How to get the space gnomes off of your lawn
As our technology and understanding of the world grows, so does the space gnome lawn problem. You are probably aware that more than 75% of space gnomes actually live on Earth lawns, slowly stealing the souls of our pets and even our children. Can they be stopped? Well, I believe they can. However, the expunction of the gnomes must be a gradual process or else they may strike with their awesome cat-flavored biscuits (feared by Canadians and other pussies). There are really only two schools of thought on how to stop the space gnomes.
The most straightforward approach to stopping the space gnomes is to cut their annual production of corn and muffins. With no corn they cannot feed the parasites that live in their brain, causing a slow and amusing yet painless death. Without muffins they would be a muffinless society, and a muffinless space gnome society cannot survive. The drawback to the corn/muffin eradication plan is in the difficulty of implementation. It would probably take at least 15 minutes to destroy all of the corn in the world, maybe even 20, and nobody wants to take that much time away from their badminton tournaments and squirrel postcards. The muffin issue is an even stickier one. With most of the religions of the world considering the Muffin Barrier Initiative to be a sin, the social ramifications are far too great for the muffin blockade to succeed globally. If an attempt were to be made against to space gnome muffin supply, and it were to fail, the gnomes would quickly entrench themselves to such a degree that not even a spork could pry them away from our dear beloved lawns.
The most feasible method for ending the space gnomes’ reign of terror was actually suggested in 1998 by a French pastry chef. The basic idea behind his scheme is to combine the power of our emotional love into a great serpentine creature. If we were then able to harness this creature’s massive sexuality, we could erase the gnomes from our lawns. While his ideas about turning love directly into serpents may still be theoretical, I believe it will eventually be the key to our future endeavors against the evil space gnomes.
I’m too bored to tie up loose ends, so why don’t you just leave me alone?