| A Million Years Before M*A*S*H (or so it seems) |
| Trapper's Story Seven Years Before |
| "Mr. McIntyre!" yelled an angry professor. "Yes, sir," replied a young man in the back of the room with curly brown hair. "Do you find this to be amusing?" asked the professor as he lifted a woopie cushion up from this chair. "No, sir, but these people sure do," said the young man. "Mr. McIntyre, this is the last straw. If I didn't know your father so well I would've kicked you out on day one," said the professor. "All right, no more pranks, I promise," said the young man as he walked by the professor's desk and dumped something in his coffee. After class, John Francis Xavier McIntyre went to his dormitory and flopped down on his hard bed. He never knew how much harder college would be than high school. In high school he hardly piad attention, but pulled off straight A's every time. I college he had to pay attention or else he'd fail. He wanted to go to medical school and he had to go this boring college before it. He wanted to help people, but in order to do that he had to memorize this boring stuff. John picked up his football and tossed it in the air. Football he could always fall back on. Football was his passion. He is a star quarterback for Dartmouth and hadn't made a mistake yet and tomorrow his team was going to play some small college called Androscoggin. John had never heard of the place before, but he figured they were a blowout team. He didn't know how wrong he was. The next night John prepped himself for another football game. It was about twenty below out and snow as coming down in sheets. John was particularly excited to play, but he had to so he did. For two long hours the game blazed on and no one had scored. With thirty seconds left in the game John was stuck with the ball in his hands. Now the snow was coming down so hard he couldn't see two inches in front of himself. In one last attempt, he chucked the ball as hard as he could. Though he couldn't see anythinghe heard cheering so he assumed that Dartmouth had scored. Just then a skinny little guy went sprinting past him with the ball. Androscoggin won the game 6-0. That night John was feeling pretty useless. His team has lost to some losers and it was his fault. He aimlessly walked the streets went a small burger joint to grab some grub. Just to his luck, the skinny guy from Androscoggin appeared at his table. He had short black hair and darting green eyes. "Good ball playin' out there. Too bad you made that pass right to me," said the guy. "Well, if your mouth was open it would've gotten stuck in your throat," said John. He was quit mad. "Hey, that was pretty good. The name's Hawkeye Pierce, I'm a fourth year at Androscoggin. You see about the only book my dad read was the Last of the Mohicans and well that's where the name comes from," said the guy. "Hawkeye? Is that seriously your name? Anyways, the name is John McIntyre and I'm a foruth year at Dartmouth. So where ya from Hawk?" asked John. "Crabapple Cove, Maine," said Hawkeye. "Where in the heck is that?" asked Trapper. "Basically east of the middle of nowhere," said Hawkeye. "Yeah, my home town ain't too much bigger. I'm from Mill Creek, California," said John. "Hey John, do you want to hop on a train to my place? It's only a half hour away. We can take the Boston & Maine Train," said Hawkeye. John really wondered if he should trust the guy, but why not? He had nothing better to do. "Okay," said John. "Great," said Hawkeye. They took a cab from the train station to Hawkeye's place. It stopped in front of a really sorry looking shack. "What is this?" asked John. "It's my place. My buddies call it the swamp," said Hawkeye. "I can see why," said John,"but I kinda like it. My roomie is a boring neat freak." "That's why I don't have one," said Hawkeye. "Oh, here are a couple of my friends. This is Maggie and that is Audrey." "Your friends are female?" said John. "Sure are the finest kind," said Hawkeye as he cuddled up to Maggie. "So, whatcha say you come and sit down, Big John," said Audrey. John took the invitation. Three Weeks Later.... "Hey Hawk, why don't ya come to the Winter Carnival," asked John as he looke up from one of his anatomy books while lounging in the swamp. "Isn't that only for you Dartmouth moneybags? Why would they let a guy in who can't even afford a room at Androscoggin? said Hawkeye as he set down one of his favorite magazines (you know what that is.) "I'll hook you up with some doll from Dartmouth. A pretty one with long blonde hair and bright blue eyes," said John. Hawkeye was drooling. "I'm coming. I don't care where it is I'm coming," said Hawkeye. He picked up his magazine and threw it at John. "What was that for?" asked John. "I dunno," said Hawkeye with a smirk. "You're gonna get it," said John. He threw the magazine back and they started a war. One Week, three days later on a train late at night (or early in the morning) "That was some Carnival," said Hawkeye to John. "Yeah," said John. "How's Evelyn?" "She's great, beautiful, and great," said Hawkeye. "Where's your date?" "Hmmm, she must need some help in the bathroom," said John. "I'll be back in a bit." "Oh, I'm sure," said Hawkeye. He knew what John was up to and was mad that he hadn't thought of it first. "Hawkeye? What is Johm doing in there?" asked Dan Dorough, one of John's friends. "Well Dan, he isn't using the toilet and his lovely date is conveniently missing,"said Hawkeye. "Are you serious? In a train?" said Dan. Pretty soon the train was filled with conversation about what was going on in the bathroom. The train got so loud that the conductor came to see what all of the ruckus was about. Just as the porter came down the aisle, John appearred out of the bathroom in front of his date. "What in the heck is going on in here?" yelled the enraged porter. John's date, who was still in the bathroom started yelling, "He trapped me, he trapped me, he trapped me." "You see porter, sir. I was just here and I accidently trapped this lovely young woman in the bathroom. I'm going to move now so she can get out," said John. "I'm sure that was what you were doing," said the angry porter. "All right just move out of the way." The porter went back to the front. "Trapped her, trapped her, trapper. Trapper, that's it! Trapper McIntyre," said Hawkeye. He stood up on his seat and got everyone's attention. "Everyone, I would like you to meet Trapper John McIntyre. The only man on his earth that is brave enough to trap a sweet young thing in the bathroom." Trapper John stood up on his seat and bowed. "TRAPPER JOHN, TRAPPER JOHN!" cheered the train. "Thank you everyone, especially Peggy, that was wonderful. If you ever need advice come to the one and only professional Trapper. I'll help you with all of your trapping needs," said Trapper. A girl with long dark brown hair walked over to Trapper John. "So they call you Trapper, huh?" asked the girl. "Sure do, so what can I help ya with?" asked Trapper. "Well, I was wondering if you could trap me sometime? Out at least take me out. You could teach me all your professional trapping knowledge," said the girl. She smiled and showed her straight white teeth. Trapper was quite impressed. "Well, are you going to answer the doll?" asked Hawkeye. "Oh, uh, that sounds great," said Trapper. "Yeah, he means that Friday night at eight would ber good and he wants to know your name," said Hawkeye. "Friday at eight sounds perfect. My name is Louise, Louise Henneway," said the girl. "I'll see you at the pizza shop on campus." She planted a kiss on Trapper's forehead and left. "She melted you, baby," said Hawkeye. "I think I'm going to marry that girl," said Trapper. "Oh, I thought you loved me," joked Hawkeye. "Oh, no one can replace you, but I mean that girl was fine," said Trapper. "Finest kind, finest kind. Anyways I need you to help me, how do you get such dolls?" asked Hawkeye. "I'm Trapper John Francis Xavier McIntyre, who can resist?" said Trapper. |
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