Welcome to another insegrievious edition of Trader Verne's UNCORKED COMMUNICATIONS; slower than molasses, but steady like a Migrain. What you read here is just between you and me, unless you think you know somebody who deserves it, in witch case you can send it on to dem! Anyhoo, pull up an old rum barrel and have a seat. I'll build us a coupla NAVY GROGS whilst I tellya all this stuff .....
"WHAT", you may ask yourself, "has JAMES WARREN HIMSELF, Creator and CEO of Warren Communications (FAMOUS MONSTERS OF FILMLAND, CREEPY, EERIE, VAMPIRELLA, etc.) been up to of late?" GO AHEAD! ASK YOURSELF THAT QUESTION! Ah! I'm SO glad you ASKED! And here is your answer: the JIMSTER is home resting up from intensive surgery he underwent last week. Seems JIM hadda have his EARS leveled so his glasses would rest evenly on his nose. But after all that expense, the surgery didn't take. I coulda told him all along (but he NEVER lissens to me!) That little piece of skin up by the top of his nosebridge is puffed slightly to the right, and that's whut is causing his glasses to tilt. Now he's gotta go back in to the Doc and have his NOSE LOWERED! Aren't you glad you ASKED? (I bet JAMES wishes HE'D asked! ME!) .......
SHIPWRECK KELLY, he of gaudy Hawaiin tiki shirts and zany straw hat fame, LOVES to tell this one: A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!" The cop asked, "What's he like?" The little boy replied, "Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits!" ... KELLY, you have no idea how I can relate to that (and neither do I !!!) ... SHIPWRECK KELLY is a lazerologist, or so it would seem ... he spent his summer with fellow lazerologist JOHN LONG, creating the fabulous new FIRST SCREEN-ACCURATE CLASSIC STAR TREK HAND PHASER KIT! YIKES!! Beam me up, KELLY!!! If you wanna buy one of these LIMITED EDITION beauties, go here: http://www.saucersoverhollywood.com/ and order NOW!!! .......
FLO GUTH provides this wonderfully simple survival test for you. What Should you do if You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? If you do not know, see answer below ......
Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round! ..... T'ANKS, FLO! LOVE IT!!!! .......
IF YOU WATCH EBAY (AND WHO DOESN'T?!!), you've seen the last THREE Trader Verne's Zombie Mugs up for auction. #3 and #2 went for LOTS AND LOTS OF MONEY!!! #1 will go for even a LOT MORE! Anyway, DONALD "ARIKONA" RANDOLPH is the proud owner of mug #3, and sends along this Uncorked Communication from his own AriKona’s Tiki log: "23 September, Anno Deo MMVI - 18:30 or 6:30 pm for our friends in a 12 hour world: I have mixed the ingredient for a Don the Beachcomber Zombie (ingredients to follow) (FOOTNOTE 1) (this is the first one) and have settled in for a evening of pleasure (yeah...I’m being Hedonistic, but it is deserved). Playing on the stereo is Robert Drasnin’s Voodoo! Sitting in my hand is the Trader Verne’s own Zombie mug filled with the nectar of Moai!!!! The first sip sends messages of history through my veins. This is it! The only way to find paradise! My reaction is: Yeah! Painless, uninhibited, why didn’t I do this sooner! (See footnotes (2) Wow! What am I doing in the anesthesia business? I have found paradise. I have found what so many have wanted to achieve. Total painlessness. I am floating on a cloud of joy! The music and drink leave me...well, in the hands of Mauli Ola (tiki god of health). I can only thank Mr. Verne Langdon...the man who brought a feeling of joy back into my life. God bless you and thank you Verne!!!!!! Now, the music turns to...Don Tiki and his "Forbidden Sounds". Again, I have found the secret to being where we were meant to be...in paradise! Note: I am sipping my second...yes, second Zombie. That means I have 15 ounces of joy in my veins. What a relief. I am in heaven. Thank you, Verne. Well, I must go back to the music now. I can only say that the Zombie drink, the mug, the music has made my life much more enjoyable. Thank you once again. Mahalo, AriKona" ....... you're a better man than I am, ARIKONA! HALF of one o' dem nasty thangs is MORE than I can deal with. Not that I don't love 'em. It's just that they make my LEGS do funny things. Like not want to STAND UP! .........
OUR OWN "MAUI MIKE" MARTIN, hisself pretty good at tossing down the tiki concoctions, sends word from the new supermarket on the next island over: "There's an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm and the smell of fresh rain. When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh butter fat. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying. So far I've been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle!" ..... Don't get up, please .......... MIKE can throw HIMSELF out! ... be sure to check out his & TONDALAYO'S nifty site right here in TRADER VERNE'S TIKI LOUNGE at http://www.oocities.org/tondishut/index.html .... it's an EYEFUL! ......
GENTLEMAN ED GIRON, a triple-threat ACTOR, DIRECTOR, and TOP KZSB-AM (SANTA BARBARA, CA) RADIO PERSONALITY, sends along THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2006: Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash / Expert Says Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers / Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? / Panda Mating Fails, Veterinarian Takes Over / Miners Refuse to Work after Death / Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant / War Dims Hope for Peace / If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile / Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures / Enfield London Couple Slain, Police Suspect Homicide / Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges! / New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group / Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft / Kids Make Nutritious Snacks / Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half / Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors / And the winner is .... Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead! .......... T'anks, ED! Funny stuff! ....
STEVE JARRETT sent this one in, and we can never forgive him! Read: "A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba's dead! What should Ah do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence ....... and then a shot is heard .......... The guy's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now whut?" .......... Ah STEVE, pretty funny stuff! ......... BANG! ..........
HERE'S A LITTLE PIECE OF WONDERMENT: SENIOR DRESS CODE ... Word has it many "Old Folks" (those over 50, WAY over 50, or hovering near 50) are quite confused about how they should present themselves. They are unsure about the kind of image they are projecting and whether or not they are correct as they try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided: 1. A nose ring and bifocals 2. Spiked hair and bald spots 3. A pierced tongue and dentures 4. Miniskirts and support hose 5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads 6. Speedo's and cellulite 7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar 8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor 9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge 10. Bikinis and liver spots 11. Short shorts and varicose veins 12. Inline skates and a walker And last, but not least ... 13.Thongs and Depen .....
AND SPEAKING OF "OLD FOLKS", Now is a good time to mention DEJAVU RECORD COMPANY'S new release, a SINGLE TRACK Limited Edition CD, "OLD FOLKS" by none other than one of AMERICA's most beloved comedians, JONATHAN WINTERS! Many years ago JONATHAN gained fame with his classic comedy recordings, but "OLD FOLKS" isn't one bit funny, nor was it meant to be (I oughtta know - I wrote the words and music). It's a bitter-sweet look at our "sunset years", and who better than JONATHAN to perform it? He's 80 years of age, and speaks with authority. I hope you'll buy it from of our music partners such as Amazon.com, Barnes & Noble, CDNOW, CD Universe, Best Buy, Borders, eMusic , iTunes (US, Japan, Canada, Australia, Belgium, Denmark, Europe, Finland, France, Germany, Greece, Ireland, Italy, Netherlands, Norway, Portugal, Spain, Sweden, Switzerland, United Kingdom) , MSN Music , Real/Rhapsody , Sony Connect , Napster (US, UK, CAN) , MusicNet (US, UK) , Yahoo Music Unlimited , Musicstrands.com, Virgin Digital , FYE , Musicmatch , Peer Impact/Wurld Media , Buymusic , Audio Lunchbox , Cdigix , AB-CD.com, Pure Tracks , Music.com, Pressplay, RealNetworks, MyMPO , Bollyvista , , AOL MusicNow , Ruckus , Karmadownload , Mushttp://www.maxmusic., Titan Tunes , AND - of course - eBay! And by the way. a portion of the sale of each CD or download will be given to LEEZA GIBBONS wonderful MEMORY FOUNDATION (to learn more go to http://www.leezasplace.org/index2.html .... WELL WORTH THE VISIT! .......
ALSO NEW IN THE CD DEPARTMENT are "MUSIC FOR MAGICIANS" (a re-release of the 1974 LP) from ELECTRIC LEMON RECORD CO., and BRAND NEW from DEJAVU RECORD COMPANY: VERNE LANGDON CARNIVAL OF SOULS COLLECTION! .... This one contains all SIX versions of my creepy & eerie composition, THREE of which have NEVER BEEN HEARD, and will be featured (vocal is the film's title song) in EDGAR ARCE'S (2006) CARNIVAL OF SOULS, a remarkable original story of the SUPERNATURAL! (Watch for the Bartender in the party scene, and listen for a not-so-badly sung "BLACK GARDENIAS" in the background!) Music aside, it's a WONDERFUL screen experience! CONGRATS to EDGAR ARCE, who WROTE & DIRECTED this screen GEM that stars LUIS AMECHAZURRA as DAD, LIDIA PIRES as MOM, JONATHAN DANE as CARLOS, LISSA PALLO as LAURA, and RICHARD C. HAWKE as FRANK. A stellar Company of Players, in EDGAR ARCE'S CARNIVAL OF SOULS, one EXCELLENT film! .........
OUR RESIDENT MENSCH, LIBBY REYNOLDS, whom we alweeze refer to as "DEAR LIBBY", never ceases to amaze, as evidenced by a recent communique wherein she succinctly stated: "Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!" LIBBY, You're a DEAR! ... I guess that's why we call ya "DEAR LIBBY!" (Did YOU know that? I didn't know that. Why didn't I know that? Why didn't I know the gum secret before now? I could have spent a lot less time crying!) ....
MORE FROM "PROFESSOR" CHRIS SQUIRES: Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES." You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS. And furthermore... HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN." 2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE." 3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE." 4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY." 5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION." 6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED." 7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED." 8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED." 9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE." 10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED." 11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR." 12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER." ... as to the male population: HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY." 2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN." 3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS." 4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION." 5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS." 6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL." 7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION." 8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY." 9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED." 10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED." 11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - it's "REAR CLEAVAGE!" ..... NOW you know WHY we call him "PROFESSOR" CHRIS SQUIRES!!! ....
GAW-JUSS MOVIE STAR MAKEUP ARTIST CHERI MINNS, who is SO gaw-juss she don't need no stinkin' makeup herself, spent 10 days in JAMAICA during the summer (poor thing!), and of course MISS ZAZU went along for the ride (or the rum-flavored doggie bones; whichever!) MISS ZAZU was well-prepared for the jaunt, looking tres jaunti in her JAMAICAN fedora! "ARF, ARF!", MISS ZAZU! (In JAMAICAN, "ARF, ARF!" means simly "ARF, ARF!" Didn't know I speak dog, did you?!!!) ... ARF, ARF! ...........
KEN ROBERTS sent these to DAVID DE CLUE, and DAVID sent them to ME! So HERE! I'M sending them to YOU!!! Anybody got anymore? IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore. This one was from Kingman , KS . IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." Happened in Birmingham , Ala. IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually-challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often!" Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a bunch at Texas Instruments. IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office, no less. IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side.." This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi! ... IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD! Yeah, I know guys.... WE got a few IDIOTS here on the ISLAND, too! ...
"OH, YEAH? LIKE WHO?!!" You may ask .... well, fer one, there's Crazy CHARLIE, THE IDIOT! He's such an IDIOT he refuses to buy SHOES! He just paints his FEET black, then laces his TOES together! You want more? Just axe me! We got a MILLION idiots here! ...... Now on to something more IMPORTANT: BOOZE!!! ...
MY NEFOO DONAVAN FREBERG keeps me in AWE of his Creativity! Minute-to-minute, hour-by-hour, day-to-day, week-to-week, munth-to-munth, yeer to yeer! Like his "October Girls" on his SEPTEMBER 23 BLOG, F'rinstance! Go lookie at these girls in MASKS, but ONLY if you're 18 or older! Yeah, right. I can HEAR the STAMPEDE of little adolescent feet NOW! http://babyboyfreberg.typepad.com/demented_tidbits/ . I t'ink my Nefoo is THE GREATEST! .....
GREAT BOOZE QUOTE OF THE QUARTER comes from the late FRANK SINATRA, who once opined ""I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. " .... I agree with ol' blue eyes on that, and speaking as we just were of Spiritus Frumenti ............
... IT'S THAT MARVELOUS TIME AGAIN, ME BUCK-O! The sun is above the yardarm, and that means only ONE thing on Trader Verne's Isle: the time has arrived for SIPPIN' A NAVY GROG! I'll be here on the beach for the next coupla hours, watching the waves lap at the shore, and the golden fronds drop to the ground, and the BLACK GARDENIAS afloat in my NAVY GROG, (Trader Verne's fave Tropical Sauce!!!) Seeya necks time! ........ |
