| Hawkeye's Quotes |
| "I can take umbrage, I can take the cake, I can take the A-train. I can take two and call me in the morning, but I cannot take this sitting down" "I don't care. I really don't. They'll keep coming whether I'm here or not. Trapper went home and they're still coming. Henry got killed and they're still coming. Wherever they come from, they'll never run out." "Oh. We have a Savior by that name." (After a soldier says he is Jesus Christ) "I'm reminded of a story, you've probably heard it. The king and queen of this country were playing golf with five clubs. Their son Jack remarked how strange it was that they only had two hearts between them. And just then his sister Little Deucy and her dog Tre started singing "Four Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend," whereupon the whole family beat her to death and buried her with two spades." "Look Colonel, I'll treat their wounds, heal their wounds, bind their wounds, but I will not inflict their wounds." (After Col. Potter says something in Spanish) “Colonel, he only speaks Korean and English” "Look Beej, I know it's tough for you to say goodbye so I’ll say it. Maybe we'll see each other again and maybe not. In any case, I want you to know how much you've meant to me." “Am I ranting? I hope so, my ranting gets raves” "Morning, ladies and germs. The ambulance stopped with a jerk and I got off." "I will not carry a gun, Frank. When I got thrown into this war, I had a clear understanding with the Pentagon: no guns. I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to Old Virginia, I'll even hari-kari if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun! " (Trying to get rid of spirits, he says some weird words. Frank walks out) “My gosh, it worked!” “I happen to be an officer only because I foolishly opened an invitation from President Truman to come to this costume party. As for my ability as a doctor, if you honestly question that, I’m afraid I’ll have to challenge you do a duel.....specimen bottles at 20 paces.” “I always feel patriotic after OR. My whites are covered with red and it gives me the blues.” "Didn't like it? Let me count the ways." “Sorry I’m late, but my watch stopped. It had to, it’s been running fast all week.” "Ours not to question why, ours not to let them die." "The younger they get, the older I get." "Beej, you oughta sit back sometime and listen to the war. It sounds as bad as it looks." "A war is like when it rains in New York and everybody crowds into doorways, ya know? And they all get chummy together. Perfect strangers. The only difference, of course, is in a war it's also raining on the other side of the street and the people who are chummy over there are trying to kill the people who are over here who are chums." "It's Frank's birthday, I wonder how old he is. Let's saw him in half tonight and count his rings." "I can't do it, I'm not a psychiatrist. I am not screwed up enough." "The wounded keep coming and coming. The common denominator is blood and it's all red and there seems to be a lot of it leaking out around here." "I'll never forget the day I go home. Right now I can't imagine it." "I'm so neurotic that you're bound to strike guilt." "Why fight it? We might as well go crazy and be inconspicuous." "You look like an ad for death" "I just don't know why they're shooting at us. All we want to do is bring them democracy and white bread. Transplant the American dream. Freedom. Achievement. Hyperacidity. Affluence. Flatulence. Technology. Tension. The inalienable right to an early coronary sitting at your desk while plotting to stab your boss in the back. That's entertainment!" (Trapp's favorite) "We win some, we lose some. That's what it's all about. No promises, no guaranteed survival. No saints in surgical garb. Our willingness, our experience, our technique are not enough. Guns and bombs and anti-personnel mines have more power to take life than we have to preserve it. Not a very happy ending for a movie, but then no war is a movie." "Nine times out of ten a hero is someone who is tired enough, cold enough,and hungry enough not to give a damn. I don't give a damn!" "I've eaten a river of liver and an ocean of fish! I've eaten so much fish, I'm ready to grow gills! I've eaten so much liver I can only make love if I'm smothered in bacon and onions!" "When they came to get me I was hiding under the front porch trying to puncture my eardrum with an icepick." Sidney: There is a link between anger and wit. Anger turned inward is depression. Anger turned sideways is Hawkeye. Hawkeye: “Nwersu, Nwerse” Nurse: “Did you call me doctor?” Hawkeye: “Why would I call you nurse, I’m the surgeon.” Margaret: “Morphine” Hawkeye: “No thanks, I’ve had enough.” |
 |
| The will of Dr. Benjamin Franklin Pierce I Benjamin Franklin Pierce, being of sound mind and endangered body, hereby declare this to be my Last Will and Testament. I bequeth to my father all my worldly possesions except the following: To Charles Emerson Winchester, though we may have wounded your pride, you never lost your dignity. I therefore bequeth to you the most dignified thing I own-my bathrobe. Purple is the color of royalty. To Father Francis Mulcahy, I leave five cents. You are a man of God, and I know worldly possessions mean little to you, Father. So I leave you a nickel along with something I value more highly than anything I own-my everlasting respect. To you, Margaret Houlihan, I leave my treasured Groucho nose and glasses. Perhaps they will remind you of how much I enjoyed that silly side you show all too infrequently. To Sherman Potter, who’s a lot like my dad, I leave The Last of the Mohicans, my dad’s favorite book. I’d like you to have the copy he gave me. To Maxwell Q. Klinger, I leave you the shirt off my back, not just any shirt, but my beloved Hawaiian shirt. To Erin Hunnicutt, I leave you a list of all the young men your daddy took care of while he was in Korea. Many of them have him to thanks for being alive today. I want you to understand why he had to be away from you those first years of your life. I hope I have the chance to give you this list in person. But around here, you never know. Benjamin Franklin Pierce |