Taboos

The Taboos: Sex, Politics, and Religion

       Generally sex, politics, and religion are refered to as "taboo" subjects unless you are very close to people it is in bad taste to bring them up. Aside from knowing this very important bit of etiquette, when they do come up such delicate subjects even have certain methods for dealing with them.

       The first taboo I'm going to cover is sex. Despite that everyone seems to think sex is only for "bad girls" and not something there is any etiquette to go along with; there is and it's for everyone. For traditional courtships one or two dates beforehand seems to be the norm before having sex for the first time. Around the time of the fifth date if anything such as one inviting the other to their home sex is going to be involved. If you do not wish to take part in a sexual realtionship before marriage, and it's clear that your partener is not of this same idea and you are exclusive or getting there, these are also apporitate times to bring this (preferably before that fifth over at your place dinner date) up. Of course, in the case of one night stands; sex is then. There are some obvious signs of invitation for sex though, and that acceptance of them of course means the acceptance of the sex too. The first phrase that is a invitation for sex is "Do you want to come in for a drink?" in the context of the late-night-after-dinner-drink. If you do not mean to have sex then do not accept this invitation, it's as old as the hills and pretty hard to explain why you didn't know what was meant. "Let's go away for the weekend" is another. With hotel rooms there will be one king-sized bed; for the both of you; if you go on this trip it is extremely rude to refuse them sex. Firstly, you should have known there is a crystal clear invitation. Second if they paid the expenses for you and you are dating it's obvious even to your grandmother. In the cases of plutonic trips you must pay your own way. "Why don't you come for a visit?" is more unclear but possibly a sexual invitation. If they live in another city and you're unsure of what your realtionship with them is you may want to request a guestroom. If you do back out, and of course though the sexual implications of the invitations are clear you can still back out, you must apologise profusely. Should you bring someone you're dating home then take things slow. It's a lot easier to say you honestly only meant for him to have a drink if you're both still dressed. If you do not intend to have sex with your partner, then it's a good idea not to bring them home in the wee hours. If you have roommates a qucik intorduction between room-mates and your date is apporiate. You may want to go to the kitchen for a few nightcaps and then straight to your room. It's a good idea if you have been drinking to get both a glass of water for you and your guest; even if she/he does not request one.
        So now your in the room, what to do next. If you want to make the first move, go ahead. If you want to be seduced keep making conversation until your ready, then stop and give him a little smile; this usually works. Dressing and undressing is always a hard part too, even for those of us who are wonderfully confident. Natural lighting is best and a good way to set the mood. Light some candles, or dim the lights if there are no candles. Moonlight is nice and romantic and a little street lighting looks allright too. You want your skin to look great but not every detail being able to be seen. Because I am a girl, there are some tips that I can give for the girls as to what to do. First, wear a matching bra and underwear; or none at all. Next, clean your room and throw some extra pillows on the bed for a more inviting look. Open your window coverings to let moonlight or street-light in. Have a candle and matches on the dresser so that you can light it easily. In this day and age the this is a very important part, have condoms in your nightstand drawer (latex and the latex substitue are best, lambskin will block sperm but not everything else and therefore isn't helpful in protecting yourself against STDs and the like). Have breath mints on hand and a cover-up or robe nearby. Now, if it is an unplanned even avoid the ever popular "my place is a mess"; excuse yourself and run to your room for a quick tidy-up and change into "sexy" underwear. If of course you are a guy reading this then this advice works for you too; every girl should expect the same sort of treatment by a guy. Personally, being a girl and all, I prefer my place because my hair and skin care products are all there. For the girls: if you are at his place, it's proper to ask him if he has an candles and you may light them or if you can open his blinds and turn off any bright lights (guys don't often think of these things). Generally speaking, if you're modest after sex you can shiver and ask for a t-shirt because you're often "cold" at night. This will give you cover in the morning.
         The morning after can be blissfully happy, or not there at all. Even if the sex was attrocious, a nice "good morning" chat is polite and required. However it's a good idea not to talk about the act itself, nothing is more embarassing than if your "that was amazing" is returned with a blank stare. Wheather it's your fifth, thrid, or first and only date and despite you may feel snuggly keep the conversation to general conversation; "what are your plans for today?" is polite because wheather you, or your partner, are feeling the need to bolt it's an easy out. Unless you are a fullfledged couple, get dressed in the morning. Walking around nude or in pajamas is couple behaviour. This is the worst idea if you just needed sex, aren't sure if you want to take the realtionship any further than it has gotten already, or if you never plan on seeing the person again because it gives the wrong signals; it's also rude because your partener may have those feelings and guilting someone to stay with you isn't polite at all. Plus, people can "look different" in the morning, ecspecially when alcohol has come into play. Also, offer your partener a clean shirt or second robe and keep in mind you may never get the garment back. Offer your lover first dibs on the shower, just in case they want to get gone PDQ. Another thing you must do is share your toothbrush, you just slept with them whatever cooties they have are already in your mouth. It's a bad idea to show them a collection of brand new toothbrushes you keep "just in case" because then it seems like you do this sort of thing all the time. Breakfast is the indicator of what will happen to this realtionship. If it's at your place you should offer your partener some kind of breakfast, no matter how bad you feel. If you're totally mortified pour them a glass of orange juice and let that be it. If you don't think you'll be seeing them again, however, can muster enough courage to look at them a bowl of cereal and coffee is fine and will probably be very appreciated. Pancakes and going out of breakfast should be reserved for someone you really like. Also, with pancakes beware, there's something about them that makes people want to go back to bed for some more sex. If it was not at your place, you can gague where the realtionship is going by the kind of breakfast you are offered. If sex preceeded your realtionship then it is not rude to ask for his number the morning after. If you don't want to offer your number be more direct and invite them out sometime; but be prepared for a let-down. If you do not want to see them again be clear (but not cruel) at this time. Lie a little; a "I'm not ready for a realtionship" or "I'm not really looking for a realtionship right now" is a lot better than "you're lousy in bed" or "I can't stand the sight of you anymore, what was I thinking."
        Occassionally, the morning after just can't be stomached at all and you will need to make a midnight run for home. If your lover cannot stay the night, do not invite them to your place; or make it increadably clear if and when you do that this is the case. In my opinion it's rather rude to invite someone in for a nightcap if there is not possible way for them to stay the night. If you honestly can't stay the night because you have a dog that needs walking or whatever your getup is just won't go over well at work/class in the morning make this clear beforehand. If the sex was just awful and you cannot stay and cannot stand your partner touching you one more moment a simple "I never sleep over the first night" or "I can't stay" will suffice. It may in fact relieve your partener.
        Souvenirs are uncalled for if one is out of high school. Shirts, lighters, whatever the case may be, this is not the practice of a lady or gentlemen. The only time such an item may be kept as a token of your night together is when it's offered (IE you have been offered a clean shirt to make it home in the morning) or when you are in an exclusive realtionship; in which case, your lover will see it again. In the event of a breakup these items should be returned, they were barrowed not gifts; at the same time, unless it is some dearly pricey item like the new stero system you bought for the apartment you two were going to share, or were sharing, then it's rude to ask for your things back. A few CDs and maybe a few shirts can be replaced; but I want to stress your ex's items should NOT BE KEPT.
        Sexual history of a new beau (or belle) is definately a must but there are ways to go about it. It is a matter of your health, you should definately take responsiblity for your health. No matter what your partner tells you about their sexual past there are definately ways to take care of your own sexual health. You shouldn't feel shy or uncouth bringing it up at dinner on the intended first night, you won't ruin the mood because it's not too close to the event and they'll be distracted by food. Flirty, but matter of fact, questions are a good way to get responses. For example "so, do you have many exes?" and "I donated blood for the first time last week, have you ever done that?" are good ways to start (even if they are fibs, but if you're sexually active you should be checked for AIDS and STDs regularly). No matter what he/she says, you must use condoms. If there are protests make it clear that's the way it will be or nada. If the protests are of a medical nature, say your partener has an allergy to latex, there are latex alternative condoms that cost a little more than latex (and I've heard the sensation of them is better also). Whatever you do, do not use lambskin condoms; they only block sperm and everything else gets through thus they are not protection against STDs. However, you're probably not only interested in their sexual history for fear of getting something, you want to know what they like, what has been done, and what really turns them off. After you've been sleeping together for a bit pillow talk is a good way to do some prying. If you're serious, and still starting out, it's good to steer clear of questions about recent exes unless they're happy to talk about them. Also, be aware that when you start this pillow talk it will turn back around on you so dont' play shy if your lover has just spilled their guts.
        Don't be shy with your lover. Enjoy sex. Don't be afraid of sex. Be lusty and enthusiastic about your partner's body. Remember, in sex, showing up is only 50% the other 50 is effort; so put something into it. Listen to his fantasties and don't be afraid to try new things. If you're in an exclusive realtionship (engaged, dating exclusively or going steady, or married this isn't tacky to do) it's improtant. If you care about the person and they're horrible in bed, react as if they were wonderful and watch them improve. Praise them for doing what you like, even if they haven't found that little spot you adore being touched in yet. Peole like to be good at things, a little praise goes a long way. If he confesses a sexual fantasty and shows some interest in wantting to try it (sometimes people would rather things were left as what they started out as; fantasty) then unless it's something that really makes your skin crawl be generous and give in.
         Something else that goes along with sex etiquette is what to do if you happen to be gay. First, if you are out of the closet or not, your new lover may or may not be so ask them. Of course, all previously mentioned etiquette should of course be put into play. Sometimes friends know but family doesn't, vice versa, or even a mixture of people know or not. Take this into consideration when you are introducing your new lover to friends and family. If they are not out of the closet it's best to introduce them as your "friend." If you should discover a friend or relative is homosexual, it's terribly rude to react with disgust or scorn them. They are the same person you have always known and this simple fact of who they fancy shouldn't change anything.

         The next sensative subject to cover is politics. The gerneral rule is not to discuss politics with anyone you do not know exteremly well. Many people are exteremly political and their belifes are strong and central to how they live their lives. This is fine; if you of course agree with their belifes you will most likely have very little to no problems. If you disagree however it's not as easy as people make it seem to "put your differences aside." I know it's not easy, believe me, but it's central to being polite. You must treat everyone equally no matter what your political belifes and affliations and you should be careful what you tell people and whom you tell. For example, abortion is a touchy subject that isn't always a good idea to bring up. Personally, I am pro-choice, and I'll happily debate with anyone who would like to and actively participate in the activities of pro-choice organisations. However, while it is known by most of my friends that I'm pro-choice and for those of them that disagree why (and I know why they are pro-life) we simply step around this and can happily remain friends; it is not something I make a point of topic all the time. The same goes for other political issues. Also keep in mind, if arguing about politics happens realise that you may hurt those who you are arguing with. Of course it is rude to some extent, I think it is only rude if you were excessively mean on purpose. Simply to say "the quality of life of children who are the result of unplanned pregnancies is lower than children who are the result of planned, or pregnancies of mothers who were fully able to support a child" is better and more polite than to say "To have a child from an unplanned pregnancy if you cannot support a child is selfish." When you are agruging try not to include only your opnion or belifes, this means keep your arguments secular. This means, any arguement that centres around God, (any god), or a religious text like The Bible, Torah, or Koran are unacceptable. This is because you cannot back them up with facts; you do not know what your god thinks and even others of your same religion may disagree with you. Do not use any opinion of yours you cannot back up with a fact. This makes your opinion valid, opinions you cannot back up with facts while being valid opinions aren't good for debates because you will not be able to convince those you are debating with that they are valid.

        Religion is another taboo subject. First and foremost it is rude to ask anyone about their religion or belifes. If they felt comfortable telling you I'm sure they would. Next, you should take great care in inviting people to your religious services. I undertand some beliefs are evangelical and believe that they must "save the world" with their belifes however it is rude to suggest to someone their belifes aren't valid or yours are better. If you are evangelical invite someone to worship with you once and only once. If they refuse your invitation accept that. Also, understand that while most people will feel fine giving you a reason for their refusal of your invitation they are not required to.