A conversation with Caroline led to the creation of this page, which is essentially just another attempt by yours truly to aggravate my favorite Ape. Now I shall make a T-Chart comparing Lord of the Rings (the films, not the novels) to Chicago (the film, not the Broadway spectacle). Let us begin. Scorecards, please.
Plot: A story of a young girl who kills the man she's been cheating on her hubby with, is arrested, but sees everything as an opportunity to become famous; lots of songs along the way.
Plot: Small, hairy-footed creature and 3 best hairy-footed creatured friends go on adventure to discard of a golden ring that makes people a bit psychotic. Meets lots of weird people.
Raunchy Sex Scene(s): None. Although one can only imagine what really happened between Gimli and Legolas. 0 points.
Raunchy Sex Scene(s): One. Movie is more oriented on foreplay. 2 points.
Relevance to Today's Society: Incredibly relevant. Shows many truths about how little justice there is in the court system. 3 points.
Relevance to Today's Society: Very little. Gives kids names for their bands and songs; predominant in metal.
Metal sucks. -2 points.
Status as a Movie: Quite amorphous. Could be a movie for a romantic date, a fatal date, or as a means to bond with family. 4 points.
Status as a Movie: Although intriguing, excessively long. Whole thing takes over 9 hours. Attention span crying. Could not serve as date movie; possibly sleepover movie; definetely cult movie. 1 point.
Choreography: Stunning. Very sexy, very entertaining, very orgasmic.
5 points.
Choreography: Flighty footwork in fights. (Arbitrary alliteration.) Fighting scenes impressive. No dancing.
3 points.
Sexual Appeal of Characters: A rambunctious, hormonally-stimulating crew who can sing, dance, and act. Gorgeous. 5 points.
Sexual Appeal of Characters: Very little appeal, unless you're into:
a. hairy feet
b. long, pointy ears
c. walking trees
d. ugly beasts in black
However, Viggo does star in this, consequently, he raises the original score of -6 to a score of...
2 points.
Worst Aspect of Movie: They cut a few good songs out of it.
-1 points.
Worst Aspect of Movie: They didn't cut enough out of it.
-3 points.
BACK
Because I'm lazy, I shall now add up each movie's respective scores, and then insult LotR some more. Just because I know Caroline will get upset.
(Ya know, some apes just can't hold their arsenic.)
Chicago: 18 points.
Lord of the Rings: 2 points.
Note: This was a completely unbiased interpretation of the facts. Chicago rocks harder than Lord of the Rings ever will.
CHICAGO WINS!
Now, to further humiliate Peter Jackman/Jackson or whatever (who I don't like because he, despite his millions of dollars, could not make himself and his wife presentable at the Oscar's, which I find distasteful and wretched), I shall divide the Lord of the Rings score by 540 (for that's an under-the-actual guess at how many minutes the trilogy is) and multiply Chicago's score by 125, because that's roughly how long it is, too, to further demonstrate how Chicago only needed 125 minutes to show their excellence, while LotR caused suicide increases worldwide in a movie that spanned over 540 minutes long.