I LEARNED FROM M*A*S*H
* Best Care Anywhere is owned by David Long 1997-2002
-Drink all you want! The wounded will not come until you are sober enough to operate (unless you're Alan Alda's dad)
-All American casualties during the Korean War were the result of friendly fire- not the communist Chinese or North Koreans
-Enlisted men get to have their own separate tent, provided they are a main character and trying to get a section 8
-When your jeep breaks down and you come upon some North Koreans, don't worry- they will always surrender to YOU
-All Army generals are bumbling idiots
-War is Hell
-When in doubt, try the Metzonbaum scissors
-All camp announcements are made by an unnamed guy (who just happens to sound like the soldier whose nose you just operated on) from an unidentified location. That is, unless the announcement is being made by a main character, in which case that announcment would be made from Radar's office
-Pull down your pants and slide on the ice!
-Gold spray paint is plentiful in Korea.
-No matter how big you build your bonfire, it will not get too hot to sing around the campfire. (Where were their marshmallows and hotdogs? S'mores?)
-Even if your houseboy's family takes your tent, a new one will be issued to you by the next episode
-Your father (mother), who was dead last year will miraculously come to life and visit you (and be a big pain in the patootie)
-Your wife will change names during the year if you want her to.
-Unless you know someone in the military or are a "Mashie", you may not know what "civilian clothes" are or belong to a uniformed school/place of work
-Never run outside with only your towel on, after you get out of the shower. you will invariably lose your towel on national television!
-Don't worry about air raids. Its only 5 O'Clock Charlie and his little leaflets or bottle bombs (and he has an astigmatism anyways)
-That you can walk and play golf all year long, anywhere you want, except in winter when the land mines right next to the tents will start exploding, cause you to lose your hearing
-That they can, indeed, fly wounded, but not supplies to a MASH unit when there is a crisis
-That you can pick-up a phone and order ribs easier than getting word to a father about his dead son (or as George Orwell described in 1984 as an "unperson")
-That a Pre-Op can double as a supply room, X-ray room, and a lab and a kitchen
- When reading a book, make sure the last page is there.
- Salute and fishinghat is not a good combo!
-Always be on your guard when using the latrine - it may blow up, be bombed, or be towed away.
-The cure for what ails you -
"..it's like spring at M*A*S*H, if you can't find it, and you can't feel it, you just go ahead and make it
- Your Mom and sister will disappear completely and your dad will move from Vermont to Maine
- Never enter a 4077 betting pool unless Father Mulcahy hasn't entered
-The women will have 70's hairstyles instead of the ones in all the old pictures.
-You will never see a crewcut on any of the young wounded
-Have problems with someone who's constantly trying to leave? Promote them to a position of some importance, and watch them stay!
-Sleeping with 98% of the Generals in the Asian Theatre does NOT make you a Westpointer.
-If you play it cute enough, you will never be seriously busted; maybe 'You guys!'-ed by the CO, but never "really" busted.
-As a member of the 4077th, you will have the ability to sing. Very well.
-Despite the fact that the camp is a very small place, you will inevitably be unable to find someone your looking for without engaging in a 20 minute search of the local hotspots.
-You don't need to know the language- the locals speak English. Every time.
-Any picnic will inevitably be interrupted either by wounded or by the sighting of a big red bird with fuzzy pink feet
-It may indeed be possible to eat a jeep, but doing so will NOT get you out of the army
-That your blood type can change to whatever type is needed
-If you want to get rid of someone remove their appendix
-That babies are very good at playing the horn
-That mustaches can have disasterous results
-That suicide is painless
-Anti-green makes a beautiful hair color
-Hawaiian shirts never go out of style
-For a marriage to work, the woman should wear the dress
-The nurses keep switching tents all the time without anyone noticing
-The personnel complain of cold showers but there's always steam coming from the water
-A childhood memory can prompt an uncontrolled sneezing fit
-When you order food from the states wounded always arrive when you are about to eat it.
-Klinger looks like a guy up close and far away
-Father Mulcahy can give you a right hook and bless you with he same hand
-You CAN drink and drive
-You should never jump into a hole when someone yells air raid.
-Never get drunk the night before you get married
-It's handy to have ESP
-If you lose a best friend, they'll be replaced by another sidekick
-The CIA is run by a bunch of messed up agents
-Helicopters and ambulances will both arrive from the front at exactly the same time
-If you're a guy, and kiss Margret unexpectedly, and long enough, she will really get into it!
-Mildred is a very popular name for wives in the 50's
-Sometimes, the laundry service makes you wash your own (or others) undies in your tent
-There was very effective birth control available at the 4077th MASH Unit
-Military HQ are morons
-When useful, obsolete military practices will reappear (i.e. point system)
-If you need to get lucky, just but a supply tent
-That it is illegal to park a jeep over an officer
-What ever blood type you are low on, you'll get wounded with that type
-No matter how much you get paid, you can always get more womens clothing
-Never get in a look-a-like contest with a cross-dressing Lebanese
-Even priests can get a "Dear John" letter
-Teddy bears change over the period of three seasons
-There's a reason that they call it a "Mess tent"
-Two majors are not as much as a colonel and two captains
-Korean clamps will never fail
-You can fail out of two medical schools, yet get your medical liecense in only twice as long as the usual time
- You gripe about powdered eggs and don't remember what real eggs taste like, but put some in Frank's helmet
-If you're tired and want to sleep, at least one of your tentmates will want to stay awake and talk, play music, read, drink, brush his teeth, sing, climb the walls, etc.
-If you're mad and feel like punching someone, your best friend will conveniently come into the tent just in time to get his lights punched out.
-Alcohol can disrupt your thought processes. For example, it can cause you to think that punching your best friend in the eye is a good idea. It can also cause you to think that it would be fun to show off your "tushie" to everyone in the Officer's Club.
-Never say "I'm homesick." The other person will say that he/she is more homesick than you are, and you'll end up starting a fight.
When there's an epidemic going around, don't say, "I'm sure I'm not going to catch [whatever it is]." That means that you'll be sick as a dog by the time the episode ends
Camilla Christensen, Shanda, Meghan, Rachel, quip, Gale Miller, Nzie, hec, SBM, Margaret Houlihan, Zoltan Tuttle, Mel, Capt. Tuttle, MDW, Tony, Colin, diane3312, Klinger, and Hawk's Lover.
I would especially like to thank Clint for coming up with the idea.
