FADE IN:
INT. THE SWAMP – 4:50PM
Hawkeye, Trapper, Radar and Henry are sitting around a small table playing poker because they have nothing better to do. The unit has been casualty-free for almost a week and the monotony of boredom set in long ago. Radar deals a hand and they all pick up their cards.
HAWKEYE
You’ll never guess who I have a date with tonight.
TRAPPER
Nurse Baker.
HAWKEYE
Yeah. How did you know?
TRAPPER
You boasted about it already at lunch. Adrienne bet you wouldn’t get past first base.
HAWKEYE
Oh yeah. I wouldn’t mind getting past first base with her.
TRAPPER
Which one?
HAWKEYE
Doesn’t matter.
Trapper grins.
RADAR
(annoyed)
Are we playing poker or not?
HAWKEYE
What’s your hurry? You got another war to go to?
TRAPPER
Maybe one that won’t stunt your growth?
RADAR
That’s not funny!
Henry removes his cigar from his mouth.
HENRY
Can we get on with it?
HAWKEYE
OK, OK. Open for five.
They all place an opening bet.
RADAR
How many?
TRAPPER
Two.
HAWKEYE
One.
HENRY
Three.
Radar gives them their cards. He takes two for himself.
RADAR
Dealer takes two.
They look over their cards for a moment.
RADAR
I’m in.
He places another five dollars on the table, as does Hawkeye and Trapper. Henry throws his cards down.
HENRY
I’m out. Adrienne sure is a feisty one, isn’t she? Do you know what she said to me the other day?
HAWKEYE
What?
HENRY
That I’d almost be attractive if I lost 20 pounds.
The others burst out laughing.
HAWKEYE
I call.
They show their cards. Radar has two pairs, two jacks and two tens. Trapper has a full house, but Hawkeye prevails with a straight flush. Both Trapper and Radar throw their cards down in frustration while Hawkeye stands and bows to an invisible audience.
HAWKEYE
Thank you, thank you very much!
He eagerly takes his winnings. Radar looks up like he hears something. The others notice and freeze.
TRAPPER
What’s the matter? You hear choppers?
RADAR
No. Adrienne’s coming.
On cue, the door opens and Adrienne strolls in. She’s completely out of uniform, wearing a knee-length black skirt, black high heel boots, a black fedora and her NYU t-shirt. She’s a vision of co-ordination. Trapper looks up and stares at her. She’s aware of it, too.
ADRIENNE
(pretending not to notice Trapper’s staring)
Hey guys.
HAWKEYE
Hi Adrienne. What brings you here?
ADRIENNE
Boredom. Nothing else attractive about this place.
TRAPPER
Can you play?
ADRIENNE
A bit.
TRAPPER
Join in.
ADRIENNE
OK.
She sits in an empty seat next to Trapper. He smiles at her and she winks back.
ADRIENNE
Can I deal?
HAWKEYE
Sure. Want me to shuffle the cards first?
ADRIENNE
Nope.
She takes the cards from Radar and begins to shuffle them like an expert. The others all stare at her open-mouthed. She finishes shuffling and deals the cards out.
ADRIENNE
The name of the game is five-card draw. Jokers are wild and the opening bet is five bucks. You can discard up to four cards if the last one is an ace or a wild card. Gentlemen, place your bets.
They all put five dollars each in the middle of the table. They look over their cards.
ADRIENNE
So, Hawk, got anything special planned for Nurse Baker tonight?
HAWKEYE
Well, we’re going to see the movie—
ADRIENNE
Won’t that ruin it? I heard it’s a war movie. How many cards?
TRAPPER
Two.
HENRY
Two.
RADAR
Three.
HAWKEYE
One.
They put down their cards and Adrienne gives them new ones. She takes one for herself.
ADRIENNE
Dealer takes one. OK, you’re going to see the movie, then what?
HAWKEYE
I’m going to give her a thorough check up in the supply room.
ADRIENNE
You sure know how to treat a woman. I bet five.
TRAPPER
Me too.
They all place another five dollars on the table.
ADRIENNE
OK Radar, I see your five and I double it.
TRAPPER
I see your ten and raise you five.
ADRIENNE
Ooh, thrill seeker!
Hawkeye, Henry and Radar put in fifteen dollars as well.
ADRIENNE
I see and I call.
They reveal their cards. They all have good hands, but Adrienne has five aces, including a wild joker. The others stare in disbelief as she grins and takes her winnings.
HAWKEYE
I thought you said you could play a bit?!
ADRIENNE
I lied. I used poker winnings to pay for Harvard. Oh yeah, and money from hustling pool. And I used to deal black jack in a casino, too.
The others look at each other and stand up.
ADRIENNE
Aw, come on guys, I haven’t finished thrashing you yet!
They continue heading to the door.
ADRIENNE
OK, I promise I won’t win so easily! Come on!!
They just stand and look at her.
ADRIENNE
SIT DOWN!!
They race back and sit down. Adrienne looks satisfied.
ADRIENNE
Thank you. Henry, if you wouldn’t mind dealing…
Henry gingerly takes the cards and shuffles them.
CUT TO:
INT. MARGARET HOULIHAN’S TENT – 4:55PM
Margaret is sitting on her bed while Frank paces the tent. His pacing is annoying her.
FRANK
I don’t like the idea of leaving them here.
MARGARET
Neither do I, Frank, but if we want to spend the weekend in Tokyo we’ll just have to.
FRANK
Who knows what they’ll get up to while we’re away?
MARGARET
They do whatever they want whether we’re here or not. What difference does it make?
He sits on the bed next to Margaret.
FRANK
Last time I was gone they put peanut butter in all of my socks! They drew a moustache on my photo of my mother! And they placed a personal ad under my name in Nudists Quarterly!
MARGARET
I know they’re completely contemptible, Frank, but we may not have another chance to go! (smiles suggestively) Besides, I have an outfit picked out especially for the trip…
FRANK
Really?
MARGARET
Uh-huh. It’s see through under certain lights.
Frank gulps audibly.
MARGARET
Would you like a preview?
Frank smiles his lipless smile and nods. Margaret grins and stands up.
CUT TO:
INT. THE SWAMP – 4:56PM
Hawkeye, Trapper, Radar, Henry and Adrienne are playing another hand. There’s quite a lot of money on the table. The others are watching Adrienne intently as she stares at her cards. She deliberately takes her time. She eventually puts $20 down.
ADRIENNE
I call.
The others nervously put their cards down. Adrienne smiles and shows her hand. Royal flush. The guys groan. Adrienne giggles proudly and takes her winnings.
HAWKEYE
How did you do that?
ADRIENNE
I have a system. Another game?
TRAPPER
Forget it!
Adrienne shrugs and begins counting her loot.
HAWKEYE
I’d better go, I have post op duty.
ADRIENNE
(sarcastically)
Have fun!
HAWKEYE
You know, I hope you get robbed.
ADRIENNE
(pointing)
You’re just sore because you were beaten by a girl!
TRAPPER
He’s just sore because he was beaten.
ADRIENNE
Ha-HA!!
She continues counting. Henry stands up.
HENRY
I’m going back on duty. Radar—
RADAR
Coming, Sir.
HENRY
—Are you coming?
Henry hangs his head and sighs.
HENRY
I wish you’d stop doing that.
RADAR
Sorry, sir.
Henry, Radar and Hawkeye leave. Adrienne finishes counting and tucks the money in one of her boots while Trapper gets himself a martini. Adrienne stands up and looks at him. He looks really cute in his bathrobe (not the yellow one, the other one). She cocks her head to the side.
ADRIENNE
Well. We’re all alone.
TRAPPER
Looks like it.
She smiles somewhat seductively.
ADRIENNE
I wonder what we’re gonna do now…
CUT TO:
INT. POST OP – 5:00PM
Hawkeye saunters in. He sees Nurse Baker looking at the chart of a soldier with a wounded leg. He smirks and goes up to her.
HAWKEYE
Hi beautiful.
BAKER
Not now, Captain, I’m on duty.
HAWKEYE
What? Can’t I say hello to you?
BAKER
(smirking)
Not like that. We’re in public.
Hawkeye grins. He knows his date with her is going to be eventful to say the least. He goes over to a patient and begins his rounds.
HAWKEYE
Hi Perkins, how do you feel?
PERKINS
(dryly)
Like I’ve been shot.
HAWKEYE
That explains it.
He picks up Perkins’s chart and looks it over.
PERKINS
How am I doing, Doc?
HAWKEYE
Nothing a little TLC from one of our nurses won’t fix.
PERKINS
That’s a relief.
HAWKEYE
Except for Nurse Baker. I have dibs on her.
PERKINS
I’m sure I’ll get over it.
HAWKEYE
(with one of his smirks)
No, you won’t.
Hawkeye puts the chart back and moves on to the next patient.
CUT TO:
INT. RADAR’S OFFICE – 5:01PM
Henry and Radar come in. Henry turns around and faces Radar.
RADAR
I’ll get the monthly…
HENRY
Radar, get the monthly…
RADAR/HENRY
…Fitness report ready, as well as the records for the monthly check up.
RADAR
I’ll get the inventory too.
HENRY
And the inventory.
Henry sighs.
HENRY
Thank you Radar.
He turns around and goes into his office. Radar sits at his desk.
CUT TO:
INT. HENRY’S OFFICE – 5:02PM
Henry comes in. He goes to his desk, gets out a set of keys, goes over to the liquor cabinet and opens it. He pulls out a bottle of rye. He goes back to his desk, grabs a glass, opens the bottle and pours the rye in. He looks at it for a second. Ah, rye. He drinks it in one gulp and is pouring a second glass when Radar rushes in.
RADAR
Uh, Sir?
HENRY
Radar, I said I didn’t want to be disturbed!
RADAR
No you didn’t, Sir.
HENRY
Oh. I wish I did…
RADAR
Sir, Klinger’s here.
HENRY
Terrific. What does he want?
RADAR
I don’t know, but he was talking to himself.
HENRY
That’s a new one.
As Henry finishes pouring his rye, Klinger barges in, dressed in a white suit like Ingrid Bergman in Casablanca when she comes into Humphrey Bogart’s bar for the first time (you know the one I mean). Henry looks at him and gulps the drink down
KLINGER
Sir, I want you to meet someone.
Henry just stares at him expectantly.
KLINGER
This is my new best friend, Boris.
He motions to the space next to him. There’s no one there. Henry looks at Radar, who shrugs back, just as confused as Henry.
KLINGER
He agrees with me.
HENRY
About what?
KLINGER
My Section 8. He believes as firmly as I do that I shouldn’t be in the Army. He’s prepared to do anything.
HENRY
Anything?
KLINGER
Anything! What’s that, Boris? … Oh, he says he won’t be held accountable for his actions. He’s very passionate about my cause.
HENRY
I’m sure.
KLINGER
What did you say, Boris? … Oh, Boris says he likes you, Sir.
HENRY
That’s nice. Klinger, do you think you and Boris could do me a favour?
KLINGER
Boris says anything for you, Sir.
HENRY
GET OUT!!!!
Klinger stiffens and looks at Henry indignantly. He turns around and heads for the door. He turns back around.
KLINGER
Boris says you haven’t heard the last from us!!
He storms out with his head held high. Radar stares after him, his mouth open with shock.
CUT TO:
INT. MESS TENT – 5:06PM
Frank comes in and gets in line. He picks up a tray and looks down his nose at Igor. Igor spoons some vegetables onto Frank’s tray. He begins putting some creamed corn on it.
FRANK
I didn’t ask for those!
IGOR
You didn’t ask for anything, Sir.
FRANK
Don’t backtalk an Officer!
IGOR
Sorry, Sir.
FRANK
One more word out of you and I’ll have you court martialled! Am I making myself clear?
IGOR
Yes, Sir.
While Igor finishes putting food on Frank’s tray, Margaret comes in, gets herself a cup of coffee and sits down. Frank goes over to her. Igor glares at him.
IGOR
Ferret Face.
Margaret smiles politely at Frank.
MARGARET
Good afternoon, Major.
FRANK
Good afternoon. Mind if I join you?
MARGARET
Not at all.
Frank grins as Margaret moves over. Frank sits next to her.
MARGARET
Having an early dinner, I see.
FRANK
Yes. I’m famished after spending the day keeping everything in check.
MARGARET
Of course.
(muttering)
When are you going to see Colonel Blake about our passes?
FRANK
(muttering too)
Later. I want to see another preview of your outfit first, you naughty girl.
MARGARET
(muttering)
Not until we’re in Tokyo.
(normally)
Yes, the veal does look very good today.
FRANK
Yes it does!
(muttering/whining)
Come on, Margaret. I can’t wait that long!
MARGARET
Oh, all right! Meet me in my tent in five minutes.
She gets up and leaves. Frank quickly starts shovelling his food into his mouth. He almost chokes on the veal.
CUT TO:
INT. POST OP – 5:08PM
Hawkeye continues to check the patients, Nurse Baker by his side. He comes to one with bandages around his head. He’s asleep. Hawkeye picks up the chart and looks it over.
BAKER
He’s making good progress. His vital signs are all normal and his pupils are reactive. He should wake up soon.
HAWKEYE
Don’t tell Frank that. He’ll put him on active duty.
BAKER
Doesn’t Major Burns have one ounce of humanity in his body?
HAWKEYE
Not unless you count self-righteousness as humanity.
BAKER
I don’t.
HAWKEYE
Then no.
BAKER
Ferret Face.
Hawkeye grins.
HAWKEYE
Marry me.
BAKER
And give up the single life? No way.
Hawkeye puts the chart back and they move onto the next patient.
CUT TO:
INT. THE SWAMP – 5:10PM
Trapper and Adrienne are sitting across from one another on Trapper’s bed. They appear to be attempting to stare each other down. Adrienne puts her cards down.
ADRIENNE
Gin!
Trapper stares at the cards in disbelief. That’s the 4th game she’s won in a row.
TRAPPER
How did you get that so fast?
ADRIENNE
Just a little thing you may not be familiar with called SKILL.
Trapper gathers up all of the cards. Adrienne stands up and stretches. Trapper can’t help but stare as she raises her arms over her head. He looks away and quickly starts shuffling the cards. He glances back at her. Her t-shirt is raised a little to reveal her midriff. He flicks the cards across the tent. Adrienne drops her arms by her sides and looks at him.
ADRIENNE
You OK, Honey?
TRAPPER
Yeah, sure.
He begins to retrieve the cards, slightly embarrassed. OK, very embarrassed. He can’t quite place why, either. No woman has ever made him nervous before. She goes and sits on Hawkeye’s bed.
ADRIENNE
You know, Trap, in the time I’ve been here we’ve never really talked.
Trapper picks up the rest of the cards from the floor and stands.
TRAPPER
We’ve talked.
ADRIENNE
Not really. Most of the conversations we’ve had were about medicine.
TRAPPER
Well, what do you want to talk about?
ADRIENNE
I don’t know… Anything other than medicine.
TRAPPER
Like what?
ADRIENNE
Just pick a topic and go with it! Do I have to do all the work? Jeez!
(with a sexy smirk)
I hope you’re not like this in, uh… other situations…
She makes what she’s talking about rather obvious by wriggling her eyebrows and adding a wink for good measure. Adrienne giggles at the embarrassed look on Trapper’s face. He gets up and goes over to her. He sits in the chair next to Hawkeye’s bed. He gains courage and smiles at her.
TRAPPER
Would you like to find out?
Adrienne bursts out laughing.
ADRIENNE
A little eager, aren’t we? Don’t blame you really. I’m hot.
It’s Trapper’s turn to burst out laughing. Adrienne joins him.
ADRIENNE
Then again, so are you, so I guess we both win.
He stares at her.
ADRIENNE
Hypothetically, if we were to… how shall I put this? Consummate our relationship, what number would I be on your list?
Trapper thinks for a moment.
TRAPPER
I’ve lost count.
ADRIENNE
I thought as much.
TRAPPER
What number would I be on your list?
ADRIENNE
I’ve lost count, too.
They start laughing again.
CUT TO:
INT. POST OP – 5:15PM
Hawkeye is looking over another patient’s chart, a head wound he and Adrienne operated on a few days ago. He frowns. His vital signs aren’t good. His temperature’s up and his pressure is 60/40. He looks over at Klinger, who has just entered post op.
HAWKEYE
Klinger?
KLINGER
Yes, Sir?
HAWKEYE
Could you do me a favour?
KLINGER
Boris and I are at your service, Sir!
Hawkeye blinks.
HAWKEYE
Boris?
KLINGER
My new friend!
He points at the empty space next to him. Hawkeye holds his hand out and shakes the air.
HAWKEYE
Nice to meet you, Boris.
KLINGER
What can we do for you, Sir?
HAWKEYE
Could you find Adrienne? A patient we operated on isn’t doing too well.
KLINGER
Right away, Sir! Come on, Boris.
Klinger turns and guides his imaginary friend out of the room. Hawkeye stares as Klinger argues politely with Boris over who should leave first.
CUT TO:
INT. THE SWAMP – 5:17PM
Trapper and Adrienne are sitting on the edge of Trapper’s bed. Adrienne is looking at a photo.
ADRIENNE
They’re beautiful.
TRAPPER
They are.
ADRIENNE
Yeah, but you’re biased. Every parent thinks their children are beautiful. (frowns) Except for my mother. I don’t think she ever told any of us we were beautiful.
She hands the photo to Trapper. He puts it in his shirt pocket.
TRAPPER
Never?
ADRIENNE
Nope. AGH! I don’t want to talk about my mother. I hate my mother!
TRAPPER
Really? That’s terrible.
ADRIENNE
Yeah, well, if you knew her you’d understand.
She stands, takes her hat off and runs a hand through her hair. She puts it back on and goes over to Frank’s quarters and starts looking through his things.
TRAPPER
Don’t bother. The only things you’ll find there are a few Bibles.
ADRIENNE
(disappointed)
Oh. I was hoping for maybe a few racy photos of Margaret!
TRAPPER
No, Frank keeps them in his wallet.
Adrienne laughs. She sits back down next to Trapper on his bed.
ADRIENNE
Mind if I smoke?
TRAPPER
Not at all.
She takes a cigarette out of the band on her hat and puts it in her mouth. Trapper offers her a light. She lights the cigarette.
ADRIENNE
Thanks. Let’s see, we’ve talked about sex, your kids, my mother and Frank and Margaret. I think we’ve just about covered it all.
TRAPPER
Are you seeing anyone?
ADRIENNE
Ooh, I stand corrected. Here, no. But I have a boyfriend at home. Danny. Weird guy, but he falls for all of my practical jokes, so that’s good enough for me.
TRAPPER
Would you like to go to the movies with me tonight?
ADRIENNE
Sure. Sounds like fun. I heard Double Indemnity is playing. I love that film. By the way, just in case you want to know…
TRAPPER
Yeah?
ADRIENNE
I kiss on the first date.
TRAPPER
(grinning)
I bet you do.
ADRIENNE
I even kiss before the first date under exceptional circumstances.
TRAPPER
I’d believe that.
They look at each other. They slowly start leaning forward, like they’re going to kiss. Their faces are only centimetres apart when Klinger rushes in.
KLINGER
Captain Jacobson!
Trapper and Adrienne groan.
ADRIENNE
What is it Klinger??
KLINGER
A patient of yours! The guy who got shot in the head. His condition’s worse.
ADRIENNE
You’re going to have to elaborate. I operated on two guys who got shot in the head.
KLINGER
The one you operated on with Captain Pierce.
ADRIENNE
Oh. OK, I’ll be right there.
Klinger nods and leaves. Adrienne stands.
ADRIENNE
See you at the movie if I don’t see you beforehand.
TRAPPER
It’s a date.
Adrienne smiles and leaves the Swamp. Trapper watches her go.
CUT TO:
INT. POST OP – 5:20PM
Adrienne walks into post op. She goes up to Hawkeye, who is sitting next to the patient.
ADRIENNE
What’s up?
HAWKEYE
His temperature. His blood pressure is down, 60/40.
ADRIENNE
Dammit, Pierce, what the hell did you do to him??
Hawkeye looks up at her, shocked. She picks up the patient’s chart and looks it over.
HAWKEYE
Me?!
Adrienne regards him with a smirk. She’s only teasing. Hawkeye sighs and shakes his head.
ADRIENNE
Men are so gullible!
She finishes looking over his chart and puts it back.
ADRIENNE
I don’t understand it. He should be getting better, not worse. We did everything right.
HAWKEYE
It could be a post op infection.
ADRIENNE
Could be. Have you given him penicillin?
HAWKEYE
6000 units.
ADRIENNE
OK. Well, I don’t think he’d survive another operation. We’ll just give him 6000 more units and hope for the best. (calling out) Kellye?
KELLYE
Yes Doctor?
ADRIENNE
Could you give Perkins a shot of penicillin?
KELLYE
Sure.
ADRIENNE
Thanks.
HAWKEYE
And get Father Mulcahy when you’re done.
KELLYE
OK.
Kellye goes to get the penicillin. Adrienne sighs. She sits next to Hawkeye.
ADRIENNE
So, what have you been up to lately?
HAWKEYE
Not much. You?
ADRIENNE
Same.
CUT TO:
INT. THE SWAMP – 5:24PM
Trapper is sitting on his bed, enjoying a refreshing glass of martini. He finishes it off and stands to get another. Frank comes in.
TRAPPER
Hi Frank.
FRANK
That doesn’t threaten me! I’ll never tell you about my weekend in Tokyo with Margaret!!
Trapper stares at him blankly. Frank realizes what he said and quickly sits down on his bed. Trapper puts his glass down and goes over to him. He sits next to Frank and puts an arm around his shoulders.
TRAPPER
It’s OK, Frank, you can tell your Uncle Trapper! I won’t tell anyone, I promise! It’ll just be between us.
FRANK
Well, Margaret and I have been wanting to get away for a while and— (realises Trapper is teasing him) Oh, nerts to you!!
Frank gets up and charges out of the Swamp. Trapper starts laughing. He stands up and gives Frank a mock salute.
CUT TO:
INT. MARGARET HOULIHAN’S TENT – 5:25PM
Margaret is looking at herself in the mirror. She’s wearing a red kimono.
MARGARET
Frank is gonna love this! I’ll make this a weekend he’ll never forget…
She turns around and starts putting clothes in a suitcase. The clothes are mainly lingerie. She picks up a blue dress and looks at it. She shakes her head and discards it.
MARGARET
Won’t need it. We probably won’t leave the hotel room.
She grins and starts giggling. She folds up more lingerie and places it in her case. She picks up a beautiful red kimono and admires it.
MARGARET
I wish General Clayton could see me in this! He did buy it for me after all.
She folds it up and puts it in the suitcase.
CUT TO:
INT. POST OP – 5:27PM
Hawkeye and Adrienne continue to sit by the patient’s bed. Father Mulcahy hurries in.
MULCAHY
Sorry I took so long. I couldn’t find my Bible.
ADRIENNE
Shouldn’t you know that by heart?
MULCAHY
Only up to Proverbs.
Hawkeye and Adrienne laugh.
HAWKEYE
Well, the Father’s a comedian!
MULCAHY
It’s just a hobby. (motions to the patient) How is he?
ADRIENNE
Not good. We need you to weave some of your magic, Father.
MULCAHY
I’ll do my best.
Mulcahy takes the patient’s hand in his. Adrienne puts her hand on his forehead.
ADRIENNE
I’ll go get a cold compress.
HAWKEYE
Get me a sandwich would ya?
ADRIENNE
Get it yourself.
She gets up and walks away.
HAWKEYE
How’s everything with you, Father?
MULCAHY
Not bad. Yourself?
HAWKEYE
I’ve been better.
Adrienne comes back. She places a cloth on the patient’s forehead.
MULCAHY
How are you, Adrienne?
ADRIENNE
Fine. Thinking of taking up a new language, actually.
HAWKEYE
Korean?
ADRIENNE
I already know Korean. I learnt it before I came here.
HAWKEYE
Really? What one are you planning to learn now?
ADRIENNE
Not sure. Maybe Japanese for when I go on R & R…
HAWKEYE
Maybe you could teach me Korean.
ADRIENNE
Sure. It only took me a month so I imagine it should take you a couple of years.
HAWKEYE
Oh, very funny.
ADRIENNE
I thought so.
The patient groans but doesn’t wake up. Hawkeye, Adrienne and Father Mulcahy stare at him, waiting for something to happen. The patient remains unconscious.
HAWKEYE
Damn.
CUT TO:
INT. HENRY’S OFFICE – 5:30PM
Henry is sitting at his desk, reading a copy of “The Army Commander’s Guide to Sex and Reproduction”. He puts the book down and writes something on a piece of paper. He picks another book up, “The Army Commander’s Guide to Lectures and Speeches”, and reads some more. He stands and clears his throat.
HENRY
This month’s lecture is about sex and reproduction. (he looks at the Guide to Lectures and Speeches. Reading:) Be clear, calm and assertive. Make your point easily and don’t let your nervousness show. If you feel nervous, try opening with a joke.
He takes a deep breath and puts the book down. He takes the piece of paper and begins reading.
HENRY
(unusually confident)
This month’s lecture is about sex and reproduction. If any of you nurses are unsure of how reproduction works, I’d be more than happy to demonstrate!
He begins chuckling. It quickly dies out as he realises how distasteful that was. His confidence goes out the window. He grabs a pen and scratches that off the paper. He thinks for a moment and writes something else down.
HENRY
(nervously)
This month’s lecture is about sex and reproduction. (takes a quick glance at the paper) Sex is one of life’s most natural occurrences. Much like going to—
He cuts himself off, realising that’s worse. He scratches that off the paper, too.
HENRY
Forget the joke.
He writes something else down. Seemingly satisfied, he starts again.
HENRY
(semi-confident)
This month’s lecture is about sex and reproduction. Sex is one of life’s most natural occurrences, as you all know. (improvising) There isn’t much I can tell that you don’t already know, but since I’m required to give this lecture, I’ll try my best.
Henry smiles to himself and quickly writes that bit down. He continues.
HENRY
(the confidence is coming back)
Since we’re all here, miles from home, sex is very important. We use it to vent our frustrations or to let loose on a Saturday night.
He grins. He is extremely proud of himself. He writes that part down too.
HENRY
Sex is also very important in the grander scheme of things. Without it none of us would exist. Which brings us to the reproduction part.
He pauses to write that down.
HENRY
Reproduction… uh… (clears his throat) reproduction… um… is, uh…
The roll he was on is now gone, never to return. He sits down and buries his face in his hands.
CUT TO:
INT. RADAR’S OFFICE – 5:34PM
Radar has a stethoscope to the wall, eavesdropping on Henry. Frank comes in and stands next to Radar. He doesn’t notice Frank standing there.
FRANK
Corporal, I want to talk to Colonel Blake.
Radar jumps. He tries to take the stethoscope off but ends up wrapping it around his neck. He struggles a bit longer and finally get it off.
RADAR
Colonel Blake is busy right now, Sir.
FRANK
This is important, Corporal! And stand up when you’re addressing an officer!
Radar quickly stands and salutes. The stethoscope is wrapped around his hand and he hits himself in the face with the end of it. He shakes it off and salutes properly.
FRANK
That’s better! When he’s not busy tell Colonel Blake I want to see him.
RADAR
Yes Sir.
Frank leaves. Radar picks the stethoscope up and goes back to eavesdropping on Henry.
CUT TO:
INT. POST OP – 5:37PM
Hawkeye, Adrienne and Father Mulcahy are still sitting by the patient. His condition has not changed.
HAWKEYE
So, Adrienne, have you got a nickname?
ADRIENNE
My sisters call me Rennie.
HAWKEYE
That’s nice, I like that.
ADRIENNE
Feel free to call me that. I don’t mind.
They watch the patient for a few moments.
ADRIENNE
I could use some coffee. How about you?
HAWKEYE
Thanks.
ADRIENNE
Father?
Father Mulcahy looks up from the patient.
MULCAHY
Hmm?
ADRIENNE
Coffee?
MULCAHY
Oh, yes, thank you.
ADRIENNE
Won’t be long.
HAWKEYE
Take your time, we’re not going anywhere.
ADRIENNE
Unless he—
She stops herself.
ADRIENNE
I’d rather not think about that.
HAWKEYE
That makes three of us.
Adrienne gets up and leaves post op. She walks towards the mess tent. She notices Trapper is heading her way. He smiles at her. She smiles back and winks. They pass each other. She grins to herself as she continues to the mess tent. Klinger suddenly steps in front of her. He’s changed his outfit, he’s now wearing a pretty yellow sundress with a straw hat.
ADRIENNE
Hi Klinger.
KLINGER
Captain.
ADRIENNE
Can I… (eyeing his outfit) Help you with something? Some fashion tips perhaps?
KLINGER
I’d like to introduce you to my new friend, Boris.
Adrienne looks around. She looks back at Klinger and it suddenly dawns on her.
ADRIENNE
Ohh… Hi Boris!
KLINGER
He wants me to get out, too! He’ll stop at nothing! He doesn’t care anymore!!
ADRIENNE
Wow, Klinger. It’s nice you’ve found someone with similar interests.
She pats his arm and continues on to the mess tent. Klinger pouts.
CUT TO:
INT. POST OP – 5:40PM
Trapper enters post op. He goes up to Hawkeye and Father Mulcahy and sits down.
TRAPPER
How is he?
HAWKEYE
No change.
TRAPPER
On a lighter note, Adrienne has been flirting with me like crazy!
Hawkeye grins while Father Mulcahy looks uncomfortable.
HAWKEYE
Really?
TRAPPER
Yeah.
HAWKEYE
Did you take notes?
CUT TO:
INT. RADAR’S OFFICE – 5:41PM
Radar is sitting at his desk, reading a Superman comic. Frank and Margaret come in.
MARGARET
Corporal.
Radar scrambles to his feet.
RADAR
Sir! I mean, Ma’am! Sir-Ma’am?
FRANK
We want to see Colonel Blake.
MARGARET
Is he still busy?
RADAR
No, he’s not busy anymore.
FRANK
Sir!
RADAR
Yes?
Frank and Margaret look at each other then go into Henry’s office.
MARGARET
Sir?
Henry jumps and quickly puts the dirty magazine he was reading in his desk draw. He slams the door on his hand. He pulls his hand out.
HENRY
What is it?
MARGARET
We’re here to request passes for the weekend, Sir.
Henry looks at them quizzically.
MARGARET
We wish to attend a medical seminar.
Henry raises an eyebrow. He’s about to call out when Radar comes in and hands him two passes. Radar leaves without saying a word. Henry signs the two passes and hands them to Margaret. She can hardly contain her grin.
MARGARET
Thank you, Sir!
She and Frank leave. Henry shakes his head. He gets the magazine out of the draw and continues… er, reading.
CUT TO:
INT. POST OP – 5:44PM
Adrienne comes back into post op. She’s holding a tray with 4 cups of coffee on it. She hands each of them to Hawkeye, Trapper and Father Mulcahy.
MULCAHY
Thank you, my child.
ADRIENNE
You’re welcome, Father.
(to Trapper)
I figured you’d be here. Not much else to do.
TRAPPER
Thanks.
Adrienne sits down.
ADRIENNE
Anything?
HAWKEYE
Nope.
ADRIENNE
Dammit!
She sighs.
CUT TO:
INT. MESS TENT – 5:45PM
Radar enters. He gets a tray and stands in line. Klinger is in front of him.
KLINGER
What do you think, Boris? Steak or veal?
Klinger notices Radar standing behind him.
KLINGER
Radar, did I introduce you to Boris?
RADAR
Yeah… You did…
Frank comes up and gets a cup of coffee.
KLINGER
Sir, have you met my friend Boris?
Frank looks at him. He doesn’t see anyone.
FRANK
Weirdo!
He leaves the mess tent.
CUT TO:
INT. POST OP – 5:47PM
The four sitting by the patient continue to watch him.
ADRIENNE
Hawk, can I ask you a question?
HAWKEYE
Yeah?
ADRIENNE
I’ve been here for almost a month now. Why haven’t you tried to make a move on me?
Trapper looks on with interest.
HAWKEYE
Well, you always brush me off. I assumed you weren’t interested.
ADRIENNE
I’m not. But, from what I know, that hasn’t stopped you before.
HAWKEYE
I can make more of an effort if you’d like.
ADRIENNE
Oh, only if you want to. Don’t do it on my account.
PATIENT
You people are weird!
They all look down at the patient. He’s wide-awake. Hawkeye checks his pulse while Adrienne takes his temperature. They all grin at each other.
MULCAHY
I believe my work is done here.
ADRIENNE
Thank you Father.
MULCAHY
Any time.
He stands up and leaves. Hawkeye breathes a sigh of relief.
HAWKEYE
Now I can actually get some sleep tonight.
ANNOUNCER
ATTENTION, ALL PERSONNEL! INCOMING WOUNDED! ALL MEDICAL PERSONNEL REPORT OT OR IMMEDIATELY!
TRAPPER
You were saying?
Adrienne and Trapper stand up.
TRAPPER
You coming?
HAWKEYE
I’ll be there in a minute.
Adrienne and Trapper head for the OR. They go in to get scrubbed up. Adrienne gets a gown for herself and hands one to Trapper.
TRAPPER
Looks like our date is off.
ADRIENNE
Looks like it.
TRAPPER
And I was looking forward to that kiss.
Adrienne laughs.
ADRIENNE
So was I! As soon as we’re done here, we can do anything you want.
TRAPPER
Anything?
ADRIENNE
Sure. Within reason.
TRAPPER
OK.
ADRIENNE
In the meantime…
She grabs him and kisses him. He pulls her closer as it gets more passionate. She breaks it off.
ADRIENNE
I hope that will tide you over.
TRAPPER
So do I.
ADRIENNE
Well, if we get a break at the same time…
TRAPPER
I’ll find you.
They smile at each other as the doctors and nurses start filing in to get ready for OR.
FADE OUT.
CLOSING CREDITS.
