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NOSEDOG'S GUIDE TO
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NOSEDOG'S GUIDE TO
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who is the pantsman?
If you don't know the answer to this question, give yourself an uppercut.
The All Australian Pantsman took the world by storm with "The Pantsman Diaries", tales of his
cricket tour
of England and Europe. With the fiery determination that only Aussies possess he managed to
score more
than ordinary men do in a lifetime. Cricket has never been the same since The Pantsman walked
to the center.
The Top Aussie Team took the new ball and went head to head with the legendary Pantsman,
and the winner was Australia.
www.thepantsman.com
Full name: Pantsman
Location:
My workbench.
Why are Aussies so tops?
Good question. I don't know that it is anything specific as such.
Basically we're just superior in every aspect. Good looking,
piss-funny and with unsurpassed stamina to drink and chase naughty
little bunnies for hours on end.
Your test century statistics are bloody impressive.
Are they all fair dinkum or have you occasionally cooked the books?
Interesting question, but one that I'd rather let go through
to the 'keeper. I prefer to keep that part a mystery. Let's
just say that only my mates and myself know the answer.
Family as well as future girlfriends/wives need not know.
If you bat so brilliantly on tour, how well
do you perform back in Adelaide with the home ground advantage?
Mate, Adelaide was a difficult track, although I still managed
to score my fair share of tons. But considering that we have
the oldest population in Oz doesn't really make for a one-day
run blitz, does it? Unless you're into the 35+ range of
stinking bucket fannies.
After careful reflection on the Adelaide social scene though,
I still reckon (without generalizing about ALL Adelaide chickens)
that to score at any of the bars/clubs you need to show some
respect to the bowlers before they will deliver a loose ball
for you to cart over the rope. What I mean by that is, you
need to express a half-interest in their pointless conversation
as well as an acceptance of their blatant pretentiousness until
you can split the white posts. After that well, you know the rest.
But I don't have time for little games. I'm there to do a job,
and to secure a win as quickly as possible.
Boonie once broke a bat in a test match. Have
you ever lost wood?
I can honestly say it's only happened a couple of times,
which I reckon is pretty lucky. If ever I have had a problem with my bat,
it's keeping the bastard down! Get me on public transport... and there's
issues. Ever heard of the "traveller"?
Your diaries have often angered the opposing team.
Any regrets?
No. They know they love it.
What advice would you give the youngsters aspiring
to be the Pantsmen of tomorrow?
Practice makes perfect. Put in the hard yards and your rewards will
follow. I had a pretty tough slog in the summer leading up to my tour,
but I knew in the long run there would be minge handed to me on a plate
one day.
Professional athletes now use sports visualisation
to improve their performance. Do you ever visualise yourself scoring a
massive century?
Well if I did it'd probably be messy. Seriously though, I do think back
to past innings if I am going through any type of slump, just to reassure
myself that there are gaggers out there waiting to join my tour. I also
have a set pre-match warm-up routine, usually in the form of a few stretches
to some sleazy dance tracks thumping from my CD player next to the workbench.
Then I just run out and crash through the banner.
Steve Waugh has his lucky red hanky. You?
3 helmets in the right pocket each time I walk out to the middle.
Pantsman book/movie?
I'd love to do a book, so now is probably a good time to put the call
out there: does anyone know a publisher who can turn the "Pants Diaries"
into a paperback?! I am hesitant to release the new diaries until I can
secure a book deal, which is annoying for the fans because there's
certainly a big hype about the diaries from this season (2000).
As for a movie, I've had a lot of interest from the readers - I reckon
it would be a pisser! Kind of a "Debbie Does Dallas" meets "The
Adventures of Ford Fairlane" meets "Swingers" a certain recipe for
politically incorrect sleaze and mayhem.
Retirement. Any plans on calling it stumps?
No set plans as such, but I've certainly given it some consideration
over the past few months. But the problem I foresee is finding a girl
who I actually respect. Someone who actually has something interesting
to add to a conversation and who keeps me on my toes. Oh yeah, a school
dress, huge set of cans and blonde pigtails would also help.
Onya Pantsman, you're a Top Aussie
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