Day 1 - Chris admits straight away that he doesn't like the look of Heather. He says she looks like a lesbian. As it turns out, Jana is in fact the only lesbian in the house, although Luke later admits that he is unsure of his true sexuality.
2 - The house sit down for a discussion of how to organise simple chores. Nick creates tension by stating that the kitchen is where the women belong. Sarah hits him with a whisk.
3 - The housemates are set their first task by Big Brother - they must make a model of Empire State Building out of chicken. After much persuasion by Nick, they gamble 50% of next week's food budget on completing the task.
4 - Training for the Empire State Building task is well under way. However havoc ensues when Luke, who is rapidly developing a reputation as the laziest fat bastard in the house, eats half the chicken. Sarah is furious.
5 - Today is the day when the Empire State Building task must be completed. Things are going well until shortly before the end when Luke farts and blows Empire State Building over. Big Brother announces that the task has been a failure. Heather cries.
6 - Nick gets pecked on the arm by one of the Big Brother chickens. Not a very exciting day.
7 - Big Brother is worried that things are getting dull, so he summons the housemates to have a mass debate about sex. After far too many cans of cider, Heather admits that she likes to be spanked on the arse with a whisk. Chris says he never wears condoms because they make his toe sore and Nick agrees. Jana goes into a rant about how none of the other housemates have ever enjoyed a true orgasm because they're all boring heterosexual bastards. Luke sits in the corner, quietly eyeing up Nick.
8 - Today is the first day that the housemates must nominate someone to leave. Chris goes round everyone one by one, telling them he really likes them because they're the only one in the house that he can really relate to. Sarah and Heather are voted as the two candidates to leave. Nobody votes for Chris.
9 - Sarah and Heather are told of their nominations and burst into tears, before hugging everyone and telling them they love them. Jana sings them a song - Hey Baby - to make them feel better.
10 - The public vote Heather out of the house. She pretends not to be bothered but then breaks down and sobs that she should never have admitted about enjoying being spanked. Heather leaves.
11 - Relationships are strained in the house as the housemates come to terms with Heather's departure. The food budget is low due to the failure of last week's failed task. Jana has to make do without the cucumber she requested. Sarah is visibly depressed and is comforted by Nick, who tries to touch her on her knee.
12 - The Big Brother pyschologist replays the footage of Nick touching Sarah's knee over and over again. This is because it shows an interesting psychological incident, of course, not because it will increase the viewing figures. Big Brother sets the housemates the task of jogging on a running machine for twice the circumferance of the globe. They gamble 40% of the food budget on completing it.
13 - The running machine task is on target, despite the fact that Luke refuses to run because his toe hurts a bit.
14 - Much jubilation in the house as the running machine task is completed. Luke finally manages to run the last 10 metres of the task and claims that without him they'd never have done it. Sarah calls Luke a lazy toe.
15 - Once again it is the day when nominations are due. Chris tells everyone individually that he thinks Sarah is a whore He also points out that anyone who wants to stay at his flat when the show is finished is welcome to come and visit. Sarah and Nick are nominated by the housemates to leave. Nobody votes for Chris.
16 - The nominations are announced. Sarah can't believe she's been voted out two weeks in a row. Nick is equally stunned and turns to Sarah for comfort. Luke is distraught and confesses to Jana that he thinks he is in love with Nick. Jana says she doesn't fancy any of the housemates because they're all just too heterosexual and she's a lesbian, you know
17 - The public vote Nick out of the house. Sarah says she is gutted and even gives Nick a clipping of hair from her knee to prove how much she cares. Luke is also devastated but keeps his hair to himself. Nick leaves.
18 - The Big Brother psychologist shows repeated clips of Sarah clipping the hair from her knee. Apparently this is an important psychological incident. The public obviously agree as viewing figures soar.
19 - Big Brother sets the housemates the task of burping the National Anthem of Zaire in 60 seconds. They gamble 50% of the food budget on completing it.
20 - Nobody has a clue what the National Anthem of Zaire sounds like but Luke says it's a bit like Dancing Queen. The housemates choose Chris as the one who must complete the task.
21 - Chris successfully burps not only the National Anthem of Zaire but also God Save The Queen, Hey Baby and the theme tune to ER. He is proclaimed as a hero, despite the fact that a vote in a tabloid newspaper shows that 98% of the public want to kill him.
22 - Nominations are due and Chris tells everyone that he has a Villa in the South of France and they can all come and stay for a holiday. Luke and Jana are nominated.
23 - Luke and Jana take their nominations well and sit down with Chris and Sarah to discuss why they voted for them. Chris keeps quiet but Sarah accuses Luke of being an arrogant, lazy, self-centred toe before bursting into tears.
24 - The public vote Jana out of the house and nobody really gives a sh*t. Jana leaves.
25 - Chris becomes the first housemate to have a wank. This footage goes down well with the Big Brother pschologist who proclaims that it gives us a true insight into the working of Chris's mind and brings out his true personality. In other words, he's a wanker.
26 - Big Brother sets the remaining three housemates the task of shifting 5000 tons of elephant dung using only a whisk. Chris is unsure but Luke is confident, claiming to have done something very similar when he was younger. They gamble 50% of the food budget.
27 - Completely out of the blue, Luke breaks down in tears and announces that he is leaving. He claims that it is because the dung-shifting task has brought back the painful memories of the elephant incident from his childhood. Sarah tries to persuade him to stay but Chris sits in a corner, rubbing his hands slyly. Luke decides to leave.
28 - With only two housemates remaining, the elephant dung task proves impossible. They fail miserably and resort to getting extremely pissed on some vegetable wine, made by Sarah from a couple of mouldy carrots she found in the Big Brother garden.
29 - Nominations are due for the final time. Chris asks Sarah to marry him and she accepts. Unsurprisingly Chris nominates Sarah to leave. Rather more surprisingly, so does Sarah.
30 - When the nomination is announced, Sarah graciously accepts defeat and proclaims that Chris is a worthy winner. As they are soon to marry, she also agrees to shag him. The event is broadcast live to the nation and is preceded by a speech from the Queen. Everyone in the Big Brother production crew breathe a huge sigh of relief as viewing figures go through the roof. Chris takes his £70,000 and runs away to Zaire. Nobody, including Sarah, ever sees him again.
Isn't that hilarious?? Okay so maybe I'm easily entertained :) (Chris, Nick, Luke, Jana, Heather, and Sarah you'll have to forgive me, but you guys know it's a joke--kind of like a Mad Libs! lol)