Dear Jon,
Gosh…
writing that always reminds me of a blow-off letter! LOL However this is quite
the contrary! You may have heard from Joanne or guessed on your own, and I’m
sorry I couldn’t tell you in person, but the next time you see me you will notice
some changes. (Perhaps an understatement?)
I was born with an intersex (hermaphroditic) condition
known as Partial Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome, or PAIS. The way this work is
that all little human embryos start to develop as females, around week 8 a
switch on the Y chromosome starts to produce testosterone which starts to masculinize the body and reproductive system of
the little baby. The brain continues to develop as female
however until week 15, and then another switch on the Y produces an enzyme that
allows the testosterone to cause masculinization of
the brain. The brains of women and men are markedly different, especially in
the hypothalamus, the primitive brain structures that control feelings,
instincts and emotions. Specifically the BSTc region
of the hypothalamus the area understood to control gender identity. There are
three different enzymes that are needed to allow testosterone to masculinize the body and brain, one works on the
reproductive system, the second primarily on secondary sex characteristics
of the body, and the last on the brain. In my case the genes that manufacture
the last two are either damaged or missing. The result with me is that I
never developed many of the masculine physical characteristics typical of other
boys going through puberty, and my brain never masculinized
at all. Thus I'm transsexual, the classic "woman trapped in a
male body.”
This is something I've struggled with all my life. Since my
earliest memories I've never felt I should be a boy. You see most people
believe it is your body that makes you feel either male of female, however it
is actually your brain... the brain is truly the biggest sex organ!
Unfortunately when one is 4 or 5 they don't have the words to describe this,
and no point of reference to understand, so everybody told me I was a boy, and
had to learn to be a man so I set out doing my best to be what everyone
expected of me. Turns out one really doesn't need to learn to be a woman or a
man. One needs to learn what society expects of a man
or woman, but not how to feel like one. In order to survive and not get
harassed as much while growing up I learned to present a masculine persona, and
to live with the conflicted emotions and depression. Still I didn't feel like a
man, ever.
I know you will find this at least surprising, one gets
pretty good at acting, and I'm sure you felt like you knew me well enough to
know something like this. Indeed it is pretty common for transsexuals to over
compensate and do rather stereotypically masculine (or feminine if a
transsexual man) things in order to hide the inner conflict, take for example
hang gliding! I always thought if I could just be a little more masculine then
I'd be cured! Get married, have kids, be a normal guy, and it would be ok and
go away. You may feel some feelings of betrayal, as if how could I lie to you all those years, please keep in mind I was lying
to myself as well. The capacity humans have for self denial, self delusion is
amazing! I was afraid of the truth of my inner feelings, filled with self
loathing, and shame. Truly believing if I just stuffed them down hard enough
and for long enough they'd go away. They don't. Indeed they only get worse,
leading to depression and severe compartmentalization of ones sense of
self. Gender for most people isn't flexible. How you actually feel inside
is a function of your physical brain structure, and that can't be changed.
People have tried... indeed for decades the psychiatric community believed
gender was taught by society, and either sex child
could be raised one way or the other and would identify as they were raised,
not how they innately felt. They now know that was all wrong. Gender is a
physical, brain manifestation and no amount of, hormones, chemical/ shock/
aversion/ therapy, whatever can change the brains
internal gender identity. So the best solution to this situation is to change
the physical sex of the body. I decided about 3 years ago that this was my only
option, I've been doing electrolysis for about 19
months and cross gender hormone treatments for about a year. I will start to
live my life full time as a woman right after Labor Day, the 6th. One must live
in their proper gender for one year full time in order to qualify for the
surgery. That means staying engage in society, staying employed, sober and
stable. I am fortunate to live in LA near one of the foremost gender centers,
and have a great team of specialists helping me with this.
You may have questions about this, feel free to give me a
call, write, or visit! I do have a sense of humor about my predicament, and
understand how unusual this is and potentially confusing etc. and don't mind
talking about it or answering questions. I'll try here to cover some of the FAQs;
My new name will be Tori Cara Poppy, I've petitioned the
courts to change my name and gender and this will be official Oct 6th, when
I'll then get drivers licenses and other official documents changed. (It takes
a minimum of 6 weeks in CA)
I'd really appreciate being addressed using female pronouns
such as she and her etc. I also realize that people will slip up and it will
take quite a while for the new name and pronouns to become natural... that
is fine, I'll gently tease you if a slip up occurs!
Family... at this point Linda is attempting to stay with me
through this. She believes it is the inner person that she loves and while this
is very hard for her, and not what she would have chosen, she is making the
effort to take this journey with me. For my part I still love her and would
choose to stay together, so hopefully? The boys are totally supportive, Eric
probably knows me better than anyone, and always knew I wasn't like other
dads... he gets it completely and is glad I'll finally be able to be happy and
whole, both of which he was painfully aware before were missing in my life.
Adam is pretty much, "so how does this effect
me?" He is young enough to not be too hung up on gender, and simply knows
I love him and will always be there for him, and that is what matters to him.
They've both told all their friends and that went very smooth... guess as long
as I don't stop cooking great meals for everybody, they don't care! LOL Linda's
parents have been pretty accepting as well. They worry about Linda of course,
and there has been some coolness and anger, but they have been civil and are
slowly coming around. My parents took it really badly. Basically refused to see
me any more, and coincidentally, moved out of state, so that is not so good.
Time may make that better but my therapist says "don't hold your
breath!"
Sexuality... turns out gender identity and sexuality are totally unrelated. I've always been bi-sexual... even
though being a man with another man has never held any interest for me, being a
woman with either a man or woman is interesting. At this point I'm asexual
anyway. Before the operation you must take spironolactone, a powerful androgen
blocker, that basically removes all libido. After
surgery you can stop spiro, and in most cases the
libido comes back, the surgeries are so advanced now that full sensation is
maintained and most transsexual post op women are orgasmic.
Confidentiality... in decades past most TS pretty much
dropped off the face of the earth and re-appeared someplace different and
started a new life from scratch, without anyone knowing about their past. Now
days, it is possible to transition in broad daylight, so to speak. I am not
going to discard my past, friends, family, career etc. so this will be general
knowledge... this will subject me to additional discrimination and perhaps some
harassment and misunderstanding from some, however I'm not ashamed of who I am,
so don't feel you have to keep some deep secret, I plan on being open about my
past, and situation. This doesn't mean that everyone should know or that everyone
even cares, people that feel they should "out" a TS at every
opportunity to people that don't know, (and probably don't really care)
probably have their own issues, but feel free to share this information with
others that you know that knew me as Charlie if it is appropriate. I trust you
will be sensitive in this. :-)
Why is this necessary... believe me
this isn't a choice. No one would choose to do this. This isn't like one day I
woke up and said, "perhaps it would be better to
change into a woman?" My choice would be to either be a normal man or
normal woman. Who would choose to feel wrong in their life, all through their
childhood? Who would put themselves through hundreds of hours of painful
electrolysis, subject themselves to (multiple) risky, invasive surgeries,
risk loosing ones family, friends, job, life savings and career? Subject themselves to public ridicule and social ostracism... no one
would choose this! Indeed I'm really not a man changing into a woman, I've
always been a woman, I'm simply correcting a birth defect that caused everybody
to think I was a man, stopping pretending and acting as others expect me to be
and being who I really am. I'm not choosing to be a woman, I simply am...
and now it has become mandatory for me to accept who and what I am to survive.
My hopes... that you will
still be my friend, and not feel betrayed or deceived.
Warmest wishes,
Tori Poppy