| SUICIDE |
| I got the call on Wednesday January 5, 2000. My sister called to tell me she found my mom dead in her garage. She used her car to poison herself with carbon monoxide. Our lives were forever changed. The pain my mom was suffering transferred to us. We had to learn to live without a mom who couldn't live for herself or us. The days that followed her death were the worst days of my life. We had to make plans for funeral services for our 47 year old mom. We weren't ready for this. We did the best we could. We took my mom's ashes and put half of them in the lake where she lived and that she loved. This was a small ceremony and we all put flowers in the lake after we released her ashes. We buried the other half in a cemetery so her friends and relatives would have a place to visit. If you are thinking of suicide and you feel your family and friends would be better off without you-----please think again. Get help. Call your local hotline. They can get you information that you need to get help. If you are a survior of suicide and need someone to talk with then I recommend you check out the links below. |
| If you need help as a survivor or if you are feeling suicidal please visit these links. |
| 1-800-SUICIDE |
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| There are several support groups available at Yahoo! I help with the group for adults who have lost a parent to suicide. |
Hi Mom, I went to the lake today. You know, the lake where we put half of your ashes after you died? The drive always reminds me of when my sister called to tell me she found you in your garage. I pinched my hand to make sure it wasn't a dream. I couldn't feel the pinch because I was so numb. I remember seeing you before they took you away. I wanted to crawl in your lap and have you hold me. That was two and half years ago. Today I went to the lake for fun. I ddin't know if I could ever go again with a smile on my face, but guess what? I can. You taught me to be strong. And I am. Your suicide took away a year of my life. You were all I thought about all day, every day. I still think of you, but your suicide no longer consumes me. I went with my husband to the lake. You never liked him, but he is still with me, and you aren't. My four-year-old little boy, who was just one, when you died, was also with me. You would love him so much. He is so smart and tender-hearted. He often talks about you, his grandma in Heaven. Anyway, we went out on our new boat. Grandpa still has your boat. I wish you could have bought a newer one or could at least be here to enjoy ours. The water is too cold to ski or tube, but we waded in it. I didn't think I could ever step foot in that water after we put some of your ashes in it, but I can. I don't go to your grave much anymore. We put your other ashes there so we could take you flowers. We took you some on Mother's Day. I get angry that I have to visit you there, so I usually just don't go. I went on Mother's Day out of respect for you and because my sister wanted me to. You would be so proud of her. She has made it through her first year of nursing school with honors. Graduation will be bittersweet. Her heart will break when she looks out and sees all of the proud moms. Your face will not be there. Speaking of your face, sometimes I just can't see it anymore. Other times I see it plain as day. You will always live in my heart and memories, but I hope your death continues to lose its hold on me, and that one day all I remember is how much I love you. Love always, your daughter, Tracy |
