NEWSFLASH - TRAMPWINE-AHOLICS GIVE UP LAMBRINI FOR LENT

IT IS THE APOCALYPSE AS WE SPEAK... One Kiri Clarke (left), and one Laura Slater (right) have taken on the arduous task of giving up trampwine for lent.  You may feel this is an impressive decision to make; YOU POOR NAIVE TRAMPWINE-ISTES...  Scientific tests have shown that the withdrawal symptoms due to a lack of trampwine maybe just as catastrophic as the results of this wonderful drink.  These effects may include; 1)  Sudden obsession for people with overly-large ears. 2)  A tendency to cradle-snatch (for example a certain boy from My Family) 3)  An uncontrolable urge to listen to 'Insania'.  Repeatedly. 4)  The inability to sing a song normally, but instead substituting every word for 'do'

Having spent all her money on trampwine, and with nothing to her name but clothes even oxfam rejected, Kiri Clarke has resorted to living on the streets.

Unable to get a real job, Laura Slater performs circus acts on the off chance she'll get adopted by gypsies.

THIS SPECTACLE HAS GONE ON LONG ENOUGH.