Wedding Etiquette

It's Not Your Average Wedding...

         A wedding, and the vows spoken on this special day, is one very important day in the lives of two people. Today over 50% of marriages fail, and traditional etiquette for weddings seems to have gone out the window. When a woman gets engaged today it's easy to become the Bridezilla and begin to think until your wedding day the world should and will revolve around you. Unfortunately our culture only encourages this sort of behavouir and it's not uncommon for brides to become upset if a friend whom is also getting married plans her wedding in the same month as hers or any close friend or relative dare to plan anything not centered on "the bride" such as a shower or such in the same month or two. Newly engaged couples are afraid to announce their newly found bliss because Betty and Keith haven't been married yet, or are getting married in a few months and the newly engaged doesn't want to steal Betty's moment. Guests are wearing bright red dresses and someone out there is sitting around right now thinking they have a year to send a wedding gift to the newly wed couple. Other attrocities occuring are mothers of the bride are throwing bridal showers, or brides are throwing them for themselves, and brides are under the impression a gift is a *must* and that they will recieve presants from family and friends for every anniversary. These are all examples of bad manners at any wedding. Most close minded people would say anything other than the traditonal wedding is distasteful; and I'll admit, I've been a guest to some weddings that have made me cringe (inwardly of course) at the etiquette faux pas commited, however, "alternative weddings" can be just as faux pas free as the traditional white dress in the little chapel.
         Non-traditional weddings require a little more effort than traditonal ones simply because you must find a way to be tasteful in what you do. You don't want to alienate your grandma or conservative family members, however your more open-minded "alternative" friends may feel just as isolated at the traditional wedding. Or, if you're of a different faith than the majority of your family then it may just not be for you. First, you don't have to have your wedding in a chapel, or even a church. Gardens, hotels, museums, historical sites (such as historical homes and beds and breakfasts) and many other interesting places often host weddings. Sometimes even parks do. Most of these places will host either the ceremony or reception, but some places will do both. Also, candlelit ceremonies are beautiful. If you're of a darker persuasion you don't have to wear white (though, yards of white tulle *do* look lovely) darker colours on both wedding party and flowers can be very lovely - and are even traditional in the fall and winter season. Decorations at your reception is probably where you can get the most creative. Go with whatever floats your boat, rose petals or spiderwebs and bats; just remember, keep it understated. If your parents are paying for the wedding however you must keep in mind their feelings, while it's true it is *your* big day, it's their money. If you really want to go all out and have your way (but of course, it should be your and your finace's way) then pay for it yourself.
        But before the wedding comes the engagement. At one point or another someone popped the question. And generally, usually, it comes with a ring. If the bride to be doesn't like the ring, she should let her partner know; gently. But first, she should keep the ring for a few weeks to see if it grows on her or she could learn to love it. In the end, if the verdict is that no, she just cannot abide with it then she should gently sit him down and tell him that she would prefer another ring and why. It is unacceptable to want another ring because the one that was given has a diamond that is too small or because it didn't cost enough. (If it honstely bothers you, many couples "upgrade" a few years later for an anniversary.) Contrary to popular belife or what the ring ads tell you, your engagement ring is not a huge statement about how much he makes, nor is it a statement of your worth to him, it is a statement that simply says I want to marry you. Never tell anyone how much the ring cost, this is most uncouth. Also, in the case of the engagement that has been called off return the ring. Even if it was his decision to break it off you should give the ring back. If he's totatlly split and run off, give the ring to his mother or other trustworthy relative.
        The next thing that happens generally is planning the wedding. It's good to be up front about how much money you are going to spend; and then decide what sort of wedding you will be having. Along with that you will need to talk with your mate to see how much wedding responsiblity (s)he wants to take on. It's not fair but it's a fact of life, the bride plans the wedding, the bride sits for hours to pick out just the right fabric swatches, and it'st he bride who in the end is praised for her "good taste" or for how "horrible" the wedding turned out and any etiquette faux pas commited. No one else will be expecting him to even so much as lift a finger. It's also a good idea to delegate out responsibility, ecspecially for jobs that will take place on the big day. Tell your mother you need her to take over the invitations and keep track of who has RSVPed. Ask your maid of honour to keep track of gifts at the shower and at the wedding so you can write thank you notes. This isn't losing control of your wedding, but strangely enough will keep you more sane and therefore better able to be in control. You can, of course, avoid all this fuss and just hire a wedding planner but if you do be very clear about what you want and don't be afraid to polietly inform your planner if something doesn't fit into your ideas.
         Another wedding matter is that of registering. In the US it's common and considered "rude" if you don't. However, there is something terribly crass about telling people exactly what you want. If you decide not to registar you will hear about it; a lot and often. The fact of the matter is, it's easier for everyone around you. If you don't registar; despite how absolutely crass it is then everyone will call you ungrateful, selfish, and spoiled behind your back ecspecially when they get a shower invitation and have trouble finding a gift for you. The upside of registaring is that you will be ensured to get some items you really need, want, and like; even from great-aunt-Jo whom hasn't seen you since you were knee high and has no idea what to buy. If you're very young, or both of you have never lived on your own the registaring is a very good way to get what you will need to settle in (like china, linens, a toaster, a blender, towls, etc.). However, the truely crassness comes in when you're over thirty, or have lived on your own for some time and have acquired those things which are needed for a home. If you do register keep in mind the price of things on your list. The goal is to create a list of things you both need and want however remember your guests budgets will be different. Be sure you pick some items for grandma and grandpa and his rich cousins who can afford, or will feel more responsible to, drop a bit more to get you some of that really great crystal or nice china and include plenty of items for your student friends or cousins who's spending money comes from a weekend waitressing job.
        Along with gifts goes showers. As a bride you CANNOT throw your own shower, or bacholorette party. By the same token, grooms may not throw their own bacholor party; this is generally the responsibilty of the best man. Also, let your mother, his mother, and your maid of honour know that you do not want four showers. Only one is apporiate, and gifts shouldn't be the only reason to have one. Try to make it more than a gift free for all. Plus, it's rude for the mother or anyone in the immediate family of the bride to throw the bridal shower. This is pretty much required of the Maid of Honour, and she should confer with the mother on as to the arragements and who to invite and probably the bride is not a bad idea. As the bride at the shower be sure you keep good notes of who got you what and send thank you notes out immediately. Never lump all your thank you notes together and send them out after your wedding day. Not only is this rude but you will spend a fortune in postage along with give yourself a huge hand cramp. Thank you notes have to be hand written. Thank you notes are not just for people who buy you gifts but for EVERYONE who attends your event. If they were generous enough to spend a little money on you acknowledge this and even let them know how you have used the gift or intend to use it. A good example of a thank you note:
Dear Aunt Bertha,
     Thank you so much for attending my bridal shower (or wedding, or whatever event). It meant a lot have you there. Also, I enjoyed the lovely toaster you gave me, I really needed one. Gary appreciates it too and it's such an excellent colour it will go with our kitchen.
Love,
     BRIDE
You should always send thank you notes. Immediately after the event. For weddings, your thank you notes should be sent out as soon as you get back from your honeymoon. I understand no one particualarly finds it romantic to write thank you notes, but think of this this way, if you split the work up between the two of you it'll go faster; and long plane rides aren't much fun or terribly romantic anyway! They're the perfect time for thank you notes.
       Locations and invitations also have special etiquette. First of all, you should consider your location. Not so much the exact place, but the town. If your family lives in the midwest, but you are currently living on the west coast, you should keep in mind no matter where you have your wedding some people (be this group your friends or family) will have to travel. You should try and see if you can't find them a good deal on plane tickets and do research for hotels in everyone's price range. Sometimes hotels offer group rates for groups of people of a certain number, keep this in mind and let everyone know before hand. This can happen with plane tickets too; some airlines even have discount wedding packages. You should also make a list of good resurants, things to do, and places to see. While you do not have to spend all their stay entertaining them, you should give them some suggestions for spending their time. This will also motivate them further to come to your wedding, suddenly it's not all about you and it could possibly be their only trip of the year, make it worth it by putting some time into finding them things to do. Wedding invitations need to be sent out further in advance than other invitations. At least six weeks' notice is required and an RSVP date will definately make your life easier. If you are asking them to travel little "save the date" cards are also a good idea. Personally I favour sending engagement announcments which, also have the same sort of purpose. They alert people of your engagement/impending wedding. Try not to be too miffed if your invitees are late in replying. If you don't recieve replies by the RSVP date follow up with a phone call or have a good friend or whoever you have put in charge of the RSVP and guest list to do it for you. You can also do this by e-mail, which is ecspeically helpful when dealing with out of town, and therefore long distance phone call, guests; you may want to include an e-mail RSVP option for their convience With your invitations be sure you are clear as to what they are invited for. Obviously the wedding, but wedding and reception, is it a dinner reception, and the like. Food is an important thing for people to be aware of as they will want to know if they should eat beforehand or be hungry. If you are not having an open bar be sure this is made clear too. Another matter to discuss in the invitation is the formality. Please, stick to casual, Formal, or black-tie please; semi-formal does nothing but create confusion. NEVER send a wedding invitation by e-mail, you MUST send it on paper; preferably good stationary. Wedding invitation wording is generally formal; remember your wording will be an indication for how formal the wedding is, and also for who is hosting the event.
        Receptions are the party after your actual wedding ceremony. In some cultures there is more than one reception, one for the family that consists of a sit down dinner, and another that consists of finger foods, drinking, and dancing; most American weddings put these two into one event. While you may or may not be actually hostessing the reception, be sure you say hello to all your guests (it is your party) and be sure you talk to everyone. There is also the recieveing line where you, your new husband,a nd your families shake the hands of everyone you've invited and decided to grace you with their presance. It's also good manners to stop by each little table (if you have this format) and have a chat with everyone there; this is most important for your new family because it may be the first time you are meeting some of them. Also, you do not have to stay for the entire reception. These days many couples do, but if you do not want to it's not rude to leave a bit early. You may change into another outfit before leaving, a going-away or traveling outfit, or make an exit in your gown. If you have a late night reception it is probably more practicale to make an exit in your gown, assuming you are not taking a late night flight or traveling to anywhere but your bridal suite. Rember to thank your wedding party and parents and probably your out of town guests if not all of them before you run off.
        After the wedding is over and the stress is gone and you are married you'll probably have a lot of time to yourself. Your friends and family will most likely be pretty sick of you for six months or so and it's usually reccommended to keep a low profile for a year. I disagree though, but personally can see why newly weds may enjoy keeping a low profile for awhile.
       Be prepared, someone in your bridal party will let you down. Don't get into a confrontation, let it go. Dance with your partner and forget about it. There will be one. Deal with it, forget about it, ignore it; and don't worry, you won't even have to gossip about it later everyone else will for you. Sometimes weddings are a little touchy. Maybe you're having a muslim wedding, but your family, or his family, is not Muslim. You may want to make programs for your wedding in this case stating what will be happening throughout the wedding. This will help your guests feel more comfortable and like they know what's coming. It's not the least bit insulting so don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
       Other wedding etiquette for the bride, bridal party, and newly weds is more common sense (oh yes, it gets more common sense than that folks!). Firstly, if you are newly weds you do not get anymore gifts other than those recieved at your shower, or reception. Annivsaries are where you two may give each other gifts and unless it's a "milestone anniversary" like 15 years, 25 years, 50 years, or 75 years and you have a large celebration then you should NOT EXPECT GIFTS. In fact, at no time should you expect a gift from anyone, even at your wedding. You may not write, e-mail, or phone anyone to ask them where your gift is, this is at the height of rudeness. Also, you do not have to invite children to your reception if you do not want to; but for out of town guests who most likely will be traveling with their little ones, you should then find them a few reputatble babysitters for the kiddies. When picking out bridesmaid dresses be sure you are considerate. Maybe find something they can wear again, or at least in their price range. Be a considerate bride!

       There is also etiquette for the guests at a wedding. I don't know of many people who have never been a guest at a wedding, or at least seen a wedding on TV or in the movies. First, RSVP stands for Respondez Si Vous Plait, which is French for respond please; this means you are to phone the number next to the RSVP and let them know if you are going to attend the event or not. Even if your answer is not, you should still phone them and inform them of this. Black-tie and Formal both mean the event is formal. Formal dress for men is a suit and tie generally and for women it is more versitle. For women nice suits, dresses, and skirt outfits are fine. Personally, I wouldn't wear a skirt to a Black-tie or Formal wedding unless it was very nice but that's personal preferance. Generally speaking, day weddings are casual and evening weddings are more likely to be formal affiars. If you are a wedding guest you should not wear white, red (scarlet, cherry red, or any other save the very dark burgundy and marron), or black. Wearing black to wedding is not the faux pas it once was, but in some places it may still be today. The point is not to wear anything to steal the bride's spotlight; but of course, look nice it's disprespectful to the couple if you show up in jeans and a t-shirt to their wedding. In regard to wedding gifts, you do not HAVE to bring a gift, this is something you do because you want to not because you have to. If you are short on cash and still want to give the couple a gift homemade items like baked goods (prolly not a great idea unless you know they are not having a honeymoon trip) or afghans and quilts are lovely and will be treasured. Also, only one gift is required. If you give a gift at the shower it's perfectly fine to not bring one to the wedding. Should the selfish bride say anything nasty about this it's her mistake, not yours. While on the subject of wedding gifts, you either give the couple a wedding gift at the shower, wedding, or do not. Wherever you may have heard you have a YEAR to send a wedding gift is truely wrong. You either give one right there and then or not at all! Invitations are only for those to whom they are addressed. If you recive an invitation addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Joesph March then it is only for Mr. and Mrs. Joesph March (and incidently yes, the correct way to address a letter to a married woman is Mrs. John Doe - but I think it's diminishing to the wife (John Doe being the husband's name of course!). If it is addressed to "Mr. and Mrs. Joseph March and Family then it includes any children they may have. If a couple are engaed the invitation should be addressed to both, this also goes for unegaged couples living together (but not if it's only as roommates, if they are together), it should read "Mr. Joseph March and Miss Jo March" or Mr. Joseph March and Significant Other." If it does not say "Mr. Joseph March" and somewhere indicate he and a date are invited to the wedding then you may not bring a date along. Also, when you RSVP be sure to include how many people you are bringing with you.