know I am lucky to have them.
Our boys have grown up to be strong young men. Sometimes I see traces of you in their actions and in their faces. But they are not you. They want so to be like you but somehow can not. They have your stubbornness at times, but know nothing of your gentleness. Still, you trained them well and they are good men. I want for nothing here. When I call with a problem, one or another soon arrives and helps me but they have their own families to raise and I will not ask too much of them.
So many things have happened in this world since you were taken away, it’s hard for me sometimes to accept that you know nothing of them. In so many cases it’s just as well. Just as when you were still here, man seems capable of visiting any degree of evil on other men. You and I built a loving sanctuary here and I have to admit that I feel now vulnerable and unguarded. I am so alone without you. You must think I have become a complainer now but I have not, as I tell no one how I feel but you. Just as before, you are the one I turn to.
You would find it strange I’m sure to know that I no longer sew or knit. My fingers grow stiff on most days and even if they would allow me to sew, my eyes would not. And so now, not just one but both of my loves are gone. For some reason I can’t bring myself to get rid of my sewing things. I still have all my spools and skeins of yarn and of course, my scissors. Though I treasure them, I sometimes feel as if they subtly mock me, for I can do nothing more with them than hold them in my lap and feel their lost purpose.
And so it is with all the many reminders you left here for me to see and to hold. There are times when I look at the shelves you built in the kitchen for me and imagine that I can see you again in your overalls, standing on the ladder, turning that final screw into the wall in your easy casual way. I remember that as you did those things for me, I would often do my own chores, grateful for your kind attention but too busy to really let you know how much I appreciated the many things you did for me. I would give anything now to be able to interrupt you as you work in our house and just hold your hand. Just for one minute, to take your hand in mine and to hug you tenderly again. But we don’t get second chances, do we?
No. No second chances.
In the first months that you were gone, I questioned if I could bear the loss. The rhythms of my life were indistinguishable from yours after so many years of love and support together. When you have cared for someone for a lifetime and been cared for as well in return, the world suddenly becomes empty when they are torn away. It’s impossible to say what I miss most, but sometimes I think it is your touch. I get hugs and little pecks on the cheek from our boys but I long for your hand in my hair or on my shoulders. There was never a time in my life when I went without touch. My mother combed my hair and lavished love on me and you did the same. And now the only touch I feel is my own. I never would have imagined how I could miss it. Nor how much I could miss you. I realize too late that I took our time together for granted. I felt at the time that I was letting you know how I loved you but I see now that I didn’t tell you often enough. It was all so easy, so natural. It seemed as if it would never end. But it has ended now. I miss so many things now about you and could easily list them but rather than do so, I will just say that I miss the best friend I ever had and that any woman could ever hope to have.
I love you so and always will.
Good night, my love.