A lot has happened since the last time I wrote. I couldn't write sooner though, I was a nervous wreck. First of all, I had my English exam. I was so nervous, I couldn't concentrate. At one time I dropped my pencil and I saw him looking at me, checking me out. Gave me the creeps. I knew Lucky was there beside me but it still freaked me out. I was so busy watching Murty, I flunked my test. Lucky and I decided to trap him. Get him in the park and try to make him confess, while Lucky would be hiding in the bushes. I think it's a tad bit ironic for Lucky to hide in the bushes to catch the guy who raped me in the same bushes.
When Murty showed up, I got scared. I was taken back into that fast so hard and so fast, I just ran. I ran home and laid on the couch, trembling. For what seemed like forever, I stayed like that, then Lucky finally rang my doorbell. He took me in his arms and I felt safe again. He told me a cop took him for a mugger, and he asked if Murty hurt me. But I told him that I did what I couldn't do that night. I ran.
After he left I couldn't bear to be alone, so I got out and the next thing I knew, I was on his mother's doorsteps. She opened her door and asked me if I was looking for Lucky. I must have looked so stupid. I could've answered with a simple yes or no, but I had to give her the long "I don't want to say he's everything to me, even though it might be true, I know it'll sound a little weird. But you see, Lucky, he's good and smart and generous and respectful and gentle and honest, well that's how I know you're all those things too". I wonder why she didn't call the police, but she asked me to come in. I told who I was and I saw the shock and pain on her face, and she took me in her arms. It made me feel better, kinda like if my own mother was consoling me. We talked a little, and I realized I would be able to get passed the rape. She did, so I know I will too.
Lucky and I performed at the nurse's ball. It was hell. Sarah was suppose to carry on the Hardy family tradition, to represent a member at the annual Nurse's Ball, where they raise funds for aids. Since she went to Europe, I told Gram I would do it. It was all worth it, just to see the smile on her face. Naturally, I wouldn't do it alone, so I asked Lucky to do it with me. He said yes right away, but backed out when he learned Taggert would be performing with us. Lucy Coe was trying to convince him and he said he wouldn't, since Taggert handcuffed him to a chair while he was trying to get to me the night I met Murty in the park. He gave in, saying he would do it for me, for three stacks of brownies and a favor to be named later.
When the night came I was so nervous. But it went well. We were playing two cops and Taggert and Dara Jensen were playing prisoners and we sang Jailhouse rock. Well, Lucky and Dara mostly. We saw Nikolas and Emily outside afterwards and we got into a fight. He pretended to care about my sister and I snapped, before I had a chance to think. They know about the rape. Emily and Nikolas. Nikolas said to Lucky he didn't care what his little girlfriend had been through and before Emily said that us Webber girls hadn't thrown ourselves at all the guys, Nikolas would've had realized he didn't want to date my sister in the first place. Lucky tried to convinced me they didn't know, no one did, but I don't think I can believe him.
When I arrived at Elizabeth's, my heart was banging so hard on my chest I thought I was going to faint. I was short of breath, and my eyes were full of water. What if anything had happened to her again? How could I live with myself? She opened the door and literally flew in my arms. I was about to cry I swear. She looked so scared, my heart was breaking for her. She told me how she was terrified and ran, and I told her I was glad she did. If anything had happened, I don't know what I would've done. Probably killed Murty.
She hustled me into performing at the Nurse's Ball. I swear, I have to learn how to say no to her. I learned late we would be performing with Dara and Marcus Taggert. I was so pissed. But Elizabeth flashed her smile at me, and her little puppy dogs eyes, saying she couldn't do it without me and guess what? I know, I'm a sucker. It was fun though, I have to admit. It wasn't my first time, but probably my favorite. We sang Jailhouse Rock and this time, I was the cop hehe. The evening was going smoothly until we ran into Emily and her little friend, Prince Cassadine. Elizabeth said something Emily didn't like and she blew off. Emily said the Webber girls were throwing themselves at all the boys and I saw the colors leave Elizabeth's face, so I told Em to back of, but then, like a knight, Nikolas said he didn't care what Elizabeth had been through. No, he said and I quote "I don't care WHAT your girlfriend has been through". First of all, he didn't have to say that in front of Emily. Second of all, she is NOT my girlfriend, she is my best friend. I will take care of my brother. For good. He won't be a problem anymore.
I think that was the most intelligent thing I have ever done, along with being the stupidest. After a session with Gail, and she told me it would take time, I wanted to speed things up a little, so, at the docks with Lucky, I asked him to kiss me. We were talking, and I said I wanted to be healed right away, and I told him "if you tell me to be patient, I'll punch you". I'll never forget the smile he had, he was so damn cute and he said "Ok. Don't be patient" He told me to scream, bite my nails and see if that works. I said "Thank you O wise one" and he told me I was doing great, not to be so hard on myself. I told him I wanted to be normal and that I thought it would be impossible for me to have a normal relationship and I said I refused to accept that. So I turned to him and I said "will you help me?" And he said "You know I will. What can I do?" And I answered "Kiss me?"
He said, like in shock, "You want me to kiss you?" And I said that I completely understood if he didn't want to, if the thought of it grossed him out and he said to give him a chance to think. I told him I thought a lot and that the only way to get my life back was to do the thing that scared me the most and if I survived, I knew I'd be OK. And I said that he was the only guy I could trust right now and I figured that if I tried it on him and didn't freak out completely then there was a chance for me to have a relationship someday. Lucky looked confused and he said "Let me see if I got this straight. You want to kiss me as an experiment to find out wether or not you can kiss someone you really wanna kiss?" I said it didn't sound right when he said it like that, and he said he could think of worst things. He said it would be a little tougher-- trickier than he thought and I said if he rather not and he said "Hey, hey, we can do this right?". His hand took a flock of hair out of my face and it gently brushed it. I leaned forward, thinking about how I've wanted this since the first time I saw him, to be able to finally taste his lips, but then, when he was so close to me I could feel the warmth of his skin, I was taken back to that night when Mr. Murty kissed me. I got up and ran, but Lucky ran after me. He said I had nothing to be afraid of and he was sorry. He said he wouldn't touch me. I said he did it because I asked him to and I asked what was wrong with me. I said I wanted to be well, I wanted to be normal and he said "We already discussed that. We're never going to be normal. That's what makes us superior. No matter what you said, I just--I shouldn't have tried that." I said he wouldn't have if I hadn't made him, and not to worry about it. I mean, what was going through my head was that he didn't want to kiss me. Never have. Even before the rape, he never saw me more as a friend, and now, I was his best friend, but nothing more. But then he said something that made my heart stopped. That's why I said earlier that it was the most intelligent thing I've ever done, asking him to kiss me.
He looked at me and said, "You know that, do you? Look, I probably shouldn't say this--but I have wanted to kiss you a hundred times." I was so surprised, I had to hold out when I asked "You have?" and he said "Yeah, for months." I didn't know what to do. A part of me wanted to ask him to kiss me again, but I knew I would just freak out again. He wanted to take it back, I could see he was embarrassed when he said "Oh, I can't believe I said that. I'm just making it worse now. Here you just wanted a friendly trial run like performing at the Nurses Ball. I had to go and be too real about it, spoil the whole thing." Too real? Spoil it? How can he spoil something that I've wanted to hear for as long as I can remember? I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, but I simply said "You really thought about kissing me--for months?" Lucky looked like he was more talking to himself when he answered "Why did I tell you that?" I thought, to make him feel better I would say something too, confidence for confidence. So I said "Why didn't I ask you to kiss me earlier?" Lucky looked at me like I lost my head, but I really meant it. "You know, before I was raped, I had a crush on you. That's why it was such a big deal when I stupidly thought we sort of had a real date to the Valentine's Dance. Gram knew. She took me to buy a dress." He looked sorry, and he said "I didn't know." I spoke my mind, telling him what I still think. "I know. I can't compete with Sarah." Right away he answered "Sarah who?" I laughed at that, knowing he didn't mean it. I told him how I hated my rapist because he took stuff from me that I can't get back and I can't act like a normal teenager. Then, like if he was on some cue, Murty walked and asked me to tell him what happened that night at the park. He confirmed that I flunked and he offered to give me some private tutoring, saying PC high wouldn't be offering English as a summer class this summer. Lucky wanted to jump for his neck but I calmed him down. When Murty left, Lucky said I was crazy and I asked him if I did take the private tutoring, would he leave me on my own and he said he would never do that, but he wouldn't like it.
One day, I don't know when but I swear that one day, I will let him kiss me, if he still wants to. I just hope I haven't completely blown my chances with him. Cause who am I kidding. I want a normal relationship with someone but just not anyone. I want a normal relationship with him. Only him.
But she ran away from me. I scared her. She could probably hear my heart going a million miles an hour. I ran after her, telling her I wouldn't touch her. I apologized again and again, saying even if she asked me, I shouldn't have accepted. She said "You wouldn't have if I hadn't made you, so don't sweat it". The thought of her being afraid of me nearly killed me. I wanted to make sure she knew I wouldn't touch her unless she wanted me to, unless she asked me to, so I said. "You know that, do you? Look, I probably shouldn't say this--but I have wanted to kiss you a hundred times." At the time, it seemed important for me that she knew. That even though I have wanted to feel her lips on mine, I never acted on those feelings. I wanted her to know. But she asked if I really thought about kissing her and my mouth got ahead of my brain and I told her I did thought about it. For months.
But then I felt stupid. Why did I tell her that? She didn't care about that, all she wanted was to see if she could do it, like if she would've asked me to go on a boat ride with her cause she was afraid of the water and I had to go and make a big deal out of it. Then she said "Why didn't I ask you to kiss me earlier" and I thought she was nuts. I mean, I looked at her like she was nuts. She told me how she thought us meeting for the Valentine's dance was a date and I was feeling awful. I said I didn't know and she said she couldn't compete with Sarah. The first thing that came to my mind was "Sarah who?" She laughed, but I wasn't joking. It took me a little time remembering who the heck Sarah was. But I played along, I didn't want to look stupid. She told me how she didn't have a lot of experience and how she was afraid to get any, and she thought she was embarrassing me. I still don't know why it would be embarrassing me, but anyway. We saw Mr. Murty and he offered Elizabeth some private tutoring, since she flunked English. I nearly jumped at his throat and he said I was part of Liz's problem when I said there was no way I would let her do it. I said that's rich coming from him but Elizabeth told me to shut up in her own way. After he was gone, I told her I didn't want her alone with him, that she would panic. She actually asked me if I wouldn't be there to back her up if she decided to do it. And I said "If you're that crazy, of course I'll be there. But I'm not saying I'm going to be happy about it."
I was kinda happy she forgot about the almost kiss. I don't want her to think about it and ask herself "he is thinking about kissing me" every time I'll be looking at her. One thing's for sure, I won't do it again, no matter how long she begs me for it. I thought I would pass out from nervousness this time, imagine with time how it's gonna be. Elizabeth and I are friends. Nothing more.
Then I'd like to stop thinking about how her lips were close to mine and go to sleep!