February 26, 2003

Today I spent a lot of time on the tumbling tracks going through different passes for my floor routine. I have been toying around with various ones, trying to find those that I like best. And also, I worked on some of my leaps too, to make sure that the ones I have fit the music. I really like that portion of my routine. It's powerful and energetic - just like me!

I got a letter from Zipporah yesterday! She's been topping the rankings at Cascade for the past couple of weeks, but she's been stressing about some things in her life. I really think she needs to put all that stuff behind her and just focus on having fun. Afterall, why do most people get involved in gymnastics?

Alright, that's a bad question. A lot of gymnasts do get involved with the sport because of other reasons. And that is a shame. Luckily for Regina, Alana and myself, we all got involved because we wanted something to do. We just so happened to find it in gymnastics. Mom and dad were off doing their thing, so they weren't the token gym parents who were around to oversee my every move.

Hmm...lessee....nothing much else to report today.

SamIam

February 25, 2003

I slept really well last night, and for once, Alyssa didn't have to wake me up by beating me senseless with a pillow. I am sure she is happy with that, seeing as she expended a lot of extra energy. It wouldn't have been good if it was just for nothing.

No real structured workouts today. I was rather quiet in practice. Not sure if Coack Nick picked up on it, but he moved through things at his usual pace and with his usual good nature.

After practice, I worked on some of my school work. It's strange to be back at the schools here. I wonder if anyone thinks that us Topopolilly people are a bunch of weirdos - coming in and out of their classes like its nothing. But with so many new gymnasts coming and going, I am sure it's natural.

I started taking Russian at Crystal Lake, and I have actually continued doing it since coming here. I have a Russian pen pal. Her name is Olesia Sorokinova. She has an older sister, Agnessa, who is competitive on the international circut. Olesia isn't sure if she wants to be, but she says that she will take it one day at a time. I hope that maybe we'll get to meet each other sometime at a competition. It would be really cool to talk to her and get to know her in person.

Speaking of which, I think I'll go send her a letter, along with one to Zipporah.

SamIam

February 24, 2003

Coming back to Topopolilly, I wasn't really sure how much I would want to put myself out there emotionally with the other gymnasts here. Sure, I am roommates with Alyssa and we talk about quite a bit, like most roomies do. Not to mention that Lyss is so easy to open up to.

And probably the number one thing that she has in her favor is the fact that she treats me like my own person - not Alana's little sister. Even though I know she's friends with Alana, she's one of the only people at Topo who really look at me for ME.

I feel bad that I had to leave with my injury just when I was getting to know a lot of the gymnasts here. Ashley's leaving, but Dominique is still here. I would like to continue our collaboration to reach the top of the rankings. She and I sort of made an unofficial pact to train and encourage each other, seeing as we're part of a really small group of juniors who don't plan to move up anytime soon.

Oh! Did you know that Dominique and Kayla are practically at war? The battle lines have been drawn, I swear. It doesn't help that rankings feul the fire, huh? Kayla is #2 and Dominique is #4 and I am sure they are going to be battling to beat each other out. Nevermind who is number one completely in the gym. I don't think that will matter as much as who is number one between those two.

I guess one of the things I would like to do in the gym, is try and get to know more people and spread myself around. Being a hermit will get me no where. And so many people have come up to me since my return and have said that things haven't been the same around here. One could think that they are just saying that, but I guess my idealistic mind would like to believe that I made a difference when I was here before.

Let's see....what else exciting happened today? Ah Yes. Working out. Today was so much fun in the gym, despite some not so brilliant moments on bars. Coach Nick was very encouraging though. I think he knows that I love bars to no end, so I work very hard on it. I tend to be a perfectionist, but he helps to keep my view in perspective.

Coach Michael has been very encouraging too. I've spoken with him about my interest in changing some of my beam routine and he's given me some ideas to work with. Also, when the rest of the gymnasts left, I performed my new floor routine to him. He had a grim expression on his face when I stepped off the mats, but I think he recognized that this was a selection I put my heart and soul into. He said that he admired the work I had put into it and was especially impressed with my improved dance and expression, which he said seemed rather lacking or haphazard in my Smash Mouth routine.

Coach Soyon had watched too, although I didn't know this until I was leaving the gym and she pulled me aside. She wasn't a big fan of the music, but she liked the extension I had in my leaps and the choreography in between the moves.

I was so ecstatic! So much so that I actually had no problem sitting down with Coach Dan to hear his critique of my tumbling and vaulting. I don't know why he gets such a bad rap from so many of the gymnasts. But I guess I have a tough skin, and I have no qualms with talking back to him when he's trying to break me down. Granted, I do it in a respectful and sugary sweet way, so it's hard for him to keep it up. Call it a trait I have from my mother. Thank you mommy!

SamIam

February 23, 2003

I actually got to practice today, and it felt good to get my feet wet! It's hard to believe that I have been away so long. I have forgotten how the equipment squeaks and shifts just so, as if moving to the music of our gymnastics. I almost wondered if that was why I made so many mistakes today - focusing too much on that and not enough on the actual gymnastics.

It'll be interesting to see what kind of progress I make this next week. I know that I am capable of being in the top 10...and even in the top 5. So that's where I would like to see myself again. It won't be an easy task considering things have gotten pretty competitive around here.

BUT...It's not like I have been sitting on my butt in New Hampshire doing nothing, so I am not out of shape. In fact, I think I am in better shape now than before. My back certainly feels stronger, despite my somewhat timid approach to training sometimes. I think that is normal after any injury.

Other aspects of my training are stronger as well. I did a lot of weight training when I was away, so I am a little bulkier than I was when I left. Not much, but still enough. My abs were pretty strong before I left, but that was one area I was required to work hard on to strengthen my back. Every kind of sit up or crunch you can imagine I did faithfully and painfully for an entire month. And more than likely I shall continue them faithfully and painfully for the rest of my career.

Returning to "rankings" real quick, I have come back to Topo to find out that my beloved Pop Squad has been trounced in the recent "Squads Alive" competition. That was primarily due to the fact that they didn't have a full roster. I feel really bad about that! Poor Coach Nick must've been heartbroken at the humiliating loss! Even with my return, Pop's woes are not over yet. Ashley is leaving, which is really tragic. Not only was she a wonderful competitor, but she was great for the squad and Topo's morale. It's so sad! I will miss her!

The rest of the Pop Squad who have been around and still training (Marie is injuried) have been holding their own. Sarah and Jennie are 7th and 8th respectively in the rankings, and Brook is 17th. Even though I've only been back for a short while, I've been given a temporary ranking of 21 (out of 22).

Okies, the last thing I will mention before I go visit Dominique is that I cut my hair! Not too much, but it is shorter than I am use to. It should be fun to play around with. I want to go shopping and pick out some new clothes. I feel like I need to spruce up this whole new me!

SamIam

February 22, 2003

I had planned on working out today, but I ended up spending the day in the weight room and in dance class. This was mostly because my paper work hadn't come through to the trainers. My uncle ended up having to call and talk with Coach Lois and some of the other coaches about the status of my back and by the time that all was done, it was too late for me to really get much out of a practice. Although I did spend a lot of time afterwards working on some final touches to my new floor routine.

I know I have been saying for quite some time now that it will get done and all that, but I finally was able to do it. I have to give the gymnasts at Snowy River a lot of props because when I was there and training lightly with them, they all had strong floor routines. Of any team I've ever trained with or competed against, I think they have been the most consistently strong team on that event. That's not to say that they aren't very good on their other events, but collectively, they have such a high standard on floor.

I think one of the reasons they are so strong is because a lot of the gymnasts are in a theatre/drama group at their school together. They also sing and dance and some even do cheerleading. I can definitely see how these things would add a lot to their ability to perform solid routines. Working with them helped me with some new ideas for my own routine.

Anyways, there are a few little aspects of the routine that I am still not 100% happy with, but I am sure they will be worked out during the next practices. Additionally, when I perform it for the first time, I'll be able to see how well it does and what other areas might benefit from improvement.

I am going to shoot for the American Classic for my first performance of it. I am really looking forward to getting back into the competitive mindset. It might be hard, because being away, I've really not spent a lot of time pining for not being in the mix of things. I left Topo thinking that I could be at the top. I still think that is possible, but it won't happen overnight. I have to set realistic goals for myself and work to reach them at a methodical pace.

In terms of my gymnastics goals, finishing my floor routine and updating my beam and bars routines is something I would like to do. I want to make sure that I can be as competitive as possible here. I would focus on changing my vaults to be more competitive, but I am happy with where I am at in that regard. I will never be the best vaulter. As long as I can get to a point of being consistent, I will be happy.

Alyssa and I stayed up to all hours of the night last night talking, along with some other girls around the gym. There is a meet this weekend, so some of them have left to participate. The rest of us can take over the dorms!

Mwahaha!

SamIam

February 21, 2003

Well, I am officially back! Well, not training yet because it's Friday night, but back at Topo nonetheless! I have so much stuff to share with everyone and so little time. But I guess I should start at the beginning, right?

Well, the past month has been spent with my Aunt Yvonne (who inspired my middle name) and Uncle Albert. And of course, staying with them meant I also stayed with my two cousins, Annabella and Benjamin. Annabella is also a gymnast and competes for Snowy River Gymnastics. But she is starting to move away from being competitive and towards being a coach. I think that is because she has had quite a few reoccuring injuries with her legs, and it's often painful for her to be as intense as she once was.

But...that doesn't mean that her life isn't very interesting. I don't think I ever really mentioned it before, but she is dating one of my old coaches. Yes, you read right. Annabella is dating Coach Jason Morgan from Crystal Lake. Apparently they met at a level 10 meet. It was a little strange when she came to visit in Louisiana and they told me about it, but they actually make quite a cute couple if you ask me. Granted, there is the whole age factor, but that's besides the point. OOO! Well, maybe not! Uncle Albert kind of looked like he had steam coming out of his ears when she finally mentioned him. Benjy and I were hanging around outside of his den and snooping when the news broke.

"He's how old exactly?" Uncle Albert asked, trying to keep his cool. Using his index finger, he jammed his wire rimmed glassed further up on the bridge of his nose, settling his steely gaze on Annabella.

My cousin seemed to cower back at being the center of it. "He's....twenty-five," she said feebily. Then she straightened up and cleared her throat. "And I love him."

Albert raised his eyebrows in a questioning manner. "Oh you do, huh? You're sure about this? It's not just him trying to manipulate you, is it? Because so help me, Bella, if that is the case -"

"Daddy!"

Benjy and I didn't stay much longer after that, because we were afraid of getting caught outside the door listening in. If it wasn't Annabella and Uncle Albert, it would have been Aunt Yvonne. And if there is one thing I hate it's hearing someone yell, "Samantha Yvonne DeBrinski!" in a manner that isn't pleasant.

There were plenty of other exciting things that happened in New Hampshire, but I am too tired to go through them all. It should provide me with plenty of stuff to fill my journal with in the coming weeks!

I am so happy to be back and now I am going to give Alyssa her Donna's T-shirt and go hang out with the girls! MWAHAHAHA!

SamIam

February 19

Well, it's Wednesday and I am currently packing so that I can return to Topo! I am so excited.

February 8

Donnas Concert

January 20

The first day back at Topopolilly for practice. But the back is still hurting something awful and I ended up not going to the squad workout. Even doing my lighter workout in the afternoon was painful. And I am not talking about a pain here and there. This was shooting pain all over my lower region. I could barely move one way or another. I went to the trainer, and he thinks it might be a back strain or a sprain. I made a doctor's appointment for tomorrow.

In other events, I went to the Linkin Park concert with Alyssa and a few others.

January 19

Despite the naggin back pains and the somewhat dim prospects at the meet, I am still rather optimistic. We only did a light workout in Dallas before we came home, but I made it through. Things are quiet around here, but the next meet roster has been announced. I'm not scheduled to go. And many people are probably wondering why I am not more upset about that. But I really want to stay home and rest my back. Plus, Alana's opening is this week. I am hoping that I'll be able to go see it. Mom and Dad will probably be coming out east to stay with my Aunt Yvonne and Uncle Al.

As for the rest of the month, I still want to aim for the top spots in the gym, if my back will allow. And I also want to finish working on my floor routine and possibly adding some new skills on bars and beam. I can be at the top - I know I can. I just need to focus and do it.

SamIam

January 18

It's hard to say what I think about the meet. It was actually a little folly-ish. When I arrived to compete, I found out that I was registered as a senior competitor. And really, that wasn't so bad because it was only a regional meet and national qualifier. So the coaches and myself weren't in a lot of trouble for it.

So, I competed as a senior. And I didn't do half bad. I did horrible on vault - an 8.775. But I rebounded on bars, which I am very happy with. I scored my meet high of a 9.500, which even pushed some of the seniors for a top score. On beam and floor I didn't do so bad either, but my back was obviously killing me. I had horrible form on beam, and my low start value on floor pretty much killed me there. But I connected with the crowd, and that was the important thing. Even though I haven't done that routine in forever, I danced it. Alana would have been proud. Overall, I placed 14th out of nearly 30 seniors. Not that bad, if you ask me. I'll play with the big kids any day of the week.

But I am so tired now and I just want to go home and sleep in my bed and not on a hard as a rock hotel room's or reclined in a plane chair. It does nothing for my back. Well, maybe the hard as a rock thing, but it isn't especially comfortable unless you are dead tired anyway.

Everyone else is going out to enjoy Dallas. I think I will go too. It will take my mind off my back.

SamIam

January 17, 2003

Well, I woke up this morning and my back actually felt pretty decent. We had a practice with all of our team and it seemed to go pretty well. I focused on the floor routine I planned to do, because it's not really something I do that often. While a lot of others went out around Dallas, I kind of stuck around to watch some of the gymnasts from competing gyms practice. There are a lot of great skills being performed, and I was really in awe of how much difficulty there is, especially among the junior competitors.

After watching for a while, I went back to the hotel room and read the play. Folks, it is officially official! I love Oscar Wilde. He is absolutely brilliant. And I will probably be walking around for the next week or so quoting him. I laughed not even two lines into the first act.

Algernon. Did you hear what I was playing, Lane?

Lane. I didn’t think it polite to listen, sir.

Algernon. I’m sorry for that, for your sake. I don’t play accurately - any one can play accurately - but I play with wonderful expression. As far as the piano is concerned, sentiment is my forte. I keep science for Life.

I think there is definitely a lot of truth in what Algernon says, despite his inability to play accurately. :) I think that could probably be applied to gymnastics as well. Maybe in gymnastics, things shouldn't be nailed down to being the most accurate or precise. "Sentiment is my forte." One definition of sentiment in the dictionary is thus: A thought, view, or attitude, especially one based mainly on emotion instead of reason. I have never really considered myself as being overly expressive or full of sentiment. But now I can definitely see how that could apply to me.

I take a lot of things to heart. And I do like to pride myself on being very laidback and carefree, but when things bother me, it means I care. I really do. If people or things upset me, it means that I am passionate about how I feel. I am most certainly being expressive and sentimental. And those two words don't have to be defined by tears or typical "girly" stuff like society would like us to believe.

There are times when I think my reasoning is thrown completely out the door. But that is me. If I didn't, I wouldn't be true to myself. I wouldn't be true to the sentiment that is my forte.

SamIam

January 16, 2003

I am currently writing this on the plane trip to Texas. I can't really sleep because any position I am in is pretty uncomfortable. So I've been moving between reading, writing and just watching out the window while everyone else sleeps.

I am starting to wonder if I am going through some sort of phase thing. I wouldn't say that it's puberty or anything because I've already had that all important "feminine thing" happen last year. But I've been rather moodly and isolationist lately, and I really don't know why.

On this trip, for instance...I've been keeping my distance from a lot of people. I'm almost not sure who to hang out with. Alyssa and Kayla are attached at the hip...as are Jennie and Sarah...Jessica and Eva are from Lilly squad and Brittney, Morgan, Emily and Amanda are from the other two squads...It kinda leaves me and Ashley. But I almost think that even Ashley might not know where to be. Maybe I have that in between feeling. I'm thirteen....but I feel older. And yet, there are times when I don't know if I want to appear older...or lose the freedom I have to be "younger". It's strange.

I think this confusion leads to my moodiness. I just feel out of sorts and I don't know how to fix it.

I talk a lot about Alana and how close we are. But I am also close to Regina, just not quite as much because of the age gap. Regina is the one that I go to when I want to get in touch with that sense of adulthood. She's also a lot more rational than either Alana or myself.

Well, anyway, Regina was trying to get my attention off of my back and the craziness in my life. So she suggested that I read something - a play called "The Importance of Being Ernest". I had to chuckle at the title, but I actually went out and bought a copy of it. It's written by Oscar Wilde and actually, the book isn't that big. So I should be able to finish it by the end of the weekend - competition and all.

SamIam

January 15, 2003

Well, first of all, today was Jennie's Birthday. I ended up not getting her anything but mooched off of what Alana sent. She did that whole "singing telagram" kind of thing...only it was the balloons and a dozen roses. It was pretty cool, even if it did embarass Jennie to get it right in the middle of practice.

Speaking of practice, I don't know what happened, but my lower back ached something awful today from the end of squad practice and even right now. I even skipped my afternoon workout to go to the trainer and spent the rest of the day doing physical therapy. And even though she's not technically my coach anymore, I sent Coach Venedie an email because she suppose to be an expert in that kind of thing. She sent me back some information and also some exercises to do. She suggested that I take a bath in some epsom salts too.

Hopefully the pain will go away before the Texas Flyer's meet. But if it doesn't, then I might have to water down my routines.

When I wasn't groaning in pain, I got to sit down and talk with Dominique. She's letting me borrow her cowboy Duck for the meet so it can bring me good luck. I am really excited about all the exciting personalities that I am meeting. Alyssa, Ashley, Kayla, Dominique. I really think that us newbies are going to steal the show here at Topo if people don't watch out.

SamIam

January 14, 2003

Today I ended up doing the slacker workout because. I feel kind of bad, because I actually felt worse yesterday, but I just wanted to use today as a recouperation day. So, I grabbed myself a carton of orange juice, a bagel and crawled into bed with a good book.

I fell asleep off and on and pretty much slogged my way through To Kill a Mockingbird for school. I have to write a book report on it at the end of the month. I think it's one of my favorite novels and the movie is just as good too. Gregory Peck is awesome, even if the movie is in black and white.

My other favorite novels are The Chocolate War and The Giver. I read them both when I was in the hospital last year and they pretty much convinced me to steer clear of conformity. Hence, my dabbling in colorful hair and strange clothing.

So, I feel myself getting drowsy again, so I will probably not write again until tomorrow, which is Jennie's Birthday!

SamIam

January 13, 2003

I think I've discovered the origin of my illness. Or at least a little bit of it. It probably has something to do with our ski trip. I must have not dressed warm enough and now I am paying the price.

And I wanted to do well this week, but I feel like crawling into bed every five seconds and dying. And I am suppose to go to parties and band concerts too, and I'll have a red nose and be stuffed the entire time. Not exactly the kind of fun I was looking for.

Seeing as I don't have much else to write about, I think I will marvel at the fact that January is already half gone. And once that is done, people will be happily reminding everyone that we'll be 11 months away from Christmas already. The madness begins again.

Ugh. I still don't know what to get Jennie for her birthday. Maybe I'll just get her something cheesy and stupid. It's not like I'm her best friend or something anyway, so it really wouldn't matter, right?

But that would be a real cop out. And I'm normally not an advocate of doing that. But, maybe in this case it is acceptable. I'll just tell Alana to send her gift along and then it'll make mine look better. Yes. That's what I'll do. That's the plan.

I wonder if it'll work.

SamIam

January 12, 2003

I feel so...blah...today. It's one of those things where you eat something...or eat all day long...but your stomach feels like a hallow pit. And also, you feel these urges every...oh....hour to throw up. Only it never happens.

And then, whenever I bend over (or do something similar), it not only feels like the blood is rushing to my head, but also feels like someone is hitting me right smack in the center of my forehead with an ax several times. As you can imagine, this made for some real excitement on bars. I didn't have much problem with the constant swing throughs, but there were certain elements that really aggrivated it - like my higgens roll-invert 1/2 combo. I perform the move with a slight pause before the turns to accentuate them. But today, the pause was just too much and it ended up being sloppy. Coach Nick looked at me strangely, like he didn't know what on earth was the matter with me. To be honest, I don't know what hte matter is with me either.

After practice, I kinda crashed and burned. Crawled into bed after taking some aspirin. People say the best thing is to sleep it off. I'll probably go get something quick to eat before coming back to bed for more.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

SamIam

January 11, 2003

A rather uneventful day. We had our first squad workout with Pop squad and I think it went fairly well. Coach Koncady is really cool. He reminds me a lot of Coach Jason at Crystal Lake. I wonder what he's going to say when he finds out about my Metallica routine.

I didn't feel so sluggish during practice, and my spirits are actually a little higher. I'm not exactly sure what these squads will do for interaction around the gym, but it's already starting to make cliques out of everyone. I hung out a lot with Sarah, Jennie and Ashley today, and not that it's a bad thing, but I almost felt weird about trying to hang out with Alyssa and Kayla. It was like I was treading on some sacred ground or something. How dare I go near Tiger territory!

I know it's really not like that. But it can cause a little uneasiness, especially when you don't know when people are kidding or being serious about stuff.

Hmm...plans, plans, plans. This week is going to be busy. Jennie's birthday is in four days. I need to figure out what I am going to buy her. I think I will go into town sometime tomorrow and scout. Maybe I'll talk with Alana about getting her something. Alana knows her so much better than I do.

There's also the Linkin Park concert. I'm trying to think about what to wear for it. Not sure what people wear to it. Would it be what I normally where when I am not in the gym? My baggy pants and polo shirts? I am sure my hair will make me fit right in.

There is also a meet this weekend in Texas. I don't think I have ever been there before, but I will probably be more into the meet than anything else if I get to go I'm actually looking forward to competing for my first time outside of the gym. I know that I have what it takes to be the best, not just here, but on a larger scale. I just need to keep believing in myself and keeping to my game.

SamIam

January 10, 2003

Well, today was actually quite an eventful day. First thing when we came down for practice, the squads were announced. I am on the Pop Squad, coached by Nick Koncady. I actually think that I will relate quite well to him, particularly because he specializes on bar, and he's also big into strength and tumbling.

My squadmates include Ashley Cardiff, Marie Franetti, Jennie Ray, Brooke Star and Sarah Torrence. I think we'll be a really good mix. I've not really hung out with Brooke or Marie that much, but I definitely think that we have what it takes to root each other on and keep the spirit high.

With that said, before practice, the new rankings were also announced. Imagine my relief to find out that my horrible performance at the intersquad (huh, what? Intersquad? When??) didn't really factor in. I am in fifth place. I'm not going to take that much stock in it, because things can change in a heartbeat around here. And that includes performances. I'm just going to continue working like I have been and hope that good things come of it.

Still, pop has four in the top ten. Granted, our last two individuals are in dead last, but that's alright. We'll just have to work with them. That's what teammates do.

In other news, the coming weeks should be really hectic around here. There are a couple of meets, not to mention all of our little sidebar trips in the works. We have skiing, Linkin Park, Boston, and Jennie's Birthday party. Goodness, it's a good thing I am not an insomniac like ALana. I'd never be able to do anything and be alive for it.

Speaking of Alana and likenesses....I think some people are finally starting to accept me and my differences. Perfect example is Jennie. I know she'll never be completely over Alana not being around, but at least we're friends. We get along and can hang out. There's an age gap there too, so that's only natural that something like that might cause a rift. Alana was more around her age. Still, at least we're coexisting.

Age gaps....it's strange. Alyssa is older than me, and we get along famously. So maybe my previous comment about that is completely unfounded. I am so confused! Hopefully my confusion will be more clear tomorrow!

SamIam

January 9, 2003

I won't even mention the intersquad, because for me, it didn't even happen. It was a bad dream. A figment of my imagination. And it is best to never be remembered.

Onto other things...

Last night was the slumber party. Quite a few people actually showed up, despite being tired from the intersquad. But we all crowded around the rec room TV and popped in Alana's rehearsal video. It was pretty awesome. For someone to hate ballet as much as I do, it really impressed me. Maybe it's because it's Alana. Maybe it's because she's my sister. But I was in awe as I sat there watching.

And you should have heard the uproar from everyone when the shot of Alana's partner, Nick, was shown. I thought for sure that Alyssa was going to swoon or require a fan.

I also brought my accoustic guitar and played a few songs, and the girls who could sing did. The harmonies were really good! I'm content to let everyone else do the vocalizing, because unlike Alana, I never really took voice lessons or was interested in doing that. But I'll play the music any day of the week. But, I did sing some blues, which was cool. About the closest I'll come to a singing performance.

And, of course, we watched movies! There were some that I wasn't too fond of, but hey...what can you say about a girlie get together?

Anyway, as you can imagine, staying up so late made me very sluggish for practice today. I feel really bad for not putting in 100%, but I just couldn't push myself. I think it showed the most during the conditioning. I am normally not one to just do the bare minimum there, because that is one area of my training where I am above average. It's borderline where I actually LIKE conditioning, if that is not too twisted to admit. I like pushing myself and knowing that the aching feeling you get is a good one that was earned. So I felt really low that I couldn't do better.

So, me and my guilt actually went and did an extra conditioning workout after dinner. I should sleep good tonight. And with that said, I am going to grab a snack and then tuck myself in.

SamIam

January 8, 2003

Today's entry is probably going to be rather shortish. I'll be preoccupied with the intersquad and then a slumber party that I am helping with!

But I do want to say that a lot of the newbies are starting to band together. Kayla, Alyssa, Ashley and I are all planning to go to a Linkin Park concert! I can't wait. Maybe we can find some other newbies who want to go too.

OH! And tonight we're finally watching ALANA'S TAPE! Yahoo!!!!

SamIam

January 7, 2003

My day is getting better, although I am starting to think that perhaps I bring a lot of my loneliness on myself. Do I really have to say something before I think about it? Do I really have to be so cynical all the time? Do I really have to be irrational and jump to conclusions?

But I am feeling a lot better about things after talking to Alyssa. It's not that I wanted to vent to her, but she kept prodding and prodding. So I finally let her know what was bugging me. I can tell already that she's someone I can turn to when I am not feeling well.

Aside from that, I've decided to hide Alana's tape until after the intersquad. And then we can jump in and have some fun watching it.

Tomorrow is the first intersquad. I'm a little antsy about it because I'd like to do well. But I have a feeling that I won't be towards the top because of the one day of training I missed from arriving late on New Years. But it will be a building point for me. I am trying to look at it positively. What I do here will show me where I am headed for the rest of my time here at Topo.

Going back to my loneliness theory, aside from Alyssa, I've been rather standoffish of people because I'm not really sure what their motives are. For instance, is someone being sugary nice to me just to get on my good side, thinking it will catch me off guard so I won't compete as well?

I've also been rather close lipped around Eva. Our conversation has made it hard for me to know what to say to her anymore. And she still talks like nothing happened - like none of what she said that day changes anything. She's not noticed anything different in my demeanor. My sarcasm should be the big alarm, but I guess she's missing that warning signal. But whatever, this whole thing gave me a new picture of her, so it definitely changed things for me.

It makes me wonder if I want to be around that kind of negative aura. I'm not sure. Maybe I should just stick to myself. I do a fine job of collecting my own negative aura.

SamIam

January 6, 2003

Ugh. Can I just say how frustrating people are? And I will have you know that I am perfectly fine with people on a normal, everyday basis. But sometimes, I just cannot cope with all of their emotional, deranged life problems.

I love that people find that they can confide in me. What they see, I do not know. It's not like I have this angelic face that soothes and comforts, making people believe that I will cure them from life's woes, right?

Already, after not being at Topo for even a week, I am inundated with drama. Already there is angst and tension. Alana never told me that there was so much tension here! All nicities aside, people are now out for blood.

Don't get me wrong - I have my own competitive spirit, as evidenced by my one journal entry. But it doesn't go as far as wanting someone physically harmed in any way. Additionally, I am not her worrying about who is getting favoritism by the coaching staff and who is not.

Frankly, it would be a disservice to the gym if the coaches were not basing things on merit. That's not to say that favoritism doesn't play SOME part in any gym. It was at Cascade Locks. It was at Endo. And I even experienced some at Crystal Lake. But when push comes to shove, ability will win out. Call me idealistic and ignorant, but that is the way I see it.

So, when people like Eva come around and start complaining about everything under the sun about the way things work around here, I get a little annoyed. True, SOME people do more work than others....exert more effort than others in workouts and such. And it would irritate anyone to not be given credit for such hard work. But I know that if someone wasn't taking note of my performance or giving me the credit I deserved, it would make me MORE determined to fix the situation - either by voicing my concerns to the person in charge OR by working my ass off even more. Complaining about it is completely unnecessary. Or if you are going to complain, do it to someone who actually might appease you with some sympathy. That isn't me.

Have some cheese with your whine.

My advice to Eva and to anyone else intent on complaining about the way things are...where they stand...is to suck it up and do what you gotta do to get things done. That might sound harsh, but that is WHAT I WOULD DO. Even if it means working harder. Even if it means it's a little more effort. Even if it means it won't be rewarded instantaneously. You get what you play for.

And if you aren't willing to play hard and do what it takes, then why are you here? Why are you wasting your time AND everyone elses? Basically, my entire rant here can be summed up in a cute little quote I found:

"If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much space." - Lou Whitaker.

Modify that to fit this situation and you have my new motto. Nuff said there.

SamIam

January 5, 2003

Well, Alana's practice tape came in the mail today! I can't wait to watch it. But I think I will hold off on watching it just yet. At least give myself something to look forward to tomorrow. Besides, there's lots of excitement happening around here with the planning of the ski trip, so I don't want to bogg anyone down with it.

BUT, maybe tomorrow will be the day. It's so interesting how the people who have been here for a while really want to go see Alana, but the people who don't even know her that well do too. I guess it just goes to show what a reputation does for you.

Gee, now that I think about it, this day hasn't been very exciting. Although Alyssa and I stayed up pretty late last night just talking in the dark. Finally, we got so sleepy that we both nodded off to sleep.

It's fun getting to know so many people. We have lots of musicians here! It's going to be great fun building a band. And, there are lots of interesting tidbits to learn about people - rubber duckie obsessions, driving maniacs, the list goes on.

Anywho, I am off. I am determined to find a place around here to go swimming!

SamIam

January 4, 2003

So, did my "new" new year's resolution of getting up on time come any closer to reality? Not a chance. I think I am doomed to do everything at the last minute. But at least I am becoming a pro at dressing at the speed of light. It's a good thing I take my showers at night and my laundry is done on a regular basis. Otherwise, I am sure I would look hideous.

Well, before practice began, Coach Lois announced the rankings. I am currently eighth. Considering I didn't train on the first, that is great. Totally A-ok with me. I'll take it. TO be honest, if I make the top ten here during the opener, I will be very happy.

Frankly, I don't think this week counts because I am feeling things out and so are the coaches. As Alana said, the ones to come after are where I will need to "bring" the heat. Indeed I will. Alana may be modest and say that she "thinks" and "hopes" she is good enough or could do better. But with me, I know when I am good enough and when I will do better.

Alright, you know how I have been feeling off lately? Well, indeed, the culprit is a growth spurt. I haven't measured myself in a while, but I finally figured it was time to see if my intuition was right.

Coach Lois is probably going to have a heart attack when she discovers that I made pencil marks on the nicely painted door frame to the bathroom, but I want to keep track and that seemed to be the only reasonable way (in my mind, anyway). First, I took the measuring tape and marked off 4'11, which is what I have listed on my profile as being my height. Then, I stood up against the frame and had Alyssa (my roommate) make a marking of my new height. When I stood back to look at it, there was definitely a gap. And no, I did not shrink!

When the math was all done, I have almost grown two inches - I am just over 5 foot - which in the grand scheme of things isn't THAT bad. But I can just feel that this is just the beginning. There's no way that I can be stopping there. I have to be inching (no pun intended) towards that 1.

So I finally got to meet my roommate, who at one point knew Alana pretty well. She told me stories about how she and Kayla Coolman went to Nationals, and I even think Alyssa dated my cousin! GROSS! What was she thinking???

SamIam

January 3, 2003

Oh yes, what a beautiful morning! That is the lovely song that woke me up. I think I should change the channel on my clock so that I will wake up to Metallica or something. But does this rural Indiana town even HAVE a hard rock station? Furthermore, would my roommate appreciate such a ruckus so early in the morning?

REM cycle's aside, I need to do something to get me up earlier in the mornings. Again I just barely made it to practice before it started. I could tell that the look on Coach Lois' face meant that she was just about to say something. I don't know if she was annoyed or amused.

Not the best of impressions to start with. But hey! It's only the second day. I can't be on the coaches bad side already, can I? The rest of practice seemed to go well without much of a hitch. Although I was working on floor with a group of girls, and I think the one named Jennie Ray still is feeling a bit miffed that I am not my sister.

But, there is hope. If my growth spurt kicks in and I dye my hair back to it's normal color AND I miraculously become a dance fiend, that should take care of things.

In all seriousness, I think I just need to give her and the others time to get to know me. And I need to keep telling myself that it is nothing personal. It's normal for them. And there ARE people here who didn't know my sister, and they should be fine with me being here.

After practice today, I went running with Eva Volatil. I remember Alana talking about her - about how she and Eva got off on not the best of feet (is that right??) But then they became pretty good friends, especially at the French International.

Eva and I chatted about a lot of things, but mostly about the possibility of organizing a Ski trip somewhere. I want to learn to snowboard so bad! So I was VERY excited when she was able to find a place.

But Eva also said that she missed Alana. But I assured her that Alana will still be around, AND, she wants everyone to come visit her in Boston to see her dance. The performance of Jewels is the last weeks in January! I am so proud of her!

I talked with her online today and she said that someone taped some footage of rehearsal and she was sending it to me. I should get it sometime later on this week. I must be the proudest sister in the world!

Alright, if I burst with any more pride, it will be positively disgusting. No one loves their sister that much. Plus, I need to go do something, I am getting antsy sitting here in my room. I need interaction and excitement!

SamIam

January 2, 2003

That's a weird looking date. Random comment, I know. But as I was writing it, it just FELT weird.

Anyway, today was my first day of practice. My roommate must have been excited about getting started, because she was up at the butt crack of dawn. I slept in. But not that it was much of sleeping because practice began at 6:30.

Yeah. And I got up at about...oh...6:25-ish? Five minutes to throw on a leo and put my hair up in a ponytail. I decided to go with a leo that would bring me good luck. I rummaged around and was able to find the one that I wore when I won the national qualifier at Cascade Locks for level 10. It was a tad snug, as I think I am finally beginning to grow.

I don't think you can tell just by looking at me, but I can feel that a growth spurt is going to happen any day now. It just "feels" like I am going to shoot up 10 iches into this mammoth! It's not out of the question. With Alana being so tall at 15 (and she says she thinks she is growing), one can only assume that I am well on my way to being a bean pole.

Right. Me and my tallness got through the first practice in one peice. Luckily, I didn't crash anything too torrendously. I had a few falls on bars, but at least I still had the wind in my sails.

I am already feeling a difference in the atmosphere here. I feel more motivated and inspired by everyone who is training. But I also miss Coach Jason at Crystal Lake. And I feel kind of bad for leaving him and the gym after all the work they have done with me, especially on floor. It was his encouragement that has made me really want to do the routine to Metallica. Not many coaches will prod you to take a risk like that.

Even Coach Venedie, who is very liberal in her own right, never encouraged my wild side at Cascade Locks. "Cowboy Sweetheart" is not what I call wild. But then again, I didn't really get my wild side until towards the end of my time there. Even my Smash Mouth routine is fairly new.

After practice, I spent sometime online talking with Alana. Thursday is her late day of ballet rehearsal, and she tries to do some of her homework right after school before hitting the gym. I caught her while she was doing homework. We talked about a whole bunch of stuff.

But a lot more of her time is being taken up by ballet rehearsal for Jewels. Luckily, that entire portion of the ballet is being performed by the School of Ballet Boston, so they can plan the rehearsals accordingly and not the early ones with the rest of the Boston Studio Company.

There I go again! Talking about Alana! Well, after my chat with her, I went swimming for a while. I don't know what it is about swimming that I like so much. Maybe it's because it is so much different from gymnastics and I can just relax. Of course, they say that it's one of the best workouts you can get. So maybe I chose the wrong thing for relaxing.

Anywho, I'd write more, but I am exhausted (if that is believeable. And I think I will head out to see what this place offers for dinner before working on some school work.

SamIam

January 1, 2003

I love surprises. Don't you? And I think my surprise is a really good one - especially for the gymnasts at Topopolilly gym.

When they wake up tomorrow, they are going to be expecting a DeBrinski to be here. And indeed, there is one. But the DeBrinski they find won't be the one they had in mind.

And because I took one of the last flights from Cascade Locks to Indiana, I arrived late today (New Year's). I am pretty sure I was the last one to arrive and that meant that I could sneak into the dorms without anyone really noticing.

I am actually writing this by flashlight, as I don't wish to disturb my roommate. I am so excited to be here, but perhaps I should relay how it came about, huh?

Well, everyone knew that Alana has been training in Boston at Mass United, whilst also going to the School of Ballet Boston. Before Christmas, there were auditions for the parts in Emeralds, and Alana got a part as one of the corp de ballet members, just as she had figured she would and wanted.

And since going to the ballet school, she has really found that this is something she's enjoyed and has been missing. Plus, she has a wicked pas de deux partner. She showed me a picture of him, and boy is he a looker. I'm only 13, but even I know a hunk of a guy when I see one.

So anyway, she's been partnering with him roughly since October, and she feels like it's some of the best dancing she's done in years. I guess he's talked to her about entering into some competitions together, because he feels that they have the kind of connection that could go somewhere. Of course, being the modest person that Alana is, she would never say that something like that is true or even a possibility. She needs a lot of prodding, and that's where I come in (or did come in).

Without even really meaning to, I talked her into believing that this was something she should do. This was her calling. Sure, she could come back to Topopolilly, but who's to say that she would ever have this kind of chance again? No offense to Topopolilly and all, but we're talking about world class ballet here. And world glass gymnastics it is, but ballet, no it is not. She can get the best of both worlds in Boston. And here in Indiana, she would have only been able to get one world - maybe even not the world that she was truly meant to do.

Why do I say that? It must sound like I've known that ballet is what Alana's always wanted to do. I'm her sister. I have lived and trained with her for practically most of our lives. I have seen her face when she dances and I know that it is something she loves and has a passion for. I'm not exactly sure I can say that she has a greater passion for that than gymnastics, but I know she shouldn't be giving it up or putting it on the back burner. She's good. And she deserves the chance to explore just how good she is.

Alright, so with Alana wanting to stay in Boston, that left a slot on the Topopolilly roster open. And Alana felt extremely guilty for stilting Coach Dreidle so late in the game. And that's how I came to be here.

Alana knows how much I have not felt I fit in at Crystal Lake. As much as I loved the coaches and the gym, I just couldn't fit in with the gymnasts or feel too much at home. And that is something that I crave right along with the gymnastics. She told me that I would probably be one of the younger gymnasts here, but she didn't think I would have any trouble hanging out with some of the older girls. I'm mature for my age and that goes a long way.

I am hoping that Topo is as great as she says it is. I can tell she misses it already, but I think she knows that she will always have a connection with the people there.

Gosh! I've been talking so much about Alana and not a lot about myself. Although she IS a big part of my life. Basically, she is my best friend, not to mention my sister. So I guess that is understandable.

Alright, so onto my life at Topopolilly. I think at first, there might be a lot of comparison to Alana and speculation about me being her "baby sister". I'm sure that will be my name for a while - "Alana's Little Sister". But I am sure the longer I am there, the more people will start to see me as my own person - if they're not blinded by my hair first!

Speaking of that, I hope my roommate likes bright colors. She's going to be inundated by the. She might have to invest in a pair of sun glasses.

I am a little bummed about not getting here earlier today. It would have been nice to train with the gymnasts, but I also wanted to spend New Year's at home. And the party I had with the Cascade Locks gymnasts was a blast. We rang in the new year in style. I wouldn't give that up for the best practice session in the world. (I'll write more about that tomorrow). Even if it puts me a little behind, I'm not that's alright. I'm not new to being the underdog.

Besides, it should be exceptionally interesting to walk into the gym tomorrow and surprise everyone. If the hair doesn't make their jaws drop, the fact that I am not the DeBrinski they were expecting probably will.

And with that said, I am going to get some sleep. I've had WAY too much excitement for this day, and it doesn't look like it will stop tomorrow.