Dear Jon,

 

Gosh… writing that always reminds me of a blow-off letter! LOL However this is quite the contrary! You may have heard from Joanne or guessed on your own, and I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you in person, but the next time you see me you will notice some changes. (Perhaps an understatement?)

 

I was born with an intersex (hermaphroditic) condition known as Partial Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome, or PAIS. The way this work is that all little human embryos start to develop as females, around week 8 a switch on the Y chromosome starts to produce testosterone which starts to masculinize the body and reproductive system of the little baby.  The brain continues to develop as female however until week 15, and then another switch on the Y produces an enzyme that allows the testosterone to cause masculinization of the brain. The brains of women and men are markedly different, especially in the hypothalamus, the primitive brain structures that control feelings, instincts and emotions. Specifically the BSTc region of the hypothalamus the area understood to control gender identity. There are three different enzymes that are needed to allow testosterone to masculinize the body and brain, one works on the reproductive system, the second primarily on secondary sex characteristics of the body, and the last on the brain. In my case the genes that manufacture the last two are either damaged or missing. The result with me is that I never developed many of the masculine physical characteristics typical of other boys going through puberty, and my brain never masculinized at all. Thus I'm transsexual, the classic "woman trapped in a male body.”

 

This is something I've struggled with all my life. Since my earliest memories I've never felt I should be a boy. You see most people believe it is your body that makes you feel either male of female, however it is actually your brain... the brain is truly the biggest sex organ! Unfortunately when one is 4 or 5 they don't have the words to describe this, and no point of reference to understand, so everybody told me I was a boy, and had to learn to be a man so I set out doing my best to be what everyone expected of me. Turns out one really doesn't need to learn to be a woman or a man. One needs to learn what society expects of a man or woman, but not how to feel like one. In order to survive and not get harassed as much while growing up I learned to present a masculine persona, and to live with the conflicted emotions and depression. Still I didn't feel like a man, ever.

 

I know you will find this at least surprising, one gets pretty good at acting, and I'm sure you felt like you knew me well enough to know something like this. Indeed it is pretty common for transsexuals to over compensate and do rather stereotypically masculine (or feminine if a transsexual man) things in order to hide the inner conflict, take for example hang gliding! I always thought if I could just be a little more masculine then I'd be cured! Get married, have kids, be a normal guy, and it would be ok and go away. You may feel some feelings of betrayal, as if how could I lie to you all those years, please keep in mind I was lying to myself as well. The capacity humans have for self denial, self delusion is amazing! I was afraid of the truth of my inner feelings, filled with self loathing, and shame. Truly believing if I just stuffed them down hard enough and for long enough they'd go away. They don't. Indeed they only get worse, leading to depression and severe compartmentalization of ones sense of self. Gender for most people isn't flexible. How you actually feel inside is a function of your physical brain structure, and that can't be changed. People have tried... indeed for decades the psychiatric community believed gender was taught by society, and either sex child could be raised one way or the other and would identify as they were raised, not how they innately felt. They now know that was all wrong. Gender is a physical, brain manifestation and no amount of, hormones, chemical/ shock/ aversion/ therapy, whatever can change the brains internal gender identity. So the best solution to this situation is to change the physical sex of the body. I decided about 3 years ago that this was my only option, I've been doing electrolysis for about 19 months and cross gender hormone treatments for about a year. I will start to live my life full time as a woman right after Labor Day, the 6th. One must live in their proper gender for one year full time in order to qualify for the surgery. That means staying engage in society, staying employed, sober and stable. I am fortunate to live in LA near one of the foremost gender centers, and have a great team of specialists helping me with this.

 

You may have questions about this, feel free to give me a call, write, or visit! I do have a sense of humor about my predicament, and understand how unusual this is and potentially confusing etc. and don't mind talking about it or answering questions. I'll try here to cover some of the FAQs;

 

My new name will be Tori Cara Poppy, I've petitioned the courts to change my name and gender and this will be official Oct 6th, when I'll then get drivers licenses and other official documents changed. (It takes a minimum of 6 weeks in CA)

 

I'd really appreciate being addressed using female pronouns such as she and her etc. I also realize that people will slip up and it will take quite a while for the new name and pronouns to become natural... that is fine, I'll gently tease you if a slip up occurs!

 

Family... at this point Linda is attempting to stay with me through this. She believes it is the inner person that she loves and while this is very hard for her, and not what she would have chosen, she is making the effort to take this journey with me. For my part I still love her and would choose to stay together, so hopefully? The boys are totally supportive, Eric probably knows me better than anyone, and always knew I wasn't like other dads... he gets it completely and is glad I'll finally be able to be happy and whole, both of which he was painfully aware before were missing in my life. Adam is pretty much, "so how does this effect me?" He is young enough to not be too hung up on gender, and simply knows I love him and will always be there for him, and that is what matters to him. They've both told all their friends and that went very smooth... guess as long as I don't stop cooking great meals for everybody, they don't care! LOL Linda's parents have been pretty accepting as well. They worry about Linda of course, and there has been some coolness and anger, but they have been civil and are slowly coming around. My parents took it really badly. Basically refused to see me any more, and coincidentally, moved out of state, so that is not so good. Time may make that better but my therapist says "don't hold your breath!"

 

Sexuality... turns out gender identity and sexuality are totally unrelated. I've always been bi-sexual... even though being a man with another man has never held any interest for me, being a woman with either a man or woman is interesting. At this point I'm asexual anyway. Before the operation you must take spironolactone, a powerful androgen blocker, that basically removes all libido. After surgery you can stop spiro, and in most cases the libido comes back, the surgeries are so advanced now that full sensation is maintained and most transsexual post op women are orgasmic.

 

Confidentiality... in decades past most TS pretty much dropped off the face of the earth and re-appeared someplace different and started a new life from scratch, without anyone knowing about their past. Now days, it is possible to transition in broad daylight, so to speak. I am not going to discard my past, friends, family, career etc. so this will be general knowledge... this will subject me to additional discrimination and perhaps some harassment and misunderstanding from some, however I'm not ashamed of who I am, so don't feel you have to keep some deep secret, I plan on being open about my past, and situation. This doesn't mean that everyone should know or that everyone even cares, people that feel they should "out" a TS at every opportunity to people that don't know, (and probably don't really care) probably have their own issues, but feel free to share this information with others that you know that knew me as Charlie if it is appropriate. I trust you will be sensitive in this. :-)

 

Why is this necessary... believe me this isn't a choice. No one would choose to do this. This isn't like one day I woke up and said, "perhaps it would be better to change into a woman?" My choice would be to either be a normal man or normal woman. Who would choose to feel wrong in their life, all through their childhood? Who would put themselves through hundreds of hours of painful electrolysis, subject themselves to (multiple) risky, invasive surgeries, risk loosing ones family, friends, job, life savings and career? Subject themselves to public ridicule and social ostracism... no one would choose this! Indeed I'm really not a man changing into a woman, I've always been a woman, I'm simply correcting a birth defect that caused everybody to think I was a man, stopping pretending and acting as others expect me to be and being who I really am. I'm not choosing to be a woman, I simply am... and now it has become mandatory for me to accept who and what I am to survive.

 

My hopes... that you will still be my friend, and not feel betrayed or deceived.

 

Warmest wishes,

 

Tori Poppy