*This is a paper I had to write for college comp class. It's pretty shitty but It still amused me when I reread it, enjoy (this is probably a rough draft).*

*The thing my brother wrote is sorbo.*

I bet you’ve never heard of sarcasm. More importantly, I bet you don’t know the difference between my current monetary status and millions of dollars. The difference is a trio of bowling monkeys. A while back, when I was about six, I was at the circus with my family. There was a raffle type thing and the prize was one hundred shares of stock in a group of circus monkeys. I won; this has proven to be the only contest I’ve ever won. My parents decided to wave the stocks and take the one thousand dollar prize instead (the monkey stock was worth about $600 at the time). Apparently the owners of the monkeys founded a secret training technique. When they, the owners, died in a plane crash, all that remained as evidence were Smacky, Rockchild, and Coky the bowling monkeys (you may know them better as the "The Bowling Crackheads"). The hundred shares has split twelve times and is now worth about 2.3 million dollars.

I have my own brand of sarcasm, Rcasm. Rcasm, or practical sarcasm, is selling something, no matter how ridiculous, as the truth. The voice associated with normal sarcasm is dropped, and a serious or even enthusiastic one is adopted.

An Angry Forest Badger, Restrained "What the hell is the point?"

That’s a good question An Angry Forest Badger. There are many reasons why one would wish to engage in Rcasm, the first being the entertainment of those participating. Rcasm can take a boring situation and make it interesting.

An Angry Forest Badger, Restrained "Must there be two people for Rcasm to exist?"

That’s another excellent question. Rcasm generally involves the interrelation between two or more people who, wherein this interrelationship, play up a situation opposite to their perception of it in reality in a believable fashion. However, Rcasm can be the exageration of one’s beliefs in a fanatical manner, and Rcasm can also be a single person lying his ass off to a group of people in a believable fashion.

An Angry Forest Badger "I’m clear on the participation requirements, but that definition you gave about playing up a situation was wordy and confusing."

To clarify, I’ll give an example of Rcasm in action and then focus back on its purposes.

Bill and Jack finished watching an action movie and exited the theater. This conversation ensued:

Bill Did you like the movie?

Jack No the effects were too cheesy and the bitch never got naked.

Bill Yeh.

Now watch what happens when I replace Jack with Sweetio. ^x

Bill Did you like the movie?

Sweetio I thought the insectoid rock-splatter shit was riveting.

Bill That was good shit.

Sweetio I’m also glad that in this corporate Hollywood world, the director had the decency to not exploit women with nudity.

Girl I love you Sweetio.

Girl2 And I love you Bill; let’s all have sex.

Israeli Prime Minister Sweetio, I too have been inspired by you. I think I’ll stop all this silly fighting; let’s all have sex.

Did you notice the profound impact Sweetio had on the mundane nature of this world? He, being the sarcastic lemur that he is, gained the love of female companions for himself and his dear friend, Bill. He then resolved middle-eastern problems. Both of these life-altering events directly stemmed from his use of Rcasm.

I’d like to examine motives for using Rcasm more extensively. It’s use, again, is for entertainment. The reactions you can get from people is a prime motivater. I often go into public as American Man (half-naked, wearing two American flags, a boxing helmet, and cop glasses) or wearing boxing get-up, yellow-tinted glasses, an old-timer’s hat, and a wooden owl (three-foot, flat, wooden owl that hangs from my neck by a chain). I love the disgusted looks I get from the old, snooty women who infest my county. Likewise, I love the glares and freakish looks I get at the bowling alley when I talk about how cute the Hanson brothers are. I live in a prominently white, rich area in the suburbs near Atlanta. Needless to say, the snobby natives are disturbed by this behavior. Still, I occasionally find a cool stranger who interacts with me. Wearing a mask, singing, and swashbuckling, I was actually attacked by a produce man from Publix; he threw green beans at the puppet monkey I was wearing and verbally abused it.

Bear in mind, my use of Rcasm doesn’t always involve bizarre attire and annoying strangers. No, I also annoy my family. My friend Chris, a.k.a. Dr. Becker, and I pretend we are spies and giggle like girls in front of my parents. It’s not the action we enjoy but the reaction; You can almost see my parents wondering why the fucked-up sperm knew how to swim. Also, by being strange when I’m normal, parents can’t tell when I’m in an altered state.

Keeping with the tradition of Rcasm in the family but dropping the annoyance, I’ll look at my brothers for a moment. I’d have to say that of my brothers, Parker and Michael, Michael and I have the most Rcastic view on life. I visited home this weekend, and gave him instructions to write a little bit about how Kevin Sorbo, TV’s Hercules and the master of us all, has impacted his life; his response can be viewed unaltered in the footnote at the end of the paper. Michael is, by the way, 26 and Parker, 23. Parker has a grasp of Rcasm and is coming around in his loyalty to Kevin Sorbo, but he still has a ways to go.

With Michael, my Rcasm is generally mutual and exclusive; in most instances we are both fucking around in an isolated setting. While these situations are funny, much buffoonery is to be had when an innocent bystander is prayed upon. A jocular experience is always just three step away. Firstly, one must isolate a victim, preferably with markings indicating interest in an area (such as a band T-shirt). Secondly, the stranger is approached and the ice is broken with a "do you have the time," or other such bullshit line. Lastly, one simply let’s the shit flow about the victim’s interest. People are amazingly open about their undying devotion to stupid shit when I pretend to feel the same way. I got into a conversation with a kid about how the Three Ninjas, a lame children’s movie, is a metaphor for sand and toast (true story).

I have many more anecdotes and tidbits of advice, but quickly I grow weary. I’ll briefly expose some of the deterrents of using Rcasm. The foremost problem encountered upon using Rcasm is inhibitions. Inhibitions are evil little bitches designed by the man to keep us down, and they must be destroyed. No one should worry what a stranger or even an acquaintance will think of any remark. If they go home misled, then you win. This brings up an interesting story about Dr. Becker.

The first time Dr. Becker ever came to my house was in the 9th grade. With the help of my friend Stephen, who is currently institutionalized, I tricked Chris into thinking that my dad had recently gone insane. I told him that if he didn’t want to get kicked out of my house that would have to dress formally and make sure to have his hair combed at all times. I also told him about how my dad would run around in a turtle suit to pay omage to his god; I’m not sure if he believed the latter part. Sure enough, he was dressed up when he arrived at my house; he came through the basement with Stephen, and the fun began. I fetched a comb and frantically combed his already combed hair. My friend, John, popped out from under the covers on the couch and sighed in relief. "I thought you were his dad; he’d kill me for not wearing a coat and tie," said John. I then left the room, came back in wearing clothes from when I was six, and told him I was off to dance class. Eventually he figured out that I was full of shit. Anyway that is what Dr. Becker first saw of my family life. I picked him because I knew he would be amused in that feeling stupid sort of way. It’s not advisable to trick someone who has a gun, doesn’t like being fooled, and has a mean streak.

Here’s a disclaimer. I try not to use my powers of acting for evil purposes. This paper may not reveal the compassionate side of me. In fact, it might paint the picture of a cocky manipulative prick. This is far from the truth. I know when a friend needs me, and I know when not to fuck around. Rcasm can be a lot of fun, but should be used in moderation as far as tricking people you frequently interact with.

Remember, an Rcastic story must be told in such a manner that an outside observer would believe it. Rcasm is knowingly suspending disbelief. I’ve spent days of my life using this form of plump, seasoned, dry wit. Accordingly, I’ve got a lot of humorous stories. So the next time you see a freak wearing a cross, don’t hesitate to get in a conversation with him about the power of Jesus.^*