Extended AIM Profile

Women - More Specifically, Columbia Women

"Dre: You shouldn't take advantage of her, it's not fair.

Eminem: Yo, look at her bush, does it got hair? Fuck this bitch right here on the spot bare…"

Columbia women are a rare breed. Well, actually they're like women anywhere, it's just that I'm not a big fan of Columbia. Anything I can say to make the city look bad, I'll take full advantage of.

Story #1 - Trick Or Treat

During a night out drinking (which happened to be Halloween) w/ Captain Phil, Rusty, & Miss Gabrielle we decided to head to a bar called Group Therapy. On our way, Phil picked up…err, better yet some girl named Jen latched on to Phil. Now this isn't to be confused with the fun spirited, fair skinned, blonde haired dish with good boobs (ahem…digs into vault, jenden75: and second, you have my permission to sing my praises anytime you want to O:-) jenden75: and thanks for the boobs compliment- i hear more and more that apparently they are a claim to fame for me :-D) that is Miss Jen. That Jen would never get this drunk SOLO. Well, maybe not solo in public.

Anyways, she follows us around for a while and Phil and I entertain ourselves with her presence. She was so bad off that it was still mildly entertaining as to how drunk she was. That was until she wouldn't go away. Well realizing she wasn't leaving anytime soon, we decided to just make the best of it. Phil went to go get a pitcher of beer, Gabe toted Rusty's drunk ass to a booth, and I was just standing there talking to Jen when what has easily been conversation of the year happened:

Jen: Hey, come here. T_Piddy (leans in): Yes

Jen: Do you want head? T_Piddy: No, I just want a beer.

Jen: I give head. T_Piddy: That's nice hun, I just want a beer.

Yeah, I turned down a blowjob from a pretty, drunk girl for a Bud Light. I don't know if that one of the most honorable or most foolish things I've done in my lifetime.

(Terence: No that just goes to show you who runs things around here. (pops collar)

T_Piddy: I swear I hate you (gives Terence the finger))

Story #2 - Pita Poppin' On A Handstand

Scene: Pita Pit in Columbia after a *gasp* good day at work. I decided to treat myself to a nice warm pita. Considering it was 3am there wasn't anyone in there other than the 2 workers and 2 cute white girls. Here's what happened:

Worker: Hey man, how's it going? What can I get for you? T_P: Could I get a turkey pita?

Worker: Sure, what would you like on it? T_P: Lettuce, onions, pickles…

(At this point I feel a pair of arms wrap around me and start to do what can only be described as molestation at it's finest)

Random Girl: Hi. T_P: *puzzledlook* Hi

Worker: Do you know this girl? T_P: Nope. Anyways, pickles, mayonnaise,….

RG: Hey, aren't you going to hug me? T_P: I don't even know who you are.

Worker: You sure you don't know her? T_P: Positive. Anyways, honey mustard, teriyaki sauce, and a little oil.

RG: All I want is a hug. T_P: (hugs Random Girl)

RG: Thanks. Where are you from?

RG2: Rachel!! Leave him alone, we're going home. And no eating in the car.

Rachel: Alrighty. It was nice meeting you. You should come back to our place.

(RG2 grabs Rachel by the arm and pulls her out the door)

Worker2: *shakeshead* Drunk broads

Da Metro sure has some interesting girls. Apparently they work on a sliding scale. If a beer will get me a blowjob and a pita will get me felt up, I'm sure a doughnut will warrant a handshake whereas crack might land me a girl that'll let me "Facebook Her!"

(Terence *shakeshead* I apologize for that one. He's a dirty one.)

Story #3 - Nothing Random, But I Need A Lead-In

After the Carolina / Clemson Women's Basketball Game, Big Game James, Brian, and myself all took three young ladies out for a nice night out. Opening doors for them. No profanity. Pulling out chairs. Did they appreciate it? To an extent I think they did, but not completely. Talk about demoralizing. And you girls wonder why there's no good guys around. We get treated like this… But anywhoo, Big Game James took offense to this, because it so goes against his # 1 motto: "Whoever goes out with me for a night is gonna have a damn good time or my name ain't James." He runs back to the crib, then off grabs some free passes, then off to salvage the night (that wasn't completely low) at Platinum Plus…

Tales From The Strip Club

"Every nigga in the party wanted to get with the bitch, look like she was fuckin' an invisible dick"

- Too $hort ft. Lil Jon

Truth be told, this was a pretty ho-hum trip. Considering I've written about some strip club, somewhere, in some fashion in EVERY EAP since graduation, there's only so much that can happen until the novelty wears off. This trip was cool for three reasons tho.

Number 1 - there was a feature performer, so ALL the girls were there that night trying to feed off the extra patrons. Wasn't a seat in the house. Considering there were easily 40 girls there that night, that's quite understandable.

Number 2 - AlexanderDaGreat was visiting the Platinum Plus in Greenville that night. This quickly became a cellular competition of "top this." He had me beat after he got a free lap dance in exchange for a Lance Armstrong bracelet that a stripper wanted. Apparently she was looking for one and couldn't find it anywhere but ADG's wrist.

Number 3 - But things swung back in my favor real quick. While standing by the bar (oogling the girls of course), I caught a glimpse of an old guy and I thought to myself, "The guy looks like Ric Flair." Behind I see a tall blonde fella, followed buy a mountain of a man. Well after realizing that I was looking at Ric Flair, Triple H, and Batista (collectively known as "Evolution") to say I damn near had a mental breakdown would be an understatement. I think I clawed the shit out of BGJ's back to get his attention w/o making a scene. His reaction was even more priceless - yeah, he definitely stood there for about 2 mins w/ his mouth agape. Well more stuff happened, but for the sake of space, I'll just hit the high points…

· They're nice guys. Batista spoke to BGJ and I got to have a small conversation with Ric Flair. Triple H - well his ass stayed in the Champagne Lounge the whole time, so no info on him.

· Apparently they can't read maps. They had a show in Augusta, GA on Friday and a show in Savannah, GA on Saturday. I'm not sure as to why they decided to go to the PP in Columbia, SC of all places (yeah, so NOT on the way) that Friday night, but they've got money so I guess it doesn't matter.

· Ric Flair may be a legend. He may be a 16-time World Heavyweight Champion. He may be a wheelin' dealin, kiss stealin, limousine ridin', jet flyin', son of a gun (WHOOO!!!), but he doesn't wash his hands after taking a piss. That definitely knocked him down a peg or two in my book.

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